Tag Archives: freaking bookworm

Letting go and moving forward

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Sometimes, in order to move forward, we have to leave things behind. It’s never easy to leave these things behind, but by doing so, we become lighter so that we can hold more of what is just ahead.

That’s how I interpret the adage, “When one door closes, another opens.”

I’m sure you can guess where this is going.

I have been blogging personally for about ten years. Maybe more, but I feel old if I think about it too hard. I started off in Diaryland or My Own Journal or something like that, moved to LiveJournal, and then found WordPress and have been using it ever since. I’ve always written about my life and what I was going through in a physical, paper journal, but I found blogging to be more rewarding. I made a lot of friends while sharing my life, and met a lot of people going through similar things. It was comforting, knowing that there was always someone out there listening.

I used to look at my blog as a security blanket. I couldn’t go a day without writing in it. More and more, though, I’m finding myself going days without even thinking about it, and when I do finally think about my blog, I realize I have nothing I feel the need to write about. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time — even before I mentioned anything — and I’ve decided that it’s time to move on.

Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against personal blogging. I’ve just come to a point in my life where I have no use for having my own personal blog. I want to focus on the adventure ahead of me: going back to school for my B.A. in English so that I can read and write for a living. I want to spend my time reading and writing, and not worrying about updating my personal blog or Twitter account so that people don’t think I’ve fallen off of the planet. I want to spend more time nurturing Freaking Bookworm, because I’ve finally found my “niche” in the blogosphere.

I want to shed the things I no longer need or use so that I can make room for the things ahead. I want to simplify, instead of collecting.

I’ve felt lighter ever since I made this decision.

I’m not just shedding my blog, though. I’m cutting down on all of the domains I own. I’m not using more than half of them, so I’m letting them just expire. I’m letting go of my @elizawhat account on Twitter and just using @freakingbookwrm. I’m looking for someone to take over Letters of Love. I’m getting rid of all nine-hundred of my email addresses, and just using liz@freakingbookworm.com. I’m considering deleting my Facebook, too.

I feel so good about all of this, even though it does make me a little sad. There is so much ahead, though, that I don’t feel empty the way I would have if I’d made this decision a few months ago.

I’ve already set up my new email address, but I don’t have a definite date yet for when I’m killing everything else. You all know where to find me, though, and of course, I know where to find you.

I'm getting the hell out of here!

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Squirt is clearly only tolerating my annoying urge to take pictures together.

Squirt is clearly only tolerating my annoying urge to take pictures together.

Tomorrow I’m getting out of the city and into the country and fresh air for three beautiful days. I’m ecstatic. I’m still unemployed, and all of the stress surrounding the whole situation has been making me yearn to just get out. As long as Noni still feels up to it after her chemo today, we’re leaving for the lake tomorrow morning, joining up with Aunt Wendy, going to Aunt Wendy’s graduation tomorrow night, and then coming home sometime Friday. I get three days all alone with my grandmother and aunt — something that will probably never happen again.

I haven’t yet decided whether I’m bringing my laptop to do some writing, but I’m bringing two of the books on my summer reading list. I really want to leave my laptop behind, but I haven’t done any writing in a few days, so I might bring it and my Sade On the Wall first draft and notes. I don’t know. There’s something appealing about getting away from my laptop for three days… and there’s also something appealing about using those three days to get started on that editing I’ve been meaning to do (and procrastinating).

So yeah, as long as Noni still feels up to it in the morning, we’re heading off! Her chemo went well today, though. They started her on a different chemo, since she was reacting badly to the other one. The first time she had her treatment, she fainted and got pretty banged up. She also had a lot of joint pain. The second time, she had joint pain again, I think, so her oncologist decided to try a different medication. This one was a shot instead of an IV drip like the other one, and she did well on it today. All of her blood work came back perfect, too, and she and the oncologist even think the tumor might be shrinking.

I do feel kind of bad that I’m leaving Mike for three days, because not only is he getting a root canal on Thursday, but he has never spent that much time with my family without me around. I hope it won’t be too awkward for him. I mean, I know he’s known them all for about five years and has been living here for almost a year, but I’m sure it’ll be a little different, at least. It would be for me. Then again, the only thing he’s said about the whole thing is that he wishes I was going to be around after he gets the root canal, for comfort purposes. He’ll be fine, of course, but I wouldn’t be me if a small part of me didn’t worry a little.

