Ten points if you can name the original song.
Twenty-five points if you leave a comment weirder than me. 
I'm Broke as Fuck, and Also Very Weird
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Tag Archives: broke
Digitally homesick, and other such things
I’m digitally homesick. I miss blogging at elizawhat.com. At first, I liked Diary of a Sicky as a title, but I really miss my digital home. But for the time being, this is what I’ve got¹. In case you were wondering why I haven’t been writing so much, this is why. Every time I sit down to write, I just stare at the screen. Maybe it’s writers’ block, but I’d rather blame it on digital homesickness.
Anyway, because it’s been a while and because I’m lazy, here’s what’s been going on — in bullets!
- Yesterday concluded my first week at my new job. I started on Friday the 11th, and in this short week, I’ve already accomplished a lot for them. My official title is Social Marketing and Web Design Coordinator, which is a higher position than the one I applied for. The company I work for is an Inc. 5000 company — meaning that it’s one of America’s fastest growing private companies. They’re an e-commerce company, and are online-only. I take care of their social media marketing, SEO, and will also be doing some web design. I’m getting paid salary, and I can’t even tell you how bad I want to jump up and down every time I see the number.
- I also got paid yesterday, for the previous Friday. After taxes — since I have them take out $25 extra — it was only $50, but at least there’s gas in my car and a pack of cigarettes in my purse. When I got to work yesterday, my tank was bordering on E and I was almost out of cigarettes. I also took hardly anything with me to lunch, since I had run out of Smart Ones freezer meals. I started the day crying when I started the car and saw my gas gauge was only at 1/8th. (This was actually Mike’s fault, since he went to Middlebury Thursday night and never put any more gas in. Don’t worry — he got an earful.)
- I’m not a morning person at all, but getting up at 6:40 doesn’t bother me too much (as long as I’m in bed around ten the night before). I also woke up at 9:30 this morning, after going to bed around ten last night. WEIRD.
- Here’s your sicky update: For the last few days, I’ve been having a lot of lower back pain. You know, screaming, aching lower back pain. For the last week and a half, my neck and shoulders have been stiff and sore, too. I also spend more days this week in pain all over in my joints. I’ve also been constipated on and off. Whoo-hoo.
- I’m hoping that a check from at least one of my clients will arrive within the next couple of days. We billed two others for some stuff I found while going through my notes and stuff, and are still waiting for payment from a client we billed… way over a month ago. It’s been a long time, and they keep promising it’s in the mail. It’s starting to piss me off, actually, mostly because I’m completely broke and it’s stressing me out. (Hello, stiff neck and shoulders.) My student loan payment is due on the 5th, too. I will get my first full check from my new job on the 4th, and since it’s direct deposit, I’ll be just fine to pay online, but still. I hate getting that close.
- I also hate that my car desperately needs a tuneup, oil change, new windshield wipers, and still needs its back right brake and power steering pump looked at. I’m leaking power steering fluid like crazy. I also really want to have the passenger door fixed once I get everything else fixed. It’s a good car, so I’d like to keep it and have it in good condition. I’d rather spend a couple thousand to get it fixed than spend several thousand to finance a new car. I love my Sunfire.
- Mike is looking for a full-time job so that we can start saving for our own place. Because I am a crazy person, I made a list of things we’re going to need a few weeks ago. I can’t wait to start working on it!
- Once I’ve settled in to my 8:30a-4:30p schedule, I want to start writing every night. I want to pay less attention to my blog and more attention to my stories. Ideally, I want to spend two hours at the BN cafe writing on the night that Mike works, so that I’m right nearby when it’s time to pick him up. Then, I want to renew my gym membership and get into a schedule with that. But one thing at a time!
- I’m watching NANA again. I might need a twelve-step program.
I guess that’s it. You guys already know about Brian and how much I miss Popi.
What’s going on in your world?
¹elizawhat.com and all of my other sites are still live, even though I canceled my hosting weeks ago. It must be a glitch on Host Gator’s end. I can’t wait until I can buy a new hosting package. I’ve decided that I’m going to pay three years in advance. I’ve also decided to redesign most of my sites. Wheee!
Everything is gonna be all right
I’m missing my digital home already. I haven’t been writing there because I can’t talk about anything there. I don’t know exactly who reads my blog out of my family, but I feel as if I can’t say what I want. And that’s not good; the whole point in having a blog is so that I have a place to unload what’s on my mind. I usually don’t care who reads it, but now that my Aunt Rikki has fired me, I feel like it might be awkward if anyone in my family reads my thoughts.
