Tag Archives: letters of love

I Need to Stop Digitally Hoarding if I'm Going to be a Writer

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I realized this last night as I flipped through the pages and pages of usernames and passwords for different online accounts that I have. I can guarantee that I don’t even use half of them, and another 40% of them I probably only use once in a great while, especially if I need to procrastinate something. Still, I can hardly bear to get rid of these accounts. A perfect example is the Facebook account I deactivated. I know how to fully delete it thanks to Matt, but can’t bring myself to do it. What if I do want to use it again? I ask myself. Then the facebook.com/elizawhat username might be taken and that’s my name. It’s MINE. I didn’t really even use the thing, and yet I can’t convince myself that it’s okay to delete it forever. The same goes for my old @elizawhat, @freakingbookwrm, and @lettersoflove Twitter accounts, and a bunch of other accounts. Those names are MINE, dammit. What if I want them later and someone has taken them?!

I’m a digital hoarder.

I’d really like to simplify my digital life. I’ve been wanting to for a while, but while I knew it was the right decision, I still had a really hard time letting go. I try hard to be honest here and to be honest with myself, so here’s the truth: I have many websites and different social accounts. I almost always create them on a whim, and then I feel guilty for ignoring them, so I feel obligated to keep them, but only end up using them occasionally. A perfect example is Letters of Love. Don’t get me wrong. I’m very, very proud of that site. The thing is, I created it during a time when I really needed it, and I don’t need it anymore. Because I don’t need it anymore, I don’t have the passion I once had to keep it going. At the same time, though, I can’t bear to let someone else take it over because it’s mine. It’s my baby. Call me possessive, I don’t care. I just can’t let go, and I can’t bear to leave it sitting there collecting digital dust.

I also started Freaking Bookworm, and then fell way off the book review bandwagon. The thing is, I feel too obligated; I feel like I have to review every single book and comic that I read, so then I feel overwhelmed and just don’t review or write anything there. Plus, once I found Goodreads I started to wonder what the hell was the point in doing both. I argue with myself in my head all the time: “Goodreads is just a social network. One day it could disappear. Freaking Bookworm is my site and won’t disappear unless I want it to.” “Yes, but why update both? It’s a pain in the ass to review the same book twice, and repetitive as hell. How can I possibly write two different reviews about the same book without repeating myself?!”

I have a different problem with this blog. I enjoy writing here. I don’t ever feel obligated. However, instead of writing stories like I should be doing, I end up writing posts here. Instead of doing the dishes or cleaning or something else productive, I write draft upon draft that I will probably never actually publish. I regularly have to clean out my drafts because they’re either no longer relevant, half finished, or just too much information to post publicly. I know that I need to let go of this blog and focus more on my fiction writing, but dammit, it’s hard. It’s hard because it’s a security blanket, but it’s also hard because I know there are a lot of you who like this little space and I hate to let you down.

Still, I need to simplify. I don’t want my digital life to resemble the homes we see on Hoarders. I’m sick of leaving half finished projects behind me. I’m disgusted with myself for wasting so much time online when I should really be honing my writing skills; I say all the time that I want to be a writer, but instead of using that time to actually write and improve, I sit online. (I should say, though, that this morning I wrote a story before doing anything else, other than checking my bank account’s balance and a few other quick, important things. I’m damn proud of myself.)

I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet. I mean, I have a pretty good idea, but I’m still thinking about it. Mostly, I’m thinking about the execution. Basically, I want to embark on an adventure next year. (Because holy shit, in a couple of months it will be next year.) I’ve seen another writer, Deanna Knippling, do it and she’s learning a lot and getting a lot out of it. I’ve been thinking about it for a while, pretty much since she first started posting about her experiences with independent epublishing. My first thought was, Damn this is cool. I wish I could do it. A few weeks ago I thought, Maybe I could actually do it. Since last night I’ve been thinking, I want to try it.

