How I inspire people to make babies

Karaoke night, from two weeks ago. Last night I went to the Berlin Station Cafe for karaoke again with Kate, and this time Mike came along. Poor Mike looked traumatized every time someone other than me, Kate, or a few other people sang, and he kept getting frustrated because they didn’t have any of the songs he wanted to do. (My love is quite picky when it comes to music. It’s a good thing I’m a decent singer, or else I’d be afraid of singing in front of him!)

I didn’t tweet at all this time because I was too busy singing song after song, getting mauled by strangers who wanted to adopt me, and laughing at Mike’s horrified facial expressions during songs where people who were just having fun did songs he really liked and ruined them. Ah, good times, good times.

I did the following songs:

  • “Head Over Feet” — Alanis Morissette
  • “Going Under” — Evanescence
  • “I Turn To You” — Christina Aguilera

I was going to do “Fallin’” by Alicia Keys, too, but we left a little early so that Kate could get up for work in the morning. I feel like I did another song, too, but I can’t think of what it was.

Kate did:

  • “Mercy” — Duffy
  • “Sweet Child o’ Mine” — Guns N Roses
  • “No More (Baby I’ma Do Right)” — 3LW

and I think she did another one, too, but again, brain isn’t awake enough right now to put it all together.

Mike just cheered us on, sipped my beer while I got drunk, and made this adorably traumatized face when some guy did Disturbed, some lady did Evanescence, and a couple of guys did Snoop Dogg. (Kate and I were amused; we take karaoke seriously enough to do songs in our range, but we both seem to thoroughly enjoy watching other people, whether they’re good or bad.)

As Mike drove us back home (Kate lives twenty minutes away from me), I sang “Fallin’” because in my drunken mind, I was gonna get that song out of my system, dammit. Then I sang “Delayed Devotion” by Duffy. I started to sing something else, and then got sidetracked because we started talking. Or, well, he started talking. Then I started talking with him because I’m ADHD like that.

Altogether it was a fun night. I really like the bar, and even though it’s quite a ride away from my house, I think it’s worth it. I like it so much, in fact, that it’s in my novel. (I mean, I’ve only been to like five bars in my life, so that qualifies me to decide on a bar now.) I really like the atmosphere, the people, and the all-you-can-drink for $10 special (you get any of the drafts and the first row of hard alcohol, which is mostly vodka, but whatever, I love vodka). It pays off once you’ve had a few beers, and now that I’ve been drinking a couple weekends in a row again, I can drink more than a couple beers before I’m sloshed. Heh.

Ahead of me this weekend now is more writing, some work on a client’s website, some research for another client’s social media marketing plan, my Colts game against the Ravens (should be good, too bad I have to miss most of it), and a baby shower for Mike’s brother (which is smack in the middle of my game). We got the baby some cute stuff though, and a few things that I think Robbie and Jaysa will really, really appreciate. I realized as Mike and I were shopping that I know entirely too much about raising a child for my age.

“It’s because you have so many friends with kids,” he said.

“Yeah, I know,” I said. It’s just weird, being surrounded by people with kids and still not being in The Mom Club. Believe me, I know my time will come, but in the meantime it’s a little awkward. Still, it’s nice to be able to enjoy other people’s kids without having to worry about the financial end of it or the other scary bits about parenting. Mike and I have long talked about someday having kids of our own; we both love kids and can’t wait to have our own. But we both know that we have a lot of work to do before then (so if any of my family is reading this, you guys can breathe now). Heh.

Anyway, I don’t know how I got from alcohol to babies, but this couple at the bar last night — they said they were thirty but looked a lot younger — just loved me. It was a drunken love, but it was love. They grabbed my wrist with the LOVE tattoo while I was getting a refill on my beer and both screamed at the same time. She kept telling me that she really, really wants that tattoo, except the O shaped as a heart. The next time I stood next to them waiting for a refill, they proclaimed that I am their daughter from the future, because I’m beautiful and bold enough to do karaoke. I was like, “uh, thanks,” and pretty much just squirmed while they sat there squeeing and telling me that they were gonna make a baby that night and that they hope their daughter is like me.

Hey, I guess it’s better than getting hit on by an old man at a hip hop bar.

Spam

I went to clean out my spam comments and saw this:

I like the questions! Yes i’ve seen them other places but it’s cool you gathered them all up. Ooh and I don’t think I will slit my throat thanks for the suggestion though. NOT

Since when did Russian spambots get so sarcastic? It’s got me a little worried. Next thing you know, they’ll manage to slip the spam filter entirely, and they’ll leave a comment so funny that my readers will go to their blog instead!

