I had a bad day yesterday. It wasn’t the whole day that was bad, though. It was more like a bad moment. I got into a big fight with my sister, over something really stupid, and it wasn’t until after that I realized what was wrong. I was (and still am) anxious about next Tuesday’s appointment with my rheumatologist, and hadn’t had a cigarette in a couple of days. I’ve been sick with a sinus infection, so I haven’t been smoking, and the night before last, I decided to try to just quit. Apparently it’s easier when you accidentally quit.
The anxiety from both was affecting my self-esteem, so I was overly sensitive to some things she said, and overly sensitive after the fight itself. I was also super angry, for no reason. I was literally seconds away from hitting her. I’ve never wanted to hit someone like that. Because I didn’t want to hit my own sister (especially over shoes that I’d tripped over), I left the house and went to the gym instead.
We were both immature, but I was not proud of myself for letting my emotions get that out of control. You probably wouldn’t have been able to tell by looking at me, but it took every atom in me to refrain from slapping her. I am not an angry person. Sometimes I’m super impatient, yes, but I’m not angry — and I’m not violent.
I realized something important: In order to be good to others, and to feel good on the inside, you have to be good to yourself. We all have some kind of demon, whether it’s depression, chronic illness, or something else. It’s important to care about ourselves and do little things… like dressing up the outside, to feel better inside! Today I woke up, took a shower, dressed, and did my makeup — even though I didn’t have any plans to go anywhere.

Feel good on the outside, and you'll feel good on the inside
Dress — Charlotte Russe, $10
V-neck tee — Forever 21, $3.80
Lace tights — Charlotte Russe, $2.99
Thigh-high socks — Charlotte Russe, $2.99
Boots — Charlotte Russe, $20
Bangles — Charlotte Russe, $4
Necklace — Target? I bought it a long time ago
Sanity — Priceless
I know I don’t look too excited in the picture, but I feel great.

I fucking love Bare Minerals.
I also used my new Bare Minerals makeup for the second time. I feel like this time I did it much better than the first. Dark circles and shiny forehead? Me? Don’t know what you’re talking about! (The eyeliner and mascara are Maybelline, I think.)
I bought a few skirts this weekend, as well. Since I don’t fit into jeans very well right now and refuse to buy another size up, I bought skirts (with stretchy bands), tights, and thigh-high socks so that I can wear them in this cold and still be warm. Just the small act of buying clothes I fit into makes me feel so good. I also bought a new bra, another size up, so now I don’t feel like I’m suffocating.
I’m still working on losing weight, yes, but now when it comes time to get dressed, I’m not seconds away from a breakdown because nothing fits. If you’re trying to lose weight, too, I found Elessa’s tips really helpful:
I especially find the tips on eating — such as imagining a line across your plate, and making your meal last twenty minutes — really helpful. I really love food, so when something is good, I will just swallow it down. I’ll have seconds and even thirds, whether I’m full or not. I also like the idea of getting a kids’ meal if you have to have fast food. We all know how much I love my Burger King cheeseburgers! And, I agree that you shouldn’t deprive yourself; if you’re having a craving, Elessa says to just have a little bit, instead of not at all and making yourself want it so bad that you overeat.
I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. I believe that every day is a fresh start. I’ve been trying to lose weight for a while. I’ll get serious for a bit, then fall back into old habits and complain about my clothes not fitting. I’m serious, this time. I’m creating new habits, and being good to myself. Anxiety can take a fucking hike.
How do you treat yourself?