So, what's next?

The question isn’t, “What should I do for the rest of my life?” It’s, “What should I do next?” Neither are easy to answer. Even though I hated my job, I’m still going through some weird, mid-life crisis kind of depression. I’ve known for a long time that I don’t want “web designer” to be my job description anymore. The thing is, I can’t seem to figure out what’s next. I know nothing is forever, that we are in control of our lives and can change our paths at any time, but I don’t know what I want to commit to right now. I think what’s happened is, being a web designer was like a security blanket; I’ve built the last five years on being a web designer, and now that I know I don’t want to be a web designer anymore, I feel like I’ve lost myself. I’ve completely frozen.

While I’m happy to be rid of that horrible job, I can’t seem to make a decision. I can’t seem to move forward. I’ve been spending my days doing laundry, doing dishes, writing articles for Freaking Bookworm, watching episode after episode of Grey’s Anatomy, and playing Plants VS Zombies. While my goal for Freaking Bookworm is to make some kind of income, I have yet to bring in any income from my book review blog. (Hell, my Amazon store has only just gotten four clicks… and I set it up a couple of months ago.) Don’t get me wrong. I’m having a lot of fun writing over there, but it’s not a job. Not yet, anyway. Right now, I need a job. I’m twenty-two years old. I have a student loan to pay off. I also don’t want to live with my parents for too much longer. (Mike and I really, really miss the privilege of privacy.)

I keep thinking about going back to school. The problem is, every time I think about going back to school, it’s something different. Last time I actually went back to school, I went for Elementary Education and Creative Writing. I ended up so stressed out and sick — as in, a horrible pain flareup — that I dropped out. The next time I started thinking about school again, I thought about just majoring in Creative Writing. When things started going badly with my aunt, I thought about just going for Early Childhood Education. After that, I thought about getting my ABA and becoming an aid for students with special needs. And, most recently, I’ve been thinking about getting my Bachelor’s in Journalism (probably because of the Millennium trilogy). On October 23rd, 2009, I promised myself that I would learn to not overload myself, that I wouldn’t jump into anything again without really thinking about it first. And yet, I seem to keep trying to jump into things. I restrain myself, yes, but I keep trying.

Almost two years later, I still don’t know why I’m sick. I know that stress makes my flareups and symptoms during “remissions” much, much worse. I know that I have to go easy on myself. Even though I fought hard to keep my (horrible) full-time job, I have to admit that working eight hours a day, five days a week was taking its toll on me. And that was a desk job. I wasn’t even doing physical labor! You could say that, okay, it was mental labor, but still. It should not have tired me out so badly that I went home almost every day and either laid in bed or stared at my laptop screen until it was time to pick Mike up from work. Even ignoring all of the bullshit in that job, it was still taking a toll on my health. I hate admitting it, and I certainly wasn’t going to admit it to them, but now I have to admit it. I have to admit it because I want to move forward, and in order to move forward, I have to be completely honest with myself.

So, no, going to school full-time and working part- or full-time is not at all an option — even if I did know that I really, really wanted to go to school for something. If I did know what I wanted, I’d have to work part-time and go to school part-time.

Unfortunately, I don’t know.

Another option I’ve been thinking about is getting a part-time job and spending the other part of my time writing novels and stories (as in, finishing Sade on the Wall and getting an agent for it), and writing for Freaking Bookworm. That kind of life really appeals to me. It’s incredibly, incredibly appealing.

The only problem with that plan is… I’d really, really like for Mike and me to have our own place. He moved in last August. We’d planned on moving out sometime around now. Maybe, if I work really hard, I could make a part-time job, my writing, and my book blog equal the income I would need for us to have our own place.

I could very, very easily get another job as a web designer, where I’d make at least the same amount of money I was making at my previous job. I just don’t want to.

So, I just don’t know.

It’s times like these that I miss being a kid and having a grownup tell me what to do. Now would be a really good time for the grownups to step in.

Oh, look, we're going down THIS path again!

Confession: I’ve kind of been thinking about going back to school for a while. I’ve been thinking that, if I went back to NVCC — the community college I got my A.S. at — and got a degree in ECE (Early Childhood Education), it wouldn’t take long at all because I’ve already taken all of the regular required classes.

Confession: Things are really not working out working with my aunt. We keep butting heads over projects. She frequently treats me as if I’m not a real web designer, as if I’m some kid interning. She went on vacation for an entire month, leaving me broke. Even if one of the checks we’re owed came in while she’s away, I have no access to it. I don’t even really like web design anymore — at least, not as a career. It’s time for a change. I want to be a writer, but I’m broke now, and need to support myself while I build up that career.

BUT.