Why retired people would make great jurors

I got my very first jury duty summons about a week ago.

I laughed. I cried. (Especially when I found out I won’t be getting paid by my company, since I only work part-time. Though I am also self-employed, so I wonder if that might change things.) I swore a lot, too. My mom gave me several ways to get out of it (like calling the night before to see if my name is recorded on the list of people they don’t need). (Here are a few really funny ways to try and get out of jury duty!)

And then I filled out the return form like a good girl and marked the date in my planner.

The next day at work, I broke the news to my boss. “I know it’s like forever away,” I said, “but I have jury duty on the 25th. Of September. Just so ya know.”

He asked if I wanted to borrow a book to bring with me. (Wish I could remember the title! He said that when he brought it with him, they sent him home as soon as they saw it!) “Or,” he said, “you can ask if they need you when you show up. Just say, ‘look, do you really need me?’ and they might not and just send you home.”

“Hmn. I might try that. Unless it’s actually interesting.” I sighed. “Jury duty. Ugh! It should just be a profession, for people who actually like it.”

“It would make a great job for retired people,” my boss said.

I laughed. “I know, right? They watch People’s Court all day anyway!”

Five things I hate about Twitter

As addicted as I am to Twitter, there are some things about it that irk me. There are a lot of great things about the site, but here are some of the things that keep small children up at night and make dogs howl at the moon:

Spam accounts As in, porn. If I get one more “check out my naughty pics” tweet or one more follower with an avatar of a picture of some girl’s lips wrapped around some guy’s wiener, I’m going to go crazy. I initially made my account private to keep out the spam, but found that it was hurting me rather than helping me (I talk to a lot more people now)! Now I just spend a hell of a lot of time blocking these accounts, which gets on my damn nerves.

Direct messages trying to sell me something DMs saying “thanks for following, check out my website at blahblahblah” sent by some robot website every time someone follows you back are lame. I’d much rather get a REAL personal message saying something like, “please don’t follow me back, you suck,” than get one of these. It’s impersonal and I kind of take offense that you can’t be bothered to send me 140 real characters of friendly speech.

People following me for no reason These people never talk to me, have never talked to me, and never will — even when I tweet them or DM them. These people don’t even have anything in common with me. Their sole agenda is to get me to follow them back so that they can be oh-so-elite with thousands of followers. Pfft. I’m not biting.

The number game Twitter has a sort of unwritten rule: the more followers, the more popular you are. This is why people follow me for no reason (see above). I think this popularity contest is worse on Twitter than it was on MySpace. (I don’t really see it as a problem on Facebook. I’m not sure why.) I think because Twitter is so simple, people measure their success with numbers (which is natural, I guess, but still lame). It’s not lame, however, if you’re actually interacting with your followers. But if you’re just trying to look cool, go home.

Replying to my new blog post tweet, instead of commenting on my blog I know this might make me look like an ungrateful douchebag, but come on! Comments make me happy. They make me feel like I’m not talking to myself. They validate that my thoughts are worth something. Plus, when other people see comments on a blog post, they are more likely to comment themselves. It’s some weird psychological chain reaction, but it’s my chain, and you are breaking it! If you feel the need to tweet about it, how about commenting on my blog and then retweeting the post? It’s a win-win!

Strangely, I feel a lot better now.

What about you? What do you hate about Twitter? Post a comment and tell me (and maybe RT this post)!

An open letter to people who think it's okay to buy cheap, scratchy toilet paper

Dear people who think it’s okay to buy cheap, scratchy toilet paper,

IT’S NOT.

When I am forced to use your bathroom, be it restaurant, work, or home, I need to be assured that I will not walk out of your restroom with paper cuts.

One-ply toilet paper does NOT save the environment; I end up using more than I would normal toilet paper to get and feel clean enough.

If I need to blow my nose in it, I don’t want my boogers on my hands instead of on the tissue. (As does the company cokehead with a bloody nose.)

We the people deserve more! Your friends, family, and employees deserve more! YOU deserve more! You don’t have to go all out. You can buy relatively inexpensive soft or quilted toilet paper at Walmart, Target, Rite-Aid — even stores like Store 40 or 7-Eleven carry the good stuff! Open your eyes to a whole new world of comfort, and get off your damn “I wanna save money” or “I wanna save the environment” high horse. A sore tush is not worth it!

All of my hope lies within you, dear people who think it’s okay to buy cheap, scratch toilet paper. I trust that you will make the right decision.


Join the revolution! Repost or print this to encourage those too cheap to care about your bum!