Tag Archives: english major

"…things that could have been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!"

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With about two weeks left until the fall semester starts, I’d been getting kind of anxious about my application. I’d applied on June 28th and still hadn’t heard anything, so I called the admissions department this morning. I didn’t get good news.

Apparently, my application hadn’t “moved forward.” She put me on hold while I pondered what that meant, then came back relatively quickly — so at least I didn’t have to wait forever — and told me that when I’d moved my application from the last time I’d applied, it didn’t move forward in the system because I’d last applied in 2009 and they can only go back a year.

I get that it’s my fault, but when the hell were they going to tell me? They could have at least sent me a letter or an email saying, “Hey, dumbass, you’ve got to reapply, because it’s been too long since you last applied.” I’ve basically been wasting my time since June.

I also asked her if it would be too late if I applied now, and she gave me a really vague answer which translated to, “Yes, it is too late, but we can’t tell you that straight up because we don’t want to discourage anyone.”

I don’t really have a problem reapplying, but let’s face it: there are two weeks before the semester starts, so am I really going to get in? And, if I did, would there be any openings left for the class I need to take? As it is, you’re supposed to allow four to six weeks for a decision. Since I’m also a transfer student, I’m pretty sure I’d also have to wait for my transcripts to be sent in again and who knows how long that would take.

Plus, I have to pay the $50 application fee again, and of course I don’t really have it. I mean, I do have fifty bucks I could scrape up, but then I won’t have gas to get back and forth from work, or money to buy anything to take with me for lunch at work. Since I have no idea when I’ll be getting my first paycheck, I’m kind of reluctant to spend any money right now.

So, I’m going to think about it a little more. I can always apply for the Spring 2011 semester, instead. I’m just impatient and really want to get started. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if I had to wait, because then I could whittle my student loan down a little more, save for the first class I have to take, and get a few other things in order, but I really wanted to start in two weeks, dammit.

The Plan: August 2011 Goals Edition

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The Plan is a magical creature that is always changing. It doesn’t have any sort of concrete shape, so it is always hard to describe.

A representation of The Plan; image shown not necessarily accurate.

A representation of The Plan; image shown not necessarily accurate.

Many a text have been written about The Plan, but no two are ever the same.  The Plan doesn’t always work correctly, either. It is simultaneously an extinct and thriving creature.

This month, The Plan hopefully has a better survival rate here on planet e•liz•a•what than in previous months. I hate that I’m already into August and haven’t even heard from the university so that I can register already, but hopefully that will be changing soon. After all, this morning I was still unemployed and I now have one definite position of employment, and another quite likely opportunity to do some work on a website for a local shop that I adore. Because life is so unpredictable, The Plan has to be quite adjustable. It kinda teaches you to think on your feet.

My plan for this month is simple: Register for one class at the university and arrange a payment plan so that I don’t have to take out (another) loan. I’m hoping to get at least a teensy piece of the Pell Grant — which for all of my out-of-country readers is money for college education that you don’t have to pay back, but is on a first come, first served basis — but since I applied so late, I might be shit out of luck. I’d rather take two classes, but I’m trying to keep this as low-cost as possible while I finish paying off my student loan. I know I could take out another loan, but I’d rather not rack up a lot of debt. My country might be good at spending money it doesn’t have, but I sure as hell am not looking to go down that same path!

That is my only plan. I know I said I wanted to treat myself to a few things once I got this job — and I got it; I start this week! — but I’m going to be super careful with all of my income so that I can pay for this class, continue making payments on my student loan, pay my car insurance each month, and start putting aside money in my savings account again. I may treat myself to one Sims expansion pack, probably the Fun with Pets Collection. I am, however, definitely buying myself a happy pound of Caffé Verona, because it’s been a long time since I had my favorite coffee. All of that other stuff can wait, but in the meantime it’s nice to dream.

Most of the money I’ll be saving is going toward Mike’s and my future apartment, but I also have a funny feeling that I’d better start saving up for a new laptop. Mine is about five years old, and it’s been acting kind of funny lately. Apparently, five is old for a laptop — or so everyone keeps telling me — so I’d rather have the extra money set aside… just in case. I was going to upgrade this one’s processor, but I’m not sure whether it’d be worth it. Computer experts: What do you think?

So… zat is ze plan for zis month! I am going to call the university in the morning to see what my matriculation status is. I’m sure they’re just overloaded with applications and stuff, but I’m getting nervous. I guess it wouldn’t be a huge deal if I had to wait until the spring to start, but I’m bored and want to get a-movin’ on my edumacation here.

