Tag Archives: changes

I love you, now get lost

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and a couple of other posts this week really got me going.

I’m tired of being everyone’s shoulder to cry on. I’m tired of being taken for granted. I’m tired of giving my all and getting nothing in return.

I have tried, several times during the last few weeks, to reach out to more than one friend because I needed someone to talk to or an escape. None of these people could give me the time of day, when I’ve been there for them on more than several occasions. They couldn’t be bothered when I’ve dropped everything time and again to give them a hand.

I kept holding on to the hope that these people would wake up and start treating me like a person again. I’ve been that teddy bear that a preteen drags out only when they need it and no one is looking.

No more.

I’m taking my soft, fuzzy self to the nearest Build-A-Bear shop and I’m getting my bleeding heart replaced with some balls of steel. And while I’m at it, I’m going to pick up some Watchmen action figures.

Call the papers; I'll admit I was wrong!

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I’ve been hustling like crazy trying to get a certain website’s redesign finished. I’ve also been doing some soul searching and trying to figure out what I want in life.

To cut right to the chase: I miss school. I thought I wouldn’t and that I didn’t need it. I thought I was just using it as a safety net. The truth is, I was really enjoying college. Yes, it was a total pain in the ass trying to get everything together for Southern. Yes, I got completely shafted for financial aid, and $1100 seemed like a high price for just one class. But I could have done it. I gave up way too easily.

Every time I talked to one of my friends in school, all I could think of was, “I should be there.” Every time I thought of how easily I had given up, I wanted to kick myself. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much I want this. I realized that in order to further my career, I need that BA. I don’t want to be another kid with an AA trying to make it out there. It’s not to say that it isn’t possible, but it would definitely be a lot harder. Further more, I realized that with the way the economy is right now, finding a full-time job is going to be nearly impossible. I found lots of freelance job listings but I don’t want to rely on freelance jobs to pay my bills.

In short, I am a total jackass and I admit it.

I love college and I love learning. My education is very, very important to me, and I want to at least get this BA. I will be going back either this summer or in the fall, and I will be majoring in English and minoring in Marketing; I’m starting to see that I have some marketing inclinations that can definitely be honed into killer skills.

Now if only I could figure everything else out this easily.

It's time to get crackin'

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I got busy yesterday. I got fed up with restless sleep, nightmares, pimples and gnawing at the inside of my cheeks. I realized that there will be a next time for my car to pretend to die while in Reverse. I realized that I want to get my BA bad enough to sacrifice things I’m already sacrificing (read: sleep). I realized that even though I managed to escape the slew of layoffs this week at my job, I am not going to get more hours there.

So I grew up in a matter of minutes.

I called SCSU and asked them if I would need to take a foreign language as a transfer student. I got a “yes,” and even though I’ve never been good with learning languages, luckily I have a sixteen-year-old sister who’s taken three years of Italian. She’s got my back.

I called Dr. DeLucia, my parents’ GP, and made an appointment with the nurse practitioner there (the doctor won’t be available until January). I get to go in next Friday and try to explain my chronic pain to a fifth doctor. I’m not sure if I’m going to see the neurologist yet, after the nightmare I had a few nights ago. I dreamed “the neurologist” — he didn’t have a name in the dream — performed surgery without my consent and cut off my hands. He reattached them and they were removable; I could also put these hookish things on my hands. Somehow my subconscious managed to get control of this dream — I usually can control dreams but this one really had me scared — and my dream-self sued his ass for $30,000. (When I told my mom about this dream, she told me I could have sued him for millions. Now I’m really mad!) Needless to say, I don’t think I’ll be calling the neurologist just yet.

I also went job hunting, because I decided that in order to get to SCSU — and a better car to get me there — I’m going to have to get a second part-time job. Of course, the easiest job to get right now is retail, because everyone is looking for temporary help during the holiday season (and they only want to give that temporary help a couple days a week). For me, this is perfect. Except I hate retail. I got entirely too comfortable in my safe, quiet office. Now I’m trying to get back into retail at the worst time of the year. I’ve decided if I’m going to lose my mind, I should just do it all the way.

Luckily, by the time I start working at the second job I should be done with school until January. I figure if I can work a month or so I will save enough money for another car; I’ll just dump the entire paycheck into my savings account. I’ll take Italian and an English class in the spring semester to get started, because it’ll have to come out of my own pocket without the financial aid. I may take a class or two during the summer and will definitely go back to full-time in the fall.

I also got Mike’s xmas gift, and coincidentally he got mine. I’m really intrigued now. Over the phone, he unthinkingly blurted out that he hopes it fits. Hmn.