Obviously my chronic illness bothers me. There’s no denying that I’m constantly angry, frustrated, or depressed because I am almost always in pain. But last night I realize what bothers me the most about this whole thing.
I always feel so weird complaining, like maybe I don’t have the right to complain because I don’t have a diagnosis. I read other chronic pain blogs and they all know what’s wrong with them. I can empathize with the pain, but I feel left out because I don’t have a word for what’s wrong with me. I feel like I don’t have a place or a group to belong to, as strange as that sounds. Ironically, I’ve always felt like I never quite fit in anywhere, so naturally it has to be the same way with my illness.
There are whole communities devoted to people with Lyme Disease, corners of the web for people with Thoracic Outlet Syndrome, and even a place for moms with chronic pain illnesses. Undiagnosed.org is empty. It’s just a placeholder for something. Am I truly alone out there?
I still have to get yet another round of blood work for Lyme Disease done. I might do it tomorrow morning, as long as I can find someone to take me (I hate going alone), and as long as it doesn’t interfere with going to the beach (yes, I’m that bad at finding excuses).
Maybe it’s the gloomy weather, but today it’s a lot harder to deal. Maybe it’s because my legs hurt, reminding me that I’m not as healthy as I was a couple of years ago. Maybe you can’t tell from the outside, but I feel like shit. All I want to do is fall asleep and ignore everything else for the rest of the day — including Mike, who I’m supposed to hang out with later.
Maybe, instead of working on web projects, I’ll channel all this blah into something productive and WRITE. I miss writing. That would be nice.
