Tag Archives: aunt rikki

Off My Mind: Things I am Not Going to Worry About

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Lately I’ve been worrying so much that I barely have time for anything else, in my head at least. The other day I realized that I just need to stop worrying… so I did. This is unprecedented in Liz history. The worries are still there, of course, but they no longer threaten to suck me dry. I no longer feel like I’m going to break into little pieces. I still need to purge my system, though, and get these worries off my mind.

I am not going to worry about money anymore. My paycheck every Friday isn’t that great — I work fifteen hours a week and earn minimum wage — and it may be tight every week, but I’m okay. It’ll be even less tight after next Friday, when I pay off the last bill in the stack of bills that I need to catch up on. Hell, I’m even managing to save a little bit of money every week. I’ve gotten damn good at budgeting. Clearly I am wife material.

I am not going to worry that every family member’s health problem is a death sentence anymore. Well okay, that’s probably impossible to stop doing, but I’m going to try. My aunt had her biopsy on the 21st, and the other lady in my life who needs a mammogram has yet to make an appointment, so either way it’s all out of my hands. Worrying is not going to help anything. It’s just going to make me feel sick.

I am not going to worry about my own health problems. Currently I’m in remission, meaning I have little to no symptoms. This could all change tomorrow, but I’m not going to worry about that. I’m actually feeling quite positive about this year’s New York Comic Con; last year, I hurt for days after, but this year I’m less soft because I work in retail again and I’m used to being on my feet for hours. By October 15th, I’ll be a pro. I’m not going to let my pain ruin that day for me.

I’m also not going to worry about my lack of a diagnosis. It’s got to be a good thing that they haven’t found anything, because maybe that means this will go away. Maybe it’s just some weird aftereffect of the mono I had, maybe it’s just the mono working its way out of my system all these years later. I don’t know. I caught a segment of some Mystery Diagnosis-ish show last night and the woman’s symptoms were almost to the T mine; I could have written that part of the episode. She ended up being diagnosed with Scleroderma, an autoimmune disease where the body doesn’t produce enough of the collagen protein and the body attacks its own skin cells and other tissues. It’s a rare disease marked by joint pain, fatigue, Raynaud’s Syndrome, and GI issues. It sounds pretty close to mine, and maybe it’s not mine, but once I get back on my feet and can afford another doctor’s appointment, I’m going to have Pam check my collagen levels in my next blood workup. It gives me something else to go on and something else to cross of the long list of Things That are Not Wrong with Me if the test comes back negative… but I’m not going to let it get to me.

And while we’re still on the health subject, I am so going to stop worrying about my Mirena IUD. When they first told me it could potentially poke through my uterus and cause DOOM, I didn’t worry about it. But ever since I missed my followup because I couldn’t afford the copay, I’ve been freaking out at the slightest bit of pressure in my lower abdomen. Logic tells me I would definitely know if the thing poked through my wall because I’d be in screaming pain and bleeding like a stuck pig or something, but my imagination (as we know) runs rampant and tells me that I am bleeding internally and am going to die. If you’ve ever thought I might be crazy, you now may be convinced that I am completely insane. I’m not apologizing for my imagination. It helps me write stories. :P

I am not going to worry about what I want to do for the rest of my life. I had this problem. I wanted to do everything and couldn’t pick one thing to do forever. A week ago, I realized that I don’t have to pick one thing. A career should be something you enjoy, that you want to get paid for. It shouldn’t be a life sentence. At least, not for me. I am not a “pick one thing and do it forever” kind of person. The only thing I do forever is love someone. I have many interests, all of which wax and wane. It keeps my life interesting and keeps me learning. I can already tell that I’m going to be one of those seventy-year-olds embarking on a new career, because I am always embarking on a new interest, and have already had a successful career.

Part of me wanted to be an editorial assistant, part of me wanted to be a teacher, and part of me wanted to be a surgeon. I can’t do it all at once, and I accept that. I tried to pick one thing to do forever and I couldn’t convince myself that it was okay, so when I realized that I didn’t have to choose, I felt a huge weight come off me. All I had to do was choose which one I wanted to do next. As much as I’d love to be an editorial assistant, it’s not realistic for what I want in my life right now. I’d have to go to school for another two to three years, work the retail job I have now, and then when I finished I’d have to find a job in the field… which would not be easy. I want to work as an editor for a publishing company and read people’s novels and short stories. Those jobs are very, very hard to come by, partly because of the economy, and partly because of the changing landscape of publishing. It doesn’t mean that it would be impossible. It just wouldn’t be easy.

