My house has two flights of stairs, each with maybe fifteen steps. I run up and down these guys all the time. By the time I got halfway up the second flight last night, I thought my legs were going to collapse. I’ve felt like Bambi before, but it never got that bad. Every step felt like my legs were weighted down with concrete blocks. I got to the top landing and stood there leaning on the rail for a minute before I went inside. I still felt like Bambi, but my legs felt a little stronger.

On my way to the bathroom, they gave out completely. I collapsed onto my laundry basket (and almost broke it). That has never happened before.

Two minutes later, my legs went back to normal and I was able to change, brush my teeth, and get into bed.

Earlier, on my way to math class, my hip got really stiff and sore. I spent most of the day in pain, various spots of my legs, arms, and shoulders flaring now and then. (It also totally didn’t help that I had cramps so bad that my back hurt.) I never expected my legs giving up, though.

I called out of work, just because I wasn’t sure how I would feel in the morning and at that point last night I felt that bone-deep fatigue I get every once in a while. I didn’t want to call out. I never wanted this to come between me and my work.

I woke up early this morning and lay in bed debating whether to call my rheumatologist. After pro- and conning it to death, I decided not to. I would have to drive over there, pay $30 for the visit, and $2 for parking, for him to check my reflexes and ponder the mystery of it all, only to send me home without any answers. Plus, my stupid leg hurt earlier this morning, and now everything else is taking turns flaring up, so I just don’t feel like taking the adventure.

I’ll just write the whole episode down in my notebook, and tell him about it when I see him on the 19th to get my blood test results. I know I should try to see him today — or at least try to see my PA — but I’m getting really tired of the whole cycle.

At the same time, to be completely honest, I’m terrified. I can easily see myself confined to a wheelchair, still without a diagnosis or treatment plan. All of my dreams gone in an instant.

…taken my arms, taken my legs, taken my soul, left me with life in hell