There are a lot of cons to going back to school:

  • I’d be back in school again. I’d have to juggle work with school. I’d have a heavy plate — though not as heavy as if I were working on a Bachelor’s like when I was going to Southern.
  • Being a preschool teacher would mean getting up really fucking early. I dealt with it when I was doing my field placement at Southern, but… I dunno. I guess I could suck it up if I wanted it bad enough, but… do I want it bad enough?
  • I’m still paying off about $3,700 in student loans. You know, for the entire half of a semester I went to Southern. It’s insane. I have no idea if I could get the Pell Grant again (free money to go to school), or if I’d have to add to my loan.

I don’t know. I just know that I need to do something different, and that I can’t stand the thought of working a retail job again. I want as stable a career as possible while I work on my writing career, something that I’ll enjoy.

I don’t know. I wish I did know.

I do know that:

  • I want a stable career while working toward my writing career.
  • I’m really sick of the businesswoman world. I am not a businesswoman.
  • I’ve lost interest in web design as a career.
  • I’m broke, and want a stable career that will help me build a life with Mike.
  • I love kids, and I love teaching them.
  • I keep thinking about ECE.
  • Getting a job in the education field is really not hard; teachers are always in demand.
  • Working with my aunt is not really working anymore.

I really need to make up my mind. I mean, it wouldn’t kill me to at least try it, would it?

I wish I could make a decision.

Do I even want to go back to school?

I’m not sure.

I love Southern. I loved being a part of it. The campus is beautiful, and the Student Lounge (complete with Starbucks coffee) is my favorite place. I loved sitting at a table or on a couch in there, reading, doing homework, writing, or just relaxing for a few minutes before moving on. I loved walking around the campus and enjoyed its beauty during each season: warm and open in the summer, colorful and vibrant in the fall. (I haven’t seen it during the winter or spring yet, though I did see it at the end of winter.)

I loved having a major, and used that major as my sole purpose. “I’m an Elementary Education and English major,” I would proudly tell people. I had never even been sure exactly what that meant. Really, it was more of a challenge for me. Yes, I love kids, and I loved working with them during my field placement, but I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to be a teacher. The doubt just kept creeping in.

Not only that, but I also couldn’t seem to fit in. I have always had a hard time making and keeping friends. I like to think that I’m a great friend, that I am a fun person to be around. Still, I can’t seem to fit in. The closest I have ever gotten to fitting in was my Creative Writing class in my last semester of community college. Those people understood me, and we meshed perfectly together. I also fit in perfectly with Mike, and usually fit in with both of our families (though there are some times when I doubt even that). It’s a hard thing for me to admit, but there it is.

Girls who I thought liked me at Southern turned out to just be using me as a stepping stone. I fell so far in love with the idea of having a friend there that I tried to overlook the bullshit, but in the end it came down to the brutal realization that I was two months in and still hadn’t formed any kind of real friendships. I admitted to myself that I did not fit in with any of the other people in my program. Some of them were nice, but quite a few of them were smug and treated me like I was stupid. (I suspect this is because I don’t have a background in child education; I got my A.S. in Multimedia/Web Authoring, while they got their Associate’s in Early Childhood Education.) I tried not to let it bother me, but it did. I tried to just ignore it and do what I had to do, but it got awfully exhausting floating from one class to the next, passing by everyone else like a ghost.

In my English class, however, I fit in much better. There were a few English majors and a few other people pretty similar to my personality type. I had fun.

So last night, while talking to a friend I hadn’t seen since high school, I said that I thought I might start over again in the spring. I said that I thought I might just go for Creative Writing, like I had originally planned. As I lay in bed last night, I thought about it a little more. I would have to take ENG-112 once again. I would have to go through the whole registration process all over again. And will I still be dealing with the same health problems in spring? Will I have them under control through diagnosis and medication, or will they be worse, still undiagnosed?

If I were to not go back this spring, I would have to call my student loans bank and arrange to start paying off my loans. If I did go back, I wouldn’t have to pay them off until after I graduate.

What it all comes down to is, I’m not sure. Usually if I’m not sure about something, I just don’t do it (or buy it, or eat it). I don’t like to agonize over making the decision, and yet I do.

In the meantime, I’m really enjoying writing this book right now and I can see myself getting that B.A. in English for Creative Writing. I would enjoy it. It would be hard, but it wouldn’t be agonizing like Elementary Education was. (I didn’t want it bad enough to put up with the stress.)

Mike urges me to find out what’s wrong with me first, but of course my spontaneous ass wants to jump right back into it. I guess right now I just need to RELAX and focus on what is in front of me: appointments with the rheumatologist, writing a book, building websites, and figuring out how to afford presents for everyone this season.

Today I'm gonna fly

This last week has just totally depleted my energy. Even though at times I faced many difficulties, I’d have to say this week probably defined how the rest of the semester will go.