She didn't think this was funny.

She didn't think this was funny.

Aside from going away and being unable to find a job even though I’ve applied to several places, I started taking 25mg of Tramadol every day on 06/02 — almost two weeks ago — and since then, my pain has decreased to only a small twinge here or there. Most days, I’ve had no pain at all. It’s hard to tell whether this is the medication, or just a period of remission. Either way, I’m enjoying it. If, by the time I see my rheumatologist again in July, I’m still not having that much pain, I’m going to just assume it’s the medication. And then I’ll have to celebrate, because holy shit! This low dose of Tramadol doesn’t make me feel like I just smoked a bunch of pot! Of course, it’s not treating that annoying fatigue that hits me like an eighteen wheeler sometimes, but I can deal with that if I’m not also in pain.

She hates me.

She hates me.

I’ve also been doing a lot of stuff for Freaking Bookworm, partially to keep busy but mostly because I love it. I created a book review bloggers directory inspired by the book review vloggers directory that my book blogging buddy Liz created. I also wrote an article on why it’s a good thing that teens read YA, which got quite a few tweets and Facebook shares. (When I say “quite a few,” I mean it’s quite a few for my little book review blog. :D ) I also read and reviewed Witch Doctor #0 and Beat, and created a summer reading list. And, even though I am not ready to share this over on Freaking Bookworm, I landed my first interview with an author, and got accepted to write book reviews for Blog Critics, the sister site to Technorati (which is like Google to the blogosphere). I have a lot more reviews coming, but this is what I’ve been working on lately. So, even though I lost my Amazon store, things are still going really well, and I’m having a lot of fun with this. It would be the best job in the world if I could find a way to make a living off of it. I will, someday.

"Oh stupid human, are you done yet?"

"Oh stupid human, are you done yet?"

In unrelated news, I’m thinking about giving up personal blogging and focusing completely on book blogging. (I also have plans for another focused blog, as soon as I get back on my feet and can afford to spend the usually inexpensive $8.95 for a domain name. In the meantime, I’m setting up a WordPress.com blog to make sure I’m committed to the topic.) As much as I enjoy blogging, I just don’t see the point in publicly sharing my personal life and problems anymore. It used to be a way for me to vent, but I’m just starting to think of it as immature; I look back on many of my old posts and think, Why did I need to share that? I don’t see anything wrong with personal blogging in general, but I think I’m growing out of it. Don’t worry, though — you’ll never see me stop blogging! (Unless I die. But we’re not going to think about that. I like being alive.)

What’s new with you? I just caught up on blogs, but I still wanna know. Leave me a comment and catch me up!

Things I wanted to do this year… and things I’m going to do now

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May and June 2011 Goals

May and June 2011 Goals

I just found this in my drafts. I reread it, then published it for the date it should have been published. It was finished, but I’d never published it. Reading it again was weird. I know now that I didn’t publish it at the time because I didn’t really want to go back to school. Five months later, and I’m still not sure whether I want to go back to school. I’m not sure of much of anything.

I do know that, although I’m not where I thought I’d be, I did the best I could.

2011 Goals:

  • Pay off the remainder of my student loans by the summer. I’ve knocked it down from $3,807.75 (07/25/2010) to $3,382.74 (05/16/2011). That’s about $500. Since the interest kind of makes this an uphill battle, I think $500 is pretty good. I want to do better, though. I’m tired of this debt hanging over my head. I don’t think I’ll have it paid off within the next couple of months, though.
  • Re-matriculate as a junior at Southern Connect State University, apply to the Elementary Education program, and get in. Um… No thanks. I want to know that I want to go back to school, before I go back. (Translation: Before I make the commitment and rack up another expensive debt.)
  • Move into an apartment with Mike by the summer. This could still happen. I have a good chunk of money in my savings account. He has more dental work to get done, though, which is going to end up being a debt he’s going to have to pay off. (And I think it’s going to be about the same amount as my student loan!) We might be looking at the fall now… or another six months. It wouldn’t be so bad, but there are five of us crowded into this one bedroom apartment (Mom, Dad, Lauren, Mike, and me [and Squirt and Apollo]). I don’t know why it seemed like less people when it was Noni, Popi, Lauren, and me here.
  • Edit Sade On the Wall and produce a second draft. I’ve done a read through of the first draft… That counts, kind of, right? I know what I need to do to whip a second draft up. I just can’t seem to get myself to do it. That changes, starting today…

In January, I decided that my next steps were:

  1. Find and implement a better source of income, and
  2. Read through Sade On the Wall once and make a complete list of things that need to be fixed.

