Tag Archives: drama

When girls pretend to be boys

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Back in 2004, when I was fifteen, I spent a lot of time on LiveJournal writing about my life and feelings. (I also posted entirely too many quizzes and memes, which is why I think I’m sick of them now.) I logged in daily and read my friends list — ye olde feed reader — even if I didn’t write anything. At first, the people on my friends list were people I knew and had met face-to-face, or people who I knew through those people. Slowly but surely, I started to add people I hadn’t met but shared similar interests with.

One of those people was Saul. Saul had a lot of medical issues. If I remember correctly, he had a severe heart defect. Whatever it was, Saul was always in and out of the hospital. I had only had him on my friends list for a while when I read a post on his LJ that sounded an awful lot like a suicide note. The next thing I knew, one of Saul’s friends posted a comment on my LJ to tell me that Saul had ended his life.

It hurt, mostly because it made me — someone who thought about suicide constantly — think about how suicide affects the people around you. Some time after Saul died, I became friends with his online boyfriend Mathias, who I interchangeably called Mat or Mattie. Mattie told me that he suspected Saul was actually a girl named Becky, who had pretended to be a boy and then committed “suicide” before. I was shocked. How could someone do something like that? Mattie said he couldn’t prove it, but he thought “Saul” was the same person. He also told me that there was another girl who did the same thing, a girl named Ryn.

Mat was a few years older than me, but he sort of became an online big brother. I called him “aniki,” the Russian word for brother. When I had problems with my then boyfriend, or parents, or depression, Mat was there. He was almost always on AIM, and if not, was an email away. He read all of my LJ posts and often gave me really helpful advice. We were friends online for quite a while when we started talking about being pen pals. I asked my mom for permission to exchange addresses with Mat, and when she said yes, I was ecstatic; I was going to have a pen pal in the UK!

Mat and I exchanged many letters and emails over the years. Sometimes, I felt suspicious that he was actually a she, but I kept telling myself to stop being silly. After all, Mat had been duped by Becky, and someone who had been played that way surely couldn’t be playing me. Mat started dating and then moved in with a guy named Charlie, who had a three-year-old daughter named Emily. Mattie was originally from Russia, and didn’t really get along with his parents. He was, in some ways, one of my best friends.

In September 2006, Mat suddenly stopped talking to me. His last email to me was to tell me his new address because he’d finally gone back to school, after previously dropping out. We had sent a few back and forth, and they were all friendly and like our normal emails, so I didn’t at all understand what happened. I guess I assumed he just got busy with school, and didn’t have much time to get online to talk to his “American little sister,” even though he was on AIM a lot but never responded. He didn’t answer any of my emails, and every time we were both on AIM, he ignored my IMs. I sent him the following email in September 2007:

k so, i have this feeling that you are ignoring me. and that’s fine,
although i’m not sure i understand why. but that is your decision. if you aren’t ignoring me.. well, i’ve sent you email after email, tried messaging you on aim today, and still haven’t gotten a reply. plus (and not to sound like a silly high school girl:) i
noticed either you didn’t add my new livejournal or you
unfriended it. so, i guess i really have no other conclusion to make. i was pretty worried about you, but since we were both online just a while ago and you didnt make any effort to answer me back, i guess i can just assume you are ignoring me and that we are to go our separate ways.

although i do not understand this sudden decision, i wish you all the best. we have been friends for a very long time, but i guess people just eventually have to go their separate ways. take care of yourself, aniki.

I never got a reply.

Yesterday, while I was reading through my old LiveJournals, I stumbled upon Mat’s old LJs. I hadn’t thought about him in a long time. I had long forgotten his last name, so I could never look him up on Facebook or anything, but last night while reading his LJ, I saw that his last name was Kiovich. I decided to Google his full name, just for hahas to see if I could find him.

And guess what I found? I found this. In the sixth paragraph of the very top entry, dated September 23rd, 2005, is this little gem:

Everyone I seem to know online really likes me, or rather, Mathias. No one loves ME.

