I hate Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I only slightly dislike Friday. Why? Because every work day is hell. Not only am I in pain, stiff, exhausted, and most days spend at least twenty minutes in the bathroom, but my job itself sucks.
I have several major problems with my job.
They give me a hard time about doctor appointments. I’ve only subtly referred to this before, but they don’t seem to be understanding at all, even though they claim that they “try to be.” (They have a lot of claims, actually. I’ll get to this.) My boss gave me false information about sick time policies, and I ended up getting in trouble with his boss, the guy who signs my paychecks. (I’m going to refer to my boss as Boss, and his boss as Owner.) However, I’m still not certain that I was ever given correct information about sick and vacation time, because my contract very vaguely states
BENEFITS: Eligible after 30-days of employment or March 11, 2011.
–Entitled to paid holiday time, one week of paid vacation and one-week of paid sick time.
When I missed two days because of my sinus infection and a nasty pain day, Boss told me that I would be paid for the days I missed, because I am salary. Not long after that conversation, he called me into his office again to inform me that he was wrong, that I wouldn’t be paid, that he had previously had no idea how the policy worked, and that I would from here on out gain a small portion of sick time per every so many hours I work.
Here is the kicker: My contract states March 11th, correct? Well, I’ve only recently even started gaining sick time, and have yet to gain vacation time. So far, I have only accrued 1.50 hours of sick time… which is completely off base from what Boss told me, and off from what my contract says.
So, when I have to leave early for doctors appointments — because Boss has strongly voiced that I should work 8:30-4:30 because “after that, our team isn’t around” — I have to make up the hours. I have to tack on extra time to my work day, which would be fine — if my regular eight hours didn’t already completely wipe me out. If I have a bad pain day, or get sick, I have no sick time to use, so I have to either go in anyway (which I’ve been doing), call out and miss the day of pay (which I don’t think they calculate properly, truth be told), or call out and make up the hours throughout the current pay period.
I do not mind going by a sick time policy… when that policy is actually clear.
They hired me for one position, but have me doing something completely different. My contract lists my position as “Social Marketing and Web Design Coordinator.” During my interview, we discussed my social marketing experience, my web design experience, and how much I knew about SEO. I told them that I had a very, very basic knowledge of SEO: meta tags. My resume strongly illustrated my social marketing and web design skills. During that same interview, I was told that I would be doing “just a little SEO.” Upon starting, I was told that I was not to focus on social marketing, and that I was hired specifically for SEO. Um, what?!
Still, I tried. I genuinely love social marketing. I created plans, offered solid suggestions… all of which were instantly shot down, or completely ignored. So, I tried to learn some SEO. Unfortunately, you don’t just magically become an SEO expert. It takes years of experience to know what you’re doing. Yet I tried anyway. They still instantly shoot down or completely ignore my suggestions.
Day to day, Boss has me working on SEO-focused projects. I don’t have a problem with learning something new, but I do have a problem with working on a project that he directly oversees that he completely forgets about the next day. I am not exaggerating when I say that every day he tells me to do something that I have already done — a project that he came up with, that he oversaw, that he uploaded when it was completed. He frequently changes his mind about what I am supposed to be doing, and has told me to ignore any of the tasks that Owner gives me because “they’re not at all a priority” — but that’s another rant entirely.
Even better, when I give him suggestions that he shoots down or ignores, he later presents them to Owner as if they were his ideas.
The girls at work tell me that it’s not just me.
Speaking of the girls at work, I frequently feel like I’m in high school. Every day, they giggle about something, and when I ask what’s funny, I quickly get “Nothing!” as a response. Today, I brought in grilled chicken and a salad for lunch. Not long after putting it in the fridge, the two girls and my boss began loudly commenting that it smelled. I went to use the bathroom — which was fun, and I’ll get to that — and when I came back, all three of them asked me several times if I brought bologna or hot dogs, even after I said no. Throughout the day, they commented over and over that “it smells like bologna!” I got so sick of hearing it, that I didn’t even eat my lunch, because I didn’t want to hear it any more. I thought my chicken smelled like, well, chicken, but to make sure, I asked my mom to sniff it. She said it smelled like chicken, too. It smelled good to me!