So instead, I’ve decided to chase my other dream for now and come back to that one later: being a teacher. I’ve decided that I’d rather work as a preschool teacher because, as much as I love all kids, that age group is my favorite. And, in Connecticut, you can become a preschool teacher with either an A.S. in Early Childhood Education or your CDA certification. I’ve also heard that many preschool and Head Start programs will hire a teacher as long as they are currently working on their certification. I’ve emailed the head of the ECE department at my community college to see what my best option would be, as the certification on its own would take less time than the A.S., and I’m assuming that since I already have an A.S., I’d be just fine with the certificate.

I’d be able to start working in that field in a relatively short period of time, and then I would have a good paying job with health insurance benefits and enough income to live off of. After that, I could start pursuing my B.A. in English part-time and eventually be in that field, as well as have time to focus on my writing; most preschool teachers are part-time employed, and depending on where they teach, they also have summers off. I would also have something to fall back on if I can’t find employment as an editorial assistant. No matter how I look at it, this works for the best.

I am not going to worry about our wedding plans. Mike and I both have very different ideas of what our wedding should look like. He wants a Halloween wedding and I want a beach wedding — two very different seasons. I worried about us compromising, but I’ve decided that if we don’t, I don’t care. It doesn’t really matter to me how we get married, so long as we do get married. We’re going to talk about our wedding plans, budget, and a possible date later.

I am not going to beat myself up about my savings and worry about how soon we can get our own place. It really bothers me that I had to use the money I saved for an apartment to get through the months I was unemployed… but I’m not going to beat myself up about it anymore. I’m saving money again and moving forward. I’m considering setting up a second savings account that is only for the apartment, that way it’s out of sight and out of mind, and I won’t be tempted to tap into it next time I have a monetary emergency.

And, on a lighter note… I am not going to worry about catching up on Grey’s Anatomy anymore. I finished Episode 16 of Season 7 earlier today, DVRed the first episode of Season 8 last night, and I’ll catch up eventually. I’m not really looking forward to having to wait a whole week to see the next episode, anyway.

Also, on a completely different subject but also equally light note, I am back in my writers’ group at NVCC. I’m also sort of a team leader, the person who is there every Thursday so that we meet once a week no matter what. This also means that, every week, I have to write something. It also means that I’m taking it upon myself to ensure that, every week, we have some kind of snack. Snacks are important. I’m making the writers’ group and the Fresh Ink publication one of my priorities right now, because it helps me make writing one of my priorities. Writing and snacks are important.

What are you not worrying about, and what are you looking forward to? Leave a comment and get the bad things off your mind, and make something good your mind’s priority.

Off My Mind: I Hate Waiting

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I’m good at a few things, but I’m not good with waiting. Patience is most certainly not my virtue. Everyone who knows me knows this. Admittedly, since meeting Mike, I’ve gotten a lot better, because patience is his virtue; it’s hard to always have a hot head when the person you spend the most time with is so relatively calm.

Still, I’m not good at playing the waiting game.

Right now, two people I am very close to are wondering if they have cancer. Breast cancer. And I can’t do anything other than wait, the thing I suck most at. I’m trying my hardest to just write this story right now — that superhero story I tweeted about last week — but I just can’t, and I have to admit that I’m just too weighted down by all of this waiting to really concentrate.

Watching Grey’s Anatomy — one thing that always takes my mind off of all the things that bother me — is not helping, because I’m on Season 5 and Izzy is battling cancer. It’s just everywhere right now and I’m having a hard time dealing with it. Noni and Aunt Martha are battling breast cancer, Aunt Rikki may be battling breast cancer, and now someone else I love — who I’m not going to name just yet because it’s too early and I’m not sure who knows, so there’s no sense in freaking anyone out right now — may be battling breast cancer too, and I’m sick of waiting.

I’m just not good at it.

See you later, stress (much later, hopefully)

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I finally got paid for the projects I was waiting to receive payment for on Wednesday. It felt amazing to deposit that check into my bank account. It also felt amazing to put gas in my car and buy myself a pack of cigarettes. Since I get my first full check from work this coming Friday, I also got myself a few treats: two books and a pound of Starbucks Caffe Verona. I was thinking about going to get tattoos #3 and #4 today, but Mike has work for 3:15 — what a random time — and will have the car. Also, while I know exactly what I want for one of them, I’m still researching and thinking about the other. I’d rather get them both at the same time.

