Tag Archives: family

Off My Mind: Things I am Not Going to Worry About

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Lately I’ve been worrying so much that I barely have time for anything else, in my head at least. The other day I realized that I just need to stop worrying… so I did. This is unprecedented in Liz history. The worries are still there, of course, but they no longer threaten to suck me dry. I no longer feel like I’m going to break into little pieces. I still need to purge my system, though, and get these worries off my mind.

I am not going to worry about money anymore. My paycheck every Friday isn’t that great — I work fifteen hours a week and earn minimum wage — and it may be tight every week, but I’m okay. It’ll be even less tight after next Friday, when I pay off the last bill in the stack of bills that I need to catch up on. Hell, I’m even managing to save a little bit of money every week. I’ve gotten damn good at budgeting. Clearly I am wife material.

I am not going to worry that every family member’s health problem is a death sentence anymore. Well okay, that’s probably impossible to stop doing, but I’m going to try. My aunt had her biopsy on the 21st, and the other lady in my life who needs a mammogram has yet to make an appointment, so either way it’s all out of my hands. Worrying is not going to help anything. It’s just going to make me feel sick.

I am not going to worry about my own health problems. Currently I’m in remission, meaning I have little to no symptoms. This could all change tomorrow, but I’m not going to worry about that. I’m actually feeling quite positive about this year’s New York Comic Con; last year, I hurt for days after, but this year I’m less soft because I work in retail again and I’m used to being on my feet for hours. By October 15th, I’ll be a pro. I’m not going to let my pain ruin that day for me.

I’m also not going to worry about my lack of a diagnosis. It’s got to be a good thing that they haven’t found anything, because maybe that means this will go away. Maybe it’s just some weird aftereffect of the mono I had, maybe it’s just the mono working its way out of my system all these years later. I don’t know. I caught a segment of some Mystery Diagnosis-ish show last night and the woman’s symptoms were almost to the T mine; I could have written that part of the episode. She ended up being diagnosed with Scleroderma, an autoimmune disease where the body doesn’t produce enough of the collagen protein and the body attacks its own skin cells and other tissues. It’s a rare disease marked by joint pain, fatigue, Raynaud’s Syndrome, and GI issues. It sounds pretty close to mine, and maybe it’s not mine, but once I get back on my feet and can afford another doctor’s appointment, I’m going to have Pam check my collagen levels in my next blood workup. It gives me something else to go on and something else to cross of the long list of Things That are Not Wrong with Me if the test comes back negative… but I’m not going to let it get to me.

And while we’re still on the health subject, I am so going to stop worrying about my Mirena IUD. When they first told me it could potentially poke through my uterus and cause DOOM, I didn’t worry about it. But ever since I missed my followup because I couldn’t afford the copay, I’ve been freaking out at the slightest bit of pressure in my lower abdomen. Logic tells me I would definitely know if the thing poked through my wall because I’d be in screaming pain and bleeding like a stuck pig or something, but my imagination (as we know) runs rampant and tells me that I am bleeding internally and am going to die. If you’ve ever thought I might be crazy, you now may be convinced that I am completely insane. I’m not apologizing for my imagination. It helps me write stories. :P

I am not going to worry about what I want to do for the rest of my life. I had this problem. I wanted to do everything and couldn’t pick one thing to do forever. A week ago, I realized that I don’t have to pick one thing. A career should be something you enjoy, that you want to get paid for. It shouldn’t be a life sentence. At least, not for me. I am not a “pick one thing and do it forever” kind of person. The only thing I do forever is love someone. I have many interests, all of which wax and wane. It keeps my life interesting and keeps me learning. I can already tell that I’m going to be one of those seventy-year-olds embarking on a new career, because I am always embarking on a new interest, and have already had a successful career.

Part of me wanted to be an editorial assistant, part of me wanted to be a teacher, and part of me wanted to be a surgeon. I can’t do it all at once, and I accept that. I tried to pick one thing to do forever and I couldn’t convince myself that it was okay, so when I realized that I didn’t have to choose, I felt a huge weight come off me. All I had to do was choose which one I wanted to do next. As much as I’d love to be an editorial assistant, it’s not realistic for what I want in my life right now. I’d have to go to school for another two to three years, work the retail job I have now, and then when I finished I’d have to find a job in the field… which would not be easy. I want to work as an editor for a publishing company and read people’s novels and short stories. Those jobs are very, very hard to come by, partly because of the economy, and partly because of the changing landscape of publishing. It doesn’t mean that it would be impossible. It just wouldn’t be easy.

