I just spent two hours inside Jo-ann’s, and walked out with nothing. I promised myself some things to start my learn-how-to-sew adventure if I stopped picking at my face for at least four days, but when I started looking at the things I’d need, I froze. I don’t really know why. I just suddenly didn’t feel motivated at all. At first I thought maybe I was just too intimidated by the idea of learning how to sew, so I decided to get some more things for embroidery instead, because I already know the basics thanks to the crafts class I took as an elective. I gathered all of the things I needed… and then started putting things back.
I spent two hours in the store, and I didn’t get a single thing. The only thing I got was a conglomerate of feelings, none of them good. I told myself, “Okay, no big deal. I’ll just start saving money for a sewing machine, and that will be my… down the road reward.” Thinking of money, though, made me feel worse because I really don’t have any extra money at all, and can’t seem to find a job, so I shouldn’t have made plans to buy anything, and definitely shouldn’t be thinking about buying something as big as a sewing machine. Then I just started feeling bad about not having a job, and beating myself up about it… and so it went.
My original plan was to get my sewing things and Barbie, then go to Barnes and Noble to sit in the Starbucks cafe to do some writing. After all of that, I didn’t feel like writing at all, so now I’m sitting in the cafe blogging and eating out my feelings in a spinach and feta stuffed pretzel and triple chocolate cookie. I also have a White Chocolate Mocha, of course. I actually don’t even want to be here — I’d rather be home playing Sims or something equally unproductive — but I needed that White Chocolate Mocha to cheer myself up.
In short, I am pathetic, and I really need to snap out of this. I’ve been feeling this… flat feeling for about a year now, and it’s getting worse. Obviously it all started when Popi… when we lost him, but now it’s just building on itself and spiraling almost out of control. I feel like I am drowning, but I don’t know what to do about it. I think if I could find a job or if SCSU would send me my acceptance letter (dammit), I’d be busy and wouldn’t have time to feel this way. Instead, the days just drag on and my life is spent sitting in the same spot on the couch every day, surfing the internet, filling out job applications, and playing Sims 2. I’m actually surprised no one has said anything to me about my lack of moving from said couch. (I do get up to pee, and go outside to smoke, and sleep in my own bed, but except for that, it’s the couch, all day, every day.) I don’t even like to leave my house. Why would I need to? I have the internet on my couch!
Something really nice happened today, though. While I was at Jo-ann’s, buried deep in the land of sewing and quilting and crafts, Mike called me from work to ask if I’d left my windows down. It started downpouring and he thought I might have left my laptop bag with my laptop in it in the car while running my errands. I didn’t, of course — because I live in Waterbury and a laptop in a car unattended is just screaming to be taken — but it made me feel all melty. We’ve been arguing a lot lately, so it just reminded me why I love him so much and to stop sweating the small shit. And, while I was about halfway through this post, he walked over from work while on his break and stopped in to say hi. Please excuse me while I turn into a little melty puddle of girl.
How do you snap out of long periods of apathetic depression? The good news is, all of this blah is giving me inspiration for Sade on the Wall. The bad news is, I can’t seem to motivate myself to write, even though I want to. (This is why I’m never going to publish anything. Sigh.) What are your tips and tricks for climbing out of this hole?
