Tag Archives: friends

My nails are clubbing, and not the good kind

Posted on by
5

This morning I noticed that my index fingernail looked kind of… weird. What the fuck did I do to it? I wondered. Shortly after, I realized that the same fingernail on my other hand looked the same — as if the nail had arched into an hourglass shape on its own. I looked at my other fingernails and they all looked fine… except for both of the index fingers’ nails.

My right index fingernail

My right index fingernail

The photo is kind of blurred — you can thank my Kodak software, which deleted the nice, clean photos Mike took, when I transferred them to my laptop, so now I just have the ones I took on my own with my BlackBerry — but you can still see the clubbing.

Fingernail clubbing

Fingernail clubbing

Okay, this one is clearer, and you can see it a lot better.

Anyway, when I first noticed it this morning, I tried to ignore it. I made it all the way to the end of my work day, and then I broke down and did some sleuthing on Google. It turns out that my fingernail “deformity” is a medical condition called fingernail clubbing. I only figured it out after Googling “nail deformities” or something like that, and found this slideshow. Obviously, my case is not as bad as the image they use, but the description fits. As soon as I read “clubbing is also associated with inflammatory bowel disease,” I went into SUPER GOOGLE MODE and Googled “nail clubbing.” I learned that:

  • nail clubbing is not painful (so at least there’s that)
  • it could be a whole lot worse than the case I have
  • it’s a definite sign of something going bananas in my body — most likely inflammatory bowel disease

Since Inflammatory Bowel Disease is caused by Rheumatoid Arthritis, I’m guessing that this is just a happy little chain reaction. I always knew that you could see your general health in your fingernails, but damn. As the day has done on, the clubbing has gotten worse, and is now in most of my fingernails. I have a feeling it’s going to get worse… but as sick as this might sound, I’m hoping it does; come Monday, if it’s still there, I’m calling out of work and calling my rheumatologist. I cannot wait until Thursday when I see my gastroenterologist. This could be a very important piece of the puzzle, though I might not like the final answer.

I’ve accepted that this is all my reality. For the past two weeks, I have been in nonstop pain (except, of course, when I take my medications). I have spent an awful lot of time laying in bed. Last night, I finally broke down in tears as I drove to pick up Mike from work. I’m tired, and I’m tired of being in pain. I’m tired of popping pills to try to alleviate said pain. I am on a 24/7 pill schedule (which I created through trial and error last weekend).

At 6:30am, I wake up to my alarm. It takes me almost ten minutes to get out of bed most mornings, because I’m so stiff. Usually, taking Tramadol and Tylenol Extra Strength the night before helps with the morning stiffness. (Please, please do not hold back your morning stiffness jokes in the comments. I could use the inappropriate giggles.) When I finally make it out of bed and into the bathroom, I take a Skelaxin. Skelaxin only works for the first half of the day (though I am still experimenting with the timing of the second dose). Later on at night, I take my Tramadol/Tylenol cocktail. If I take it too close to my last dose of Skelaxin, I get really fucking dizzy and physically cannot be vertical. (There’s a joke in there. I’m leaving it up to you, dear readers. Comment away!)

I go to sleep shortly after, and then I wake up in the morning and do it all over again.

It is fucking exhausting.

But here we are. I have finally accepted this as reality. My Mystery Autoimmune Disease is kicking my ass. I’m terrified that I’m going to end up unable to work a job where I leave the house and work in an office for eight hours. This entire last week has been hell. My feet have been too swollen to wear regular shoes, like sneakers, so I’ve been wearing my Nike sandals. I don’t know if it’s because the joints are swollen or what, but about an hour into wearing anything other than my Nike sandals, I have to get my feet the hell out of those shoes — as if I’ve been standing on them all day. Top that with intense joint pain 24/7, and fatigue, and the Inflammatory Bowel issues, and by the end of my work day, I’m completely spent. You wanna talk about being out of spoons? Every day this week, I’ve had two or three spoons a day. Today I actually felt good. I was still in pain, of course, and constipated, but the pain was a 3/10 instead of a 7/10 or 10/10 or 100/10 (like last night). Even then, eight o’clock smacked me in the face with a good dose of fatigue.

I have been trying for days to write about this, and kept hitting a wall. (Yesterday, I didn’t even try. I just laid in bed watching Batman Beyond.) This afternoon, while driving home, I accepted this as my reality. Like my mom said, tomorrow this flareup could be over and I could feel kinda normal. I hate to say it, but I feel like normal of four years ago is far behind me, and that the only thing ahead of me is illness — nail clubbing and all.

But I’m not just going to give up. I might not be able to get better like you can with a sinus infection or the flu, but I can hold on to my dreams. I can hold on to the fact that I have a man who loves me so much that he will lead me to my bed when my medications overlap, tuck me in, and do everything I would normally do — like save my blog drafts before shutting down my laptop, move my comics to a safe place so that Squirt doesn’t mistake them for chew toys, and get my earplugs — so that I can avoid being vertical and falling over. I can hold on to the fact that my cat comforts me when I’m in agony. I can hold on to the fact that I have awesome family and friends (both off- and online).

