Tag Archives: elizawhat.com

I Need to Stop Digitally Hoarding if I'm Going to be a Writer

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I realized this last night as I flipped through the pages and pages of usernames and passwords for different online accounts that I have. I can guarantee that I don’t even use half of them, and another 40% of them I probably only use once in a great while, especially if I need to procrastinate something. Still, I can hardly bear to get rid of these accounts. A perfect example is the Facebook account I deactivated. I know how to fully delete it thanks to Matt, but can’t bring myself to do it. What if I do want to use it again? I ask myself. Then the facebook.com/elizawhat username might be taken and that’s my name. It’s MINE. I didn’t really even use the thing, and yet I can’t convince myself that it’s okay to delete it forever. The same goes for my old @elizawhat, @freakingbookwrm, and @lettersoflove Twitter accounts, and a bunch of other accounts. Those names are MINE, dammit. What if I want them later and someone has taken them?!

I’m a digital hoarder.

I’d really like to simplify my digital life. I’ve been wanting to for a while, but while I knew it was the right decision, I still had a really hard time letting go. I try hard to be honest here and to be honest with myself, so here’s the truth: I have many websites and different social accounts. I almost always create them on a whim, and then I feel guilty for ignoring them, so I feel obligated to keep them, but only end up using them occasionally. A perfect example is Letters of Love. Don’t get me wrong. I’m very, very proud of that site. The thing is, I created it during a time when I really needed it, and I don’t need it anymore. Because I don’t need it anymore, I don’t have the passion I once had to keep it going. At the same time, though, I can’t bear to let someone else take it over because it’s mine. It’s my baby. Call me possessive, I don’t care. I just can’t let go, and I can’t bear to leave it sitting there collecting digital dust.

I also started Freaking Bookworm, and then fell way off the book review bandwagon. The thing is, I feel too obligated; I feel like I have to review every single book and comic that I read, so then I feel overwhelmed and just don’t review or write anything there. Plus, once I found Goodreads I started to wonder what the hell was the point in doing both. I argue with myself in my head all the time: “Goodreads is just a social network. One day it could disappear. Freaking Bookworm is my site and won’t disappear unless I want it to.” “Yes, but why update both? It’s a pain in the ass to review the same book twice, and repetitive as hell. How can I possibly write two different reviews about the same book without repeating myself?!”

I have a different problem with this blog. I enjoy writing here. I don’t ever feel obligated. However, instead of writing stories like I should be doing, I end up writing posts here. Instead of doing the dishes or cleaning or something else productive, I write draft upon draft that I will probably never actually publish. I regularly have to clean out my drafts because they’re either no longer relevant, half finished, or just too much information to post publicly. I know that I need to let go of this blog and focus more on my fiction writing, but dammit, it’s hard. It’s hard because it’s a security blanket, but it’s also hard because I know there are a lot of you who like this little space and I hate to let you down.

Still, I need to simplify. I don’t want my digital life to resemble the homes we see on Hoarders. I’m sick of leaving half finished projects behind me. I’m disgusted with myself for wasting so much time online when I should really be honing my writing skills; I say all the time that I want to be a writer, but instead of using that time to actually write and improve, I sit online. (I should say, though, that this morning I wrote a story before doing anything else, other than checking my bank account’s balance and a few other quick, important things. I’m damn proud of myself.)

I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet. I mean, I have a pretty good idea, but I’m still thinking about it. Mostly, I’m thinking about the execution. Basically, I want to embark on an adventure next year. (Because holy shit, in a couple of months it will be next year.) I’ve seen another writer, Deanna Knippling, do it and she’s learning a lot and getting a lot out of it. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, pretty much since she first started posting about her experiences with independent epublishing. My first thought was, Damn this is cool. I wish I could do it. A few weeks ago I thought, Maybe I could actually do it. Since last night I’ve been thinking, I want to try it.