I actually ended up doing both. I found a $28,000 salary job, and I read through “Sade,” made some corrections, and made notes and lists of improvements for the second draft.

I’m proud of what I accomplished.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I’ve decided on what my goals for right now are — what my “what’s next” is.

May and June 2011 Goals:

  • Find a part-time job. I’ve decided that, if I’m really careful and budget well, I can make a part-time income work for me.
  • Write the second draft of Sade On the Wall. The other part of my time will be spent making those changes I found when I read through the manuscript.
  • Make $65 on FreakingBookworm.com. The third part of my time will be spent growing Freaking Bookworm and making $65 by October, to pay for my New York Comic Con ticket.
  • Submit “Outlaw Love Story” to another magazine. I’ve only submitted this story to one magazine, and it got rejected. I’m still excited that it got rejected, but now it’s time to get over the simultaneous disappointment, tweak it a little, and submit it somewhere else.

I’d also like to enter some kind of writing contest, but I’m not going to add that to the list of goals. Four is enough for now.

By accomplishing these goals, I’ll be officially done being a web designer. I’ll be a part-time writer, on my way to being a full-time writer. And, with the flexibility of a part-time retail job, I’ll be able to attend my doctors’ appointments without hassle and hopefully finally get a diagnosis.

I can do this.

So, what's next?

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The question isn’t, “What should I do for the rest of my life?” It’s, “What should I do next?” Neither are easy to answer. Even though I hated my job, I’m still going through some weird, mid-life crisis kind of depression. I’ve known for a long time that I don’t want “web designer” to be my job description anymore. The thing is, I can’t seem to figure out what’s next. I know nothing is forever, that we are in control of our lives and can change our paths at any time, but I don’t know what I want to commit to right now. I think what’s happened is, being a web designer was like a security blanket; I’ve built the last five years on being a web designer, and now that I know I don’t want to be a web designer anymore, I feel like I’ve lost myself. I’ve completely frozen.

While I’m happy to be rid of that horrible job, I can’t seem to make a decision. I can’t seem to move forward. I’ve been spending my days doing laundry, doing dishes, writing articles for Freaking Bookworm, watching episode after episode of Grey’s Anatomy, and playing Plants VS Zombies. While my goal for Freaking Bookworm is to make some kind of income, I have yet to bring in any income from my book review blog. (Hell, my Amazon store has only just gotten four clicks… and I set it up a couple of months ago.) Don’t get me wrong. I’m having a lot of fun writing over there, but it’s not a job. Not yet, anyway. Right now, I need a job. I’m twenty-two years old. I have a student loan to pay off. I also don’t want to live with my parents for too much longer. (Mike and I really, really miss the privilege of privacy.)

I keep thinking about going back to school. The problem is, every time I think about going back to school, it’s something different. Last time I actually went back to school, I went for Elementary Education and Creative Writing. I ended up so stressed out and sick — as in, a horrible pain flareup — that I dropped out. The next time I started thinking about school again, I thought about just majoring in Creative Writing. When things started going badly with my aunt, I thought about just going for Early Childhood Education. After that, I thought about getting my ABA and becoming an aid for students with special needs. And, most recently, I’ve been thinking about getting my Bachelor’s in Journalism (probably because of the Millennium trilogy). On October 23rd, 2009, I promised myself that I would learn to not overload myself, that I wouldn’t jump into anything again without really thinking about it first. And yet, I seem to keep trying to jump into things. I restrain myself, yes, but I keep trying.