I have to admit, I never thought this disease would take me to a day where I’d have to stay in bed, but I’ve found that this is my reality more and more. Fortunately, I have a nice collection of DVDs and books for those days when I just have to stay in bed.

Shit that pisses me off: Weird dreams and chronic pain edition

Posted on by
6

I’ve always wanted to make a list of the shit that’s currently pissing me off, but never did because it somehow feels douche-y. Still, sometimes you just need to rant, so here we are.

I don’t understand why the new year starts in January. It’s confusing. It should start in March. Hear me out. We get winter starting at the end of the year, and it overlaps into the beginning of the year. So, if we want to refer to the winter of a particular year, how do we do that? If I say “Winter 2011,” am I talking about the winter in the beginning of the year, or the winter at the end of the year?

Our cats have been living together for over a year now and the fat one is still traumatizing my little one. After I spent the whole morning yesterday cleaning up puke, piss, and shit because Apollo wouldn’t let Squirt leave the corner to use the litter box, I felt like wringing his little neck. I told my mom when she got home from work. We said how we wished that the dining room door closed, and a little while later she rigged the dining room door with a bungee cord so that he can’t get in. She’s a smart cookie.

Since Mom rigged the door and we’ve been keeping the cats separated, I’ve seen a complete change in Squirt. She’s much more relaxed. She even purred at a normal volume last night when I was petting her. I also saw her use the litter box for the first time in a year without a hassle.

Apparently, pulling the bungee cord around the doorknob is too hard for my dad and sister, because they keep complaining about it. My dad also keeps complaining that this isn’t going to help them get along. They are never going to get along. It’s been over a year. If they were going to get along, they would have already started to. They are both the type of cat that has to be a single pet. Again, let me remind you that I cleaned up puke, piss, and shit all morning, and that every night they fight right over my head because her food is right near the head of my bed, and he doesn’t let her eat. If keeping the peace in the house means that we have to loop a bungee cord around the doorknob every time we go in and out, who cares? But I have a feeling that when I leave for Kaylene’s birthday party and then come home, the dining room door is going to be open and it’s going to be the same shit all over again because no one cares.

I don’t understand why we can’t all just be consistent. Aside from this, I’m the only one who ever punishes him for going after her. Mom puts him in the bathroom sometimes, but I’m the only one who sprays him with the water bottle and tries to teach him to listen to the word “NO.” It’s so frustrating.

I’m sick of being broke. I want to not worry about gas and lunch. I want to go out with friends I haven’t seen in a long time. I want friends who stopped inviting me out because I’m always broke to invite me out again. I want to pay off my bills and the debt that’s been stacking up. I want to start saving money for a place with Mike. I want to fix my car up so that it’s in top condition. I want to buy birthday presents for the birthdays I’ve missed so far: Kaylene’s, Lauren’s, and Mike’s mom’s. I cannot wait until March 4th, when I get my first full check.

I wish some of my so-called friends would get serious about our friendship. We make plans, they break them. I try to get in touch, they don’t call me back. I need someone to talk to, they just talk about themselves. Something important happens to them, they don’t tell me. (But when something bad happens to them, oh, you can bet they’re calling or texting or BBMing or emailing me to cry or vent about it!) I can honestly only think of one friend right now who has always been serious about our friendship. That friend? Is a guy. Maybe I am approaching this whole friendship thing wrong, and need to only be friends with guys.

I dreamed about SEO last night, and kept waking up over and over thinking, “I’ve got to remember that!”, only to forget two seconds later. The night before, I dreamed about spiders crawling on me. Before these last two nights, I had a couple of good nights of sleep, but before that I wasn’t really sleeping at all. Sleep hates me. I think my body hates me. I don’t know why I dreamed about SEO last night. It’s not like I had to work today! Maybe I’m stressing out a little about work. I do feel some pressure, but I didn’t think it was bothering me that much. Ugh.

My neck and shoulders have been stiff and sore for a week now, and my lower back has been aching for three or four days. All of my joints have been joining this aching chorus, too. I guess it’s stress, but it’s driving me crazy. There’s only so much Extra Strength Tylenol I can take before I have to give it a rest. Plus, really, no one likes being in pain all the time.

I guess that’s it for now. I need to go get ready for my goddaughter’s birthday party. She turned six on the ninth. Time really flies!

What’s really pissing you off right now?

My head split open, I threw up… and then I found my Christmas spirit

Posted on by
6

I found my Christmas spirit. I was laying in bed the other night, pretty much dying of a migraine, when I realized I have a lot of people who love me: my mom made me ice packs and stroked my hair while I cried like a two-year-old who has skinned her knee, Mike tucked me into bed before he went to work, my dad sacrificed the TV so that my brain would stop feeling like it was swelling, and my cat snuggled up with me as if to keep watch. With all of that love, who cares whether I’m broke! Sounds magical, right? There was also throwing up and screaming. Trust me, it was not up to Disney standards. It was only my fourth migraine, but I swear each one is worse than the last.

Definitely puts things in perspective.

