Tag Archives: katarina

Just do it, like Nike

Posted on by
4

I spent Friday afternoon on the phone with Southern (the university I’ve been trying to attend since last winter). After graduation Thursday night, I felt determined; I wanted to get everything squared away so that I could definitely start classes in the fall. All work and no school really brings some perspective into your life; I was bored as hell and I suddenly missed the papers, the homework, the fresh new notebooks waiting to be used. (Okay, so I have an addiction to office supplies. Whatever.)

As I learned last winter, doing things for myself without my mom to hold my hand was no easy task. As I got transferred further and further down the line of humorless staff, I thought more and more about giving up. I couldn’t seem to get the help I needed and every person I talked to transferred me before I could get a sentence out of my mouth.

I didn’t give up, though. I didn’t break down like I did last winter when I found out that my schedule had been dropped because I couldn’t afford the higher tuition cost. After the last two years of putting everything into school, after hearing Jon Savoy‘s inspiring speech about his fifteen year commitment to his Associates degree at commencement, I didn’t want to waste any time.

I’m going to double major, in English: Creative Writing and Elementary Education (for grades K-6). I’m probably insane, but I want to do it. I don’t care how long it takes.

Growing up, I had several great elementary school teachers who made me want to be a teacher. Every day after school and homework, my sister and I would play school. She would be the teacher for one grade, and I would be the teacher for another grade. We both played each other’s students. We used actual textbooks that our school gave to us because they didn’t use them anymore. We printed worksheets and carefully planned lessons for our imaginary students. We wrote out math problems on black- and whiteboards. We took attendance on graphing paper from our great-grandmother. I loved every minute of it.

I don’t mind helping Mike’s little brother with his math homework. I love doing it. Even when Tony gets frustrated, I still feel calm and patient — even though I am the least patient person in the world when it comes to everything else. (Kids are my weakness. Heh.) I love playing games with my little cousin Katarina and reading to her. I love helping Tony with his spelling words and his English homework. I love coloring with my goddaughter Kaylene, or explaining to Katarina the difference between an orca and a shark.

I have always kind of wanted to be a teacher, but didn’t think I could because I am already a web designer. You already have a career, I would tell myself. You can’t do everything at once. Wait a few years and see if you still want to do this. Just wait.

But I figure, why the hell not? Why not now? Why do I have to just stick to one thing? I can do it all. I can do and be anything I want.

I’m not going to rush. I don’t expect to finish in just two years (since I transferred, I expected myself to be able to completely my Bachelor’s in another two years). I refuse to put any pressure on myself. I’ll take my time, and when it’s all over I’m going to walk across that stage again — with two more degrees.

I’m all about accomplishments these days. It feels so good to finally feel alive.

The real thing

Posted on by
2

Running around on xmas really takes a toll — especially when you’re running on about two hours of sleep.

For xmas eve, Mike came over for dinner. We had all kinds of seafood: scallops, white cod fillet, some other kind of fillet, and of course the requisite pasta. Noni made lasagna for Mike, since he’s allergic to fish. We had tuna sauce, white clam sauce, some other kind of seafood white sauce, and regular sauce for Mike. Dessert was two kinds of cheesecake — the Jell-O kind and homemade baked — and apple pie. I was so full I could only manage a tiny sliver of the homemade cheesecake, and couldn’t even finish that.

Between dinner and dessert we did gifts. I gave Mom and Lauren their embroidery gifts, and Lauren Wall-E and a To Write Love On Her Arms tee shirt. (I had taken Mom to see It’s A Wonderful Life on stage in November as her gift.) Dad really liked the small First Aid kit and thermos set I got him for hunting. Mike liked his gifts, too. Continue reading →

I don't want anymore, thanks

Posted on by
5

I feel like I’m at the mercy of some unseen force right now. I swear someone is using a voodoo doll on me.