What are your goals and plans right now?

Letting go and moving forward

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Sometimes, in order to move forward, we have to leave things behind. It’s never easy to leave these things behind, but by doing so, we become lighter so that we can hold more of what is just ahead.

That’s how I interpret the adage, “When one door closes, another opens.”

I’m sure you can guess where this is going.

I have been blogging personally for about ten years. Maybe more, but I feel old if I think about it too hard. I started off in Diaryland or My Own Journal or something like that, moved to LiveJournal, and then found WordPress and have been using it ever since. I’ve always written about my life and what I was going through in a physical, paper journal, but I found blogging to be more rewarding. I made a lot of friends while sharing my life, and met a lot of people going through similar things. It was comforting, knowing that there was always someone out there listening.

I used to look at my blog as a security blanket. I couldn’t go a day without writing in it. More and more, though, I’m finding myself going days without even thinking about it, and when I do finally think about my blog, I realize I have nothing I feel the need to write about. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time — even before I mentioned anything — and I’ve decided that it’s time to move on.

Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against personal blogging. I’ve just come to a point in my life where I have no use for having my own personal blog. I want to focus on the adventure ahead of me: going back to school for my B.A. in English so that I can read and write for a living. I want to spend my time reading and writing, and not worrying about updating my personal blog or Twitter account so that people don’t think I’ve fallen off of the planet. I want to spend more time nurturing Freaking Bookworm, because I’ve finally found my “niche” in the blogosphere.

I want to shed the things I no longer need or use so that I can make room for the things ahead. I want to simplify, instead of collecting.

I’ve felt lighter ever since I made this decision.

I’m not just shedding my blog, though. I’m cutting down on all of the domains I own. I’m not using more than half of them, so I’m letting them just expire. I’m letting go of my @elizawhat account on Twitter and just using @freakingbookwrm. I’m looking for someone to take over Letters of Love. I’m getting rid of all nine-hundred of my email addresses, and just using liz@freakingbookworm.com. I’m considering deleting my Facebook, too.

I feel so good about all of this, even though it does make me a little sad. There is so much ahead, though, that I don’t feel empty the way I would have if I’d made this decision a few months ago.

I’ve already set up my new email address, but I don’t have a definite date yet for when I’m killing everything else. You all know where to find me, though, and of course, I know where to find you.

Do I even want to go back to school?

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I’m not sure.

I love Southern. I loved being a part of it. The campus is beautiful, and the Student Lounge (complete with Starbucks coffee) is my favorite place. I loved sitting at a table or on a couch in there, reading, doing homework, writing, or just relaxing for a few minutes before moving on. I loved walking around the campus and enjoyed its beauty during each season: warm and open in the summer, colorful and vibrant in the fall. (I haven’t seen it during the winter or spring yet, though I did see it at the end of winter.)

I loved having a major, and used that major as my sole purpose. “I’m an Elementary Education and English major,” I would proudly tell people. I had never even been sure exactly what that meant. Really, it was more of a challenge for me. Yes, I love kids, and I loved working with them during my field placement, but I wasn’t sure if I really wanted to be a teacher. The doubt just kept creeping in.

Not only that, but I also couldn’t seem to fit in. I have always had a hard time making and keeping friends. I like to think that I’m a great friend, that I am a fun person to be around. Still, I can’t seem to fit in. The closest I have ever gotten to fitting in was my Creative Writing class in my last semester of community college. Those people understood me, and we meshed perfectly together. I also fit in perfectly with Mike, and usually fit in with both of our families (though there are some times when I doubt even that). It’s a hard thing for me to admit, but there it is.

Girls who I thought liked me at Southern turned out to just be using me as a stepping stone. I fell so far in love with the idea of having a friend there that I tried to overlook the bullshit, but in the end it came down to the brutal realization that I was two months in and still hadn’t formed any kind of real friendships. I admitted to myself that I did not fit in with any of the other people in my program. Some of them were nice, but quite a few of them were smug and treated me like I was stupid. (I suspect this is because I don’t have a background in child education; I got my A.S. in Multimedia/Web Authoring, while they got their Associate’s in Early Childhood Education.) I tried not to let it bother me, but it did. I tried to just ignore it and do what I had to do, but it got awfully exhausting floating from one class to the next, passing by everyone else like a ghost.

