Tag Archives: bills

'Cause you'll always be my disease

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Remember how I said all of my symptoms had all but disappeared? The pattern is starting again. It’s the same pattern that’s been repeating the last few months. I don’t get a lot of pain with it, but I get a lot of intestinal issues. And the last few months, it’s been following the exact same pattern. There’s something definitely going on here; I wonder why my symptoms have changed? I traded chronic pain for occasional aching, twinges and bad stomach aches. I’ve also been noticing that, right at the beginning of this new pattern, my blood sugar will be really low for a few days; it easily drops and leaves me feeling nauseous and almost unable to bring it back up again.

This is exhausting. I’m trying to stay positive. Really, I am. But seriously, every time my symptoms start up again I feel frustrated and depressed. I went through grueling colonoscopy prep and the colonoscopy itself in the hopes that I would get some answers, and I got no answers at all. Not even a single hemorrhoid was found. I’m left sitting here thinking, “What the fuck!”

Even worse, as I write this, I feel like I have to apologize for the gritty details and the lack of sunshine around here. So many of you have stuck with me through all of this, offering your positive thoughts and suggestions and digital hugs. It means so much. You guys seriously rock.

I guess it’s time to call Pam. I think I should also start recording everything. Just journal each day. “Low blood sugar today,” or “bad stomach pains.” That way, I can bring the data in to Pam or any other doctor and say, “This has been the vicious cycle lately.”

I think I need to go to Pam, tell her what I’m thinking and what’s been going on, and see what she thinks the next step should be. She should have definitely gotten Dr. Zlotoff’s consult by now. It’s time for me to check in.

You know, as soon as I pay the bill I owe them.

The barren wallet and the happy girl

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I can’t afford cigarettes, as demonstrated by my total lack of funds this week. So it’s time to quit smoking again.

It also doesn’t help my bank account that I’ve been seeing a different doctor almost every day lately! Pretty soon my insurance company is going to send me another one of those forms. You know, the ones asking all of those questions about your health: “Do you have any heart conditions? Are you going to die? Are we going to have to dish out more money to cover your expenses, you sicky freak??”

I know I shouldn’t complain, but each specialist costs me a $30 copay. I have no idea how much the copay for my colonoscopy is going to cost. By Friday, I will have seen two specialists and my PA-C, plus the MMPI test that, surprise, they charged me for. All together, that’s $120. Agony, agony, oh agony.

I still owe Mike — thirty-two minus eight… — $24 for my Mastodon ticket, and it’s going to cost me between $30 and $40 to play softball. That’s not even counting the equipment I’m going to need: baseball socks, batting gloves, possibly a new mitt, and definitely cleats. Let’s not even talk about the student loan statement I’m waiting for; it’s probably going to show up soon, because that’s how things work for me.

My cousin Kate wants to see The Crazies and I thought maybe we’d go this coming weekend, but it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen now. Am I ever going to get out to do something besides work?

Oh, well. A lot of good things are happening — I’m so excited about softball! — so I should probably just shut my mouth and be grateful that I even feel up to playing softball. Last season? It would have never happened. But I haven’t had an attack in quite a while (though I am probably asking for it by announcing it), so I feel a lot more confident about getting out on the field and playing. I liked watching Mike, don’t get me wrong, but I hated sitting there knowing that I “couldn’t” play.

I am eliminating “couldn’t” and “can’t” from my vocabulary. If only I could eliminate the empty spot in my wallet.

I hope I get run over by a truck

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I think I’m gonna die. I feel like utter hell today. I can’t even really explain it. I just feel completely run down. My body has turned against me! Luckily this will be all over soon.

Anyway, the new Slipknot album is totally kickass. Too bad I can’t listen to it right now; my headphones have gone AWOL. I’m willing to bet my lovely little sister stole them.

All I did this afternoon, when I got out of work, was make phone calls. I made an appointment with the dentist, an appointment with my physician, an appointment with the advisor at SCSU — hopefully this one knows what they’re doing — and wrote a check to SCSU for my tuition down payment. Next week all I have are various appointments for things. I’m going to hate myself. A lot. I’m really going to hate myself when I have to pay all these bills. I still owe my physician for the last visit. I’m also trying to fix up and register/insure the Sunfire. Maybe I should get a credit card.

I want to rip someone’s head off today. Someone is just going to cross me the wrong way and I won’t be able to control this sudden crazy influx of female hormones. Maybe Mike’s right, maybe I am pregnant! ;)