I’m missing my digital home already. I haven’t been writing there because I can’t talk about anything there. I don’t know exactly who reads my blog out of my family, but I feel as if I can’t say what I want. And that’s not good; the whole point in having a blog is so that I have a place to unload what’s on my mind. I usually don’t care who reads it, but now that my Aunt Rikki has fired me, I feel like it might be awkward if anyone in my family reads my thoughts.

I also haven’t been writing because I have to cancel my hosting, and it’s honestly kind of depressing. I’ve had my own sites for a few years now, and I can’t even afford the few dollars a month for that. I was already broke before Monday, but now I don’t have a job at all, and it’s pretty terrifying.

So, what happened? Basically, I couldn’t make it to a meeting scheduled for Wednesday the 26th. I told her the week before I might not be able to make it, and when I told her Monday the 24th I couldn’t make it for sure, she told me to find a new job. It’s pretty petty. I’ve ranted about it privately on my blog twice, and ranted about it to Mike a hundred times, so it’s mostly out of my system now. What’s bothering me is that I have to find a job now. I don’t want to be a web designer anymore, so I’m looking for something in retail, but the truth is, I don’t know what I want to do as a career now. So, identity crisis.

I also don’t feel like I can talk to my mom about this at all, since my aunt is her sister; I don’t want my mom to feel like she’s in the middle of it. And yet, I’d love to talk to her and get some advice. She is the person I most want to talk to about it… and yet my pride gets in the way. I’m also pretty angry at my aunt, who is pretty controlling and manipulative. I couldn’t make it to the meeting because Mike and I are sharing a car, and he had to work around the same time as the meeting. It just wouldn’t have worked. For her to be so petty about something so small — especially when the meeting was just to discuss what the client wanted from us, as opposed to us strategizing a marketing plan — is just ridiculous. She also said that I’ve done nothing for her, which burns me the worst because I quit my steady job to help her grow her business. I also brought a whole new set of skills to the business, without which she wouldn’t have half of the clients she has now.

So yes, I’m angry. Unfortunately, the anger is subsiding into depression, because for a long time I identified myself as a web designer. I hate being a web designer, but now I don’t know how to identify myself. It’s frustrating and confusing. And on top of that… I’m still broke. I’m going to wait another couple of weeks and call her to see if either of the two clients we’ve been expecting payment from have sent checks. Other than that, I don’t want to talk to her. I have nothing to say to her.

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I’ve regressed a little in the past week. I haven’t watched anime* since I was about seventeen, but I’ve become hooked on Nana. I have the first manga* volume and liked it, but didn’t continue reading it because that was around the time I grew out of manga and anime. But the anime is so good. It’s a shojo anime, meaning that the main characters are women and have problems that women have. I realized last night that I was hopeless because one of the episodes made me cry, then a few episodes later I was mad enough to yell at the laptop screen (but didn’t, since it was about two in the morning).

Basically, the show is about two girls who are both named Nana, who meet while on the train going to Tokyo. They end up becoming roommates. The older Nana is trying to make it as a professional musician, and is the vocalist for an underground punk band. The younger Nana — nicknamed Hachi — is a total trainwreck; she falls in love with pretty much every man she meets, and they usually end up being total assholes. I just finished watching the first season — the second season is yet to be made, since they’re waiting until the manga series is finished — and Hachi is knocked up, doesn’t know who the father is, and yet is going to marry the asshole because he has money to take care of the kid. I’m so mad. I wish she and Nobu would get it together. I guess I’m going to have to read the manga now — you know, when I find a job.

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In sicky news, my GI system is having a field day (as usual). A couple of days ago, I ended up pretty sick with bad diarrhea. Last night and today, I’m slightly constipated. This is nothing new, but I still bitch about it. Usually, it happens the other way around; first I’ll be constipated, then I’ll get the opposite. Both are almost always accompanied by bad stomach aches.

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Mike and I are doing well, I guess. I feel guilty that he’s taking care of me right now, but even if I protest, he insists. He keeps making jokes about me being unemployed, though, which at first didn’t bother me but are now chipping away at my already fragile mental state; I think I’ve had a mini-breakdown every day since Monday night, when she fired me.

But my other aunt** is right; I shouldn’t let her words affect how I feel about myself.  I’ve got to keep my head high, and keep looking at this as an opportunity for me to do anything I want. I can even go back to school if I want***. For now, my goal for this month — and probably next month**** — is to find a job with lots of hours. Mike and I want to move into our own apartment by the spring or summer. Hopefully, I’ll figure out everything else soon.

*Anime is Japanese cartoons, and manga is Japanese comics.

**My dad’s sister, my Aunt Wendy.

***If only I could stop doubting my wants.

****Please, please let me find a job before the end of February.