Last Friday I started my field placement for my EDU-200 (Principles of Education) class. (It will also help for my SED-225 [Introduction to Exceptional Individuals] course, since I have to observe for one hour an inclusive classroom and write a paper about the teacher[s] working in that classroom.) I fell instantly and irrevocably in love with the students in that classroom. This Friday only strengthened that love, and strengthened my passion for becoming a teacher. I bought a Praxis PPST preparation book this afternoon and am fully prepared and committed to obtaining my certification. How could I not, after spending two amazing days with around twenty amazing young individuals? These kids rock — there is no other way to put it.

During this week I also spent a lot of time trying to better understand the content in my MAT-105 (Mathematics for Elementary Education I) class, because I barely passed our first test with a 65 and spent the last week really struggling with the material (mainly Base Five and Base Two, which are these fancy number systems designed to make mean spirited wannabe teachers remember how hard it was when they grill a little kid during multiplication and division lessons). I spent a night totally depressed, because I was convinced that I could not be a teacher if I didn’t get this. I kept telling myself, You can’t be a teacher if you don’t even know how to do long division. Once I snapped out of it and really tried to get a handle on it, I started doing much better. (It also helped to have a brief recap of how elementary students do long division and determine the remainder; I was literally combining the remainder technique with decimals because it’s been that long. I blame the calculator.)

I spent several days in excruciating pain, and still am struggling. It does not help that I can’t take my medication for it because Tramadol gets me so fucked up that I cannot function normally on it. I had a great day at the school today — again, those kids are freaking awesome — but the constant twinges and the tension pain in my shoulders and neck that results from the last few days of pain made it very difficult. I still can’t take anything tonight because I have class early tomorrow morning. At the very latest, I can take it tomorrow after I go shopping for Mike (tomorrow’s his birthday)!

I am sticking with my decision to participate in NaNoWriMo this year, although I am not sure how I am going to study for Praxis and do that much writing. However, I miss writing so much that I can’t help myself. The characters of my NaNo novel have become so real to me, and I can’t ignore them even if I tried. I honestly think this is going to be the best thing I’ve written yet, as long as I can be disciplined enough to do it (and as long as my body permits me to do it).

As crazy as everything has been, today made it all worth it. I’m just taking it all one step at a time, doing the best that I can. Hopefully I’ll have this same attitude during midterms! :D

Now to look forward to being on vacation this week, because I finally put in for my vacation at work. I’m hoping that I can go to the spa and get a massage during the week, since I still have that gift certificate my uncle gave me for my birthday. But seriously, getting to sleep in and do whatever I want for a whole week with only school as a responsibility? Sounds just fine to me.

Welcome back to elementary

This morning I went back to elementary school. I couldn’t get my hair to cooperate because of the heatwave, and my shirt kept slipping and showing my bra strap (which never happens with that particular shirt, so I blame the bra). I convinced myself that I would not get lost and, directions in hand, jumped on the highway on my trek to the town my school is in.

I found the school with little trouble, found a parking space right away, and for a moment looked at the building I was about to enter. All one level, from the outside it just looked like one long, skinny building. It looked nothing like the elementary school I had gone to, but I hadn’t expected it to. I went inside and found the main office right away. Everything stood out at me in bright, friendly colors. I felt a little out of place but not unwelcome; the school practically jumped up and down saying, “Hi Elizabeth!”

I stepped into the main office shyly, feeling all eyes on me. “Hello,” said the secretary.

“Hi,” I said. “My name’s Elizabeth Barone. I’m here to see Mr. Johnson*.”

“He’s in a meeting,” she said. “Is he expecting you?”

“Yes. I’m from Southern.” I looked at the two secretaries anxiously. Had I just drove down here for nothing?

“Your last name?” The second secretary asked.

Just then, a relatively young guy in a nice dark suit came into the room. “Mr. Johnson’s in a meeting,” he told me. “He let me know she was coming,” he told the secretaries. “Hi,” he said to me. “I’m Mr. Valdez*.”

He led me to a comfortable conference room and we sat down. We briefly talked about my program at Southern and my EDU-200 course, my grade preference, and my preference for an inclusive classroom (classroom with general education kids and special needs kids, integrated). I told him I didn’t have a grade preference, but that I definitely needed an inclusive classroom for my SED-225 class.

“I have a classroom for you,” he said, his brown eyes lighting up. I liked him instantly. He was warm, friendly, and I could tell that he just loved his job. “It’s first grade,” he said.

I nodded vigorously. I had purposely not picked a certain grade because, honestly, I’m not yet sure which grade I’d like to teach. I’m kind of leaning toward fourth or fifth, but I think the lower grades would be fun too. (Maybe I could just teach a different grade every year, and that’ll solve my indecisiveness!)

“It’s Mrs. Harkins’s class, and it’s an inclusive class. A few of the kids go out to the resource room.” He handed me back my paperwork. “C’mon, I’ll give you a tour.”