I reminded myself that it was entirely possible I was reading someone else’s journal, so I kept reading. And then I found this. I very distinctly remember when that happened. I used to spell “Liz” with an “S” in those days. I started a vampire RPG and my co-moderator got Mat’s game application before I did, and she was disgustingly rude to him. I read some more and discovered that the “Mat” person is actually a she, not a he — not a gay guy just a few years older than me, but a confused girl just a few years older than me, who desperately wanted to be accepted. There was no “Charlie” or “Emily,” but a giant group of friends at her college, two parents, and a bunch of siblings. She had an ex-boyfriend named Roz. There are also several references to Becky and Ryn. I think she is Russian, but everything else “Mat” told me was a lie. I don’t even know her real name.

It makes me sad, that this girl felt like she had to make up an entirely different person to be accepted. “Mat” had his own LiveJournal that was updated almost daily. That must have been a lot of work: writing two LJs, roleplaying and chatting with me and who knows how many others on AIM, and keeping up with her school work. I realize that the Mat character existed before I met “Saul”/Becky, but I still feel kind of betrayed. “Mat” was my friend, someone I thought I knew. I think I could have been friends with this girl, based on her real LJ, but I have no idea how I would have reacted if she had confessed. I wish she had, though, because it came out anyway, years later, all because of a quick Google search. (Interestingly enough, if I Google “Mathias Kiovich” now, that LJ doesn’t come up at all, even though it did last night.)

This whole experience hasn’t ruined my trust in my other online friends, but it does make me sad. At the same time, though, it reenforces my own morals and values as a blogger; what you see of me online is exactly who I am. I haven’t made up any of it. I’ve never felt the need to. I share pieces of myself because I love the connections made in this digital world — especially the blogosphere. Even the scariest things I’ve shared have resulted in at least one great conversation or friendship.

Apparently there are many girls who pretend to be boys online. The comments in this confession are all of girls who just wanted to have fun. Most of them ended up in romantic relationships with other girls. Some of them are sexually confused. A few of them actually confessed to their online girlfriends. This woman actually met with and did sexual things with her online girlfriend. I couldn’t find anything about girls pretending to be gay guys, but I’m sure there are more; after all, there was Becky and Ryn.

I don’t hate “Mat.” I feel bad for her. I wish she had been real with me, because I think that could have been a lasting, no-pressure friendship, rather than her stressing herself out living a double life, as I imagine. I do hate that this is a common thing, and that people are emotionally scarred because of the lies they are told. Online dating has never been and never will be for me, but it is for some people, and it’s sad that you just never know what you’re really getting — even if you’re online and just trying to make friendships. This digital world can be treacherous, but there are also a lot of good, real people — and I’m very thankful for my good, real online friends.

Have you ever been friends with or dated a guy online who turned out to be a girl? Have you ever pretended to be someone you’re not?

I think the closest I’ve ever gotten to pretending to be someone else is those times when I “adopt” someone else’s personality for a little so that I can be more brave, or more social, or more whatever, in a situation. I guess, in a sense, I do kind of become someone else when I’m writing stories, but I would never purposely pretend to be someone else and deceive another person.

Why my life is better than BlogHer… except not

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The people have asked for a blog update, so who am I to deny her them?

I have officially survived my first two weeks of being full-time self-employed. The reason I have completely forgotten about abstained from updating my blog is that I’ve been leaving my laptop at my aunt’s, and during the day I don’t have enough time to write anything. I actually like this. The days go by fast, and I always feel good and productive when I leave.

There’s also a lot of drama going on, none of which I can write about, because as much as it pisses me off, it’s not my drama to tell. I would move the world for Mike, but when I can’t, it makes me crazy.

Thursday night I went to see Ramona and Beezus with my mom and sister. It was really, really, really cute. When I was in elementary school, I read most of the Beverly Cleary books about Ramona. She is one of my all-time favorite children’s book characters. I can’t wait until I have a little girl — or until my goddaughter Kaylene is old enough — so that I can read her the Ramona books. It was a nice night out with Mom and Lauren, and one of very few left, since Lauren is going away to school… on my birthday. I’m honestly really sad about my little sister leaving the nest, even if it’s not really permanent. I’ve spent the last eighteen years seeing her almost every day. She’s my best friend*.

