Monthly Archives: January 2009

I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head

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I’ve been living in a little bubble of hell during the last two days. I had weird, empty nightmares the last couple of nights. I woke up this morning thinking about old, painful things. I laid in bed for hours last night, my head all kinds of fucked up. I have lost more trust than I ever have before during this weekend, and since Friday it seems like my past has come back to haunt me. I’m scared and I’m alone and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I want more: to be alone or to try and learn to trust again. It seems like every time I put my trust in someone, they just end up hurting me or taking advantage of me.

What do you do when the one person you thought you could trust, the one person you thought you were safe with, is not that person? What if, time and time again, they keep doing the same thing? What if they apologize for it every time but then do it over and over, even though they know it hurts you? What if you can’t trust anyone?

You are supposed to be able to trust teachers. They are supposed to care about you and they are supposed to guide you. They are supposed to be people you can look up to and people you can go to when things are wrong. Sometimes, sick people hide behind the facade of someone who cares. Sometimes these people hurt other people. Sometimes, when you’ve been hurt, no one believes you. The teacher still has his job. He can do it to someone else.

You are supposed to have fun in school. You’re supposed to make friends and maybe even date. They shouldn’t make you do things you don’t want to do. They are supposed to be your peers and your comrades, but most of them are sick. They touch you and whisper in your ear, they make you want to scream but you can’t.

Time and time again my trust has been betrayed. I am naive and stupid; once I finally let my guard down and start opening up, I only end up being hurt. I want, more than anything, to give back the trust that others put into me, but I just can’t anymore. I think of all the times I was lied to and all of the times I was disrespected and it makes me fucking sick.

Once again, my trust has been betrayed. Once again I question myself and I wonder if I’m just an easy target. The things that have been done to me are sick and unspeakable, and I thought that it was all behind me. I thought that I could move on and that I could finally have an unshakeable kind of trust in someone else.

Unmotivated

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4

This quitting smoking thing is seriously sucking my motivation.

I talked with Sarcastica on Facebook IM earlier and we got ourselves all riled up and motivated… and I got nothing done.

I talked with Nikki for at least forty-five minutes on the phone, and then let her go so I could get to work… and I got nothing done.

I talked to Mike for two minutes to ask him to come pick me up, then let him go and told myself I was going to get to work… and I got nothing done.

I really wanted to blog about something actually interesting or maybe even witty… but I just can’t think.

Maybe tomorrow.

Quickie!

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5

My life is so boring right now:

  • I start at SCSU on Monday. I’m just now getting anxious about it. I still have to go get my books and a backpack (so I don’t have to carry anything). I’m a little nervous about driving back and forth there by myself. It’s all so unfamiliar and weird. I know I’m being silly and will get used to everything really quickly. I usually thrive on big changes like this. So.
  • I just updated and submitted my resume. I’m hoping to get a full-time web design job with one of the big web design firms in my area so that I can get my own place.
  • I started a website for a really big local restaurant at work today. I really like the design mockup I made this afternoon. I honestly didn’t want to go home, and for the longest time after I got home I just sat and daydreamed about finishing this site. I’m such a nerd. Heh.
  • I’ve been using Facebook a lot more lately, and only because I’ve been using it for work. I actually like it now. So if you have one, add me!
  • I want to start building and decorating dollhouse kits. I know it’s so childish, but I think they’re really pretty. Target has them on their website, and so does Toys R Us. I think it’d be a fun hobby to get in touch with my inner child with. Don’t judge me. :P
  • I really need to start writing daily — and I don’t just mean blogging. I need to start writing at least a chapter a day and finish my novel.
  • I’ve been trying to take better care of myself. I’ve officially quit smoking, have been organizing different appointments with doctors, dentists, and staying on top of my chronic pain. Now I need to go get a haircut. I badly need a trim, and I’m not just saying that to make excuses to pamper myself. My hair is really dried out and I have a lot of split ends. :(

This is by far my most boring update, so I’ll understand if you unsubscribe from my feed. ;)

Ice cream makes everything better

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6

I feel like crap today. My throat hurts and I just feel weird. The weirdness I can probably blame on the Ultram I took at about one this morning. My right arm was in agonizing pain so I popped one and played Sonic and Super Mario Bros on the Wii until about 2:30. Then I popped in Fantasia and my stoned ass fell asleep while watching that. It’s kind of weird that I’d still be feeling off hours and hours later. Hmn.

My throat probably hurts because I smoked three half cigarettes yesterday (which, okay, amounts to like one and a half, whatever) and hung out with Mike earlier in the afternoon and then Sandy and Chris last night. Both of them are smokers, so being around all that smoke is probably why my throat hurts.

Then again, I’m probably just lying to myself because I don’t want to think — even for a second — that I might be sick again. Nononono.

I watched Cube last night with Sandy and Chris. It was really interesting. A handful of complete strangers with different personalities and backgrounds were stuck inside of a giant cube that reminded me of a Rubik’s cube. They had to figure out how to get out of there and how to avoid the trapped rooms. I think this movie was what inspired the Saw guys.

After that we tried to get the Sega Genesis working so we could play Sonic but it finally bit the dust, I think. We ended up watching Strangeland and that’s when I decided to go home because I was in so much pain. I’ve never seen Strangeland and couldn’t pay much attention to it. I went home at about 12:30. How lame. It really sucks that I can’t take my medication while I’m out. I lose out on so much because of whatever the hell it is that’s wrong with me.

Oh well. Mike gets out of work at 2 and we’re probably gonna go get sundaes. :D