Since my writers’ group started in September, I’ve been trying — well, okay, I haven’t been trying too hard because I’ve been blogging here instead — to write one short story a week, that way I’d have something new every week for my writers’ group. So far, I’ve written two, and that’s counting today’s story. I’ve had a lot of writers’ block, but it’s getting better finally. I’m also gearing up to do NaNoWriMo this year in November. Coincidentally, elizawhat.com is up for renewal in November. Now, granted, I’m pretty good about sticking to the writing during NaNoWriMo. The rest of the year, you can forget it. I don’t want to be like that anymore. I want to be disciplined, dammit. I’ll be completely honest with you: I’m thinking about not renewing this blog. I’m also thinking about cutting down on all of my online accounts, quite severely. At the top of the list are Tumblr and Formspring. I’m keeping my @elizabethbarone Twitter, but the other ones are probably going, too. I’m also going to make myself permanently delete my Facebook.

I need to do this. It’s hard to think about it, and it’s going to be hard to do it, but I need to. I’ve known this for a long time.

I just hope you won’t be too mad at me, or too disappointed. I’d really like to give you a new short story every month. I have a ton that need to be edited so that they won’t suck when you read them, but I’d also like to write a new one every week, for real.

Now, I’m still thinking about all of this, but I’ve slept on it and still feel the same. Usually, when I need to make a decision, I sleep on it because I rarely feel the same the next day. As hard a time I have making decisions, I also tend to go completely the other way at times and make rash decisions. Today I still feel like this needs to be done.

However, if I do delete this blog, there will be a new one. You’ll just have to wait and see it. It’s going to be awesome. And there will definitely still be Liz’s Anatomy. The rest I’m not so sure about.

Letting go and moving forward

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Sometimes, in order to move forward, we have to leave things behind. It’s never easy to leave these things behind, but by doing so, we become lighter so that we can hold more of what is just ahead.

That’s how I interpret the adage, “When one door closes, another opens.”

I’m sure you can guess where this is going.

I have been blogging personally for about ten years. Maybe more, but I feel old if I think about it too hard. I started off in Diaryland or My Own Journal or something like that, moved to LiveJournal, and then found WordPress and have been using it ever since. I’ve always written about my life and what I was going through in a physical, paper journal, but I found blogging to be more rewarding. I made a lot of friends while sharing my life, and met a lot of people going through similar things. It was comforting, knowing that there was always someone out there listening.

I used to look at my blog as a security blanket. I couldn’t go a day without writing in it. More and more, though, I’m finding myself going days without even thinking about it, and when I do finally think about my blog, I realize I have nothing I feel the need to write about. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time — even before I mentioned anything — and I’ve decided that it’s time to move on.

Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against personal blogging. I’ve just come to a point in my life where I have no use for having my own personal blog. I want to focus on the adventure ahead of me: going back to school for my B.A. in English so that I can read and write for a living. I want to spend my time reading and writing, and not worrying about updating my personal blog or Twitter account so that people don’t think I’ve fallen off of the planet. I want to spend more time nurturing Freaking Bookworm, because I’ve finally found my “niche” in the blogosphere.

I want to shed the things I no longer need or use so that I can make room for the things ahead. I want to simplify, instead of collecting.

I’ve felt lighter ever since I made this decision.

I’m not just shedding my blog, though. I’m cutting down on all of the domains I own. I’m not using more than half of them, so I’m letting them just expire. I’m letting go of my @elizawhat account on Twitter and just using @freakingbookwrm. I’m looking for someone to take over Letters of Love. I’m getting rid of all nine-hundred of my email addresses, and just using liz@freakingbookworm.com. I’m considering deleting my Facebook, too.

I feel so good about all of this, even though it does make me a little sad. There is so much ahead, though, that I don’t feel empty the way I would have if I’d made this decision a few months ago.

I’ve already set up my new email address, but I don’t have a definite date yet for when I’m killing everything else. You all know where to find me, though, and of course, I know where to find you.

