Tag Archives: faiqa

I'm only perfect in weakness

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Something is bothering me lately.

I have to start by saying that I am very proud of the work I’ve been doing with my Letters of Love project. I’m proud of where the project has gone — it started off small, with me thinking that it would be cool to write letters with a couple of people who knew what it was like to live with depression — and I’m proud of myself for putting countless hours into it. I’ve put my heart and soul into it, and to see it finally be what I dreamed it being is just unbelievably beautiful and humbling.

But I’ve noticed lately that some people have been calling me big names, names that don’t fit me: “perfect,” “awesome,” “amazing.”

Ever since I read Faiqa’s “Secrets of Adulthood”, one specific secret has been repeating over and over in my head:

Pedestals: avoid putting people on them, avoid being put on them.

I am in no way suggesting that anyone is putting me or has put me on a pedestal, but the names people have been associating with me are too much, too big. Especially “perfect.” I don’t know why someone would think that I am perfect, but I assure you, I am not.

I’m human, just like you. I make mistakes. I pick my nose. I trip over my own feet. I bruise myself on counters and table corners. I pick fights with my boyfriend. I get depressed. I think about suicide. I write long chapters in a novel that might not be good enough to see the shelves of Barnes and Noble (but oh, if only). My handwriting resembles that of a guy’s on good days, an elephant’s on bad days.

I’m not downing myself. I’m trying to show you that I am JUST LIKE YOU.

I have received emails, messages simply saying “thank you,” and it warms my heart, but… None of this would be possible without anyone else. It takes more than one person to build a community, to exchange letters.

Yes, I am very good at hiding my true feelings. They can get pretty ugly. For a long time, I made myself believe that I shouldn’t show you how much I hurt when I am hurting.

But even that careful mask is not perfection.

So please, let’s be friends and see each other on the same level. Let’s walk side by side.

Interview with Faiqa

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Faiqa is hot. Seriously. When I first saw her Gravatar on one of her comments I thought, “I have to be that hot chick’s friend.” I’m probably a whore or something, because all of my female internet friends are hot. (But you guys rock, too, so it all balances out!)

Anyway, Faiqa was recently interviewed by Sheila and asked if anyone else wanted to be interviewed. I’m really glad I volunteered now, because I feel so out of it that anything else I could possibly post would just be whinewhinewhine and a lot of random weirdness.

I could go on and on and talk about how my silly self didn’t realize I had to post the interview and emailed it back to her instead, but I won’t give Sarcastica any more ammo. ;)

  1. I was a total idiot when I was twenty. So, come on. You’re really 20? You can’t be 20. You really are? OK, then. Tell me, how does it feel to be the most mature twenty year old on the planet? Do you get along with people your age or do you have a lot of friends who are older than you?

    Yeah, I’m really twenty. And I’m always the baby in whatever group I’m hanging out in. Mike — my boyfriend — is four years older than me. All of my other friends — except like two of them — are older than me. I don’t really relate to people my age. I’ve always related better to people older than me. I used to think something was wrong with my brain, but if you’re saying I’m the most mature twenty-year-old…. Hmn. That could go to my head…

  2. Mike sounds hot. What does he look like?

    Mike IS hot. When I first met him, I thought, “wow, this hot guy really wants to hang out with ME?” Heh. He’s 6’2″ and has the most intense, smoldering blue eyes… He’s got a full beard and mustache and he likes to shop. He even carries my things when we’re shopping! I’m one lucky gal.

  3. How was the name “Elizabeth Kaylene” selected for you? If you’re named after Queen Elizabeth I, the Virgin Queen, I’m going to be intensely jealous.

    The name Elizabeth is sort of a family name. It was my maternal great-grandmother’s middle name, and I think it was even in the family before her. Initially my parents — particularly my dad — wanted to name me Kaylene, but I have a cousin named Katelyn so they thought it would be too close. (I have a feeling someone in the family bitched about it being too close, so my parents changed their minds to keep things smooth, but no one’s asked me!) So I got stuck with Elizabeth Kaylene. I like it now, but when I was a kid I got the worst nicknames. Lizardbreath, Lesbo… Yeah. If I’d been born a boy I’d have been named Nicholas.

  4. If you could meet three fiction writers, alive or dead, who would you choose? Why?

    I’d love to meet Stephen King, because he has one fucked up — ‘scuse my Italian — mind. I’d really like to see where half the stuff he comes up with comes from. I’d also like to meet Tess Gerritsen. She seems really nice. She has a blog that I keep forgetting to go check… She responds to comments! You don’t see that a lot. I really like her Maura Isles books. And, um, I guess I’d also like to meet Sylvia Plath. I know, that sounds SO cliche, but she really was brilliant and I think we have a lot in common. Not to say that I’m brilliant. I just mean that she knew what it was like to be suffocatingly depressed, and you don’t meet a lot of people who are THAT honest about depression. I think she and I would be good friends.

  5. Perpetual Smile? I’m dying to know how you came up with such a clever name. And do you have a perpetual smile? Even when you’re asleep?

    I came up with the name Perpetual Smile a long time ago, when my cousin and I had visions of grandeur and thought we were gonna start a band. She wanted to name this non-existent band Black Noise and I wanted Perpetual Smile. The name just always stuck with me, so when I decided to buy my own domain for a blog it was basically all I had. I’m actually pretty pessimistic, so it’s kind of a private oxymoron. Mike’s the one who’s perpetually sunny. Not me! A lot of people think I’m positive though. I think they’re all nuts.

So I guess I’m supposed to keep this going! If anyone wants to be interviewed, either comment here or send an email to elizawhat [at] gmail [dot] com. Thanks, Faiqa!

Updated @ 10:01pm: I will be writing about my chronic pain at Scars Can Speak from now on. The latest update is up: What long fingers you have! I’ll still write about it here, but I’ll be writing about it daily over at Scars Can Speak.