Tag Archives: jude

Midnight Munchie Madness

Posted on by
3

Apparently “Jude” didn’t call me back because she drank too much and “Zeppelin” couldn’t pick me up anyway. At first I was kind of annoyed, but really, did I expect any less? I’ve come to the conclusion that in order to be friends with her, I’m going to have to deal with the way she is. I mean, I called her tonight with the intention of telling her how stressed I am, but we mostly talked about her problems. I have to either accept that this is who she is, or move on. There’s no point in talking to her about it; I’ve tried that time and time again — and of course made a big statement more recently by not talking to her at all — but it obviously doesn’t work. I love her kids like they were my own and I love her like a sister, even if that is the craziest thing in the world. A lot of people don’t understand why I’m still her friend. Sometimes, I don’t understand it either.

Anyway, have you ever noticed it’s impossible to raid the fridge after midnight and not make a lot of noise? Maybe it’s me.

After bringing Mike something to eat — he’s still working third shift — I took a shower and then proceeded to find something to snack on while I work on my Visual Basic assignments. I did really well getting the tortilla chips and salsa. I was feeling kind of proud of myself for not waking anyone up, until I went to make some Kool-Aid. I needed ice and there were two left in the tray. When I went to grab an ice cube and drop it in my water bottle, whatever is wrong with my limbs refused to cooperate and my fingers dropped the ice cube. It hit the floor with the loudest noise ever — I didn’t think ice could be that loud. I glanced at my grandparents (their room is connected to the kitchen), and Noni rolled over, glanced into the kitchen, then rolled over again and went back to sleep.

Speaking of class — yes, this post is all over the place — I got my grades for my Painting I and Crafts classes. I managed A’s in both, even though the Crafts class was a lot of work and I lost a lot of points for trivial things. Still, I survived it and did pretty well.

I should probably go do my Visual Basic labs now.

I don't want anymore, thanks

Posted on by
5

I feel like I’m at the mercy of some unseen force right now. I swear someone is using a voodoo doll on me.

Saturday night as I got home from my little cousin’s birthday party, I got some super sharp and stabbing pains in my left shoulder. They were in the same spot and only lasted a second or two, but were enough to make me scream, cry, and made my knees buckle. I went to see my new GP on Friday and the nurse practitioner there said she would set me up an appointment with a neurologist. I assumed they’d call me with an appointment later on Friday, but they didn’t. Hopefully they’ll call me Monday, because I can’t take much more of this. I want answers and treatment and relief, and I want it NOW. I am going out of my mind. I’m afraid to do anything or go out in public; can you imagine collapsing on the street or screaming in the middle of the mall? I mean, this is just getting ridiculous. Something is wrong and someone needs to help me before it gets any worse.

I’m also waiting on my college to get back to me. The math/science director still hasn’t responded to my second email, and I won’t get anything until at least Monday. I think my next step should be the Dean; I mean, it was not my mistake and I refuse to pay for the mistake of someone who gets paid to advise students. He obviously gave me the wrong advice, so why do I have to put everything on hold?

Worst of all, Mike is still working third shift. We were supposed to hang out Thursday night (because he was actually off!), but he ended up sleeping through the alarm he’d set and didn’t wake up until one in the morning. He felt bad and I felt bad, but now he won’t be off again until next Thursday. I miss him like crazy and all I want to do right now is drive down there and bang on the doors until they let me in. Then I’d kidnap him and steal him away so that I can be selfish and snuggle in his arms until we wake up. I know he misses me too but somewhere along the line I became sentimental and now I feel like I’m gonna die if I don’t get to see him soon. What happened to the hardass version of me, the one who spat at the very mention of love? Oh. Right. She was one bitter bitch.

On top of everything else, “Jude” invited me to hang out tonight — uh, Saturday night, technically. She was going to have “Zeppelin” come get me, and since I was feeling sorry for myself (because of the Chronic Arm Pains 4.0) I said maybe I shouldn’t. She said she really wanted me to come, and then when said she’d call me back in a few minutes. I assumed she was going to ask “Zeppelin” if she minded picking me up, and that since she wanted me to come over and hang out so bad she’d call me back and make sure I hadn’t changed my mind, but she never called me back. I know I can’t make her give a fuck but really. She knew I wasn’t feeling good — I burst into tears the second she said “hello” when I called her — and yet she still couldn’t be bothered to call me back. This is the shit that makes me want to tell her to have a nice life. When I need her, she never comes through. And yet, when she needs me I am always there.