But you can’t change anything**. You can only adapt.

It’s weird when life is half good and half crazy-in-a-bad-way. You spend all of your time alternating between grinning like the Joker and feeling ready to hire a hit man on someone, so you end up looking completely insane.

I did, however, manage to get away from it all for a few hours last night. I went to my watering hole with my cousin Kate, and we drank vodka collinses and sang karaoke until last call. Our karaoke guy called me “badass” after my last song, and this guy kept hitting on me, even though I kept reminding him that he’d met my boyfriend, and all of my friends at the bar kept talking about my boyfriend in front of him. Like Kate said, some guys never give up, even when it’s hopeless. It wouldn’t have been so annoying if the guy hadn’t inserted himself into every conversation and smoke break (even though he doesn’t smoke). Poor Mike’s little hottie is in high demand; a couple of weeks ago, a guy asked me out for coffee as I was leaving Barnes and Noble. It always amuses me when guys hit on me. I like the way I look, but I’m so used to ignoring the male species with my gaga eyes on Mike, that when I get hit on, I am always surprised.

Anyway, to make this post even longer and more ADHD, I’m going to be participating in #superbyseptember, a weight loss challenge started by Karen and brought to my attention by my friend Brooke. I just have to find a scale in my house and weigh myself, something I’m not exactly excited about doing. At this point, the cheeseburger baby now looks like I am carrying a real human baby and am somewhere in my second trimester. Since I have my mom’s side of the family’s curse — wherein all extra weight goes to our stomachs and asses — the extra twenty or so pounds I’ve gained from Seroquel and have continued to gain after quitting it from a massive intake of fast food and little to no exercise has indeed made me look like I’m now picking out clothes for a baby whom I now know the sex of. My mom is the only person who insists that I don’t look pregnant. Thank you for your dishonesty, Mom, but the mirror tells the truth, and so does everyone else who comes into contact with me and my baby bump.

Basically, I just have to weigh myself sometime this weekend — and fuck am I afraid to see; last time I weighed myself, I was 17lbs over my normal weight, which I’m sure has increased — and start getting fit. I’ve been saving money for a bike for some time now, so I think I’ll be buying it and a bike rack maybe this week. I’ll also need a scale in my house, since we don’t have one (though Noni has one downstairs). I want to stop ignoring the fact that I’ve gained so much weight and put it right in front of my face, where I can’t ignore it. A quick BMI check says that I’m just on the verge of being overweight — and that’s only using the weight I was last weighed at. I used to wonder how anyone overweight could let it happen, and now I see that it just happens. There are so many factors, that you can’t just pinpoint one thing. Seroquel is the biggest factor, but so is the fact that I stopped walking around so much and spend most of my time in front of the computer these days***.

So I am determined to lose some kind of weight this month using this challenge. Since I have a track record of losing weight unnecessarily, I’m not even sure what a healthy goal is for the month. I’m just going to stop eating fast food so much, ride my bike around some trails a few times a week, and go for a twenty minute walk every day, even if I just walk around the mall.

I know I’ve attempted to give up fast food before, and I failed horribly at it, but I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to give it up completely, though, because that’s apparently how I cave. I’m going to try to eat it only once a week, and try to make healthier choices (like Taco Bell instead of Burger King****).

I’m feeling kind of dubious about this, but I want to at least try it. If I fail, at least I tried, right?

PS: I severely need to go get my eye prescription updated. Someone please remind me to call the Walmart eye center place thingy on Monday so that I can start seeing the computer screen — and everything on the road — again.

*Yeah, Mike and Sandy and my cat count, but Lauren and I have tons of history and inside jokes that can’t be beat by some hot guy, funny girl, and pretty cat.

**Unless we’re talking underwear.

***Still, I mostly blame Seroquel, because I was pretty lazy before I started taking it and would probably still weigh around 118lbs if I hadn’t started.

****Is Taco Bell healthier? It seems healthier. I must research this.

Hey, "Jude," no more

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Every time I go to write a new post, I end up writing about something I don’t want to write about, because I don’t want to write about what I actually want to write about. With me? Great.