So instead, I’ve decided to chase my other dream for now and come back to that one later: being a teacher. I’ve decided that I’d rather work as a preschool teacher because, as much as I love all kids, that age group is my favorite. And, in Connecticut, you can become a preschool teacher with either an A.S. in Early Childhood Education or your CDA certification. I’ve also heard that many preschool and Head Start programs will hire a teacher as long as they are currently working on their certification. I’ve emailed the head of the ECE department at my community college to see what my best option would be, as the certification on its own would take less time than the A.S., and I’m assuming that since I already have an A.S., I’d be just fine with the certificate.

I’d be able to start working in that field in a relatively short period of time, and then I would have a good paying job with health insurance benefits and enough income to live off of. After that, I could start pursuing my B.A. in English part-time and eventually be in that field, as well as have time to focus on my writing; most preschool teachers are part-time employed, and depending on where they teach, they also have summers off. I would also have something to fall back on if I can’t find employment as an editorial assistant. No matter how I look at it, this works for the best.

I am not going to worry about our wedding plans. Mike and I both have very different ideas of what our wedding should look like. He wants a Halloween wedding and I want a beach wedding — two very different seasons. I worried about us compromising, but I’ve decided that if we don’t, I don’t care. It doesn’t really matter to me how we get married, so long as we do get married. We’re going to talk about our wedding plans, budget, and a possible date later.

I am not going to beat myself up about my savings and worry about how soon we can get our own place. It really bothers me that I had to use the money I saved for an apartment to get through the months I was unemployed… but I’m not going to beat myself up about it anymore. I’m saving money again and moving forward. I’m considering setting up a second savings account that is only for the apartment, that way it’s out of sight and out of mind, and I won’t be tempted to tap into it next time I have a monetary emergency.

And, on a lighter note… I am not going to worry about catching up on Grey’s Anatomy anymore. I finished Episode 16 of Season 7 earlier today, DVRed the first episode of Season 8 last night, and I’ll catch up eventually. I’m not really looking forward to having to wait a whole week to see the next episode, anyway.

Also, on a completely different subject but also equally light note, I am back in my writers’ group at NVCC. I’m also sort of a team leader, the person who is there every Thursday so that we meet once a week no matter what. This also means that, every week, I have to write something. It also means that I’m taking it upon myself to ensure that, every week, we have some kind of snack. Snacks are important. I’m making the writers’ group and the Fresh Ink publication one of my priorities right now, because it helps me make writing one of my priorities. Writing and snacks are important.

What are you not worrying about, and what are you looking forward to? Leave a comment and get the bad things off your mind, and make something good your mind’s priority.

The Ring

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Mike completely surprised me when he officially asked me to marry him. I’d been suspecting he might ask me, but chalked it up to me being a girl when nothing happened at dinner. I can honestly say I was surprised when he asked, which is good, because despite the many times I thought he was going to do it, I was disappointed in myself for even thinking it because it would ruin the big surprise.

(In case you’re a guy and you’re wondering: Yes, we women are very complex, slightly crazy creatures. Someone should pay us for being this weird; it’s a lot of work.)

After he asked me, he told me that he had a ring, which threw me completely off guard because I thought he asked because we always ask each other. We’ve talked about it a thousand times. We’ve even talked about our wedding party and who would be what in the wedding. He always said one day he would officially ask me. He said that he didn’t have the ring on him, though, and that Britt had it because it was their grandmother Nanny’s.

When it comes to our families, Mike and I are almost the same person. We love our families fiercely, especially our grandparents. My relationship with Noni and Popi and how I feel about them is pretty much the same as Mike’s relationship with his Nanny and Poppy. I never got to meet them, but I know all about them.

So when he told me that the ring he was giving me had been Nanny’s, was passed down to Britt, and that Britt wanted to give it to me because she loves me, I teared up. I always thought I was the type of girl who wouldn’t cry when the Big Question was asked, but I did, so here we are.

“Text Britt and see if she’s home!” he said excitedly as he drove. “Actually, call her!”

She answered right away. “Hey, are you home?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she said. “What’s up?”

“Put her on speaker!” Mike almost sang out.

I told Britt to hold on and put her on speaker.

“Hey,” he said. “Would you mind if we stopped by?”

“Sure,” she said. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I just gotta pick up a ring.” I could hear the smile in his voice, and I knew she could, too.

“Oh!” she said. “Yeah, come over!”

It's so delicate, so gorgeous.

It's so delicate, so gorgeous.

