Tag Archives: growing up

How I Changed and Yet Stayed the Same

Posted on by
4

I realized the other day that I’ve come full circle and simultaneously grown. Bear with me here. When I was a kid, I was the three Ss: sweet, sensitive, and shy. I barely spoke to anyone in school. I spent almost all of my free time reading everything I could get my hands on, playing with stuffed animals, baby dolls, Barbies, and action figures, and writing various newsletters and magazines that only family read. I wasn’t the most popular kid, but I got along with my classmates pretty well. Little by little, though, a few of them singled me out and started picking on me. It was probably normal, but it bothered me a lot, mostly because everything that wasn’t Lisa Frank and teddy bears bothered me. By the time I got to seventh grade, though, I was being straight up harassed by these people, and it seemed there was nothing I could do to stop the verbal and physical abuse… until I taught myself how to seem like a badass.

I pretended to be tough. I adopted the attitudes of those who tormented me; while I didn’t make fun of anyone or hurt anyone, I used the same tough talk and gave myself a makeover to blend in with them. Any time someone hurt me verbally or physically, I exploded verbally at them. Luckily, I grew out of adding twenty gallons of gel to my hair and wearing huge silver hoop earrings, but somewhere along the line I stopped pretending to be a spitfire and became one. It became such an automatic defense that, before I knew it, I jumped down people’s throats all the time, without even knowing it.

There’s still a little bit of that in me, but it’s mostly just died down from “hazardous” to “feisty.” I’m now a lot like who I was before being bullied ruined me. I’m working on the sensitivity thing — news pieces about children being murdered still send me straight to the floor in tears — and I’m working on controlling my temper — any time I’m overexhausted, I tend to lose patience really quickly — but I’ve simultaneously managed to figure out who I am and get back in touch with who I was. I’m living a lot more positively now. This doesn’t change the fact that I battle clinical depression or still occasionally have problems with my self-esteem, but it helps make those things more manageable. Five years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to turn around a bad day at all, but now my “bad days” usually only last just a couple of bad hours.

I’ve been feeling for months that I’ve been changing, and though most of the time feeling that change kind of scared me, I really, really like this person I’ve become.

What’s the biggest change you’ve noticed in yourself lately?

Birthday #22 recap

Posted on by
4

Thanks for all of the birthday wishes! I had a good weekend. I definitely missed my sister, but the rest of my family kept me occupied. On Saturday, we did a cookout up at the lake (the seasonal campground my grandparents have had a site at since before I was born). I chose the lake because it was one of Popi’s favorite places to be, and I feel closest to him there. Noni made me spignata, which is an Italian layered bread, with salt, pepper, rosemary, and garlic between each layer. It’s my favorite thing that she makes, and I wanted it specifically because I hadn’t had it in a long time. We did hamburgers, hotdogs, ribs, and macaroni and green salads, too, and then we had ice cream cake. We all agreed that Friendly’s ice cream cake is better than Carvel’s.

After we stuffed ourselves, I opened my presents. I got lots of money, which I plan on putting toward new clothes* and some treats**. I also got a gift card to Victoria’s Secret, which I really needed***.

Nana, Aunt Elyne, and Kate left before it got dark. Noni, Aunt Wendy, Vin, Mike, Mom, Dad, Biz Noni, Aunt Barbara, and I all stayed overnight (Biz Noni and Aunt Barbara’s site is right next to Noni’s). I attempted to make a vodka collins and failed; Smirnoff vodka really sucks unless you’re using it for mixed drinks. (You know, the ones you can barely taste the alcohol in. Sigh.) Mike and I got into a relatively stupid fight (but talked things out the next morning and throughout the next day). Dad built a really big fire, and we all just hung out until we were tired. I also ended up crying like a five-year-old on Aunt Wendy’s shoulder because I really missed Popi, but I still had a good night.

Sitting around the fire, 08/28/2010

Sitting around the fire, 08/28/2010

The next day, we had a huge breakfast after Dad and Vinny got back from fishing. A bee ended up stealing my pancakes and eating my syrup, so I mostly ate bacon****. Then Dad went to go visit one of his childhood friends who now camps there, too, while the rest of us went down to the water for a swim. The water was a little cool but very refreshing. Mike and I talked some more while I floated around, and things were worked out.

I’m proud of us; we’re learning to communicate better and to recognize when we are overreacting. Everyone — I don’t care who you are — picks stupid fights, and it’s important to talk even when you think you’re overreacting, or when you think the other person is being unfair. I realized years ago that I tend to pick fights for no reason, and have been making a huge effort lately to ask myself, Is this really that important to me? before I open my mouth. (I have a hard time thinking before acting.)

Like a good wine, we just keep getting better and better.

