My mind has been a blur lately, racing with a bunch of random things, so it’s been hard to sit down and write any semblance of sense here. Comic Vine has a featured article — I think it’s weekly, but don’t quote me on that — called “Off My Mind,” and I thought that would be a fitting type of post as there are tons of things I’d like to get off my mind. Continue reading
I don’t really know how to say this, so I’m just going to say it: I found out yesterday that Noni’s tumor grew a little. I know that “a little” isn’t anything to freak out about, but I can’t help but think, “What the fuck? The hormones were supposed to shrink it, not let it grow.” I’m trying to stay positive and not freak out, but it’s bothering me. Her doctors are going to reevaluate the hormone treatment and see if they should try something else, or if she’s going to need surgery to have it removed like they originally planned, or what. I don’t have many more details than that. I think they’re going to do some more testing on the tumor. Honestly, I kind of went into this numb zone where I didn’t hear much else beyond “tumor grew a little,” and I’m kind of afraid to ask someone because I kind of feel like an asshole for missing most of the conversation.
Because I don’t really want to think or talk about that, I guess I’ll tell you about my second least favorite subject: My latest visit with my rheumatologist!
I saw him on on the 21st, and after waiting an hour like always, finally got into an exam room. I saw one of the nurses first. She took my blood pressure, asked me about medications, then went through a whole list of questions, like, “Do you have any joint pain? Headaches? Chest pain?” etc. Some of them were relevant, but most of them weren’t. I told her about my six-day headache, and she was kind of surprised. I forgot to tell her about my switch from oral birth control to the Mirena, so when my doctor came in I made sure to tell him about both the headache and the Mirena. He didn’t seem concerned about the headache, though. (It did, by the way, finally go away on the 23rd. I haven’t had one since, knock on wood.)
We talked about my Tramadol and how I’ve been on 25mg and how it’s radically helped my joint pain, and he seemed satisfied with that. He asked me if I’d started Tai Chi or anything like that and I told him I had planned to, but lost my job so couldn’t afford it. We also talked about my UTI symptoms. After telling me I needed to get a urinalysis done that day and get blood work done in two to three months, he asked if I’d followed up with my PA-C at my regular doctor’s. I hadn’t, and hadn’t even thought about it, so he said I should follow up with her… and also with Dr. Lichter.
Dr. Lichter is a Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation specialist. He’s the one who did several nerve conduction tests on me, all of which came back fine, and then told me to get a gym membership and sent me on my way. I didn’t have a problem with him until then. I have a huge problem with doctors dismissing health problems when they can’t quickly diagnose them. He might be a fantastic doctor, but he obviously didn’t know what to do with me and didn’t think he needed to try anything else. I know I’m a mystery. I’ve had countless doctors tell me that. My blood work is wily. Honestly, if I were a doctor, I might have reason to think I was a drug addict just looking for a prescription, or at the very least, a hypochondriac. Unfortunately, before my daily dose of Tramadol, my joint pain was very real and definitely not just a twinge here and there that I freaked out over. This shit kept me up at night on many occasions that I’d rather not remember. This shit interfered with my life on many levels. If I’m a hypochondriac, I’m a really good one.
Dr. Greco wrote my PA-C’s office and Dr. Lichter’s office on the “copy to” part of the blood work order, and told me he’d see me in six months, and to follow up with Pam (PA-C) and Dr. Lichter in the meantime. I know I don’t have to see Dr. Lichter. I’d definitely rather not waste the $40 copay. Hell, I can’t even afford any of my copays right now, so I’d really rather not waste it on a doctor I don’t like and don’t want to see. I’m going to make an appointment with Pam and see what she thinks. Honestly, I’m not sure what the next step is. My symptoms are, for the most part, finally being managed. I could just walk away and be content with taking several medications — Tramadol, Miralax, a slew of vitamins — for the rest of my life. At the same time, though, I still really just want to know what the hell caused all of this. It’s kind of hard to justify more sleuthing, though, when my symptoms are being managed.
I did my urinalysis that same day, and the next day got a call from Dr. Greco’s office. I have a bladder infection, and am on Cipro. I can’t even think of how many times I’ve had bladder infection or UTI symptoms, had my urine tested, and came back with nothing. I had it so bad one time, I was screaming and crying. (I think I may have even gone to the ER, but it was a long time ago so I’m not positive.) I’m shocked that something actually showed up this time. I’ve been feeling like shit for a couple months now.
Cipro sucks. You can’t take it within so many hours of magnesium, calcium, or milk product, or with any of those things, so I am having a hard time remembering to take it. I take all of my pills in the morning after breakfast. I can’t take Cipro then because I usually have some kind of milk product; if I don’t have cereal for breakfast, I usually drink coffee with cream. It’s definitely annoying.
I’m also annoyed because I had a urinalyses when I had my annual at my gynecologist’s, and apparently the bladder infection didn’t show up. My symptoms then were worse than they are now. Speaking of my gynecologist, I missed my appointment today with her to check my Mirena. I completely forgot until I started writing this. The worst part is, their reminder machine called me yesterday, and I have it written down in my planner. I have completely lost track of my days.
