Tag Archives: decisions

Why I’m Postponing Going Back to School (For Now)

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Have you ever been so unable to make a decision, you feel like you may have to beat yourself up?

I already know what my decision is. It’s simple: I want to write. Somehow I got it stuck in my head that I also needed to go back to school, and that I needed to go back to school immediately. There has to be a reason why I keep seesawing between ECE and English. The truth is, as much as I like kids, I don’t really want to teach them badly enough to go to school for another two years. I’d rather be writing. But it would be safer for me to have some kind of stable career while I build my writing career, so I keep pushing myself to do the ECE, which is only an A.S. Then I get caught up in how much I’d love taking literature and writing classes, and how it would help me improve my writing anyway, so I start leaning toward going for my B.A. instead, stable career be damned. Not long after that, I remember that I have no money, and to get my B.A. would mean several more giant student loans to pay off*. I remind myself that ECE is only a two-year degree, so I would be able to go with little or no out of pocket expenses.

And so it goes.

I think going back to school is just not the answer right now. I need to stop listening to the voices — whether my own or otherwise — urging me to go. I need to be honest with myself.

I want to write. So I’m just going to write. I don’t need to go to school to write.

I’m going to keep writing, and I’m going to find another part-time job, and then I’m going to write my ass off until I can call it a job, and then I’m going to keep writing my ass off until I can call it my full-time job.

At the end of the day, the person who has to be happy is me.

I still want to get my B.A. in English. Eventually. It’s just not financially possible right now. I’m lucky if I make $100 a week from my part-time job, and I haven’t made the slightest dent in repaying my student loan throughout the last year… even though I’ve never missed a payment. The interest is killing me, and the thought of piling more debt on top of that just makes me want to throw up. I know it’s “good” debt, but how can anything that stresses you out be good?!

So, I’m going to wait.

And, in the meantime, I’m going to write my ass off.

♦

*If I went to community college for ECE, chances are the Pell Grant would cover most of the expenses and I wouldn’t have to pay anything out of pocket, ever.

Hesitation

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I printed a copy of the readmission form for my community college, dug out my old student ID number, clicked open my pen… and hesitated. Is this really what I want to do? Why is it that I can’t make a commitment lately, even when it’s only for now and not forever? I guess it’s the fear that I’ll spend time and money getting a degree to learn a new skill, only to find I don’t like it when all is said and done.

The reality of the situation is, you don’t know you’ll like or dislike anything until you try it. I didn’t know I’d like the job I’m working now. I just knew I needed a job and that retail would work best for me since I didn’t want to be a web designer anymore and wanted to go back to school. I went into it hoping that I wouldn’t hate it, but I had no idea what it would be like until I actually started working. So far, I like it. I’ve been there for over a month now.

In the same sense, I won’t know that I like ECE until I start taking classes. I might not even know until I’ve done some student teaching. Hell, it might take actually working in the field for a while before I know for sure. I just know that I like children in the 0-4 age group. They’re fun, and happy, and are little sponges that soak up everything you teach them. Their little faces light up when they finally recognize colors, or when they learn how to use the Play-Doh tool properly. They’re tough, hardwired for survival* and learning, and are open to the new, which in turn makes them great teachers to us. They know how to laugh and dance and play without worrying that someone is watching or judging them. They’re proud of each and every accomplishment, no matter how small.

These tiny humans are amazing.

And I guess, when it comes down to it, if I weren’t a little nervous or scared, it would mean that it doesn’t matter to me. It does. It matters so much. Going back to school feels like a second chance to me, a fresh start. When I graduated high school, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I just knew I had a job waiting if I got a degree in web design, so I did. I don’t want a job to be my sole reason for education this time around. Obviously, one of my reasons for going back to school is employment (because that’s pretty much the sole reason anyone goes to college), but I also can’t stop thinking about teaching. I can’t stop thinking about how much fun it would be to spend my days with children aged from a few months to a few years.

It won’t be easy. I know that. I have to take at least eighteen courses, so fifty-four credits. It will take me about two years to finish the degree. The program director told me that most preschool programs will hire you as a teacher’s aid as long as you’ve already taken some courses and are working on your degree, so I can probably get a part-time job as an aid after one semester and continue working at the store part-time. It’s not going to be easy. I think that scares me a little, too. I’m kind of just scared of life lately, I’ve noticed.