And speaking of, tomorrow is our four year anniversary. When I stop and think about it, four years isn’t really a long period of time — but it is a long time to be with someone, and it also feels like we’ve been together forever. We know each other really well. In some ways, I think we know each other better than we know ourselves, which has helped me learn more about myself. We have come a long way from the uncertain beginning we had.

I just realized that I got way off track here, so I’ll write more about us tomorrow. :D

Anyway, we spent most of Sunday up at the lake. Aunt Wendy and Vin left shortly before we had an early dinner, and Mom and Dad left just before dark. Mike and I would have left then, too, but he saw the sun setting over the lake and thought it would be romantic to go watch it. Noni had suggested we watch the sunset the night before, saying that she and Popi used to all the time. I think that was when he had his headphones on and I was annoyed with him, so we ended up not going, hahaha. But we did go last night, and it was beautiful. I ended up taking him on the trail to the old root cellar — what we kids always called The Cave. There’s a little shore there with a great view of one side of the lake, and that’s where we sat, talking about the future.

For all of the times we get on each other’s nerves, we have at least ten good “moments” or days.

We left after walking back up to the site and kissing Noni goodnight, trying to beat the sun setting completely. We made it… sort of. We ended up missing the exit to get on the next route, getting off the expressway (which ended right after the exit), getting back on, and jumping on the next route… in the wrong direction. Luckily, we were able to find what we thought might be a shortcut, but naturally we ended up sitting on 84 in Hartford because they decided Sunday while people were driving back from weekend getaways was a good time to do night paving. We just sat there listening to music and laughing at our luck, which if you know me is funny, because I have no patience for traffic. Although, I should add that I did make a few comments, so I’m still me. I think I’m growing as a person, but Mike says he’s just rubbing off on me. (I’M GROWING AS A PERSON, DAMMIT!)

By the time we got back and hit the bank, we were too tired to do anything else. I made us scrambled eggs and toast, and then we went to bed.

Operation Twenty-Two was a success! I had a good time, with good people. And oddly enough, I slept better in the air mattress in the tent Saturday night than I did in my own bed last night. This tells me my mattress sucks.

*As soon as I lose more weight, I’m treating myself to a new wardrobe. A couple of people told me I look like I’ve lost some weight this weekend, and I managed to squeeze myself into my size seven jeans Thursday night before going to the bar with my friend Sean.

**I desperately need some new CDs, and I want to get a pair of boots, and maybe some DVDs (I still need Firefly, and Dollhouse comes out October 12th)!

***GIRLS ONLY post about this coming soon!

****Seriously. The little fucker refused to get off of my plate, and I’m too chicken to swat at bees anyway, so he had an easy victory.

How to start a girl band

Posted on by
6

Everything we learned about music, we learned from TLC and the Spice Girls. When deciding on our “band’s” name, my cousin Kate, my sister Lauren, and I chose “The Bomb Girls” because it was close enough to the Spice Girls to get us some recognition, but different enough so that no one could say we had copied them.

Our key instrument was a tiny Casio keyboard with pre-programmed techno music on it, and our voices that could easily rival Chili’s and Scary Spice’s. Every song we wrote had to have a rap in it, and our stage names had to be carefully chosen to go along with our band name.

“You’ll be Baby Bomb,” my cousin told my sister, who is the youngest.

“I want to be Hot Bomb!” I yelled, before Kate could claim the name first.

“That’s fine. I want to be Cool Bomb,” Kate said.

Lauren said, “I don’t want to be Baby Bomb.”

“You’re the youngest,” Kate reasoned. “So you’re Baby Bomb.”

“I want to be Cool Bomb,” my sister said.

I was elated. I got to be Hot Bomb, which would obviously catapult me to the star of the band. I could see it now. The whole family would be blown away by my amazing voice, songwriting skills, and of course, my beauty. Boys from school would fall all over themselves trying to get next to Hot Bomb.

My cousin and sister went back and forth over Lauren’s new stage name, and I managed to back my cousin up a little while daydreaming. After a few minutes, Lauren reluctantly adopted her new name, and we got down to the business of songwriting.

At the time, my cousin lived with our moms’ aunt, our Aunt Karen, and our moms’ sister, our Aunt Rikki. It must have been some kind of holiday because the entire family was gathered downstairs while we put together our new band up in Kate’s room while listening to Crazy Sexy Cool. It seemed that within minutes we had a couple of songs written and were rehearsing them so that we could perform our first concert downstairs.

Now I don’t know what to do
I’ll leave you
I don’t understand

I had this. I was the best Bomb Girl and singer ever, and I couldn’t wait to get this show on the road. I followed Kate down the stairs, with Lauren behind me, and we found Aunt Karen and asked her for her microphones. We gathered the family, set up our keyboard and turned on our music, and got ready to start.

Kate — Cool Bomb — was the group rapper, I was the singer, and Lauren — Baby Bomb — would jump in on the chorus, along with Cool Bomb. We were also supposed to dance.

