Tag Archives: education

Hesitation

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I printed a copy of the readmission form for my community college, dug out my old student ID number, clicked open my pen… and hesitated. Is this really what I want to do? Why is it that I can’t make a commitment lately, even when it’s only for now and not forever? I guess it’s the fear that I’ll spend time and money getting a degree to learn a new skill, only to find I don’t like it when all is said and done.

The reality of the situation is, you don’t know you’ll like or dislike anything until you try it. I didn’t know I’d like the job I’m working now. I just knew I needed a job and that retail would work best for me since I didn’t want to be a web designer anymore and wanted to go back to school. I went into it hoping that I wouldn’t hate it, but I had no idea what it would be like until I actually started working. So far, I like it. I’ve been there for over a month now.

In the same sense, I won’t know that I like ECE until I start taking classes. I might not even know until I’ve done some student teaching. Hell, it might take actually working in the field for a while before I know for sure. I just know that I like children in the 0-4 age group. They’re fun, and happy, and are little sponges that soak up everything you teach them. Their little faces light up when they finally recognize colors, or when they learn how to use the Play-Doh tool properly. They’re tough, hardwired for survival* and learning, and are open to the new, which in turn makes them great teachers to us. They know how to laugh and dance and play without worrying that someone is watching or judging them. They’re proud of each and every accomplishment, no matter how small.

These tiny humans are amazing.

And I guess, when it comes down to it, if I weren’t a little nervous or scared, it would mean that it doesn’t matter to me. It does. It matters so much. Going back to school feels like a second chance to me, a fresh start. When I graduated high school, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I just knew I had a job waiting if I got a degree in web design, so I did. I don’t want a job to be my sole reason for education this time around. Obviously, one of my reasons for going back to school is employment (because that’s pretty much the sole reason anyone goes to college), but I also can’t stop thinking about teaching. I can’t stop thinking about how much fun it would be to spend my days with children aged from a few months to a few years.

It won’t be easy. I know that. I have to take at least eighteen courses, so fifty-four credits. It will take me about two years to finish the degree. The program director told me that most preschool programs will hire you as a teacher’s aid as long as you’ve already taken some courses and are working on your degree, so I can probably get a part-time job as an aid after one semester and continue working at the store part-time. It’s not going to be easy. I think that scares me a little, too. I’m kind of just scared of life lately, I’ve noticed.

But, it will also be fun. It’ll be a new experience. It’ll be a new career that will enable me to have my own health insurance** and add Mike on, when we do get married, because his job only offers full-time employees health insurance and they refuse to make him full-time. It’ll be a new career that will enable me to work with an age group I love.

I’m nervous. And a little scared. That’s why I’m hesitating, but I won’t know until I try it.

*Yes, that’s a Grey’s quote. Kind of. I can’t find the actual quote, but I know Arizona told Alex that she was in Pediatrics because children are hardwired for survival. Please correct me if I’m wrong or comment with the full quote if you know it. It’s driving me crazy that I can’t find it, and Google is — gasp — no help.

**I can stay on my mom’s health insurance plan until I’m twenty-five, so I have another two years before I have to worry about it, but in all reality, two years isn’t a long time and I want to have my own plan before then so that I’m not taken by surprise. The store I work at now has health insurance, but I don’t make enough to be able to comfortably afford it.

I'm thinking about…

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I keep thinking about the education field¹. The idea of getting up at the ass crack of dawn to go to work doesn’t thrill me, but I love, love, love the idea of working with kids. I also love the idea of making a difference.

Recently, I found out that my city’s community college is offering an Applied Behavior Analysis certificate program. The certificate opens a lot of doors in the psychology and education fields; you can apply it toward a Behavior Analyst Board Certification — which is available to those with Bachelors and Masters degrees — and can also apply it to Associates or Bachelors degree programs. I’m interested in it because, with the certificate and an Associates, you can get a job at a school as a paraprofessional (special needs student aid). (Since I already have an A.S., all I need is the ABA certificate.)

