Tag Archives: changes

Ch-ch-changes

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House sitting is fun, but even though I enjoyed having a whole house to myself, I really missed my crazy, chaotic home with my parents, sister, and cats. I came back to that craziness Sunday night. It’s been a little weird readjusting to all of the noise, but I’m glad to be back. I’m also glad to be back because I missed having (mostly) reliable internet. Yes, that’s right — I had no internet because the house I was watching decided to be evil and take away the internet. (I didn’t mention that I was house sitting for safety reasons.) I’m hoping that my aunt gets it all fixed, and that it isn’t too much trouble for her. It had me in tears at times (but then again, I was super stressed out about work, and EVERYTHING made my cry).

So anyway, it’s good to be back.

I have so much I want to tell you guys. I’m making some big changes in my life, changes that are a little scary but, in the long run, I think I am going to be much happier once they’re in effect. I’ll be announcing everything soon, as soon as I tell a few other people who should know before I tell the rest of the world.

Let’s make a guessing game out of it. Leave a comment with your guess as to what I’ve got cookin’. There are no prizes, but you’ll get bragging rights.

Hint: I’m not pregnant. (;

Learning to be less stressed

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Remember how I graduated with an A.S. in Multimedia/Web Authoring from the community college I went to? For that degree, I had to take two college-level English courses: ENG-101 and ENG-112. ENG-101 was all about essay writing. We read a lot of different sources and then wrote very complicated essays. Some of the topics were pretty deep for a freshman level class, but I loved it. I learned a lot about how to write an essay, and a lot of the things my high school teachers had taught me got thrown out. (For instance, I could use the first-person when writing a paper.)

Then came ENG-112, which focused more on literature and writing in response to that literature. I enjoyed the stories, but my assignments weren’t as tough as they’d been in ENG-101. I sucked it up and finished, and then thought I’d never have to take another English course again; even though reading and writing are my strong points, I was excited to have crossed those off my To Do list for my degree.

When I graduated and then decided to transfer to the university I’m attending, I assumed both of those English courses would transfer over. How could they not?

Except, they didn’t. At least not completely. And I couldn’t explain it to you even if I tried, because I’m still not sure I get it.

Both times I met with an advisor to register for classes (I had to drop out the first time because I couldn’t afford it), I was told that my ENG-101 transferred but the ENG-112 didn’t because, at Southern, it’s part of my Communications requirement. Which made sense, because at NVCC ENG-112 was about literature. I didn’t protest because how could a second-level college English class hurt me?

Fast forward to last night, when I sat with my eyebrows crinkled. Why is he going over the essay rubric piece by piece now when we had to read it over for homework? I tapped my pen and began to jot down ideas I had for a new thesis. Suddenly, I sat up fast in my seat. The syllabus, I need the syllabus! I opened my folder and pulled out the syllabus.

The very first line said, “Please note that ENG-112 used to be ENG-101.” Now I knew why we were going through the writing process so slowly. I sat in shocked, frozen silence for a long time. How could they do this to me? Why, instead of moving forward with my college education, was I suddenly thrown not one, but two steps back? Why would they make a transfer student take the same beginner’s class again?

I tried to focus my attention on my open notebook and the new ideas I had scribbled on it, but my mind raced. Should I go to the temporary advisor I’d met with earlier this summer? Should I talk to my professor after class and see what he thought? Should I go to the Chair of the English Department and demand that something be changed for me? I envisioned running around chasing people the same way I had chased down the Dean of Academic Affairs when trying to graduate from NVCC when an advisor had told me to take the wrong class — and that wrong class eventually almost prevented me from graduating.

Okay, I thought. I can either drive myself crazy trying to get this fixed (and it probably won’t happen anyway), or I can just suck it up and deal with it. I can ask Will if I can change my thesis for this essay, and explain to him my situation, and see if I can make this work.

And just like that, I let it all roll off of me. I didn’t think I was even capable of such a thing, but I guess I am!

PS: I have not smoked a cigarette since my birthday, when I partied a lot and smoked a little (and decided that, even drunk, I no longer like cigarettes). I miss them a little sometimes, but mainly I’ve been doing just fine without them.

Getting my shit together

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I am officially all set for school. My first class is Tuesday, September 1st. I could outline all of the crap I had to do to get everything squared away, but it’s exhausting even to me so I’ll just stick with “all set.” Heh.

I’m a little nervous, but I’m also really excited about this new path in front of me. I’m mainly nervous because it’s a bigger campus — a lot bigger — and I think I will go crazy if I get lost there ever again. (I’d like to say I won’t ever get lost again, but I will. Believe me. I will. I’ve already decided that both the university and the town of New Haven have it in for me.) I’m also a little nervous about double-majoring, but I’ve decided I’m not going to let it get to me. I am, after all, the kind of person who has to have more than one thing to focus on. I get bored way too quickly. So I have to give myself a lot of different things to stimulate myself with. This, of course, contributes to [my workaholic problem], but I’ll think about that tomorrow. (You get a cookie if you can comment and tell me where that reference is from!)