I spent the last two weeks sort of reevaluating my life. I thought about my relationships with other people, my career, my goals, and blahblahblah (all one word, ’cause that’s how I actually say it). The only thing that I actually figured out was my current job situation. I didn’t make any decisions on the other things that are bothering me. I obviously can’t do anything about the things I can’t control, but it still sucks because waiting is not on my list of skills.

I did decide to stop letting everyone use me, and even though I do mean to stick to that, it’s hard. It was especially hard yesterday when someone who basically ditched me for the last couple of weeks suddenly called and wanted my sympathy (and possibly my help; I didn’t answer the phone).

I just can’t keep giving everything and getting nothing in return. I can’t live in a cesspool of drama and constant emergencies that I always feel obligated to help out with. The truth is, I don’t owe any of these people anything, because they never gave me anything to begin with. Sure, we had some good times (Rock Band marathons, trips to the mall for no reason, spontaneous trips to the bar, movie nights, and all that good stuff), but when it actually counted, none of these people — and by none I mean neither, ha ha ha — could give me any of their time.

So, although a part of me wants to return that phone call, I refuse to get suckered in again. I hope that both of these people end up getting their shit together, but I’m not going to stick around to find out.

I have to be a hardass about this because otherwise I’m only going to keep getting hurt.

Anyway. Now that that’s over with, we can get to the good stuff:

Chow Seal!

The weekend of champions!

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What’ll it be: the requisite Valentine’s Day post, a review of the Friday the 13th remake, a review of the pilot episode of Dollhouse, or more drama than is healthy for anyone?

Michael and I stopped bickering long enough to go see the Friday the 13th remake on, well, Friday the 13th. Instead of being mean to each other, we strolled around the mall arm in arm (he even bought me clothes)! Instead of picking at each other over every stupid little thing, we watched people get slaughtered and listened to fifteen-year-old gangstas yell out stupid things at regular intervals. I didn’t want to see it at first (Mike can tell you all about our debate on remakes and sequels), but eventually my curiosity won. Besides, it was Friday the 13th! (And I figured I should be a good girlfriend and go see the damn movie with my boyfriend.)

Of course, nothing is ever perfect. We sat in the truck letting it warm up when the movie was over. The parking lot was nearly empty and it was kind of creepy. Mike chainsmoked his way through our post-movie banter. All of a sudden, I got a sharp, stabbing pain in my left shoulder — much like what happened after my cousin’s birthday party two months ago. This time, the pain was on the backside of my shoulder and the backside of my upper arm. Just like last time, it brought me to tears and hysterics. I sat there screaming like a two-year-old while Mike tried to figure out what the hell was wrong with me.

Just like last time, it was over relatively quickly. The weirdest part, though, was that it happened exactly two months after the first time.

Valentine’s Day was pretty low-key, luckily. Mike came over for cake for Lauren’s birthday, and fried dough for dinner. We went to Walmart for a few things and then went to his house. On top of the three shirts he bought me (see above), there’s also a mystery present he got on eBay that is en route to his house as I type this. I gave him his card, which apparently was not gay (I wrote him a long, sappy letter inside; everything I usually do like that is “gay,” according to him). We watched random TV and cuddled and stuff, and then he dropped me off. Naturally I forgot my Walmart bags in his truck, but I got them the next morning after I took him out to breakfast at our favorite diner.

Breakfast was nice but he had to go to work after, so we didn’t get to linger or hang out afterward (which was probably a good thing; I didn’t want to push our luck and have us start bickering again). I went to a birthday party for Kaylene, my goddaughter, where there was all kinds of drama that I don’t have any ambition to write about.

Last night I watched the pilot episode of Dollhouse, since I couldn’t watch it Friday night when it aired. It was an awesome episode, and I hope it’s just the beginning of how awesome this series is going to be. It seems that Joss Whedon’s writing has gotten even better, which I didn’t think possible. It was really cool to see him do something so different, and of course it’s even better to see him working with Eliza Dushku and Amy Ackers again. I can’t wait until next Friday.

All in all, it was a pretty good weekend. It could have been worse, right?