If you’re a guy, you probably don’t want to read this. I can’t be held liable for any emotional trauma this might put you through. You’ve been warned.

When I get my period it’s usually light, short, and sweet. I live on pantiliners, and four days later it’s all done. I don’t get cramps.

That all changed today.

I’m dying. Seriously. My uterus feels like Freddie Kreuger has his hand twisting around in there. Even worse, I’m a basket case. I’m rereading Breaking Dawn and got to the part where Alice and Jasper take off.

I burst into tears.

“What’s wrong with you?” Lauren asked.

“Alice l-l-left!”

Several minutes later, I got to the part where Bella finds Alice’s note. “T-t-to protect the b-b-baby!”

I went to Mike’s earlier so we could take a trip to Walmart and gave Tracy a huge hug. “Do you have any Midol?” I whispered.

“No, but I’ve got Motrin 800!”

It only took forever to kick in. We went to Walmart and McDonald’s. By the time I put my first fry in my mouth, the 800 finally made its way through my system. I felt normal again.

Until we finished dinner. I took Mike’s head off over rechargeable batteries, and two minutes later I was ready to cry again for being so mean.

“Are you okay?” Poor Mike. He was totally baffled.

“Yeah. No. I don’t know.”

He stood in silence for a moment as I clung to him. “Are you pregnant?”

“No. Definitely not,” I said through gritted teeth.

“You sure?”

“Positive.”

As I write this I can feel the ibuprofen 800 wearing off (there’s no more — I’m fucked) and I’m stuffing my face with Airheads. I’m pretty sure Mike has no idea I’ve got my period.