I started smoking when I was fifteen. I first lit up because my best friend and my then-boyfriend were smokers and I was bored. I was addicted instantly; within five hours of that one cigarette, I wanted another.

Now, nearly five years later, I smoke anywhere from a half to full pack a day. Mainly it’s because I kept smoking after that first cigarette, but it’s also due in large part to having replaced cutting with smoking. Instead of cutting like I used to, I light up when I’m stressed. Probably not the smartest thing, but it’s carried me through.

I’ve noticed more and more that I don’t really enjoy smoking as much as I used to. For one, the fire safety feature makes them taste disgusting, especially once they’ve gone out and you have to relight them. Smoking makes me gag and I’ve noticed it’s starting to yellow my teeth. I brush twice a day and scrub the shit out of them to make sure they don’t get too yellow. In the morning, while smoking my morning cigarette, I barely even finish it. I’ve noticed that I wake up with weird crap in my mouth — I won’t gross you out, but trust me, it shouldn’t be there — and smoking makes me so. fucking. thirsty.

My dad quit smoking about two years ago. He’s much healthier. I’ve noticed that I don’t breathe as well as I used to. Last night I noticed I don’t sing as well as I used to just a couple weeks ago. That is not a good sign. I see people I know who have only been smoking a couple years longer than me developing some serious health problems and I don’t want that to be me.

I’ve also come to the conclusion that, if I quit smoking, I can save a lot more money. I can afford to go to Fright Fest at Six Flags NE. I can afford to go to Indianapolis with Mike for three days. I can afford new clothes and CDs that I’ve been wanting. I can save up for a new car much faster without having to buy four or more packs of cigarettes a week. With the money I don’t spend on cigarettes, I can buy more snacks for work; I won’t be driving home worrying that I might pass out from my blood sugar being so low. I also won’t be so dependent on smoking. I don’t need to have a cigarette to wake up. A shower and coffee do that just fine. I don’t need to have a cigarette after a meal or, heh, sex.

I made the decision today after rereading Sarah‘s blog about bloggers Miss Britt and Karl deciding to quit. Last night I had a long conversation with Mike’s mom about how she wants to quit. This has been coming for a while, but I’ve been too stubborn to see how idiotic it is to keep smoking.

Sandy’s been saying she wants to quit but hasn’t gone through with it yet. I called her and we’re banding together on this. Anyone else is welcome to join us.

My only worry is that I might start cutting — heavily — again. I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. In the meantime:

• Every time I want to buy a pack of cigarettes, I’m putting that $5.55 into the little plastic container I set aside for myself. That’s my Six Flags/Indianapolis/New clothes fund.
• I’m going to buy a new notebook and take it to work with me, so that during my fifteen minute break I can write instead of smoke.
• I’m going to buy a pack of gum to keep myself from chewing the insides of my cheeks to shreds.
• I can still drink coffee!! I rarely get to smoke while having my coffee, so it won’t be a trigger for me.

I am well aware of the weird dreams I’m going to be having. I tried to quit a few years ago and went two weeks before I got stressed again and gave in. During those first few nights I dreamed about smoking, cigarettes and all kinds of weirdness. I’m also aware of how much of a bitch I’m going to be. Hopefully I can finish this pack today and wake up tomorrow without having a smoke. Yeah, I think that’s the plan, either way. I want to get this over with.

I just hope I don’t gain any weight.