Since my writers’ group started in September, I’ve been trying — well, okay, I haven’t been trying too hard because I’ve been blogging here instead — to write one short story a week, that way I’d have something new every week for my writers’ group. So far, I’ve written two, and that’s counting today’s story. I’ve had a lot of writers’ block, but it’s getting better finally. I’m also gearing up to do NaNoWriMo this year in November. Coincidentally, elizawhat.com is up for renewal in November. Now, granted, I’m pretty good about sticking to the writing during NaNoWriMo. The rest of the year, you can forget it. I don’t want to be like that anymore. I want to be disciplined, dammit. I’ll be completely honest with you: I’m thinking about not renewing this blog. I’m also thinking about cutting down on all of my online accounts, quite severely. At the top of the list are Tumblr and Formspring. I’m keeping my @elizabethbarone Twitter, but the other ones are probably going, too. I’m also going to make myself permanently delete my Facebook.

I need to do this. It’s hard to think about it, and it’s going to be hard to do it, but I need to. I’ve known this for a long time.

I just hope you won’t be too mad at me, or too disappointed. I’d really like to give you a new short story every month. I have a ton that need to be edited so that they won’t suck when you read them, but I’d also like to write a new one every week, for real.

Now, I’m still thinking about all of this, but I’ve slept on it and still feel the same. Usually, when I need to make a decision, I sleep on it because I rarely feel the same the next day. As hard a time I have making decisions, I also tend to go completely the other way at times and make rash decisions. Today I still feel like this needs to be done.

However, if I do delete this blog, there will be a new one. You’ll just have to wait and see it. It’s going to be awesome. And there will definitely still be Liz’s Anatomy. The rest I’m not so sure about.

Letting go and moving forward

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Sometimes, in order to move forward, we have to leave things behind. It’s never easy to leave these things behind, but by doing so, we become lighter so that we can hold more of what is just ahead.

That’s how I interpret the adage, “When one door closes, another opens.”

I’m sure you can guess where this is going.

I have been blogging personally for about ten years. Maybe more, but I feel old if I think about it too hard. I started off in Diaryland or My Own Journal or something like that, moved to LiveJournal, and then found WordPress and have been using it ever since. I’ve always written about my life and what I was going through in a physical, paper journal, but I found blogging to be more rewarding. I made a lot of friends while sharing my life, and met a lot of people going through similar things. It was comforting, knowing that there was always someone out there listening.

I used to look at my blog as a security blanket. I couldn’t go a day without writing in it. More and more, though, I’m finding myself going days without even thinking about it, and when I do finally think about my blog, I realize I have nothing I feel the need to write about. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time — even before I mentioned anything — and I’ve decided that it’s time to move on.

Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against personal blogging. I’ve just come to a point in my life where I have no use for having my own personal blog. I want to focus on the adventure ahead of me: going back to school for my B.A. in English so that I can read and write for a living. I want to spend my time reading and writing, and not worrying about updating my personal blog or Twitter account so that people don’t think I’ve fallen off of the planet. I want to spend more time nurturing Freaking Bookworm, because I’ve finally found my “niche” in the blogosphere.

I want to shed the things I no longer need or use so that I can make room for the things ahead. I want to simplify, instead of collecting.

I’ve felt lighter ever since I made this decision.

I’m not just shedding my blog, though. I’m cutting down on all of the domains I own. I’m not using more than half of them, so I’m letting them just expire. I’m letting go of my @elizawhat account on Twitter and just using @freakingbookwrm. I’m looking for someone to take over Letters of Love. I’m getting rid of all nine-hundred of my email addresses, and just using liz@freakingbookworm.com. I’m considering deleting my Facebook, too.

I feel so good about all of this, even though it does make me a little sad. There is so much ahead, though, that I don’t feel empty the way I would have if I’d made this decision a few months ago.

I’ve already set up my new email address, but I don’t have a definite date yet for when I’m killing everything else. You all know where to find me, though, and of course, I know where to find you.

Honey, I'm home!

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I woke up this morning and noticed little green buds on the tree outside of our bathroom window. I knew spring was here just from the spring rains we’ve been having, but seeing those tiny little capsules of life gives me hope.

Things have been pretty bleak lately up in my mental space. I cry almost every night because I miss Popi, but I force that pain to remain silent. It got so bad that I started withdrawing, pushing everyone away. I wanted to be alone, even though I felt so lonely.

Depression is such a paradox like that.

