I’ve been living in a little bubble of hell during the last two days. I had weird, empty nightmares the last couple of nights. I woke up this morning thinking about old, painful things. I laid in bed for hours last night, my head all kinds of fucked up. I have lost more trust than I ever have before during this weekend, and since Friday it seems like my past has come back to haunt me. I’m scared and I’m alone and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I want more: to be alone or to try and learn to trust again. It seems like every time I put my trust in someone, they just end up hurting me or taking advantage of me.
What do you do when the one person you thought you could trust, the one person you thought you were safe with, is not that person? What if, time and time again, they keep doing the same thing? What if they apologize for it every time but then do it over and over, even though they know it hurts you? What if you can’t trust anyone?
You are supposed to be able to trust teachers. They are supposed to care about you and they are supposed to guide you. They are supposed to be people you can look up to and people you can go to when things are wrong. Sometimes, sick people hide behind the facade of someone who cares. Sometimes these people hurt other people. Sometimes, when you’ve been hurt, no one believes you. The teacher still has his job. He can do it to someone else.
You are supposed to have fun in school. You’re supposed to make friends and maybe even date. They shouldn’t make you do things you don’t want to do. They are supposed to be your peers and your comrades, but most of them are sick. They touch you and whisper in your ear, they make you want to scream but you can’t.
Time and time again my trust has been betrayed. I am naive and stupid; once I finally let my guard down and start opening up, I only end up being hurt. I want, more than anything, to give back the trust that others put into me, but I just can’t anymore. I think of all the times I was lied to and all of the times I was disrespected and it makes me fucking sick.
Once again, my trust has been betrayed. Once again I question myself and I wonder if I’m just an easy target. The things that have been done to me are sick and unspeakable, and I thought that it was all behind me. I thought that I could move on and that I could finally have an unshakeable kind of trust in someone else.
Oh Elizabeth
I really don’t know what to say! I know that it’s hard to give advice when you’ve never really been in that situation before…but if you’ve lost trust and been hurt like that, and the person keeps doing it over and over again without changing…it may be time to step far away from them. I’m not sure if you’re talking about one person here or if you’re talking about a lot of people…so I can’t really say anything helpful 
I’m here if you ever want to talk! *hugs*
Oh, honey. ::Big hug:: I love you.
We are going to talk about this tomorrow! Call me when you get on campus!!!!
Sarcastica: Thanks. I’m going to write a follow-up (that actually makes sense) in a few. This was just kind of a muddled collection of thoughts.
@Faiqa: Thank you for my hugs. (:
@Nikki: I’m so looking forward to later! (:
Sorry to blogstalk, saw you post on another blog and I clicked myself here…I’ve only read a couple of posts, but your writing style really allows me to empathize.
This post really took me back to a place I haven’t been emotionally in like…wow, 14 years. I had once thought myself to be an impeccable judge of character until one day I realized I had moved in with what was probably a textbook sociopath.
Finding out that the person you decided to trust the most is the kind of person you shouldn’t even tell your name to… it was enough to make me break down. It completely shattered my self-image and I was unable to trust anyone for a long time. But it did allow me to rebuild my self-image on a more solid foundation. I think that it made me more emotionally independent of other people, if that makes any sense. I learned a lot.
There are a lot of damaged people out there who are trying to make their own way through their messed up lives and unfortunately many of them blindly rip through our lives in that process. In their attempts to avoid pain, they sometimes hurt us. It really sucks, but you recover and maybe find something out from it. There are kind and trustworthy humans in the world – they just don’t get a lot of ad space.
@Glenn: I don’t mind being blogstalked.
It’s definitely difficult to learn how to trust again once anything traumatically trust-damaging happens to you. Like you said, I became a lot more emotionally independent after getting out of one particularly damaging relationship. Still, it stays with you. It’s kind of like a haunted house; I just can’t get rid of those ghosts.
There are definitely plenty of good people out there, and you’re right — they don’t get a lot of credit. It’s hard to find those people, but once you do — I think I may have — it’s comforting and relieving.
Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. I know how hard it can be to talk about these kinds of things, and I really appreciate your contribution.