One of the treats was going out for karaoke — on my own tab. The few times I have gone were only because a friend offered to buy my drinks. I am stubborn and hate feeling like a mooch. I had a great time last night with Mike, Sandy, Sean, Mary, and Greg at Hojo’s. I took Sandy out to dinner before we met everyone at the bar, too. It was nice to have some time alone, and it felt good to be able to treat her. (Although, she cornered me into letting her buy me a new pair of jeans. I have to admit, it feels nice to have a pair of jeans that isn’t too tight.)

On Friday I’ll be able to pay for three years of hosting. I cannot wait to move back into elizawhat.com. I’ll also be able to pay back Mike, and pay my mom for my January, February, and March car insurance. This weekend I’m going to send out my March payment now for my student loan, and pick up some gifts for a few birthdays I missed.

I’m so relieved now that I can stand on my own two feet again.

I’m also relieved because my aunt and I have gone back to the relationship we had before. We had dinner together on Wednesday, just like old times. It’s nice to just be aunt and niece again, with that best friend and mother-daughter kind of relationship, instead of us both highly stressed out and butting heads.

On March 10th I have an appointment with Dr. Greco (my rheumatologist). I have some notes for him but nothing really new. I’ve been trying to keep track of my GI system’s shit — no pun intended — to see if there’s a pattern, because I’m obsessive like that, and want some answers for all of my symptoms, dammit. I’ve also been keeping track of my pain and other symptoms.

Work is going well. I’m starting to learn some of their office politics — all businesses have them; I could tell you some stories from my freelance days — and although it’s been a little frustrating, I’m working through it. Mainly, it’s that I’ve come into a position that opened up because they were very, very unhappy with the last person, so they’re extremely cautious with me. While it’s not fair to me, it’s understandable. I know that I rock at my profession, though, so I only have to work at their pace and try my best to soothe their concerns.

I’m working on some stuff for Freaking Bookworm. I’d like to do a monthly book club, and each month do a live podcast that everyone can listen in on and call into to talk about the book. The site I’m probably going to use, TalkShoe, also has live chat during the show, for those who can’t or don’t want to call in. If you’re interested, let me know. I already have the first book in mind; I’m just trying to get together some sort of format. (You know, other than me babbling.) I’d like to have some specific discussion topics, you know?

I’m also looking into monetizing Freaking Bookworm in some way. I’ve tried Google ads and the Barnes and Noble affiliate program, but I know all too well that ads are just white noise to people. (I mean, shit, I ignore them, so why should anyone else pay attention to them?) I’m looking into the Amazon affiliate program, so that I can sell the books I’m reviewing in a little store and receive a commission on the ones I sell. I think it’d be hot shit to literally make money off of reading books so that I can buy more books. It’s the next best thing to making a living off of writing books. ♥

My only real complaint right now is that my allergies are kicking up again, but since that means spring is on the way, I can’t really complain. I’ll just live on Simply Saline and Claritin-D.

That’s really the gist of my life right now — which is a relief. There’s no stress, now that I’m on my feet again. My biggest problem at the moment is figuring out which movie Mike and I should see tonight, if he’s not too tired after work. I’m looking forward to having a date night, but we’re most definitely going out for breakfast tomorrow, so even if we don’t go out tonight, it’s all good. I’m hoping that in the morning we can start putting together a plan for getting our own place. I was thinking about all of the things we’re going to need this morning, and it’s kind of overwhelming. Like, can we really save enough to get the necessities, some extras, and afford the rent, all by the summer?

Still, now that I have a regular paycheck and am not so fucking stressed out, it all seems possible. It doesn’t seem like just a silly dream.

We can really have a life together.

So. That’s how I’m doing. How are you?

There is more than one way to say sorry

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I called my aunt tonight. I had hoped that Mike was right, that she would call me and apologize, but she didn’t. I hate being the one to make first contact when I feel like I’m in the right. For some reason, it’s easier for me to be the one who is wrong and apologize. It’s less awkward than when I expect an apology and don’t think I’m doing to get one.

Still, I am broke, and knew that I needed to call her and check on our invoices if I wanted to be the opposite of broke. I didn’t want anything out of the conversation other than the promise of payment. Subconsciously, what I really wanted was for everything to be okay between us, but I truly expected another fight. I lit a cigarette, steeled myself for an argument, and pressed the call button.