Being in my head these last few days hurt in a way that I can’t even describe, like having the most painful open wound, only on my heart. When I finally told Mike how I felt, though, the wound closed a little. I feel a lot more healed than I have in months.

Being trapped in this body and mind is exhausting. My body is, as usual, being crazy. I often feel like there’s no escape. The rashes on my hands come and go, I wake up every morning stiff and sore, my GI system changes its mind every day, I’m constantly thirsty no matter how much I drink, and the amount of mucus in my sinuses makes me nauseous every day. I have not been a fun person, mentally or on the outside, to others.

I saw my rheumatologist on Thursday, and got the results from the blood work I had done back in January. Everything came back negative. The only thing that showed up was that my blood sugar was a little high, which is strange because I’m hypoglycemic, and my blood sugar was crashing when I got the blood work done because I’m stupid and hadn’t eaten yet. It doesn’t make any sense. I talked to Dr. Kelly — my rheumatologist’s office is run by a husband and wife; this time I saw Dr. Greco’s wife — about my current concerns, and she also looked at the joints in my arms and hands. She said that the joints in my right knuckles were all swollen, so she gave me some samples of Celebrex — an anti-inflammatory — to try. She also ordered more blood work, thinking that my IBS-like symptoms could be caused by Celiac. Interestingly, the symptoms of Celiac are pretty close to mine, although I don’t notice any onset of symptoms after eating anything with gluten.

So, as usual… PLEASE LET THIS BE CELIAC! I want a diagnosis so badly, I don’t even care what it is at this point. I am so tired of going to the doctor and getting more blood work done. I feel like every time I take a step closer to finding out what is going on with my body, I end up taking two steps back. This month marks four years since my body started going crazy. I have spent four years trying to get an answer. It might not seem like a long time to some people, but it feels like an eternity to me.

I started Celebrex this morning. Dr. Kelly told me that it could irritate my stomach and make my GI issues worse, and that it could also cause swelling in my feet, so if it does bother me in any way, I am to stop it immediately. I’m also to get the blood work done a week after being on Celebrex, to check my kidneys because Celebrex can cause kidney problems, although it’s pretty rare.

How many drugs have I tried now? I’ve lost count. I asked her if Celebrex would make me feel weird, and she said it won’t, because it’s only an anti-inflammatory, and is non-steroidal. Good thing, because we all know how I react to meds. Sigh.

Other than being at war with my brain and body, things are all right. I’ve been at my new job for a month now. It’s moving slowly, and sometimes I’m really not sure where I fit in, but I think I will start to get into a rhythm soon. Hopefully. It’s frustrating at times, because I feel like they don’t listen to me, but let’s face it: I’m new and I’m relatively young. My age has never worked in my odds, but usually, with my old clients, as soon as I opened my mouth, they realized I knew what I was talking about. I have to keep reminding myself that there is a lesson in this new job somewhere; there is a reason why I’m working there and not somewhere else. I need to keep an open mind and try to be extra patient with the situation, rather than letting it either crack me up or make me want to crack a wall with my head.

And, of course, I have hosting again. It might sound silly, but I could hug this domain. This really is my digital home. I could not write comfortably at Diary of a Sicky. (However, I really liked the name, so I “migrated” it over here.) I’ve been setting things up again little by little. Right now, Freaking Bookworm is the only site that is completely all set. I have big plans for that little site. I’ve written up a marketing/business plan for it and will be posting it on the site soon. My goal with Freaking Bookworm has always been to talk about the books and comics I read with other people, but I’m taking it a step further. Just you wait and see! It’s going to be awesome!

I’m waiting impatiently for Tuesday, the day that a musician I’ve been following for close to ten years releases her first single. I was listening to Alaina Beaton back when she was Porcelain and the Tramps. Tuesday she’s releasing her first single, “This is What Rock and Roll Sounds Like,” under a huge record label Red One — the same label that Lady Gaga is on — under the name Porcelain Black. Her old music is fucking awesome. She describes it as if Britney Spears and Marilyn Manson “fucked and had a kid,” but since I don’t like Britney, it’s more like… I dunno. It’s awesome. My only concern is that her new single is featuring Lil Wayne. If you heard her stuff back when she was PATT, this would be a huge shock to you. It’s very strange, never mind the fact that I can’t stand Lil Wayne.