I love her kids to death and even though I know she’ll pull the You Can’t See the Kids card if I try to stop being friends with her again, I don’t know what else to do. Every time we go through this, she promises to try harder and blahblahblah, but it never happens. We always end up at the same place. She claims that she cares but when it comes down to showing me she cares, she just can’t do it. There’s always something more important.

Anyway, it’s almost 3 am and my arms are killing me. I knew I’d pay for this but I needed to get shit off my chest.

Why does this feel like breaking up?

Posted on by
4

After several weeks and a lot of thinking, I called “Jude” last night and left her a voicemail. “If you want to talk, call me back.” I didn’t expect her to call me back, but she did. Her voicemail was a lot warmer than mine had been. She said to call her back after ten, when she got out of work. I worked on my paper mache for my crafts class until 10:15 and called her back.

“Okay. I don’t hate you. I do care about you, and of course I care about the kids. I just feel like you don’t give me as much as I give you,” I said, tapping ash from my cigarette into my too small ashtray. (I really wish I hadn’t thrown out the bigger one when I went on my “I’m going to quit smoking!” binge. Sigh.) Continue reading →

Hey, "Jude"

Posted on by
4

None of this is ever going to be resolved if no one is going to be honest with each other or themselves. I am tired of all of this whispery, kindergarten stuff. I am tired of no one being willing to just say what is on their minds or to admit that they’ve been wrong. It doesn’t even really frustrate me anymore. It just sucks all of my energy.

“Jude” doesn’t seem to realize that she’s done anything wrong even though I have told her time after time what my problem is with her, but none of it seems to be sinking in. She blows me off left and right for “Tommy.” She doesn’t ever listen to my problems. She has started hanging out with a bad crowd. I’ve discussed these things with her over and over. Most recently, “Zeppelin” and I picked her up and were halfway out of town to go to Big Y and Blockbuster when she made us turn around and bring her home so she could attend to “Tommy,” who didn’t want to sit around by himself with her father while she went out with her friends. But this is nothing new.

Every time I try to point these things out to her, she acts as if I’m also partially at fault. She acts as if she has only blown me off once, and acts as if I’m always too busy for her. I’ve tried to be patient. I’ve tried to tell her how she was treating me like shit. She didn’t listen. I decided to distance myself and when she finally got the hint she pulled guilt trips. She still failed to see what she had done wrong.

Worse, “Zeppelin” is letting “Jude” think that she’s not hanging out with her until “Jude” and I make up, when in reality “Zeppelin” is just as exhausted as I am. “Zep” is just as overwhelmed as I am with school, work and other stuff, so I can almost understand. She would just rather be dishonest with “Jude” and clear up everything later, while I’d rather be honest and maybe clear things up later.

I wrote pages and pages of a letter to “Jude” the other night, spelling everything out for her. I told her exactly why I can’t be friends with her anymore and how frustrating it is that she seems to not know why I’ve stopped talking to her. The truth is, there is only so much shit one person can take. There are only so many times I can just sit back and let someone stomp all over me, not showing up for plans made ahead of time or ditching me just when things are getting good. There is only so much advice I can give when someone I care about is doing something wrong and doesn’t want to hear what I have to say. I think, in all honesty, she knows everything that she is doing and has done. I think she just doesn’t want to admit it, because she would rather put the blame on someone else than see herself for what she truly is.

I am not saying that she’s entirely bad, because there have been many times when we had fun or she was there for me. It’s just not enough, when you compare how much I have given her. It’s not enough when she sends me text messages that say “I miss you” or promises to take me to a movie I don’t want to see to make up for her blowing me off. It’s especially not enough when she doesn’t even apologize for what she does.

So I am not sure what I am going to do. I don’t want to lose KTC or KRB (she’s also decided to use them against me and doesn’t want me at KRB’s birthday party next weekend). She left me a voicemail Saturday afternoon wanting to talk, but I don’t really know if I want to talk to her. I’ve got so many other things on my plate and am just so overwhelmed that I just don’t want to deal with any of this right now.

Letting it all out

Posted on by
11

To start with, my car is intent on killing me. It has a lot of weird electrical problems that can’t be fixed because there’s no telling where it’s coming from. My windshield wipers work only when they want to — as in, never. Even if I disconnect the battery — which I have to if I’m going to be somewhere for more than two hours, or else some unknown source will drain it — sometimes it still won’t start when I reconnect it. Sometimes I have to put it into Neutral before it will start. Sometimes the windows won’t go down, or the window fuse will blow. There’s more that I’m forgetting, but that’s basically it. Continue reading →