All the white noise can't leave the scene behind

The first time that I remember it happening, we lived at the duplex.

I sat in the pink upstairs bathroom, doing my business. Suddenly, as if listening to a radio, I heard a woman’s voice. I couldn’t make out anything she said; most of it was static and crackling. I looked out the window. No one there. No one lived downstairs or upstairs from us, and to my knowledge no one was playing a radio in the house. As crazy as this sounds, the static came from inside of me.

(Note: I don’t hear voices. Promise.)

I got the hell out of the bathroom as quickly as possible.

It happened every so often after that, in the same pink bathroom. Same woman’s voice, washed out by static.

White noise.

Another time, I sat on Mommy’s bed in my parents’ bedroom while Mommy read to Lauren and I. The phone rang and Mom answered it. I could hear my aunt. While Lauren and I sat waiting for the conversation to end so we could get back to whichever Narnia book we were on, I heard the white noise again.

I looked frantically at my sister. She heard nothing. I looked at Mom and tried to tell myself it was just my aunt’s voice that I was hearing, but it wasn’t. I tried to tell myself it was some radio station crossed with the phone lines or something, but it sounded exactly like the same woman’s voice, all muffled and drowned out by static. No one else heard it, either.

I was definitely creeped out.

Luckily, I haven’t heard it in years.

Until last night.

I usually go to bed listening to some kind of music on my BlackBerry (it’s also an mp3 player) — especially if I can’t sleep, am stressed, or worried (which I am, all three). Last night I plugged in my headphones, stuck them in my ears, and heard weird noise.

Not headphone feedback.

White noise.

I can’t even really explain it, but I know it wasn’t just a regular headphone thing.

I noticed that I had accidentally turned my camera on (there’s a button on the side), so I exited it and the white noise stopped. A second later, it started again.

No woman’s voice, but it was definitely there, and definitely creepy.

“Lauren?” I didn’t want to wake her up because I knew she had to go into work for five in the morning, but I had to make sure I wasn’t losing my damn mind.

“Hmn?” She turned toward me.

“Listen to this.” I handed her the headphones. “I don’t have music playing. I promise. Just listen.”

I watched her face as she listened. Her eyes widened a little. “That’s weird.”

“Isn’t it? It’s fucking creepy. White noise,” I said, taking the headphones back and putting them back in my ears. I could still hear it.

I hadn’t even thought about the white noise I heard as a kid until this morning, when I was on Twitter talking to Kreshnik.

I’m trying not to think about it anymore. What are some weird things you’ve experienced but couldn’t explain? Leave a comment and share it!

I appreciate, Lauren…

that we can look at each other, not say a word, and know exactly what the other is thinking.

our inside jokes. (The bra is on the cow’s head.)

the Dollhouse, Buffy, and everything else marathons.

how awesome of a writer you are.

your sense of humor. (Gubba.)

that you are my little sister.

your (stubborn) determination to do well in school and to not miss school (even when you’re sick).

when you listen to me rant and rave about the same stuff, over and over again, as if you’re hearing it for the first time.

when you remind me that I’ve already bitched about something and tell me you don’t want to hear it anymore.

that you have welcomed Michael as a part of the family and love him almost as much as I do.

the ginormous purses you wear, buy, and barely use.

our differences, in music, men, food, etc.

the things we have in common.

how good you are with Katarina, even though you insist you don’t like kids.

when you stick up for me, even when we both know I’m wrong.

that you understand everything, even if you’ve never experienced it.

that I can tell you anything without being afraid of being judged.

You’re my best girl friend. I love you.

I appreciate, Aunt Wendy…

the afghan that you made me.

how strong you are.

how far you have come and how far you will continue to go in life.

that you turned your experiences into a positive thing by reaching out and helping people going through similar things.

the way you laugh when something is funny; it’s contagious and makes me want to laugh, too.

your giving spirit.

I love you and am so glad you are back in my life.

I appreciate, Mike…

Mike and I, summer 2009

Mike and I, summer 2009

that you came over that night after working a long ass shift because I needed you, even though you didn’t know why.

when you kiss my forehead or the tip of my nose.

the way you can make me smile, even when there is nothing to smile about.

the way you laugh when you’ve said something funny.

how you will do things like run errands, shop for groceries, and clean the house for your mom, without so much as one complaint.

how good you are with kids. You will be an awesome uncle to Robbie’s daughter, and an awesome father when the time comes.

the way you treat my family, with kindness and respect. You will be the best -in-law ever known to this planet.

that you can play any video game, beat it within a few days, and then play it again just for the Xbox Achievements.

your imagination. You should seriously write a book or screenplay.

your sense of humor and hilarious rants. Start a blog. Please. So I can pimp your awesomeness off to my bloggy friends.

when you hold me close, without saying any words.

that you refuse to shave your beard or trim your hair during the NFL season, because it will bring bad luck to our team.

that you wear the same uniform every game day, because if you don’t, it will bring back luck to our team.

the awesome cheesecake you make at random.

the mean NY Strip that you made a few months ago. I’m still craving it.

how good you are with your little brother.

the endless love and support that you give me, no matter what I choose to do or how many times I change my mind.

that you gave me such a hard time when we first started dating; you are worth every time I banged my head into the wall with frustration.

your random food cravings, both when they complement my random cravings and when they are the complete opposite of what I want.

your taste in music.

that you retain so much knowledge and share it with me, whether I care or not. It’s provided me a never ending learning opportunity.

the way you stubbornly refuse to be anything but who you are, and don’t care what people think.

when you hold my hand while driving.

when you tell me I am your life. You’re mine, too.

how you tell me over and over that you love me.

I love you, bearded man.

(Stolen from Britt. I’m going to do as many of these as possible this weekend.)

The C word

I slipped out the door and broke into the cold November air. I saw him, sitting in the Rav4 across the street. He sat perfectly still, smoking a cigarette and staring into the intersecting street ahead. For a moment I watched him, then forced myself to take the three short steps down and to walk across the street. As I walked around the front of the truck, I looked down at the ground, avoiding his eyes for fear of breaking down before I could even get the words out.

I slid into the truck and closed the passenger door behind me.

“What’s wrong?” He asked. “Is it Biz Noni?”

“No,” I said.

“Popi?”

I nodded, and the tears started sliding down my cheeks. I barely felt them. I thought I had exhausted my tear ducts but it appeared there was an unlimited supply.

“What is it?” He asked. Then: “Cancer?”

I nodded and lost it. I curled up in the seat and repeated what I had been told just hours earlier: “Liver. Lung. Third stage. Maybe bone.” Between sobs, I told him that the CAT-SCAN had shown a spot on his liver and a shadow on his lung. The doctors at the VA hospital were hoping that the shadow on his lung was just scar tissue from when he had pneumonia years ago, but had told my grandmother that it’s most likely cancer.

Noni and Popi found out Friday. Mom told Lauren and I Saturday night.

An MRI yesterday showed that the cancer is also in most of his spine, but not in the spinal cord. Noni said the PET-SCAN they did today will show everything and that they should get the results tomorrow.

I went to visit him earlier tonight with Mom and Dad. He looked good, and he was cracking jokes as usual, so there’s that. They were giving him morphine for the pain in his hip and legs, and are going to do physical therapy on his leg so that he can get around better when he comes home.

He’s probably not coming home until next week.

I can’t imagine Thanksgiving without him.

I can’t really wrap my head around the whole thing at all.