Meet my six-month-old To Do list

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A little over a month ago, I posted a list of things I’d been trying to get done for five months. While I got a lot of it done, I didn’t do it all — and it’s grown.

I’m going to try to get everything in purple done today, and everything with a * done this week.

UPDATE 02/08: I’m trying to get everything in blue done today (Tuesday).

UPDATE 02/09: Today is redrum.

UPDATE 02/10: Apparently trying to divide this list into days isn’t working for me, so from now on I’m just going to tackle this list like I did the last one: a little at a time.

  • Open IRA and transfer 401(k) to it*. My new job has 401(k), also, so I really want to get this moved as soon as possible.
  • Reorganize work area*. I organized most of my work area last month, but now that I’m not working from home anymore, I want to organize it so that it can be utilized solely for writing. The way I have it organized now, everything for work is within reach, and everything for writing… not really.
  • Pay back Mike. Poor Mike. He’s been keeping my nicotine levels stable and helping me out with anything else that he can. I feel horrible that I owe him so much money from Christmas and that he’s still helping me out. At the same time, it’s a nice feeling; like he says all the time, I’d do it for him. It’s so nice to be in a relationship like that.
  • Pay Mom for January, February, and probably March car insurance. More guilt ensues.
  • Put aside money for 2010 taxes. It’s a good thing I have until April, huh?
  • Edit first draft of Sade On the Wall and add chapters for second draft*. First, an outline!
  • Pawn sword*. I have a replica of a samurai suicide sword that an old boyfriend once bought me. At the time, I wanted to collect tons of sharp, pointy objects. It’s sat tucked between a couple of pieces of furniture for the last, oh, five or so years, because I’ve had nowhere to put it. Now that I’m older, I don’t even want to collect swords, nor do I want one in the house for when future Mini Liz and Mini Mike are roaming around. (Eek!) Plus? Hi, I’m broke! I’ve already tried one pawn shop but they don’t take weapons. I’m going to (try to remember to) try another one sometime this week.
  • Upgrade processor. I want a faster laptop, and I want to play Sims 3 without it crashing, dammit!
  • Edit “In the Darkness, It Waits” for Confluenza reading*.
  • Take car to Town Fair Tire to get tires checked out for leaks*.
  • Discuss final payment*.
  • Redesign personal sites. I’d like to redesign EKB Designs, Letters of Love, and my blog, so that when I’m ready to renew my hosting, I can launch some sexy-ass sites¹.
  • File tax return*.
  • Exchange Dad’s Christmas gift*. I am so late on this. Good thing the receipt lasts until March 31st.
  • Transplant dragon tree*. My poor little plant is way too big for the pot it’s in right now.

It never ends, I guess.

What’s on your To Do list?

¹All of my websites are still live at the moment, and my plan is definitely canceled. I’m starting to wonder if one of you were sneaky and renewed it for me. I’m thinking it’s a glitch on my host’s part, though, and while I’d love to be using my sites, I’m afraid that if I start using them again, they will get wiped and I’ll lose some data. Once I get back on my feet, I’m paying for three years in advance. It’s cheaper, and that way, I won’t have to worry about it again for quite some time.

*I want to try to get all of these things done this week!

Success

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I’ve been hanging out at Miss Britt‘s digital place a lot lately, and even if I don’t comment, her words always get me thinking. Today she wrote about going through her shoes, and how her vision of success has changed. It got me thinking: What is success, to me?

