To start with, my car is intent on killing me. It has a lot of weird electrical problems that can’t be fixed because there’s no telling where it’s coming from. My windshield wipers work only when they want to — as in, never. Even if I disconnect the battery — which I have to if I’m going to be somewhere for more than two hours, or else some unknown source will drain it — sometimes it still won’t start when I reconnect it. Sometimes I have to put it into Neutral before it will start. Sometimes the windows won’t go down, or the window fuse will blow. There’s more that I’m forgetting, but that’s basically it.

The last couple of days in a row I had to drive around, in the rain, with no windshield wipers. Pouring rain. Tonight I planned on picking up Mike to cash our checks and then heading home to get some work done, but when I tried to leave his house the car wouldn’t start. After disconnecting and reconnecting the battery several times in a row, I finally reconnected it, put it into Neutral and then it started. I desperately need a reliable car for when I start at SCSU, but it’s hard saving money when I only work 16 hours a week and need to pay medical bills for the chiropractor. Basically it’s to the point where it’s get a better car or go to SCSU. I just don’t see how I can afford both without the financial aid this next semester.

I’m also having a lot of problems with “Jude.” I don’t even feel like going into detail because I’ve already ranted and raved about it fifty times today to three different people, but she’s making very bad choices and I don’t know how to get through to her. It’s gotten to the point where she’s ditching her friends left and right to party and I just don’t understand it. She says one thing and then goes and does another. “Jude,” if you’re reading this, it’d be nice if you would quit hanging up on me when I try to talk to or call you, and actually talk to me.

To top everything off, things in my household are escalating to the point that it’s a battleground. My sister, parents and I have been staying with family for over three years now. None of us are getting along now, and it’s all I can do to keep my mouth shut anymore. Probably the most frustrating thing is to watch my little sister go from relatively happy-go-lucky to this constantly stressed and nearly depressed person, because of this whole living situation. When I do spend time with my sister and parents it seems all the four of us do is fight. There is just so much animosity building up between the seven of us living together in the house that I’m afraid our original bonds will be broken by the time we move out.

I always thought, as a teenager, that if I could only just be eighteen I would have complete control of my life. I thought that I could be happy because I would have more control. It seems like I’m even more powerless, and though I try to keep my head over the water I can’t seem to stay afloat.

Every cent I make at work just disappears for one thing or another. I can’t save any money. I could get a second job but I have no idea how I would be able to work two jobs and go to school. I could move out on my own, if I gave up on getting my BA and started working full-time. I don’t want to do that, but it’s starting to seem as if that’s what I should do. I could also even just take a class or two per semester, but I’d have to pay for it out of pocket and I couldn’t afford that and an apartment with bills. I can’t even turn to Mike, because he’s having enough trouble finding work. The two of us can’t afford a place right now, even though it would solve both of our problems. I feel like I have nothing in my own grasp.

I know that everyone faces uncertainties. I know there are people out there who have it worse. I just don’t think it is healthy to be this stressed out, all of the time. I don’t ever get a break. I’m struggling to get my homework down, struggling to maintain peace in my “home,” struggling to keep one of my best friends who seems to have gone off the deep end, and in the end I have nothing to show for anything I do.