Apparently I’ve also never mentioned them to my mom before, so she wants me to tell Pam (my PA for those of you who are new) next time I see her. It may or may not have anything to do with the Mystery Autoimmune Disease, but they could probably give me good drugs for the next one — and there will almost definitely be a “next one.” I spent from 4:30 Wednesday night to most of Thursday in bed; even though I woke up and only a small, threatening headache remained, I was completely exhausted and decided what I needed most was rest.

Then, last night, I risked having another massive headache by going out and getting completely sloshed with a bunch of friends for Sandy‘s birthday. (I am so grateful to her for buying my drinks. I’m definitely getting her an awesome birthday/Christmas present.) I was so drunk that, when I woke up this morning before the sun was even up, I was still drunk, and when I woken up again around eight, I was tipsy. I woke up again at noon and was fine, though, so I guess I’m pretty lucky. I’ve only been hungover once and I intend to keep it that way, but last night I guess I tried pretty hard to get one! I know my limit, though, and stopped after… five drinks and two shots: two orange juices with Peach Tree and vodka, two shots of raspberry chocolate wine, and three vodka collinses. Eep. Yeah, I’m pretty damn lucky!

Oh well. I figure, I’m twenty-two, and pretty much have to do this. I enjoy it and enjoy the company. Our group always has a blast.

So yeah, if you see a video of me singing “Wannabe” with a couple of hot chicks, don’t be surprised. I was way too drunk to say no when Jess suggested it!

Depression is a snowball

Posted on by
9

Today I started Christmas shopping. Mike is letting me borrow a little bit of money so that I can actually buy everyone gifts. When I say I’m broke, I mean I am broke. I don’t have a single spare dollar to my name. I even have to borrow money from him so that I can pay an upcoming bill — and usually I have enough money budgeted out so that even “next month’s” bills are taken care of. I have paychecks coming in; I just don’t know when.

So, I’m broke.

Luckily, I have an awesome boyfriend who is making extra money working third shift. I’d be completely screwed without him right now. I cannot even tell you how difficult it is to swallow my pride and ask for money when, since I was sixteen, I’ve been making my own money to buy what I want (and some of what I need; my parents still feed me, and even when I was working as a teenager, still bought me food, clothes, and stuff). My mom is going to help me with medical bills and expenses, but otherwise, I’ve got nothing. I feel really bad asking Mike for anything. I mean, I know we’re a team, and I know I’d help him if he needed it — and have helped him in the past — but it still sucks. I like being independent. Hell, I guess you could say I’m kind of addicted to it, and super stubborn.

So yes, it’s been bothering me that Mike is the only one putting gas into my car, and that he’s been supporting both of our cigarette habits (though I have definitely cut way down on smoking), and that he’s buying everyone’s Christmas gifts. It bothers me that even if I had felt good enough to go out last Friday night, I still couldn’t have, because going out costs money — even at the cheapest bar in town. And yes, it bothers me that I can’t go out this coming Friday, but what am I supposed to do? There’s nothing I can do. Even if all of my clients paid their invoices and put them in the mail this week, I will not be able to get paid until the end of the month.

When that happens? I will pay Mike back. I will take him out to dinner for being so wonderful. I will go out with my friends and buy a round of drinks to say “Happy Birthday.” I will book an appointment at the spa for a motherfucking massage because I’ve been so stressed out, I fucking deserve one.

Also? The score is now: flareup 16, me 3. I am pretty sure the itchy bumps on the back of my right hand are another rash. Either that, or I got bit by a spider. (Please, please let them be spider bites.) The rash on my chin is definitely bigger. It’s not too itchy anymore, though. It’s just annoying, knowing it’s there; everyone else swears they don’t notice it, but I do.

I am not feeling very Christmasy at all.

To top it off, every time I think of shopping, I think of how there is one less person on my list this year.

Popi.

It all just keeps adding up.

Just another Thanksgiving list

Posted on by
2

As much as I’ve been whining lately, I have a lot to be thankful for.

I have two sweet cats (even though they aren’t so sweet to each other). I have a printer that does print (even though it is mentally challenged), and a laptop, both of which I use to write stories. Which reminds me — I am thankful that I have the ability to put my thoughts and feelings and imagination into words.

I have an awesome sister who is my best friend, and an awesome best friend who is like a sister. I have a beautiful family: my mom, dad, sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I have a boyfriend who fits me completely.

I also have a mouth, which can taste and chew and eat (pleasepleaseplease let 2:00 tomorrow come quickly)! I have a body that may be diseased, but does allow me — roadblocks and all — to do what I love , and I am so thankful for that.

I have a great group of friends, both online and offline. I have a job that, although it can be stressful, I love, and allows me to work from home, during my own hours. I am so thankful that I don’t have to get up early in the morning, that I can work in my pajamas or sweats, and take as many breaks as I want, so that I can rest when I need to.

I have a beautiful niece and beautiful godchildren.

I have so much good in my life that, when I lump it all together, it far outweighs the bad.

And that is what I’m most thankful for.

What are you thankful for?