In my English class, however, I fit in much better. There were a few English majors and a few other people pretty similar to my personality type. I had fun.

So last night, while talking to a friend I hadn’t seen since high school, I said that I thought I might start over again in the spring. I said that I thought I might just go for Creative Writing, like I had originally planned. As I lay in bed last night, I thought about it a little more. I would have to take ENG-112 once again. I would have to go through the whole registration process all over again. And will I still be dealing with the same health problems in spring? Will I have them under control through diagnosis and medication, or will they be worse, still undiagnosed?

If I were to not go back this spring, I would have to call my student loans bank and arrange to start paying off my loans. If I did go back, I wouldn’t have to pay them off until after I graduate.

What it all comes down to is, I’m not sure. Usually if I’m not sure about something, I just don’t do it (or buy it, or eat it). I don’t like to agonize over making the decision, and yet I do.

In the meantime, I’m really enjoying writing this book right now and I can see myself getting that B.A. in English for Creative Writing. I would enjoy it. It would be hard, but it wouldn’t be agonizing like Elementary Education was. (I didn’t want it bad enough to put up with the stress.)

Mike urges me to find out what’s wrong with me first, but of course my spontaneous ass wants to jump right back into it. I guess right now I just need to RELAX and focus on what is in front of me: appointments with the rheumatologist, writing a book, building websites, and figuring out how to afford presents for everyone this season.

Learning to be less stressed

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Remember how I graduated with an A.S. in Multimedia/Web Authoring from the community college I went to? For that degree, I had to take two college-level English courses: ENG-101 and ENG-112. ENG-101 was all about essay writing. We read a lot of different sources and then wrote very complicated essays. Some of the topics were pretty deep for a freshman level class, but I loved it. I learned a lot about how to write an essay, and a lot of the things my high school teachers had taught me got thrown out. (For instance, I could use the first-person when writing a paper.)

Then came ENG-112, which focused more on literature and writing in response to that literature. I enjoyed the stories, but my assignments weren’t as tough as they’d been in ENG-101. I sucked it up and finished, and then thought I’d never have to take another English course again; even though reading and writing are my strong points, I was excited to have crossed those off my To Do list for my degree.

When I graduated and then decided to transfer to the university I’m attending, I assumed both of those English courses would transfer over. How could they not?

Except, they didn’t. At least not completely. And I couldn’t explain it to you even if I tried, because I’m still not sure I get it.

Both times I met with an advisor to register for classes (I had to drop out the first time because I couldn’t afford it), I was told that my ENG-101 transferred but the ENG-112 didn’t because, at Southern, it’s part of my Communications requirement. Which made sense, because at NVCC ENG-112 was about literature. I didn’t protest because how could a second-level college English class hurt me?

Fast forward to last night, when I sat with my eyebrows crinkled. Why is he going over the essay rubric piece by piece now when we had to read it over for homework? I tapped my pen and began to jot down ideas I had for a new thesis. Suddenly, I sat up fast in my seat. The syllabus, I need the syllabus! I opened my folder and pulled out the syllabus.

The very first line said, “Please note that ENG-112 used to be ENG-101.” Now I knew why we were going through the writing process so slowly. I sat in shocked, frozen silence for a long time. How could they do this to me? Why, instead of moving forward with my college education, was I suddenly thrown not one, but two steps back? Why would they make a transfer student take the same beginner’s class again?

I tried to focus my attention on my open notebook and the new ideas I had scribbled on it, but my mind raced. Should I go to the temporary advisor I’d met with earlier this summer? Should I talk to my professor after class and see what he thought? Should I go to the Chair of the English Department and demand that something be changed for me? I envisioned running around chasing people the same way I had chased down the Dean of Academic Affairs when trying to graduate from NVCC when an advisor had told me to take the wrong class — and that wrong class eventually almost prevented me from graduating.

Okay, I thought. I can either drive myself crazy trying to get this fixed (and it probably won’t happen anyway), or I can just suck it up and deal with it. I can ask Will if I can change my thesis for this essay, and explain to him my situation, and see if I can make this work.

And just like that, I let it all roll off of me. I didn’t think I was even capable of such a thing, but I guess I am!

PS: I have not smoked a cigarette since my birthday, when I partied a lot and smoked a little (and decided that, even drunk, I no longer like cigarettes). I miss them a little sometimes, but mainly I’ve been doing just fine without them.