I’m excited, though, because it’s a new beginning. I have a million things that I want to do and experience, and maybe I’m jumping the gun on some of them but who cares. It’s my life, and I get to enjoy it however I want. I always wanted to be a teacher and to be a writer, and then I found and fell in love with web design. I also, of course, am married to my Letters of Love project. Who says I can’t do it all? (Maybe my mental health, but I’ll think about that tomorrow.)

Next on my agenda is finishing up my car (she still needs new struts and mounts, some stuff to install my stereo, and something is wrong with my back right brake), and then once that’s all set I want to start saving for an apartment. I keep bouncing back and forth between continuing to live with my parents in my current very crowded living situation, getting my own place, and getting a place with Mike. Some days I feel like getting a place with Mike is the best choice, and other days I feel like I should stay with my parents until I finish my Bachelor degrees. Some days I just want a place all to myself. It all depends on my mood (which has always been the case, making decision-making very difficult on my end). I still need to figure out what I want to do, but I know I can’t continue to live with as many people as I’m living with. I love my family dearly but I have no space of my own, which makes it very hard to live. I know that I should be grateful — and I am, believe me — but it’s still rough. It’s hard when I want to work or sleep, or even when I just want to be by myself. It just doesn’t work that way in my house. I try not to complain, because I know the alternative would have been a shelter or the street, but some days it’s harder to deal with than others.

At any rate, I want to get my priorities in order and start really taking care of myself. I haven’t been the happiest lately, and I want to change that. I just have to figure out how.

It’s a huge relief that school is all set, even though it kind of sucks to have loans hanging over my head. The good news is, I don’t have to pay them until after I graduate. The bad news? I have a lot of very heavy books, so I’m sure you’ll soon hear me bitching that my neck and back hurt from carrying them around!

What about you? What would you like to do to improve your life and yourself? Tell me in the comments!

I beat you to it

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I rarely use my MySpace account any more. I logged in tonight because I checked my email like a good working girl and saw that I had a tagged photo and a tagged photo comment, blah blah blah. I also had a message:

I give up

I didn’t reply to it, because it was an awfully immature message. Rather than trying to address the problem head on, you chose to send a message in an attempt to make it look like it was all my fault.

Yes, “Jude,” I stopped talking to you. Not because I am a bad person. Not because I am spiteful or immature. I stopped talking to you because, time and time again, you lied to me. You may think you treasure the friendship we had, but your actions showed otherwise. So, instead of wasting my time, energy, and peace of mind, I stopped talking to you.

We’ve been through this all before. It’s always the same: You get yourself into trouble; I try to be a good friend and help you out; you lash out at me; I withdraw and regroup; you lie to me; I walk way; you send me text messages, social media comments, and leave me voicemails pretending as if everything is okay; I start to miss you and call you back; rinse and repeat.

Not this time. I just can’t anymore. I cannot continue to exhaust myself on you. I cannot continue to give you everything and get absolutely nothing back. Under normal circumstances, I don’t mind. I think I’m a pretty damn good friend. Maybe I’m too loyal. I’ve realized that in trying to help you, I’ve only been hurting myself. And I’m not doing it anymore.

I hope to god you find a way to keep from down (Blue October, “Been Down”)

Hey, "Jude," no more

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Every time I go to write a new post, I end up writing about something I don’t want to write about, because I don’t want to write about what I actually want to write about. With me? Great.

I spent the last two weeks sort of reevaluating my life. I thought about my relationships with other people, my career, my goals, and blahblahblah (all one word, ’cause that’s how I actually say it). The only thing that I actually figured out was my current job situation. I didn’t make any decisions on the other things that are bothering me. I obviously can’t do anything about the things I can’t control, but it still sucks because waiting is not on my list of skills.

I did decide to stop letting everyone use me, and even though I do mean to stick to that, it’s hard. It was especially hard yesterday when someone who basically ditched me for the last couple of weeks suddenly called and wanted my sympathy (and possibly my help; I didn’t answer the phone).

I just can’t keep giving everything and getting nothing in return. I can’t live in a cesspool of drama and constant emergencies that I always feel obligated to help out with. The truth is, I don’t owe any of these people anything, because they never gave me anything to begin with. Sure, we had some good times (Rock Band marathons, trips to the mall for no reason, spontaneous trips to the bar, movie nights, and all that good stuff), but when it actually counted, none of these people — and by none I mean neither, ha ha ha — could give me any of their time.

So, although a part of me wants to return that phone call, I refuse to get suckered in again. I hope that both of these people end up getting their shit together, but I’m not going to stick around to find out.

I have to be a hardass about this because otherwise I’m only going to keep getting hurt.

Anyway. Now that that’s over with, we can get to the good stuff:

Chow Seal!