I tensed when she answered. Cautiously, I said hello, suddenly not knowing how to proceed. She dove in and said that she’d been thinking about me, that she’d been wanting to call me all day. All I could say was, “Really?” because I’d been so stiff and full of adrenaline.

Then she said, “I just want to say that I love you.” And she said she just wants to be my aunt. She said she doesn’t want to fight with me. And then she said she loves me again. I felt my body go slack and my eyes start to sting.

Because as hurt and angry as I was — and still am, a little — I don’t want to fight, either. I just want my aunt, the woman who has always been like a second mother. Before we started working together, we had an awesome relationship. Over the last year — and especially the last six months — working together drove us apart. I still don’t know why she was so mad that I couldn’t make it to the meeting. Maybe she was really stressed out. I do know, deep down, that what she said about me doing nothing for her was definitely out of anger. I also know that, oddly enough, things worked out for the best because of this fight; I don’t have to worry about an unsteady income anymore, I don’t feel obligated to be in the family business anymore, and I’m optimistic that our relationship will heal and be the way it once was.

We talked about a few leftover business things, my new job, and she kept telling me that she loves me. That was apology enough for me.

I don’t want to point fingers anymore. I don’t want to fight. I just want to leave it at the knowledge that we can’t work together, and that we will heal our relationship.

I just want my aunt back.

Meet my six-month-old To Do list

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A little over a month ago, I posted a list of things I’d been trying to get done for five months. While I got a lot of it done, I didn’t do it all — and it’s grown.

I’m going to try to get everything in purple done today, and everything with a * done this week.

UPDATE 02/08: I’m trying to get everything in blue done today (Tuesday).

UPDATE 02/09: Today is redrum.

UPDATE 02/10: Apparently trying to divide this list into days isn’t working for me, so from now on I’m just going to tackle this list like I did the last one: a little at a time.

  • Open IRA and transfer 401(k) to it*. My new job has 401(k), also, so I really want to get this moved as soon as possible.
  • Reorganize work area*. I organized most of my work area last month, but now that I’m not working from home anymore, I want to organize it so that it can be utilized solely for writing. The way I have it organized now, everything for work is within reach, and everything for writing… not really.
  • Pay back Mike. Poor Mike. He’s been keeping my nicotine levels stable and helping me out with anything else that he can. I feel horrible that I owe him so much money from Christmas and that he’s still helping me out. At the same time, it’s a nice feeling; like he says all the time, I’d do it for him. It’s so nice to be in a relationship like that.
  • Pay Mom for January, February, and probably March car insurance. More guilt ensues.
  • Put aside money for 2010 taxes. It’s a good thing I have until April, huh?
  • Edit first draft of Sade On the Wall and add chapters for second draft*. First, an outline!
  • Pawn sword*. I have a replica of a samurai suicide sword that an old boyfriend once bought me. At the time, I wanted to collect tons of sharp, pointy objects. It’s sat tucked between a couple of pieces of furniture for the last, oh, five or so years, because I’ve had nowhere to put it. Now that I’m older, I don’t even want to collect swords, nor do I want one in the house for when future Mini Liz and Mini Mike are roaming around. (Eek!) Plus? Hi, I’m broke! I’ve already tried one pawn shop but they don’t take weapons. I’m going to (try to remember to) try another one sometime this week.
  • Upgrade processor. I want a faster laptop, and I want to play Sims 3 without it crashing, dammit!
  • Edit “In the Darkness, It Waits” for Confluenza reading*.
  • Take car to Town Fair Tire to get tires checked out for leaks*.
  • Discuss final payment*.
  • Redesign personal sites. I’d like to redesign EKB Designs, Letters of Love, and my blog, so that when I’m ready to renew my hosting, I can launch some sexy-ass sites¹.
  • File tax return*.
  • Exchange Dad’s Christmas gift*. I am so late on this. Good thing the receipt lasts until March 31st.
  • Transplant dragon tree*. My poor little plant is way too big for the pot it’s in right now.

It never ends, I guess.

What’s on your To Do list?

¹All of my websites are still live at the moment, and my plan is definitely canceled. I’m starting to wonder if one of you were sneaky and renewed it for me. I’m thinking it’s a glitch on my host’s part, though, and while I’d love to be using my sites, I’m afraid that if I start using them again, they will get wiped and I’ll lose some data. Once I get back on my feet, I’m paying for three years in advance. It’s cheaper, and that way, I won’t have to worry about it again for quite some time.

*I want to try to get all of these things done this week!