Dear Mr. SandmanFuckturd,

Why do you keep skipping over me?

I understand why you did it last week. Tuesday I was in too much pain to sleep, and Wednesday and Thursday Cymbalta cockblocked you. (I’ve quickly realized that Cymbalta CANNOT help. Are you in cahoots* with Cymbalta? I’d better not find out you are!)

But this week? Where the fuck have you been? I stopped taking Cymbalta like a good girl. I even went to bed early last night after watching Dollhouse. I went to bed at like 9:00, and you stood me up! I never go to bed that early, but for you I did. I lay there for at least an hour, and spent the entire night waking up over and over again.

Listen, Mr. SandmanDorkwad, I am not the kind of girl who tolerates being stood up. I want my magic sleep dust, and I want it now. If you don’t show up tonight, there’s going to be trouble. I’m talking people with pitchforks and torches at your door, Mr. SandmanSlacker.

Singing ample threats with your name in them,
Me

*Did I really just use the word “cahoots”?