Monthly Archives: October 2009

Comeback

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NaNoWriMo — National Novel Writing Month, for those of you who have somehow missed all of my blogs and tweets and Facebook status updates regarding the matter ;) — starts in less than nine hours.

Nine hours, until I can finally start writing the book I’ve been planning for the last two months, until the idea I got over a year ago can finally take shape and grow.

I sat at McDonald’s, waiting for Sandy and my godkids Kaylene and Konner to arrive. I hadn’t seen them in a while, and I missed them so much. I sat waiting among parents with little kids running around, eating dinner, playing in the PlayLand, and suddenly realized that I was probably the only person there without a kid. It felt a little strange, not being in what I call The Mom Club, even though most of my friends have kids. I felt kind of out of place, a lone woman waiting for her group to arrive.

I started to wonder, what would it feel like for a woman to meet her child for the first time in such a situation? I thought about it until Sandy and the kids arrived, and while we ate I scribbled the idea down on a scrap piece of paper.

It sat in my ideas notebook for a long time.

After it’d sat in that notebook for about a year, I pulled it out and expanded the idea on a single sheet of paper. I did a little bit of pre-writing, then lost my steam. I paperclipped the original scrap to that sheet of paper, and it went right back into that idea notebook for another few months.

In September, I started thinking about NaNoWriMo again. The idea I’d forgotten about suddenly demanded to be written. Originally, I’d thought about just writing a short story. I had done a brief character outline of my main character, but nothing else. Now, a different character had taken shape, with a host of supporting characters to guide her through the journey I planned for her.

I spent the last two months breathing life into these characters and preparing an outline. It gave me something else to think about besides the stress of being sick and the stress of school.

Now, hours away, I am still itching to get started. The fire that started within me is still burning brightly. I actually can’t help but wonder if the events of the last couple of years of my life have all led up to this moment. It took me being really sick and going through trying to get diagnosed to get back to my first love: writing. It took me having to drop out of school because I am just too stressed out and my body is suffering because of it. You know how, in a book or movie, big events are the only things that change the main characters? It’s like that in real life, too. For me, being in pain and enduring all these weird ass symptoms — someday I will post an updated list, as they’ve progressed a lot since — was what it took to get me to come back to writing; I haven’t done much writing in over a year.

In coming back to my love, I feel like I’m finding myself again. Maybe I can’t find the pieces of me that this disease has taken away, but I am finding pieces of my old self that I can still have. I can still write. Yes, it may be painful sometimes (I can still remember writing The Cure Program during NaNoWriMo 2007 and all of the pain that brought me), but it’s worth it because it reminds me that I am still here inside of this hurting body.

So although it’s hard to be completely honest about how I feel — how truly depressed I am — I can honestly say that having Secondhand Mom to look forward to has given me purpose again. It’s not the same kind of purpose that school gave me — the doing it just to do it kind. It means more, and it makes me feel like I’m alive. I know that sounds so corny because it’s so goddamn overused, but that’s truly how I feel. As I thought about all of my characters and gave them histories and problems and brought them to life, I think I brought myself back to life. This disease has sucked an awful lot of life out of me, and I know that the people around me will agree with me when I say that.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, writing this book is giving me a reason to keep on fighting for myself. And right now, that’s the closest I can get to describing how I feel.

Hiding

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I wanted to write an honest post about how I’m doing, but it scares me.

I don’t want to admit that I’m not doing well.

So instead, I’ll just say that I am so glad I have NaNoWriMo and this novel to look forward to. I don’t know what I’d do if I couldn’t write.

Dear Mr. Sandman, a hate letter

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Dear Mr. SandmanFuckturd,

Why do you keep skipping over me?

I understand why you did it last week. Tuesday I was in too much pain to sleep, and Wednesday and Thursday Cymbalta cockblocked you. (I’ve quickly realized that Cymbalta CANNOT help. Are you in cahoots* with Cymbalta? I’d better not find out you are!)

But this week? Where the fuck have you been? I stopped taking Cymbalta like a good girl. I even went to bed early last night after watching Dollhouse. I went to bed at like 9:00, and you stood me up! I never go to bed that early, but for you I did. I lay there for at least an hour, and spent the entire night waking up over and over again.

Listen, Mr. SandmanDorkwad, I am not the kind of girl who tolerates being stood up. I want my magic sleep dust, and I want it now. If you don’t show up tonight, there’s going to be trouble. I’m talking people with pitchforks and torches at your door, Mr. SandmanSlacker.

Singing ample threats with your name in them,
Me

*Did I really just use the word “cahoots”?

More NaNoWriMo pre-writing tips

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Everyone is getting ready for NaNoWriMo! @mzhartz asked her readers for support, @mystressmanda posted her thoughts about NaNoWriMo and her plot for this year, and @aliciagregoire posted some pre-writing ideas on her blog. (Can you tell I’m spending a lot of time checking out the #nanowrimo hashtag on Twitter?)

I’m really enjoying reading tweets and blog posts about people getting ready. It’s getting me more pumped and I can tell that having other NaNo-ers via blogs and Twitter is going to keep me motivated throughout November.

I spent this afternoon doing some more pre-writing. I flipped through my pre-writing notebook and wrote each scene I’d envisioned throughout the last couple of months (and the scenes I’d first imagined when I first got the idea for my novel over a year ago) on an index card. At the top right of each card, I wrote either Past or Present, depending on what part of my novel’s timeline the scene falls into.

Then, I organized the cards by the order in which I want to write each scene. I now have the first half of my novel outlined in detail.

Since I’m not sure about the rest of it, I made a KWL chart. As silly as it sounds, it really helped! Under K (What I Know), I listed the problems I know my main character and some of the other characters have to solve. Under the W (What I Want to Know), I wrote down questions I have for the novel. (Who does my main character end up with? How does she decide that she is going to let go of her son?) Under L (What I’ve Learned), so far I’ve got nothing. Hopefully I can fill out this section after I’ve finished writing the novel.

Funny how, while using KWL charts in school, I thought I’d never use them outside of the classroom. I think having those questions under W will keep me motivated to finish the novel. I really want to know how it ends! (I thought I had an ending a few weeks ago, but after doing more pre-writing and a little roleplaying in my head, I really have no idea.)

I still want to do a little more pre-writing; I would really like to write profiles for a couple more characters. I do think I’ve got a pretty good handle on everyone, through the roleplaying exercises I did while driving back and forth to school. (Hey, I’ve gotta entertain myself for those thirty-plus minutes somehow!) I did some actual writing of an event in the point of view of my antagonist, so I have a pretty good handle on him. (I also thought of some great ways for him to annoy my main character while doing my index cards this afternoon!)

On a totally different note, if you haven’t carved a pumpkin yet, consider doing one for charity! Zombie Pumpkins has hundreds of stencils you can purchase and download. The proceeds go to a charity that packs bags of things abused children really need. Mike found it over at Proton Charging and showed it to me earlier this evening. It’s for a good cause, and they have some wicked cool stencils available (I really want the Eric Draven one)!