When we got to her house, she was elated. “I always knew you’d be my sister!” she said. She handed the ring to Mike and he started to put it on my finger. Nanny’s fingers were really small, though, so I couldn’t get it on past the second joint of my finger. Britt came to the rescue, though, and told us that her boyfriend Tyson has a friend who can size it for us. Leave it to my future sister-in-law to have everything in order! She really is a lifesaver. For the time being, we put it on my chain where I was wearing my promise ring (since the skin underneath that ring was getting all irritated from having water trapped under the ring).

Before we left, she said, “I’m so excited! Now we can start planning the wedding!” It didn’t hit me until hours later that…

  • Holy shit, I have to plan a wedding! 8O
  • Holy shit, I get to plan a wedding! :lol:

(Remember guys, we women are weird like that.)

I’m ecstatic. Last night, while watching Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix, I tried out my future name: “Mrs. Michael Campbell,” “Elizabeth Kaylene Campbell,” “Mrs. Campbell,” “Elizabeth Campbell,” “Liz Campbell,” and “Mike and Liz Campbell.” It makes me giggle like a three-year-old every time, because it sounds so good.

And, even though I put the ring away until it gets sized so that nothing happens to it, today I’m wearing it on my pinky because I can’t not wear it. Strangely enough, I feel naked without it.

Wearing it on my pinky today.

Wearing it on my pinky today.

We don’t have a date set yet because we’re broke, but as soon as we decide on what we want — we already have an idea, but it’s not final — we’ll probably be able to set a date based on how long it’ll take for us to save up. We’re in no rush, but oh man, I can’t wait.

Liz Campbell. Heehee.

PS: I have a lightbox plugin, so if you click on the pictures in this post, you can see them full size and really see how beautiful this ring is. I’m honored that it’s been passed to me. It means so much.

I'm Getting a Hurricane for My Birthday

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Update, 12:40am, 08/30: For those of you who don’t have Twitter and are wondering, my family and I are all safe. We’re going on forty-eight hours without power, but we’re managing just fine. I’ll post a full update as soon as we get power (typing on my phone is cumbersome at best, painful on my hands at worst). :)

♦

Hurricane Irene is coming to visit me.

Hurricane Irene is coming to visit me.

Hurricane Irene is forecast to hit Connecticut — where I live — at about 5pm EST on Sunday night… and Sunday happens to be my birthday. Even the spaghetti forecast — an estimation of all of the possible paths Irene could take — shows that no matter which way it goes, Irene is coming to visit me.

At first, I wasn’t taking it seriously because, come on, CT never gets anything more than a little rain when there’s a hurricane. Governor Asshole — I mean, Malloy — declared a state of emergency, though, and my sister’s school is advising that after moving in on Saturday, students go directly home and return Monday for class.

I realize this hurricane could be nasty — they’re saying it could hit us at Category 1 — but damn, why does it have to be on my birthday? I think I have every right to whine. ;)

If you’re in Irene’s path on her way to visit me, make sure you’re prepared. CT put together a little minisite with tips and announcements related to the hurricane, but I also found a few more links I thought I’d share.

Fun times.

My first priority this weekend is my cat; if we have to evacuate, she is the first “thing” I’m grabbing. I’m also packing a little bag, just in case, and we’re getting water and some other supplies together. We’ll most likely be hanging out downstairs on the first floor with Noni and Biz Noni on Sunday, since our roof, um, leaks, and we’re on the third floor.

I’ll make sure to keep updating on Twitter in case we do get hit, that way you guys know I’m alive and stuff, but I’m not too too worried. I just feel like we’re better off being safe rather than sorry. If you’re in Irene’s path, too, please stay safe. Let’s hook up on Twitter so that we can keep each other updated, okay? I’m @elizabethbarone.

Also, if anyone in the Naugatuck Valley area knows of pet friendly emergency shelters — like the Red Cross or something — can you let me know? We have two cats and they’re very important to us.

♦

Update, 7:44pm, 08/25: NYT put together a tracker to show Irene’s path, and via reliable news sources on Twitter, I’ve learned that New Jersey is asking all Jersey Shore residents to voluntarily leave the area for the time being, NYC is shutting down all public transportation from Saturday afternoon and on, and Connecticut is closing all state parks and campgrounds. Stay safe, guys. This is starting to worry me a little.

Update, 11:09pm, 08/25: Check out this satellite image showing the size of Irene; it’s 1/3 the size of the East Coast! #holyshit

Update, 12:55pm, 08/26: Still getting a hurricane for my birthday, wahoo! As of 11:45 this morning, the National Hurricane Center said that we’ll be getting hit with a Category I on Sunday morning. So basically, I get to wake up to this shit.