But, it will also be fun. It’ll be a new experience. It’ll be a new career that will enable me to have my own health insurance** and add Mike on, when we do get married, because his job only offers full-time employees health insurance and they refuse to make him full-time. It’ll be a new career that will enable me to work with an age group I love.

I’m nervous. And a little scared. That’s why I’m hesitating, but I won’t know until I try it.

*Yes, that’s a Grey’s quote. Kind of. I can’t find the actual quote, but I know Arizona told Alex that she was in Pediatrics because children are hardwired for survival. Please correct me if I’m wrong or comment with the full quote if you know it. It’s driving me crazy that I can’t find it, and Google is — gasp — no help.

**I can stay on my mom’s health insurance plan until I’m twenty-five, so I have another two years before I have to worry about it, but in all reality, two years isn’t a long time and I want to have my own plan before then so that I’m not taken by surprise. The store I work at now has health insurance, but I don’t make enough to be able to comfortably afford it.

Call the papers; I'll admit I was wrong!

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I’ve been hustling like crazy trying to get a certain website’s redesign finished. I’ve also been doing some soul searching and trying to figure out what I want in life.

To cut right to the chase: I miss school. I thought I wouldn’t and that I didn’t need it. I thought I was just using it as a safety net. The truth is, I was really enjoying college. Yes, it was a total pain in the ass trying to get everything together for Southern. Yes, I got completely shafted for financial aid, and $1100 seemed like a high price for just one class. But I could have done it. I gave up way too easily.

Every time I talked to one of my friends in school, all I could think of was, “I should be there.” Every time I thought of how easily I had given up, I wanted to kick myself. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much I want this. I realized that in order to further my career, I need that BA. I don’t want to be another kid with an AA trying to make it out there. It’s not to say that it isn’t possible, but it would definitely be a lot harder. Further more, I realized that with the way the economy is right now, finding a full-time job is going to be nearly impossible. I found lots of freelance job listings but I don’t want to rely on freelance jobs to pay my bills.

In short, I am a total jackass and I admit it.

I love college and I love learning. My education is very, very important to me, and I want to at least get this BA. I will be going back either this summer or in the fall, and I will be majoring in English and minoring in Marketing; I’m starting to see that I have some marketing inclinations that can definitely be honed into killer skills.

Now if only I could figure everything else out this easily.

So here we go

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I decided to drop out of SCSU.

I’ve been agonizing over it these last couple of days (mainly last night and early into this morning), but I finally made a decision this afternoon. I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out.

I already know what I want to do with my life. I want to run my own web design business, and I want to write fiction. I also want to continue running my non-profit, and I want to start up something I’ve been sitting on for a while. (HA, I bet you thought I was gonna give it away! :P ) I have an AA in Digital Arts Technology: Multimedia/Web Authoring, and am currently working in my field, so I already have a foot in the door. I also have a high school diploma for Culinary Arts, so I can always fall back on that. While studying literature and writing in a school setting may be beneficial, I don’t think it’s really going to launch my career. Bottom line is, I need to pursue my dreams. I need to put all of my time into the things I love and the things I want to do. Taking classes is not going to help me finish my novel or get my business really going. I know that a BA in English couldn’t hurt, but I feel that this is not the path for me. I feel that I need to “get in the trenches” (as Gary V. would say) and get going.

I already talked to my mom about this, and she supports me. I also talked to Mike about it all — before I even made a decision — and I know that he supports me no matter what I choose. I know that some are going to look down on me and think I am making a mistake, but guess what: it’s my mistake to make. I want to get out there and experience life. I am tired of living in the box. I want to do things for myself and see how far I can go. I’m not knocking education in any way; I think that education is very important. However, there is only so much education you can get before you have to get out and live. I think I’ve been clinging to school as a safety net, and it’s time to let go of the safety nets and fall (or fly).

Anyway.

Mike and I went to see Taken last night. It was an excellent film. I was on the edge of my seat and cheered Liam Neeson’s character on the entire time. I thought it did a great job exposing human trafficking and entertaining at the same time. Some people in the theater — mainly one girl — didn’t get it at all. I thought the ending fit, but I won’t spoil it for anyone. Go see it if you haven’t already!