Almost two years later, I still don’t know why I’m sick. I know that stress makes my flareups and symptoms during “remissions” much, much worse. I know that I have to go easy on myself. Even though I fought hard to keep my (horrible) full-time job, I have to admit that working eight hours a day, five days a week was taking its toll on me. And that was a desk job. I wasn’t even doing physical labor! You could say that, okay, it was mental labor, but still. It should not have tired me out so badly that I went home almost every day and either laid in bed or stared at my laptop screen until it was time to pick Mike up from work. Even ignoring all of the bullshit in that job, it was still taking a toll on my health. I hate admitting it, and I certainly wasn’t going to admit it to them, but now I have to admit it. I have to admit it because I want to move forward, and in order to move forward, I have to be completely honest with myself.

So, no, going to school full-time and working part- or full-time is not at all an option — even if I did know that I really, really wanted to go to school for something. If I did know what I wanted, I’d have to work part-time and go to school part-time.

Unfortunately, I don’t know.

Another option I’ve been thinking about is getting a part-time job and spending the other part of my time writing novels and stories (as in, finishing Sade on the Wall and getting an agent for it), and writing for Freaking Bookworm. That kind of life really appeals to me. It’s incredibly, incredibly appealing.

The only problem with that plan is… I’d really, really like for Mike and me to have our own place. He moved in last August. We’d planned on moving out sometime around now. Maybe, if I work really hard, I could make a part-time job, my writing, and my book blog equal the income I would need for us to have our own place.

I could very, very easily get another job as a web designer, where I’d make at least the same amount of money I was making at my previous job. I just don’t want to.

So, I just don’t know.

It’s times like these that I miss being a kid and having a grownup tell me what to do. Now would be a really good time for the grownups to step in.

For a quickie post, this thing has a lot of tags

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Is this week over yet?! I’m glad tomorrow is Wednesday and all, but it needs to be Friday. There is a bottle of alcohol with my name on it. (I haven’t yet decided whether that bottle is whiskey or vodka.)

My goal tonight is to get my ass in bed early, but I really wanted to stop in here and say hi. I feel kind of bad that I’ve been paying more attention to Freaking Bookworm lately. (More on that soon! My dreams are coming true!) If you’ll excuse my laziness, here is an update… in bullets!

  • I had allergy testing done yesterday. It turns out that the crazy, all-over itching probably has more to do with my cat than the Mystery Autoimmune Disease. I am allergic to everything – including my cat — except dogs. It fucking figures that I’m a cat person and am allergic to cats, and am not a dog person but don’t have a problem with them. I actually had no idea that I was allergic to my baby. The proof is in the weal that is still on my arm. The biggest weals are ragweed and birch tree, though.
  • I attempted Jillian Michaels’s 30 Day Shred: Level 1 last night with Sandy, and discovered that it is definitely not for people with joint pain. It’s too fast paced, too intense, and today I am paying the price in all of my muscles and joints. I’m gonna stick to crunches from here on out, and try to go for a walk every day. I’ve been staying away from garbage snacks, though. Apple cinnamon rice cakes are my crack.
  • I’m kind of afraid that I can’t hold a full-time job. My symptoms are affecting me more than I thought they would when I signed my contract. The Inflammatory Bowel Syndrome, fatigue, and pain are kicking my ass. Right now I struggle to get through those eight hours, and by the time I get home I’m exhausted. I’ve been putting whatever energy I have left into Freaking Bookworm, and then collapsing into bed. I can absolutely not afford to go to bed at midnight and get up at six in the morning anymore. Today I came home, slathered myself in Icy Hot, popped a Tramadol, and lay in bed reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo for hours.
  • Sandy is organizing a team for a kidney walk in honor of her little guy, Konner. The name is Team Konner. If you can, please donate to Team Konner. If we are Facebook friends, you can contribute to my fundraising goal, but either way, the donations go to the Kidney Foundation for research. I thank you in advance.

That’s really it, for now. I do have news on the other thing, but basically it’s just a surgery date; we don’t know anything new in terms of how bad it is. I’m still waiting until I know for sure that all of my family members are up to date before I go talking about it on the internet. Thank you all for your understanding and support.

I hope you are all well. I tried to play catchup on Twitter today. I miss you all!

PS: Go check out my Freaking Book Club! We just finished Nana volume 1, and are now reading The Almost Moon by Alice Sebold. It’s free and it’s fun! (At least, I’m having fun!)