I have had many best friends.
The first was Emily, in kindergarten. We talked on the phone.
The second was Elizabeth, in second grade. Then I met Jackie, Desi, and Miranda, and in third grade the four of us were sort of inseparable.
In fourth grade, I met Vanessa. We were best friends all the way up until 8th grade. Even when she moved to Panama during our 5th and 6th grade years, we still kept in touch, and when she came back to Connecticut, we continued to stay in touch. We were best friends again in 8th grade, but lost touch during high school.
The summer before 8th grade, it was Leugim.
During 8th grade, it was me, Vanessa, Jessica, Reshma, and Sandra.
My freshman year of high school, it was Lauren and Ryan, interchangeably. When sophomore year came, I met Sandy. We were best friends up until maybe a year or so ago.
Now I consider the cat my best friend. Or Mike, depending on how the day is going.
I scroll through Facebook status updates and Facebook pages, read old journal and blog entries, cycle through memories. Each of these people were once a huge part of my life, but they aren’t anymore. And I don’t get it.
I don’t get why I can’t seem to hold on to anyone that I care about. I don’t get why the relationships I think are precious to me end up not being precious to the other person. I don’t get why distance, time, and differences ebb away the closeness that once was. I don’t get the petty backstabbing. I don’t get why I move through life like a ghost, passing by people but never sticking to them. I once thought that it wasn’t me, that it was them, but maybe it really is me.
I think about inviting these old friends out for a cup of coffee or some lunch. I can see us sitting at a table, catching up, sharing the years that passed without a word over an hour or so. A simple message over Facebook could arrange this. But then I hesitate. What if we don’t have anything in common anymore? Or even worse: what if they say no?
Then the moment passes and I feel like an idiot. Normal people don’t cling to the past. Normal people move on through the future. Normal people make new friends.
I am not normal. I don’t make friends. Everyone I ever knew or cared about just drifts away. And I find that I have to look at myself, very closely. I once thought I was a good person, that I was a great friend — the kind who would bend over backward for my friends. I thought that I was fun to hang out with, that I was interesting enough to keep around.
More and more, I feel like a hermit. I fear that I will be alone. I fear that these friends from the past don’t think of me anymore. Maybe I meant nothing to them. Maybe I will never mean anything again.
Is this normal? Or should I just suck it up?
Read my Batman/Harley fan fiction! Harley Quinn decides she’s tired of Joker’s bullshit and decides to take revenge…
honestly it’s not you, you are a very good friend Lis, and although some people are assholes, sometimes they dont mean to be. but def facebook your old friends it;s worth it. if they say no, at least you know you offered.
anyway, I should stop checking your blogs. but have an awesome night. and a merry xmas. and take care.
Sandy
I relate to this a lot. I think a lot of people would. I, too, have had many best friends that just didn’t stick, to the point that I am now sort of afraid of labelling anyone my best friend. Sad. My friendships fell apart for various reasons, mostly because we didn’t go to the same school anymore, or something ridiculous like that. One of my best friends from the past subtly let go of her friendship with me because I asked her why she decided to start dating a guy she didn’t know. See, I thought best friends were allowed to question things like that. Apparently not.
I thought so, too. ):
I’ve always been the “one friend to tell everything to” type. I’ve never had big groups of friends. So when these best friendships fall apart, I’m always like, “Damn, it’s just me again.”
Thanks.
And why not? I check your Facebook to make sure you’re alive. So we’ve both reached stalker status. Hooray.
Me too. Thank goodness for my bunny!
haha yeah… but I check ur blog everyday sometimes a couple times a day LOL…. kiinda creepy stalker-ish LOL… but Ive always religiously read your blog kinda hard to turn the switch off ya know.
Oh wow, I didn’t know that. All this time I thought no one was reading (well, lots of people read it now), and I had one reader!
And I check your Facebook almost every day, too.
That’s what I say about my kitty! (Even though she was mad at me for a while for house sitting and leaving her home with my family!)
nothing interesting on my facebook lol… mostly about work…. or grey’s anatomy quotes.
from what I can tell you have tons of readers! But yeah since you gave me the link that first time a long time ago I have read it, I just dont always comment.
It’s not really about finding interesting stuff… it’s more about making sure you and the kids are okay. Do I sound paranoid?
Don’t be worried everything is ok. Konner goes on Jan 18th for the VCUG and I will still keep you posted. Other than that everything is going good.
I hope things are ok with you. I too check to make sure. though I know they can only be as good as they can considering. but I hope you all are hanging in there.
19th (oops typo)
Here’s what I’ve found in life: People suck. I have the same problem – if you want to call it that. At least I used to think it’s a problem. Now I consider it a blessing. I have to figure that the people who are really important with make it through the strainer at the end, and those that slip through it probably aren’t bringing value to your life anyway. As you mention, the petty backstabbing and superficial bullshit. Hang in there. I did and now I think I’m pretty damn good company. Well, and my cats. Uh oh.
You’re not the only one who never forgets but feels forgotten. *squeeze* That dull throb has been with me for years! And I love you for writing about it so I won’t be the only one doing just that for all the world to see.
(=-
Yeah, we’re going okay, I guess. It’s rough.
Yes, please keep me posted. I hope his VCUG goes well.
For the most part, I realize all of this. But every once in a way, it hits me and it sucks, you know? I usually work past it but right now with all of the other stuff going on in my life, it’s been rough.
I like to think I’m pretty good company, too. And yay for kitties!
Comments like this make my wearing my heart on my blog so worth it. Glad I could help. (: