Tag Archives: diseased

Comeback

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NaNoWriMo — National Novel Writing Month, for those of you who have somehow missed all of my blogs and tweets and Facebook status updates regarding the matter ;) — starts in less than nine hours.

Nine hours, until I can finally start writing the book I’ve been planning for the last two months, until the idea I got over a year ago can finally take shape and grow.

I sat at McDonald’s, waiting for Sandy and my godkids Kaylene and Konner to arrive. I hadn’t seen them in a while, and I missed them so much. I sat waiting among parents with little kids running around, eating dinner, playing in the PlayLand, and suddenly realized that I was probably the only person there without a kid. It felt a little strange, not being in what I call The Mom Club, even though most of my friends have kids. I felt kind of out of place, a lone woman waiting for her group to arrive.

I started to wonder, what would it feel like for a woman to meet her child for the first time in such a situation? I thought about it until Sandy and the kids arrived, and while we ate I scribbled the idea down on a scrap piece of paper.

It sat in my ideas notebook for a long time.

After it’d sat in that notebook for about a year, I pulled it out and expanded the idea on a single sheet of paper. I did a little bit of pre-writing, then lost my steam. I paperclipped the original scrap to that sheet of paper, and it went right back into that idea notebook for another few months.

In September, I started thinking about NaNoWriMo again. The idea I’d forgotten about suddenly demanded to be written. Originally, I’d thought about just writing a short story. I had done a brief character outline of my main character, but nothing else. Now, a different character had taken shape, with a host of supporting characters to guide her through the journey I planned for her.

I spent the last two months breathing life into these characters and preparing an outline. It gave me something else to think about besides the stress of being sick and the stress of school.

Now, hours away, I am still itching to get started. The fire that started within me is still burning brightly. I actually can’t help but wonder if the events of the last couple of years of my life have all led up to this moment. It took me being really sick and going through trying to get diagnosed to get back to my first love: writing. It took me having to drop out of school because I am just too stressed out and my body is suffering because of it. You know how, in a book or movie, big events are the only things that change the main characters? It’s like that in real life, too. For me, being in pain and enduring all these weird ass symptoms — someday I will post an updated list, as they’ve progressed a lot since — was what it took to get me to come back to writing; I haven’t done much writing in over a year.

In coming back to my love, I feel like I’m finding myself again. Maybe I can’t find the pieces of me that this disease has taken away, but I am finding pieces of my old self that I can still have. I can still write. Yes, it may be painful sometimes (I can still remember writing The Cure Program during NaNoWriMo 2007 and all of the pain that brought me), but it’s worth it because it reminds me that I am still here inside of this hurting body.

So although it’s hard to be completely honest about how I feel — how truly depressed I am — I can honestly say that having Secondhand Mom to look forward to has given me purpose again. It’s not the same kind of purpose that school gave me — the doing it just to do it kind. It means more, and it makes me feel like I’m alive. I know that sounds so corny because it’s so goddamn overused, but that’s truly how I feel. As I thought about all of my characters and gave them histories and problems and brought them to life, I think I brought myself back to life. This disease has sucked an awful lot of life out of me, and I know that the people around me will agree with me when I say that.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, writing this book is giving me a reason to keep on fighting for myself. And right now, that’s the closest I can get to describing how I feel.

Blood work and bees

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This morning I had an appointment for my third B12 shot.

When I got out to my car, unlocked the door and opened it, I was greeted by two friendly bees. They were sitting on my window, just daring me to do something about it. The first thing I thought, of course, was that there might be a nest somewhere in my car. I stood watching them, willing them with my ESP to leave. They, of course, didn’t.

So I did what any self-respecting tough girl would do: called my dad and made him take care of it. One of the bees flew away, and then my dad came out and killed the other one. I figure, why get my hands dirty when my evil henchman is perfectly capable?

He then inspected the car and, finding no nest, sent me on my way. “Just, you know, if you see any more while you’re driving, don’t crash or anything. Just pull over and get out.”

Me, the sissy who squeals and hides when anything buggy and winged comes within a three foot radius of my face? Pull over? Right.

So I went to the doctor’s office, fifteen minutes late, for my third B12 shot. Pam asked if I was feeling any different and since I don’t she said I didn’t have to get another one. I figured for the hell of it I would, but she doesn’t think it’ll make a difference at this point. I told her about last Monday and how my legs hurt so bad I could barely walk, and she said she still really thinks it’s Lyme Disease. She asked if I would mind getting more blood work done. Since I have already been needled a bazillion times, I figure I am a pro at it and one more won’t kill me. I have to wait two weeks since she’s also going to check my B12 levels again and we did three B12 injections over the last three weeks. (She said that the injections would make my levels skyrocket and they wouldn’t get an accurate reading.) I’m supposed to go pick up that B12 oral vitamin prescription, but my bank account isn’t going to have any of that. I guess we’ll see what I’ve got left over after I do my tires this morning. (I’m getting new ones, an alignment, and struts and whatever else goes down there.)

Walking out of the doctor’s office I wanted to cry, and only because these appointments always leave me feeling drained and hopeless. As much as I like Pam and as hard as she is trying, it still doesn’t change the fact that I am getting nowhere. Though I do feel a little more hopeful, I’m kind of wary. Still, the fact that she added an official looking diagnosis to my blood work requisition form kind of gives me a lift: fatigue, myalgia, vitamin deficiency.

Well, I’m off to go see the new tire wizard. They’re buy three, get one free, so keep your fingers crossed that each tire isn’t like a bazillion dollars or something.

PS: I know I absolutely rock at blogging lately, because I can tell by all of the comments I’ve been getting. If I haven’t killed you with all of my boring-ness lately, maybe you could leave a comment and let me know you’re still alive. ;)