I’m starting to realize that I really want to work in education. I have doubts about it, but I think it’s stemming from the fact that I dropped out after half a semester; I think I’m afraid of failing again. Of course, at the moment I can’t afford to pursue my Bachelors, since I’m still paying off my student loans from that half semester. Sigh. However, this certificate program only requires four core courses and an internship, which means that by the time I’m done with this certificate, I’ll probably have paid off my student loan. I can get a job as an aid, and start on my Bachelors degree in Elementary Education (again), but part-time this time.

I think in the long run I want to be a reading specialist¹ — you know, the person who takes the kids who are having trouble with reading one-on-one during the day and helps them strengthen their skills. This requires a Masters degree, which is ironic because I never even wanted to get a Bachelors².

I know I said that I didn’t know what I wanted to do with myself now and that I felt lost, but I can’t stop thinking about being a teacher. Of course, I have plenty of time to think about it some more; I want to be positive that I want to do this, so that I can commit to it fully, so that I won’t run away scared if it’s too hard or if I get hit with a flareup. I was also — at the time — committed to helping my aunt, and wasn’t sure how I should go about things. Although my friend Tammy just told me about a job opening at her company for a marketing manager³, I think I’d rather find a retail job, since it would be more flexible while I’m getting the ABA certificate. However, the program director at NVCC told me that all of the courses will be offered in the evening to accommodate teachers and parents, so I could still take the job. I’m fairly certain that if I applied for it, I’d get it. (My self-esteem has gone back up in the last couple of days; I’ve been working really, really hard at building myself back up. If I wrote about this a couple of days ago, I’d be a lot less optimistic.)

I guess I really want to be sure about everything and have a solid plan set in my mind before I make a move. I’m going to think about that job opening, and I’m also going to think about the ABA certificate. Part of me wonders if I’m being too heavily influenced by what’s going on around me: my mom is back in school for her Masters, my sister is in her second semester at a four-year university, and Mike’s little brother is supposed to have an aid with him at all times but doesn’t, and is suffering for it. I also had a conversation on Christmas Day with Mike’s sister Britt’s boyfriend Tyson’s mom, Debbie. (What a long description! Maybe I should just start calling his family my in-laws, since we’re definitely getting married at some point anyway. I always thought that was silly if you’re not married yet, but I’m starting to think it’s a good idea if you know you will be.) Debbie is a special needs advocate, and has been working in the field for thirty years, I think she said. We were talking to Tracy (Mike’s mom) about Tony and how his PPT* was coming up. Debbie was giving Tracy some advice about Tony’s IEP*. Eventually Debbie and I got to talking about how I’d been going to school for Elementary Education, and how I still do this day think of all the kids — especially the ones who were struggling. Debbie said that she thought I was the type of person who needs to make a difference with my career.

It got me thinking about being a reading specialist. For one, I love reading. I also love working with kids, and I can’t stand the fact that there are so many kids who don’t get the help they need and deserve. I also thought long and hard about what Debbie said, and it’s true. Sure, I was helping businesses get their names out there when I was a web designer and social media marketing consultant, but I wasn’t making much of a difference. It’s true that I am the type of person who feels the need to reach out to others. I get that from my mom.

However, I’m very, very afraid of feeling like I’ve failed at anything right now. I was already afraid of failure before I lost my job. I am going to think about it some more — like I said, I’ve got until the summer — but I did really want to share these things with you guys.

¹I’ve wanted to write about my plans so, so many times, but the fear of changing my mind kept me from doing it. I wanted to be sure before I started talking about it.

²Hell, I didn’t even want to go to college period, because I hated high school and had no idea what I wanted to do.

³My main responsibilities would be marketing the company through social media, which happens to be my specialty. :D It’s also a full-time position, with vacation and a couple of other good benefits.

*PPT (planning and placement team) is a meeting where the parent(s), teachers, and other people involved in the child’s education get together to discuss the child’s IEP — individualized education plan. An IEP usually contains goals for the child that the team tries to accomplish by the end of the year, such as: “Improve child’s speech,” “improve child’s mobility with physical therapy,” “improve child’s reading level,” etc. (See? I learned a lot in that half semester at SCSU. I really, really enjoyed it. I was just so overwhelmed… I wish I’d stuck with it.)

Why everyone should study another religion

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The topic of religion has been bouncing around in my head for the last, oh, two months. I hate labels — especially since many of them carry negative connotation — but I would be considered an atheist, because I don’t believe in a higher power. However, I guess you could also call me a religious voyeur, because I like to learn about different religions. I believe that none of us really know the absolute truth — at least not until we die.

I’ve said before that not knowing what happens when we die makes me feel really uncomfortable if I think about it for too long. I try not to think about it, and try to live my life according to a couple of rules:

  1. Be happy — this might be the only life I get, so I’m not wasting time with anything that doesn’t make me happy,
  2. Take care of the people I love, and
  3. Reach out to other people, because we are all people and should all care about each other (unless someone is a complete douche; then I could give a shit less).

Not believing in any god or following any religion is my personal choice, just like it’s my personal choice to live by the above rules. It’s also my personal choice to educate myself on different religions that interest me, because love or hate the concept of religion, it has and still does play a big part in our society — on an international basis. A brief study of western civilization shows the different roles religion has played, and how it has impacted people*. However, it’s not religion itself that causes people to act; it’s the individual who chooses their actions. Your religion may say, “Give to the less fortunate,” but it’s still a choice. Your nation’s leader may say, “We’re going to take over this country in the name of our religion,” but it’s still that person’s choice, and your choice to follow or walk away.

Religion doesn’t make people bomb abortion clinics or hurtle planes into buildings or donate blood (or not). It’s all in how people interpret their religion, and it all depends on their morals. Someone who tells a pregnant woman that her baby will be cursed because she and the baby’s father aren’t yet married may be using their religion as an excuse, but it all boils down to that person’s own beliefs. We always have a choice of what to say or do, and cannot hide behind our faith (or lack thereof).

Religion itself is not evil because of individuals’ actions, nor are whole religious groups. Religion can be a beautiful and educational concept, if only to learn more about our world’s history. Studies recently showed that atheists tend to know more about various religions than the people who practice them do. That’s not to say that atheists are smarter or better people. It does, however, say that I’m not the only faithless person who has pursued religious study, whether on purpose or not**. I don’t think I’m better, but I do feel proud of having the knowledge that I do have. Knowing that others study multiple religions gives me hope that more people will become educated and will have a valid argument before opening up their mouths and accusing Wiccans of being lamb sacrificing devil worshipers and Muslims of being kamikaze-crazy terrorists. A basic knowledge of either of these religions will tell you that both of their foundations are the exact opposite. Both respect humans and animals, and life in general.

I strongly urge anyone — anyone, of any background, faith, whatever — to study at least two different religions. Just like you would inform yourself of your favorite NFL teams current stats before entering an argument about whether or not you lost this week’s game, you should also inform yourself of other religions before entering an argument about what that religion is or isn’t.

*I honestly didn’t think religion was important until I looked at religion and history together. I was then able to put it into perspective. For example, did you know that Muhammad reformed Arabia’s treatment of women as a result of teaching people about Islam? Women in Arabia were given higher status than women anywhere else in the world at the time — and I didn’t know this until reading The Muslim Next Door. (Thank you, Faiqa!) The teachings of the Qu’ran enabled people to think of men and women as equals, when they had never even thought of it before.

**I didn’t choose to go to Sunday School at my mom’s Protestant church, nor did I choose to go to a Catholic elementary school. I did, however, study several Pagan religions on my own, and continued learning about Islam after my 8th grade teacher gave us a series of lessons on it. I have also studied religions that formed at the time when civilization formed throughout my formal education, and further studied Christianity in college while taking Western Civilization I.

So here we go

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I decided to drop out of SCSU.