He led me around the school, bringing me into all of their inclusive classrooms and introducing me to the teachers. Everyone greeted me warmly, all genuinely happy to see me. The kids looked up at me with bright, curious eyes. I smiled back at them. (One of them made a face at me at one point. Heh.)

We watched a sixth grade classroom working on decimals and fractions with Skittles. Mr. Valdez knelt down by one student’s desk and helped him with his problem. I started to panic a little, as I’m horrible with decimals and fractions, and if he asked me to help another student, I would be screwed. Fortunately for me, Mr. Valdez worked with the boy for a few minutes until he got it, and then stood up. We left the classroom, and I breathed a sigh of relief.

“I always had such a hard time with fractions and decimals,” I said casually as we walked down the hall. “I’m trying to figure out how to explain it to my students.”

“Sometimes, the best teachers are the ones who had trouble because they understand what it’s like to struggle.”

I nodded. “Exactly.”

We came to the gym, where a class was lined up to leave. A line of girls were taking turns at the water fountain, and a line of boys waited for their turn at the gym doors.

“We’re having trouble with Ian*,” one of the teachers said. “He won’t come with us and he almost ran out.”

Mr. Valdez straightened his shoulders and nodded. “I’ll go talk to him.” He signaled for me to wait, and disappeared into the gym.

I stood, watching the girls take turns and then line up by the next set of doors.

“Quickly, quickly,” said their other teacher. “Boys, stay right here. Your eyes are on me.” Some of the kids took their time, while some of them lined up right away. She began counting to five for each kid at the water fountain, sort of turning it into a game. As the boys lined up, some of them dillydallying, she called out, “Boys, I’m not happy.”

Whatever Ian had done had upset the entire order of the class, and now she had to regain control. I listened to her tone of voice, paid attention to what she said. Miraculously, order was restored.

Mr. Valdez came out, holding a little boy wearing very baggy clothes by the hand. The boy’s left ear was pierced with a thin golden hoop, and he stood quietly next to the assistant principal.

“Ian, you want a drink? C’mon, buddy,” he said, leading Ian to the water fountain. The two lines of students began to stroll down the hall, their teacher in the rear. “Okay, that’s enough. Go get in line.” Ian continued to drink. “Ian, they’re leaving you. That’s enough.” Ian drank a little more, than turned from the water fountain. He started to run toward his classmates, stopped, and then started to go down the hall. Mr. Valdez blocked him, caught him gently by the cloth of his baggy shoulder, then led him toward his classmates.

We stopped in another classroom, a resource room, and then came back to my classroom — Mrs. Harkins’s first grade. Mrs. Harkins was absent, and in her place was a substitute teacher. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d seen a guy as a substitute. I gave him a lot of credit.

Mr. Valdez introduced me to the kids, who all said hello. I waved and said hi back.

“Ms. Barone is going to help Mrs. Harkins sometimes,” Mr. Valdez said. “You guys are the best first grade class. They even won a reward,” he told me. They all smiled proudly. “Who can tell Ms. Barone what your reward is?”

Most of their hands shot up. Mr. Valdez looked at me. “I can pick?” I asked. He nodded. My eyes fell on a little girl with big brown eyes. I picked her.

“A party,” she said quietly.

“A party!” I tossed up my hands. “Wow!”

A few kids called out. “An ice cream party,” said one. “And five minutes of recess,” another added.

“Now, you know Mrs. Harkins doesn’t like you guys calling out,” Mr. Valdez reminded them. “What else did you win?” Another kid raised their hand. “Yes?”

“Five minutes of recess,” he said.

“An extra five minutes of recess,” Mr. Valdez said.

“Oh, wow,” I said, hoping I hadn’t caused too much trouble.

A few minutes later, we left the classroom. A couple of adults and a little boy came up to us. Ian was in trouble again. I followed Mr. Valdez to Ian’s classroom, where he took the little boy out of the room. I followed them, watching Mr. Valdez lead Ian to the main office. Ian walked with a cocky swagger — too cocky for a six-year-old. I watched the way his baggy clothes fell around his little frame, and I felt sorry for him. Here was a kid whose parents probably paid him little attention and maybe spoiled him a little too.

“Ian, you’ve gotta get your behavior together. We can’t be doing this every day,” Mr. Valdez said. We entered the main office, and he sat Ian down in a chair in a small adjoining room. “Now, you’re going to sit right here in this chair until I come get you. You understand me?”

“Yes,” little Ian said.

Mr. Valdez came back out into the main office conference room. We talked briefly about the kids’ music, art, and gym classes, and then my schedule. I said goodbye to him and the secretaries, and then went out to the parking lot, feeling buoyant. I had a good feeling about my school.


*Names have been changed for privacy