Not having a job is killing me. I know I keep whining about this, but I’ve never had such a hard time finding one. At first, when I lost my job in May, I thought, Whoo, vacation! Now I am bored, a couch potato, have no life, and have no money. The bills are piling up. Most of them are medical bills, but I have to give my mom money for my car insurance next month, and then in October have to pay at least $50 toward my student loan. And if the school ever sends me my acceptance letter, I’ll need gas to get back and forth from New Haven. I’m only planning on taking one class (unless something changes drastically, like I get a work study at the school), but still.
I feel like I’ve been going through one of those really long rough patches, and I’m almost at the part where I’m going to get through it. It’s not just work related. It’s my health, family — everything. I feel like I’m on the edge, that I just have to keep swimming. It’s been a long, long rough patch, let me tell you. I cannot wait to get to the other side.
How did you get through a long rough patch?
Someone needs to hold me accountable, dammit. So no, these are not resolutions — just a giant To Do list that has been building for the last few months. If I don’t start getting these things done, do something terrible to me. Like… Something. I dunno. I’m sure you’ll think of something good.
You’d think I’d start on some of these things now, right? But no. I have college dropouts to take care of (Sims 2). I also have a Bare Minerals how-to DVD to watch. I bought the Get Started kit with some of my Christmas money and cannot wait to use it. Sandy put it on me about two years ago when we went to her friend’s wedding, and I loved it; it made my shiny spots go away. (Side note: Two years ago I didn’t know if I wanted to ever get married, yet lately Mike and I have been talking nonstop about getting married within the next few years. Life is funny.)
And you know what? I like my online persona just fine right now. I think I was just feeling indecisive about other things — my career, which I will definitely write about soon — and it carried over. I’m here to stay, for now anyway.
What’s on your To Do list?
Today I started Christmas shopping. Mike is letting me borrow a little bit of money so that I can actually buy everyone gifts. When I say I’m broke, I mean I am broke. I don’t have a single spare dollar to my name. I even have to borrow money from him so that I can pay an upcoming bill — and usually I have enough money budgeted out so that even “next month’s” bills are taken care of. I have paychecks coming in; I just don’t know when.
So, I’m broke.
Luckily, I have an awesome boyfriend who is making extra money working third shift. I’d be completely screwed without him right now. I cannot even tell you how difficult it is to swallow my pride and ask for money when, since I was sixteen, I’ve been making my own money to buy what I want (and some of what I need; my parents still feed me, and even when I was working as a teenager, still bought me food, clothes, and stuff). My mom is going to help me with medical bills and expenses, but otherwise, I’ve got nothing. I feel really bad asking Mike for anything. I mean, I know we’re a team, and I know I’d help him if he needed it — and have helped him in the past — but it still sucks. I like being independent. Hell, I guess you could say I’m kind of addicted to it, and super stubborn.
So yes, it’s been bothering me that Mike is the only one putting gas into my car, and that he’s been supporting both of our cigarette habits (though I have definitely cut way down on smoking), and that he’s buying everyone’s Christmas gifts. It bothers me that even if I had felt good enough to go out last Friday night, I still couldn’t have, because going out costs money — even at the cheapest bar in town. And yes, it bothers me that I can’t go out this coming Friday, but what am I supposed to do? There’s nothing I can do. Even if all of my clients paid their invoices and put them in the mail this week, I will not be able to get paid until the end of the month.
When that happens? I will pay Mike back. I will take him out to dinner for being so wonderful. I will go out with my friends and buy a round of drinks to say “Happy Birthday.” I will book an appointment at the spa for a motherfucking massage because I’ve been so stressed out, I fucking deserve one.
Also? The score is now: flareup 16, me 3. I am pretty sure the itchy bumps on the back of my right hand are another rash. Either that, or I got bit by a spider. (Please, please let them be spider bites.) The rash on my chin is definitely bigger. It’s not too itchy anymore, though. It’s just annoying, knowing it’s there; everyone else swears they don’t notice it, but I do.
I am not feeling very Christmasy at all.
To top it off, every time I think of shopping, I think of how there is one less person on my list this year.
Popi.
It all just keeps adding up.
For weeks — maybe closer to a few months — I wondered how I would manage without that biweekly paycheck. Relying on project completion, fast billing, and clients’ speedy pay terrified me. I don’t have that many bills — I still live with my parents — but I still have a few important ones as well as several other expenses:
I knew I would have to budget each paycheck carefully, making sure there is enough to go around and hope for some extra. It wasn’t until I read Britt’s humorous post on (not) saving money that I figured out a little system for myself.
First, I made a list of all the above expenses and what I thought each would total in the next month. For example, my September 5th student loan payment is already set, but I wanted to set money aside for next month’s payment, too, just in case. I estimated that I needed $30 worth of gas every two weeks, and that cigarettes are costing me at least $64 a month — if I keep myself at two packs a week. (We’ll see how that works out.)
You get the picture.
Then, I made an envelope for each category.
Budget envelopes
I put the budgeted amount of money in each envelope, and then tucked them away in the Post-it pocket I use for bills. My philosophy: If you treat it as a bill, you’re less likely to spend it on something else.
We’ll see though, right?
How do you manage your money? Share your tips — and flops — in the comments!
*I’m horrible at saving money. Hell, I’ve been living off of my savings account for the last month. Sigh.