I also haven’t been writing because I have to cancel my hosting, and it’s honestly kind of depressing. I’ve had my own sites for a few years now, and I can’t even afford the few dollars a month for that. I was already broke before Monday, but now I don’t have a job at all, and it’s pretty terrifying.
So, what happened? Basically, I couldn’t make it to a meeting scheduled for Wednesday the 26th. I told her the week before I might not be able to make it, and when I told her Monday the 24th I couldn’t make it for sure, she told me to find a new job. It’s pretty petty. I’ve ranted about it privately on my blog twice, and ranted about it to Mike a hundred times, so it’s mostly out of my system now. What’s bothering me is that I have to find a job now. I don’t want to be a web designer anymore, so I’m looking for something in retail, but the truth is, I don’t know what I want to do as a career now. So, identity crisis.
I also don’t feel like I can talk to my mom about this at all, since my aunt is her sister; I don’t want my mom to feel like she’s in the middle of it. And yet, I’d love to talk to her and get some advice. She is the person I most want to talk to about it… and yet my pride gets in the way. I’m also pretty angry at my aunt, who is pretty controlling and manipulative. I couldn’t make it to the meeting because Mike and I are sharing a car, and he had to work around the same time as the meeting. It just wouldn’t have worked. For her to be so petty about something so small — especially when the meeting was just to discuss what the client wanted from us, as opposed to us strategizing a marketing plan — is just ridiculous. She also said that I’ve done nothing for her, which burns me the worst because I quit my steady job to help her grow her business. I also brought a whole new set of skills to the business, without which she wouldn’t have half of the clients she has now.
So yes, I’m angry. Unfortunately, the anger is subsiding into depression, because for a long time I identified myself as a web designer. I hate being a web designer, but now I don’t know how to identify myself. It’s frustrating and confusing. And on top of that… I’m still broke. I’m going to wait another couple of weeks and call her to see if either of the two clients we’ve been expecting payment from have sent checks. Other than that, I don’t want to talk to her. I have nothing to say to her.
♦
I’ve regressed a little in the past week. I haven’t watched anime* since I was about seventeen, but I’ve become hooked on Nana. I have the first manga* volume and liked it, but didn’t continue reading it because that was around the time I grew out of manga and anime. But the anime is so good. It’s a shojo anime, meaning that the main characters are women and have problems that women have. I realized last night that I was hopeless because one of the episodes made me cry, then a few episodes later I was mad enough to yell at the laptop screen (but didn’t, since it was about two in the morning).
Basically, the show is about two girls who are both named Nana, who meet while on the train going to Tokyo. They end up becoming roommates. The older Nana is trying to make it as a professional musician, and is the vocalist for an underground punk band. The younger Nana — nicknamed Hachi — is a total trainwreck; she falls in love with pretty much every man she meets, and they usually end up being total assholes. I just finished watching the first season — the second season is yet to be made, since they’re waiting until the manga series is finished — and Hachi is knocked up, doesn’t know who the father is, and yet is going to marry the asshole because he has money to take care of the kid. I’m so mad. I wish she and Nobu would get it together. I guess I’m going to have to read the manga now — you know, when I find a job.
♦
In sicky news, my GI system is having a field day (as usual). A couple of days ago, I ended up pretty sick with bad diarrhea. Last night and today, I’m slightly constipated. This is nothing new, but I still bitch about it. Usually, it happens the other way around; first I’ll be constipated, then I’ll get the opposite. Both are almost always accompanied by bad stomach aches.
♦
Mike and I are doing well, I guess. I feel guilty that he’s taking care of me right now, but even if I protest, he insists. He keeps making jokes about me being unemployed, though, which at first didn’t bother me but are now chipping away at my already fragile mental state; I think I’ve had a mini-breakdown every day since Monday night, when she fired me.
But my other aunt** is right; I shouldn’t let her words affect how I feel about myself. I’ve got to keep my head high, and keep looking at this as an opportunity for me to do anything I want. I can even go back to school if I want***. For now, my goal for this month — and probably next month**** — is to find a job with lots of hours. Mike and I want to move into our own apartment by the spring or summer. Hopefully, I’ll figure out everything else soon.
*Anime is Japanese cartoons, and manga is Japanese comics.
**My dad’s sister, my Aunt Wendy.
***If only I could stop doubting my wants.
****Please, please let me find a job before the end of February.
Why I'm canceling my hosting plan
A couple of people have asked about my hosting bill. Since it’s kind of difficult to explain over Twitter and texts, I’ll try to explain it here.