It’s not really a big deal. I just felt like they were specifically targeting me… and the daily “mystery” giggles just add to the feeling that I’m not welcome. To my face, they’re nice. I even know one of them; she dates Mike’s friend, and the four of us go out all the time. I didn’t think she was that kind of person, but sometimes, I’m seeing differently.
Each day brings on new health-related challenges. I am constantly combating fatigue, joint pain, joint stiffness, and my GI issues. Today, for example, my wrists and fingers were so stiff that it took me a really long time to type four-word sentences for a To Do list coworker T and I put together for Boss. I typically spend at least twenty minutes in the bathroom, at least every other day. In the mornings, I am so slow that I am now rushing out of the house, when at first I was getting to work fifteen minutes early — and I still wake up at 6:30 every morning.
Quite honestly, I am waiting for the day when Boss complains that I am in the bathroom for too long. I know it’s coming. I already have my comeback ready — “I have Inflammatory Bowel Disease, okay?” — but still. They already complain when I miss meetings for doctor appointments (even though they have been made aware that I have an undiagnosed autoimmune disease, and therefore these appointments are critical).
These eight-hour days wreak havoc on my already aggravated body. Most days, I come home from work and lay in bed. More and more, I’m even spending my weekends in bed. My Mystery Autoimmune Disease is getting more aggressive, yes, but not being able to rest is really taking its toll. When I worked from home, I could sleep in if I didn’t sleep well the night before, and could take as many rest breaks as I needed to. I’m trying like hell, but I’m having a harder and harder time pushing through it every day. I consider leaving early every day, and the only thing that stops me from leaving early is knowing that I have no sick time to help me out.
I have so many doctor appointments that I am constantly trying to make up for the time missed at work. Thankfully, I got a break last week and this week, but I have more coming up, which I know are going to lead to even more. I’m seeing my gastroenterologist next Wednesday, and he is probably going to order another colonoscopy, since my rheumatologist wants to make sure my bleeding is caused by inflammation, and not something else. Then, as long as the colonoscopy comes back okay, my rheumatologist is starting me on treatment for Rheumatoid Arthritis… and I’m sure that means he’ll be seeing me quite often. I’m also concerned about the treatment itself. As much as I want to have a diagnosis and treatment plan, I have no idea how the treatment is going to affect me. Will I be able to work? I wouldn’t possibly be able to make up all of the time.
For now, I have to wait and see what happens, but I know I have some tough choices ahead. I’d like to look for a different job, but I don’t really want to do that until I know the details of my treatment; I can’t exactly start a new job and then suddenly only be able to come in three of the five days a week, for example, if my treatment includes physical therapy or something. Hell, I’m not sure I can keep my current job if I’ll be doing physical therapy, regular checkups, and different tests to make sure the medications aren’t affecting me badly. I’m sure that before I can even start treatment, I’ll probably have to have x-rays and stuff to check on the lining between my joints.
I want treatment, so badly. If it comes down to choosing between treatment and work, though, I’m going to be in trouble; I can’t afford treatment if I don’t work. I looked into disability a little and I can’t figure out how the process works, where to start. Throughout the last four years, I never once thought that I might have to be on disability… but here we are. Some days I feel like I should be on disability, while others I mentally kick myself for even thinking I need it.
And while my mind runs through all of these things, I just have to keep reminding myself to wait and see, because that’s all I can do. Keep trying to push through each day, and wait and see.
One good thing is coming out of all this: I am learning that I’m pretty mentally strong (or at least pretty fucking stubborn). I just wish that I wasn’t simultaneously so mentally weak; I frequently break and just cry. There are so many other people who have it so much worse, that I feel like I shouldn’t be complaining; I should just make it through without having to push through.