Here’s what we’re doing to prepare:

  • Put some water into containers (because why buy it when it comes just fine out of your faucet right now)
  • Reinforce the shaky windows in the house with plexiglass
  • Charge up our cell phones Saturday night
  • Get ready to camp out in our living room; if we lose power, we’ll be cooking out (after the storm, obviously)

No biggy. What are you doing to prepare?

Update, 1:29am, 08/28: As of 1:15am, we’re still looking at “welcoming” Irene into Connecticut sometime tomorrow morning, with the edges of the storm hitting us at about two this morning. Everyone else in my house is asleep. Ironically, yesterday I was telling my friend to not panic and that we’d all be fine, but now I’m getting nervous. Our roof started leaking a few hours ago, and we don’t even have wind or really heavy rain yet. Please keep your fingers that the roof holds out!

Other than that, I’m enjoying Lungs, the Florence + the Machine album that Mom and Dad got me for my birthday. And, even though I was born at 5:18am today, I’m celebrating my twenty-third birthday by listening to it. Mom and I had vodka and cranberry drinks earlier, and there’s plenty more for later today when we lose power (since we’re anticipating losing it).

I’ve been doing my best to check on everyone on Twitter, and will continue to update from my phone on both Twitter and here, if need be. Be safe, everyone! We’ll get through this. ♥

Things Are Looking Up, and Up, and Up

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Because I am goofy.

Because I am goofy.

I sat outside Tuesday night, smoking a cigarette and thinking about my life. I had everything packed and was ready go to the lake the next morning with my family to spend the night on my grandparents’ campsite. The lake has become a sacred place to me since we lost my grandfather; I feel closer to him there than anywhere else. Every time I’ve gone up there this summer, things have become clearer to me, and I found myself at peace. As I sat there thinking about the trip and my own problems — finding a job, starting school, kicking off my writing career — I suddenly thought, “In two days, everything will be okay.”

I almost tweeted it. I used to tweet every single thought, but lately I’ve been on Twitter more and more sporadically. Sometimes I won’t check my @’s for days. The thought was so strong, so urgent that I wanted to tweet it. I started to, then decided not to, because sometimes I’m slightly superstitious and didn’t want to jinx myself. Not long after, I completely forgot about the thought.

Two days later, after sleeping in a tent on the campsite and eating breakfast, I checked my phone to see if it had finished charging so that I could pack up the charger. There was a new voicemail and a number I didn’t recognize, so I called my voicemail, thinking it was probably a doctor’s office or something. The call was to set up an interview at a place I’d applied to a couple of months ago. I couldn’t believe it. I called and set up a time for an interview, then when I hung up, I remembered the thought:

“In two days, everything will be okay.”

I wanted to tweet that I had a job interview, but again, didn’t want to jinx myself. So I didn’t. Instead, I went home and took a shower. I didn’t lay out clothes because let’s be honest — I’ve had clothes laid out for weeks! I went to bed relatively early, set my alarm for the morning, and calmed my excitement until I fell asleep. Then, early this afternoon, I went for my interview.

And I think I’ve got it.

Even if for some reason I don’t get it — it’s pending a background check and a call to my references, which will come back fine because I am boring — I now have a sense of hope. It’s my birthday month. Coincidence? I think not. This is my month.

I’ve been waiting for this feeling for a long, long time.

PS: I’m working on a new writing project that will soon be available to read online, for free. It’s an ongoing story about five people living in the same condo complex, set in the same town as Sade on the Wall. I’ll let you know more… soon. ;)

One Title Does Not Fit This Post

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I don’t really know how to say this, so I’m just going to say it: I found out yesterday that Noni’s tumor grew a little. I know that “a little” isn’t anything to freak out about, but I can’t help but think, “What the fuck? The hormones were supposed to shrink it, not let it grow.” I’m trying to stay positive and not freak out, but it’s bothering me. Her doctors are going to reevaluate the hormone treatment and see if they should try something else, or if she’s going to need surgery to have it removed like they originally planned, or what. I don’t have many more details than that. I think they’re going to do some more testing on the tumor. Honestly, I kind of went into this numb zone where I didn’t hear much else beyond “tumor grew a little,” and I’m kind of afraid to ask someone because I kind of feel like an asshole for missing most of the conversation.

Because I don’t really want to think or talk about that, I guess I’ll tell you about my second least favorite subject: My latest visit with my rheumatologist!