See? Totally not hip hop. But maybe I will be pleasantly surprised. I can’t imagine how this could end well — for my musical taste, anyway — but I’ve loved her music for so long that I am clinging to the hope that she hasn’t changed. Clinging, I tell you. Oh well. I guess I’ll have to wait until Tuesday. Don’t worry, though; I’ll definitely be writing about it.

(As an aside, I really hate that YouTube changed their embed code to iframes. Since I use self-hosted WordPress, I have to paste the embed code in HTML view, and if I go into Visual view, the video disappears. This isn’t so much a problem for me as it is for people who don’t use HTML. WordPress.com blogs let you paste the video URL between brackets — for example:

– in Visual and you’re golden. Anyone know of a plugin that does that for self-hosted WP?)

I’m so glad to be home.

See you later, stress (much later, hopefully)

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I finally got paid for the projects I was waiting to receive payment for on Wednesday. It felt amazing to deposit that check into my bank account. It also felt amazing to put gas in my car and buy myself a pack of cigarettes. Since I get my first full check from work this coming Friday, I also got myself a few treats: two books and a pound of Starbucks Caffe Verona. I was thinking about going to get tattoos #3 and #4 today, but Mike has work for 3:15 — what a random time — and will have the car. Also, while I know exactly what I want for one of them, I’m still researching and thinking about the other. I’d rather get them both at the same time.

One of the treats was going out for karaoke — on my own tab. The few times I have gone were only because a friend offered to buy my drinks. I am stubborn and hate feeling like a mooch. I had a great time last night with Mike, Sandy, Sean, Mary, and Greg at Hojo’s. I took Sandy out to dinner before we met everyone at the bar, too. It was nice to have some time alone, and it felt good to be able to treat her. (Although, she cornered me into letting her buy me a new pair of jeans. I have to admit, it feels nice to have a pair of jeans that isn’t too tight.)

On Friday I’ll be able to pay for three years of hosting. I cannot wait to move back into elizawhat.com. I’ll also be able to pay back Mike, and pay my mom for my January, February, and March car insurance. This weekend I’m going to send out my March payment now for my student loan, and pick up some gifts for a few birthdays I missed.

I’m so relieved now that I can stand on my own two feet again.

I’m also relieved because my aunt and I have gone back to the relationship we had before. We had dinner together on Wednesday, just like old times. It’s nice to just be aunt and niece again, with that best friend and mother-daughter kind of relationship, instead of us both highly stressed out and butting heads.

On March 10th I have an appointment with Dr. Greco (my rheumatologist). I have some notes for him but nothing really new. I’ve been trying to keep track of my GI system’s shit — no pun intended — to see if there’s a pattern, because I’m obsessive like that, and want some answers for all of my symptoms, dammit. I’ve also been keeping track of my pain and other symptoms.

Work is going well. I’m starting to learn some of their office politics — all businesses have them; I could tell you some stories from my freelance days — and although it’s been a little frustrating, I’m working through it. Mainly, it’s that I’ve come into a position that opened up because they were very, very unhappy with the last person, so they’re extremely cautious with me. While it’s not fair to me, it’s understandable. I know that I rock at my profession, though, so I only have to work at their pace and try my best to soothe their concerns.

I’m working on some stuff for Freaking Bookworm. I’d like to do a monthly book club, and each month do a live podcast that everyone can listen in on and call into to talk about the book. The site I’m probably going to use, TalkShoe, also has live chat during the show, for those who can’t or don’t want to call in. If you’re interested, let me know. I already have the first book in mind; I’m just trying to get together some sort of format. (You know, other than me babbling.) I’d like to have some specific discussion topics, you know?

I’m also looking into monetizing Freaking Bookworm in some way. I’ve tried Google ads and the Barnes and Noble affiliate program, but I know all too well that ads are just white noise to people. (I mean, shit, I ignore them, so why should anyone else pay attention to them?) I’m looking into the Amazon affiliate program, so that I can sell the books I’m reviewing in a little store and receive a commission on the ones I sell. I think it’d be hot shit to literally make money off of reading books so that I can buy more books. It’s the next best thing to making a living off of writing books. ♥

My only real complaint right now is that my allergies are kicking up again, but since that means spring is on the way, I can’t really complain. I’ll just live on Simply Saline and Claritin-D.