Saturday night as I got home from my little cousin’s birthday party, I got some super sharp and stabbing pains in my left shoulder. They were in the same spot and only lasted a second or two, but were enough to make me scream, cry, and made my knees buckle. I went to see my new GP on Friday and the nurse practitioner there said she would set me up an appointment with a neurologist. I assumed they’d call me with an appointment later on Friday, but they didn’t. Hopefully they’ll call me Monday, because I can’t take much more of this. I want answers and treatment and relief, and I want it NOW. I am going out of my mind. I’m afraid to do anything or go out in public; can you imagine collapsing on the street or screaming in the middle of the mall? I mean, this is just getting ridiculous. Something is wrong and someone needs to help me before it gets any worse.

I’m also waiting on my college to get back to me. The math/science director still hasn’t responded to my second email, and I won’t get anything until at least Monday. I think my next step should be the Dean; I mean, it was not my mistake and I refuse to pay for the mistake of someone who gets paid to advise students. He obviously gave me the wrong advice, so why do I have to put everything on hold?

Worst of all, Mike is still working third shift. We were supposed to hang out Thursday night (because he was actually off!), but he ended up sleeping through the alarm he’d set and didn’t wake up until one in the morning. He felt bad and I felt bad, but now he won’t be off again until next Thursday. I miss him like crazy and all I want to do right now is drive down there and bang on the doors until they let me in. Then I’d kidnap him and steal him away so that I can be selfish and snuggle in his arms until we wake up. I know he misses me too but somewhere along the line I became sentimental and now I feel like I’m gonna die if I don’t get to see him soon. What happened to the hardass version of me, the one who spat at the very mention of love? Oh. Right. She was one bitter bitch.

On top of everything else, “Jude” invited me to hang out tonight — uh, Saturday night, technically. She was going to have “Zeppelin” come get me, and since I was feeling sorry for myself (because of the Chronic Arm Pains 4.0) I said maybe I shouldn’t. She said she really wanted me to come, and then when said she’d call me back in a few minutes. I assumed she was going to ask “Zeppelin” if she minded picking me up, and that since she wanted me to come over and hang out so bad she’d call me back and make sure I hadn’t changed my mind, but she never called me back. I know I can’t make her give a fuck but really. She knew I wasn’t feeling good — I burst into tears the second she said “hello” when I called her — and yet she still couldn’t be bothered to call me back. This is the shit that makes me want to tell her to have a nice life. When I need her, she never comes through. And yet, when she needs me I am always there.

I love her kids to death and even though I know she’ll pull the You Can’t See the Kids card if I try to stop being friends with her again, I don’t know what else to do. Every time we go through this, she promises to try harder and blahblahblah, but it never happens. We always end up at the same place. She claims that she cares but when it comes down to showing me she cares, she just can’t do it. There’s always something more important.

Anyway, it’s almost 3 am and my arms are killing me. I knew I’d pay for this but I needed to get shit off my chest.

Because I'm somewhere in between

Posted on by
Reply

This morning I babysat Katarina for my Aunt Rikki so that she could get some work done. Poor little Kat is sick with a viral infection in her throat and an ear infection, so she wasn’t her usual happy self. Uncle Reno pumped me full of coffee, even though I had already bought a cup at Dunkin Donuts.

I got home early this afternoon and since then I’ve been working on the Letters of Love site. My goal is to have it finished by tonight, but it’s hard to work right now. I have a lot on my mind. It also doesn’t help that the particular person whom is causing all of this grief refuses to answer their phone and talk to me.

This is a huge waste of a post, but I know if I keep going I’ll say things I may regret later on.

Anyway, Mike and I watched Midnight Meat Train last night on FearNET and it was pretty good. I just wish Clive Barker could have given us some sort of explanation for the odd things the antagonist pulled off of his skin every night. It was very B-movie and very Clive Barker.

Edit: I finally got in touch with the person in question. Hopefully I will be able to sit down and talk to them soon.