Yesterday, I got no answers. Instead, I went for more blood work. Because apparently the hospital that my rheumatogolist’s office is connected to does blood work better than the place I normally use.

By the time I got home I was exhausted, emotionally and physically, and starving. And I still had to go out to the pharmacy to buy my golden birth control.

Somewhere between the pharmacy and home, I got into a huge fight with someone because they lied to me. It wasn’t the first time, so I was livid. There’s nothing I hate more than a liar. By the time I got home from that, I was beyond Tired and all the way into I Packed My Bags and Went Crazy. Dad asked me something about work, and I lost it. I cried all over myself and my mom, and then cried some more.

Three weeks into not sleeping, working part-time, running a business, going to school full-time, and running a pen pal support group, and I lost it. I feel like a total failure.

I told Mom about how, at night, I literally wake up in the dead of night (four, five in the morning) with urgent tasks such as “Set up email on Google!” and “Check Spyware Doctor to see what it found while scanning!” Some days I wake up even before my alarm goes off. I toss and turn all night, my mind racing with everything I need to get done. Because it needs to get done, or the world is going to explode or implode or something like that.

I’m also up at night in pain a lot of the time, or toss and turn worrying about test results. So, no sleep + stress + multiple jobs = AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH! (Imagine here a little Lizzie Maguire stick figure running around, except she should look like me. If anyone wants to draw said Lizzie Maguire stick figure for me, go right ahead!)

Mom sat on the floor with me and gave me several relaxation techniques I can use at night to try to shut my mind the fuck up. One of them is repeating the same word (it should be a soothing word) over and over when I start to think of my To Do list. I did that last night, and it helped a little.

I have a lot I need to think about. Obviously, something has to go. I can’t do it all. If I could sleep better, I could probably handle it all better. So I’m going to work on that and see how it goes.