That’s really the gist of my life right now — which is a relief. There’s no stress, now that I’m on my feet again. My biggest problem at the moment is figuring out which movie Mike and I should see tonight, if he’s not too tired after work. I’m looking forward to having a date night, but we’re most definitely going out for breakfast tomorrow, so even if we don’t go out tonight, it’s all good. I’m hoping that in the morning we can start putting together a plan for getting our own place. I was thinking about all of the things we’re going to need this morning, and it’s kind of overwhelming. Like, can we really save enough to get the necessities, some extras, and afford the rent, all by the summer?

Still, now that I have a regular paycheck and am not so fucking stressed out, it all seems possible. It doesn’t seem like just a silly dream.

We can really have a life together.

So. That’s how I’m doing. How are you?

Meet my six-month-old To Do list

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A little over a month ago, I posted a list of things I’d been trying to get done for five months. While I got a lot of it done, I didn’t do it all — and it’s grown.

I’m going to try to get everything in purple done today, and everything with a * done this week.

UPDATE 02/08: I’m trying to get everything in blue done today (Tuesday).

UPDATE 02/09: Today is redrum.

UPDATE 02/10: Apparently trying to divide this list into days isn’t working for me, so from now on I’m just going to tackle this list like I did the last one: a little at a time.

  • Open IRA and transfer 401(k) to it*. My new job has 401(k), also, so I really want to get this moved as soon as possible.
  • Reorganize work area*. I organized most of my work area last month, but now that I’m not working from home anymore, I want to organize it so that it can be utilized solely for writing. The way I have it organized now, everything for work is within reach, and everything for writing… not really.
  • Pay back Mike. Poor Mike. He’s been keeping my nicotine levels stable and helping me out with anything else that he can. I feel horrible that I owe him so much money from Christmas and that he’s still helping me out. At the same time, it’s a nice feeling; like he says all the time, I’d do it for him. It’s so nice to be in a relationship like that.
  • Pay Mom for January, February, and probably March car insurance. More guilt ensues.
  • Put aside money for 2010 taxes. It’s a good thing I have until April, huh?
  • Edit first draft of Sade On the Wall and add chapters for second draft*. First, an outline!
  • Pawn sword*. I have a replica of a samurai suicide sword that an old boyfriend once bought me. At the time, I wanted to collect tons of sharp, pointy objects. It’s sat tucked between a couple of pieces of furniture for the last, oh, five or so years, because I’ve had nowhere to put it. Now that I’m older, I don’t even want to collect swords, nor do I want one in the house for when future Mini Liz and Mini Mike are roaming around. (Eek!) Plus? Hi, I’m broke! I’ve already tried one pawn shop but they don’t take weapons. I’m going to (try to remember to) try another one sometime this week.
  • Upgrade processor. I want a faster laptop, and I want to play Sims 3 without it crashing, dammit!
  • Edit “In the Darkness, It Waits” for Confluenza reading*.
  • Take car to Town Fair Tire to get tires checked out for leaks*.
  • Discuss final payment*.
  • Redesign personal sites. I’d like to redesign EKB Designs, Letters of Love, and my blog, so that when I’m ready to renew my hosting, I can launch some sexy-ass sites¹.
  • File tax return*.
  • Exchange Dad’s Christmas gift*. I am so late on this. Good thing the receipt lasts until March 31st.
  • Transplant dragon tree*. My poor little plant is way too big for the pot it’s in right now.

It never ends, I guess.

What’s on your To Do list?

¹All of my websites are still live at the moment, and my plan is definitely canceled. I’m starting to wonder if one of you were sneaky and renewed it for me. I’m thinking it’s a glitch on my host’s part, though, and while I’d love to be using my sites, I’m afraid that if I start using them again, they will get wiped and I’ll lose some data. Once I get back on my feet, I’m paying for three years in advance. It’s cheaper, and that way, I won’t have to worry about it again for quite some time.

*I want to try to get all of these things done this week!