The music beat in my ears, our family’s eyes were glued on all of us, and suddenly the room was very small and way too hot.

No, no, no, I can’t do this, I thought, looking from our family to Cool Bomb to Baby Bomb and back to the microphone in my hand. Kate looked at me expectantly. It was my turn to sing.

I shook my head and started backing away.

“Come on,” she and our family said. “Come on!”

“I’m not singing by myself,” I told my groupmates. “I just can’t do it!”

“Fine,” Cool Bomb said, and did my part. The three of us did the choruses.

Although the Bomb Girls wrote about a dozen more songs — and I think may have even recorded a couple in my bedroom with a crappy kiddie recorder — I knew then that my career as a diva wasn’t going to happen. It would be a good thirteen years before I could bring myself to sing in front of people again — and that was only under the influence of alcohol. I don’t even need a drop of alcohol to get up in front of people now, but poor little Hot Bomb just couldn’t take the heat.

Staycation's over, now back to the real world!

Posted on by
4

Sometimes, I really hate being an adult. Like when you have to keep your mouth shut even though you are being treated like shit. Or when you make an expensive mistake and have to pay for it, as opposed to when you were a kid and the grownups would be like, “It’s okay, no problem.” And how about the times when you really just want to curl up and cry, but there are too many people watching? Let’s not forget the big, life changing decisions you have to make on your own.

But life goes on, right?

Anyway, my staycation was really good. I spent every possible second with my family, especially since my cousin Mindy came to visit from Pennsylvania. I ignored my blog, Facebook, and (mostly) Twitter. Honestly, I can’t really say I missed it all that much. I’m starting to care less about the internet. (It’s not you — really!) I’ve just started to realize that there are more important things. I’m not really planning on deleting stuff, but I don’t really see myself being as much of a junkie as I was before the last ten or so days.

I wrote another blog post earlier, but can’t post it yet because it’s something I want to discuss with my parents before I talk to you guys about it. But don’t worry, everything’s good. I’ll talk to you all later!

Getting my shit together

Posted on by
Reply

I am officially all set for school. My first class is Tuesday, September 1st. I could outline all of the crap I had to do to get everything squared away, but it’s exhausting even to me so I’ll just stick with “all set.” Heh.

I’m a little nervous, but I’m also really excited about this new path in front of me. I’m mainly nervous because it’s a bigger campus — a lot bigger — and I think I will go crazy if I get lost there ever again. (I’d like to say I won’t ever get lost again, but I will. Believe me. I will. I’ve already decided that both the university and the town of New Haven have it in for me.) I’m also a little nervous about double-majoring, but I’ve decided I’m not going to let it get to me. I am, after all, the kind of person who has to have more than one thing to focus on. I get bored way too quickly. So I have to give myself a lot of different things to stimulate myself with. This, of course, contributes to [my workaholic problem], but I’ll think about that tomorrow. (You get a cookie if you can comment and tell me where that reference is from!)

I’m excited, though, because it’s a new beginning. I have a million things that I want to do and experience, and maybe I’m jumping the gun on some of them but who cares. It’s my life, and I get to enjoy it however I want. I always wanted to be a teacher and to be a writer, and then I found and fell in love with web design. I also, of course, am married to my Letters of Love project. Who says I can’t do it all? (Maybe my mental health, but I’ll think about that tomorrow.)

Next on my agenda is finishing up my car (she still needs new struts and mounts, some stuff to install my stereo, and something is wrong with my back right brake), and then once that’s all set I want to start saving for an apartment. I keep bouncing back and forth between continuing to live with my parents in my current very crowded living situation, getting my own place, and getting a place with Mike. Some days I feel like getting a place with Mike is the best choice, and other days I feel like I should stay with my parents until I finish my Bachelor degrees. Some days I just want a place all to myself. It all depends on my mood (which has always been the case, making decision-making very difficult on my end). I still need to figure out what I want to do, but I know I can’t continue to live with as many people as I’m living with. I love my family dearly but I have no space of my own, which makes it very hard to live. I know that I should be grateful — and I am, believe me — but it’s still rough. It’s hard when I want to work or sleep, or even when I just want to be by myself. It just doesn’t work that way in my house. I try not to complain, because I know the alternative would have been a shelter or the street, but some days it’s harder to deal with than others.

At any rate, I want to get my priorities in order and start really taking care of myself. I haven’t been the happiest lately, and I want to change that. I just have to figure out how.

It’s a huge relief that school is all set, even though it kind of sucks to have loans hanging over my head. The good news is, I don’t have to pay them until after I graduate. The bad news? I have a lot of very heavy books, so I’m sure you’ll soon hear me bitching that my neck and back hurt from carrying them around!

What about you? What would you like to do to improve your life and yourself? Tell me in the comments!