I saw him on on the 21st, and after waiting an hour like always, finally got into an exam room. I saw one of the nurses first. She took my blood pressure, asked me about medications, then went through a whole list of questions, like, “Do you have any joint pain? Headaches? Chest pain?” etc. Some of them were relevant, but most of them weren’t. I told her about my six-day headache, and she was kind of surprised. I forgot to tell her about my switch from oral birth control to the Mirena, so when my doctor came in I made sure to tell him about both the headache and the Mirena. He didn’t seem concerned about the headache, though. (It did, by the way, finally go away on the 23rd. I haven’t had one since, knock on wood.)

We talked about my Tramadol and how I’ve been on 25mg and how it’s radically helped my joint pain, and he seemed satisfied with that. He asked me if I’d started Tai Chi or anything like that and I told him I had planned to, but lost my job so couldn’t afford it. We also talked about my UTI symptoms. After telling me I needed to get a urinalysis done that day and get blood work done in two to three months, he asked if I’d followed up with my PA-C at my regular doctor’s. I hadn’t, and hadn’t even thought about it, so he said I should follow up with her… and also with Dr. Lichter.

Dr. Lichter is a Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation specialist. He’s the one who did several nerve conduction tests on me, all of which came back fine, and then told me to get a gym membership and sent me on my way. I didn’t have a problem with him until then. I have a huge problem with doctors dismissing health problems when they can’t quickly diagnose them. He might be a fantastic doctor, but he obviously didn’t know what to do with me and didn’t think he needed to try anything else. I know I’m a mystery. I’ve had countless doctors tell me that. My blood work is wily. Honestly, if I were a doctor, I might have reason to think I was a drug addict just looking for a prescription, or at the very least, a hypochondriac. Unfortunately, before my daily dose of Tramadol, my joint pain was very real and definitely not just a twinge here and there that I freaked out over. This shit kept me up at night on many occasions that I’d rather not remember. This shit interfered with my life on many levels. If I’m a hypochondriac, I’m a really good one.

Dr. Greco wrote my PA-C’s office and Dr. Lichter’s office on the “copy to” part of the blood work order, and told me he’d see me in six months, and to follow up with Pam (PA-C) and Dr. Lichter in the meantime. I know I don’t have to see Dr. Lichter. I’d definitely rather not waste the $40 copay. Hell, I can’t even afford any of my copays right now, so I’d really rather not waste it on a doctor I don’t like and don’t want to see. I’m going to make an appointment with Pam and see what she thinks. Honestly, I’m not sure what the next step is. My symptoms are, for the most part, finally being managed. I could just walk away and be content with taking several medications — Tramadol, Miralax, a slew of vitamins — for the rest of my life. At the same time, though, I still really just want to know what the hell caused all of this. It’s kind of hard to justify more sleuthing, though, when my symptoms are being managed.

I did my urinalysis that same day, and the next day got a call from Dr. Greco’s office. I have a bladder infection, and am on Cipro. I can’t even think of how many times I’ve had bladder infection or UTI symptoms, had my urine tested, and came back with nothing. I had it so bad one time, I was screaming and crying. (I think I may have even gone to the ER, but it was a long time ago so I’m not positive.) I’m shocked that something actually showed up this time. I’ve been feeling like shit for a couple months now.

Cipro sucks. You can’t take it within so many hours of magnesium, calcium, or milk product, or with any of those things, so I am having a hard time remembering to take it. I take all of my pills in the morning after breakfast. I can’t take Cipro then because I usually have some kind of milk product; if I don’t have cereal for breakfast, I usually drink coffee with cream. It’s definitely annoying.

I’m also annoyed because I had a urinalyses when I had my annual at my gynecologist’s, and apparently the bladder infection didn’t show up. My symptoms then were worse than they are now. Speaking of my gynecologist, I missed my appointment today with her to check my Mirena. I completely forgot until I started writing this. The worst part is, their reminder machine called me yesterday, and I have it written down in my planner. I have completely lost track of my days.

Not having a job is killing me. I know I keep whining about this, but I’ve never had such a hard time finding one. At first, when I lost my job in May, I thought, Whoo, vacation! Now I am bored, a couch potato, have no life, and have no money. The bills are piling up. Most of them are medical bills, but I have to give my mom money for my car insurance next month, and then in October have to pay at least $50 toward my student loan. And if the school ever sends me my acceptance letter, I’ll need gas to get back and forth from New Haven. I’m only planning on taking one class (unless something changes drastically, like I get a work study at the school), but still.

I feel like I’ve been going through one of those really long rough patches, and I’m almost at the part where I’m going to get through it. It’s not just work related. It’s my health, family — everything. I feel like I’m on the edge, that I just have to keep swimming. It’s been a long, long rough patch, let me tell you. I cannot wait to get to the other side.

How did you get through a long rough patch?