I’ve been agonizing over it these last couple of days (mainly last night and early into this morning), but I finally made a decision this afternoon. I know it sounds crazy, but hear me out.

I already know what I want to do with my life. I want to run my own web design business, and I want to write fiction. I also want to continue running my non-profit, and I want to start up something I’ve been sitting on for a while. (HA, I bet you thought I was gonna give it away! :P ) I have an AA in Digital Arts Technology: Multimedia/Web Authoring, and am currently working in my field, so I already have a foot in the door. I also have a high school diploma for Culinary Arts, so I can always fall back on that. While studying literature and writing in a school setting may be beneficial, I don’t think it’s really going to launch my career. Bottom line is, I need to pursue my dreams. I need to put all of my time into the things I love and the things I want to do. Taking classes is not going to help me finish my novel or get my business really going. I know that a BA in English couldn’t hurt, but I feel that this is not the path for me. I feel that I need to “get in the trenches” (as Gary V. would say) and get going.

I already talked to my mom about this, and she supports me. I also talked to Mike about it all — before I even made a decision — and I know that he supports me no matter what I choose. I know that some are going to look down on me and think I am making a mistake, but guess what: it’s my mistake to make. I want to get out there and experience life. I am tired of living in the box. I want to do things for myself and see how far I can go. I’m not knocking education in any way; I think that education is very important. However, there is only so much education you can get before you have to get out and live. I think I’ve been clinging to school as a safety net, and it’s time to let go of the safety nets and fall (or fly).

Anyway.

Mike and I went to see Taken last night. It was an excellent film. I was on the edge of my seat and cheered Liam Neeson’s character on the entire time. I thought it did a great job exposing human trafficking and entertaining at the same time. Some people in the theater — mainly one girl — didn’t get it at all. I thought the ending fit, but I won’t spoil it for anyone. Go see it if you haven’t already!

My problems are overweight

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Lately it’s been one thing after another for me. Just when things start to look up, just when I start to figure a way out, something else crashes down on me. I guess it could be worse, but right now it doesn’t seem like it possibly could be.

On top of trying to figure out how I am going to afford and get to SCSU next semester, having more and more car troubles, seeing (and hearing!) less and less of Mike as he works 10-15 hours during third shift, dealing with my health problems, and dealing with my living arrangements, I’ve received a letter stating that I can’t graduate until I complete the math requirements for my degree.

At first, I scoffed at it. “It’s got to be a mistake,” I told myself; I’d taken both of the required classes that I’d been told by my advisor to take. I called the Associate Registrar who is in charge of the graduation applications and left her a voicemail, under the assumption that the records office had made a mistake.

Wrong.

Apparently I have been misled by my advisor, because the second math course I took is not college-level; it doesn’t count toward my degree. The Associate Registrar called me back and explained this to me as I stood with my mouth hanging open. I told her that my advisor had told me it was the right course, and she said that he was mistaken and that I would have to take the right course before I could graduate.

I ranted and raved to Tyla, who suggested I check to see if any math courses were being offered during the winter special session. No luck.

I talked to Mom, who suggested I try to get in touch with someone at the college and see if they could help me. I’ve emailed the head of the Arts and Humanities Department, so hopefully she can help me or point me in the right direction.

I don’t feel that it’s fair for me to wait a whole other semester because of someone else’s mistake. I can’t attend both colleges at the same time, so I would literally have to wait until Fall 2009 to start at SCSU. I’d also have to wait on advancing my career because I still won’t have the A.A. I mean, if I’d known that the second math course I took was not the right course, I wouldn’t have wasted my time and money on it. I really struggle with math, and those two semesters were utter hell. I still have no idea how I managed to pass them. To think that I didn’t even have to take the second course, and might have to take yet a third is daunting. I already put in six credit hours towards math.

At this point, I’m so desperate that I’m willing to bother every big-wig at my college until someone makes this go away. I was so determined and had finally figured out how I would get to SCSU in the spring, and now this. I’m starting to wonder if I’m meant to graduate. :P