I use Host Gator, which through some trial and error I’ve found to be the most reliable web host, and their prices are awesome, too. I have the Business Plan, which lets me host multiple domains and gives me the option to have an SSL certificate, if I needed it. (Basically, an SSL lets you create a secure connection to the server, so that you, for example, could set up a store online. Since I am — was? — in the web design business, I thought it might come in handy at some point.) The Business Plan is $14.95 a month. When I set up my account, I paid six months in advance (because I prefer to have it all taken care of as far ahead of time as I can). Altogether, it came to $89.70.
On the first, I’ll be billed $89.70, for another six months. Initially, I was just waiting for payment from a couple of clients. As of last night, however, I’m now unemployed*. (Wheee! Except not.) Either way, for the last few months, I’ve been struggling to pay all of my bills: car insurance, student loan repayment, gym membership, and doctors’ appointments. Since I was doing the freelance/self-employed/contractor thingy, every paycheck was obsessively budgeted. Unfortunately, when you’re at the mercy of waiting for a client to send out a check, you can budget all you want, but you inevitably run out of money and have to wait for that next check. Or at least, I did. Every time a specific bill date rolled around, I’d start panicking because I didn’t know if the next check would arrive in time for me to deposit it and pay the bill (or bills). I’ve asked my different doctors if they could bill me so many times, it’s a miracle they didn’t ask me to just leave (considering they all have policies that copays are due at the time of visit).
Anyway. (Whoo, tangent.) Because I’ve been struggling to pay each bill, it just makes sense to let this go for now. It’s only hosting. They’re only websites. I’ve also canceled my gym membership. Again, it’s only the gym. My car insurance and student loan repayments are much more important. (Not that I drive the car; I has no money for gas.)
I did think about canceling my current hosting plan and changing it to a less expensive plan, but again, I can’t afford even the important stuff, so it’s a lot smarter to cut out the extras. (The next plan down is the Baby Plan, at $9.95 a month. I could go down further, with the Hatchling Plan at $8.95 a month, but you only get one domain with that plan.)
Simply put: I need to cut out as many extras as possible right now, until I have a steady income. (When I first wrote about shutting my sites down, I was looking for supplemental income.)
A few people have offered to help me out with this bill, which was surprising and so, so sweet of you, but even if I did pay for another month of hosting, I’d still be in the same position next month. See what I mean? I’d much rather cancel it for now, and once I have found a new job and am not hyperventilating about how I’m going to pay for anything, I can have my websites and gym membership back**.
I’ll be honest: it definitely sucked to cancel my gym membership, and it’s going to be pretty sucky to not have my digital portfolio and other sites online for a while. But I had many offers for employment while I was working that I turned down because I liked where I was, so I’m confident that I’ll find something relatively soon. (It’s a good thing I’m registered with that freelancing agency.)
In short, I’m fine. Broke, yes, but I’ve got a lot of good things going on:
- It’s nothing new, but Mike is my rock. He’s been so good to me these last twenty-four or so hours. Last night (before we got the news about Konner and before I lost my job), he took me out to my favorite pizza place to cheer me up. I had no idea he was trying to cheer me up; he just told me he wanted to try their pizza, since he’d never had it before. He is sneaky and wonderful and I’m going to marry him (in case I don’t say that enough).
- Robbie (Mike’s brother) and I are working on a mini graphic novel. He’s a very talented artist, and I’m stoked to be working with him. I’m currently writing up an outline of the storyline we came up with, and will start on the script once we’ve fine-tuned the outline.
- I have finished reading through the first draft of Sade On the Wall, and am getting ready to outline the second draft.
- I have a wonderful family and extended family.
- There’s a roof over my head and I’m far from starving.
So you see, I might be broke, but I’m actually pretty rich. I know that sounds so cheesy, but it’s true.
*I’m probably not going to be blogging about the specifics, because it was a family business and I have family who reads this, but I will say that it wasn’t my choice. Ironically, I was looking for a part-time retail job on the weekends to supplement my freelance income, so I guess now I’m looking for something full-time. Funny how that works.
**When I canceled my gym membership yesterday, I still had a job. The guy at the gym asked for my reason for canceling, and because I’m-freelance-and-broke-at-the-moment was too long of an explanation, I just told him I was unemployed. I feel like I kind of jinxed myself.
Some (slightly) bad news
Self-employment is really not working for me.
Good thing most of my sites are WordPress and the content is easily downloadable. I’ll still be reading your blogs, though, and I’ll still have Twitter and YouTube.
On the bright side, now I’ll have no excuse to not write! Blogging is one of my biggest procrastination methods distractions.