Dictionary.com lists the word “success” as

  1. the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors
  2. the attainment of wealth, position, honors, or the like
  3. a successful performance or achievement
  4. a person or thing that is successful

When something goes well, I feel successful (1 and 3). When I am stable monetarily and have things I need and want, I feel successful (2). When I am doing well at something, I feel successful (4). For example, when I was self-employed and managed to make $400-600 last a month, I felt successful. I also felt successful when I could say to other people, “Oh, what do I do? I’m a self-employed web designer.” I did not, however, feel like a success when that $400-600 ran out and I had to bum cigarettes off Mike and hope the next check would come in before my next bill was due. I did not feel like a success when I lost my job; even though I was already broke, I still felt like a failure. Aside from what happened with my aunt, it still sucks to go from having a job — even if that job wasn’t too steady monetarily — to not having one. It sucks to not be able to buy the things I need and want. It sucks even more to have to cancel things I pay monthly, like my gym membership and web hosting¹. Suddenly not having a job makes me feel like I failed at being an adult, even though plenty of adults lose their jobs.

If I look at the big picture, though, I am still pretty successful, in many different ways.

  • I created and grew several communities online. Letters of Love, Freaking Bookworm, and my own personal blog are all their own little communities. I’ve even discovered that they can each survive without having their own website — something I honestly kind of feared. I can also do this on a business level. I am definitely a valuable tool in any company’s online marketing plan.
  • I found a partner who is my best friend, and supports me when I’m down. Even though many of my family members don’t try to hide the fact that they don’t like him and think that I will “grow out of him,” Mike and I are still together, over four years since the day we met. We take care of each other. These family members all think that a successful relationship relies on the man providing for everything, but I don’t see it that way. A relationship is a team effort. We lean on each other.
  • I can begin a story and write it to the finish line. The fact that I am now in the editing process for Sade On the Wall floors me. I am so proud of this novel and the work that I’ve put into it. I’m also proud of everything else I’ve ever finished writing.
  • I took this bad experience and turned it into something positive. Yes, I’m still hurt and angry, but now I have a world full of possibilities at my fingertips. I can go from here and do anything. And I am.

I want to find success in happiness; I don’t want my happiness to rely on success. I thought that by going to school and getting my A.S. in Multimedia/Web Authoring would make me successful, but I was never happy. Each success in my career made me happy, but not wholly. I always wanted something more. Now, I can go out there and get that something more. I might find that the education field really isn’t my thing, but at least I’ll have tried. Hell, I might even find that being a professional writer isn’t my thing, but again: at least I’ll have tried.

From now on, every goal and action will lead me to happiness, and that will be my success.

¹Speaking of hosting, for some reason my websites are all still live, even though my hosting was officially canceled yesterday. I haven’t been charged, either, so I’m wondering if their servers are caching or if they delete things at a certain time, like weekly or something.

I'm too tired to think of a title; make one up yourself.

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YOU’RE STILL HERE! I KNEW YOU WOULDN’T LEAVE ME!!

Ahem.

I have so much to tell you, and so little time before tired little me passes out, so… Bullets!

  • I’m opening a shiny new bank account at Wachovia tomorrow. Webster sent me letters saying that business checking accounts as of November 15th have to maintain a minimum balance of $2,500, or there will be a monthly fee of $9.95, and personal checking accounts have to maintain a minimum balance of $1,000, or there will be a monthly fee of $8.95. “Are they high?!” you must be asking yourself. Nope. They just got sued by a shitload of people, so this is obviously their plan to make that money back. Webster? You can fuck yourselves.
  • I haven’t checked my Gmail account in… I don’t know, a week or so? So, if you’ve been trying to get in touch with me through email… HA. Twitter is probably better.
  • I am crazy busy. I thought I was changing my workload so that I could have more time to write, but instead, my workload is INSANE, and now I have no time for anything other than work. I really need to get better at NOT WORKING ALL FUCKING DAY.
  • Then again, today I took a break and went shopping, because I had some extra money and needed — okay, wanted — a few things. I did need the sweater, though. The boots were just a plus.
  • While I’ve been neglecting my blog, I’ve been paying special attention to Freaking Bookworm and Letters of Love when I get a few spare minutes. (Translation: When I need to do something else for a little while.) I just reviewed Diary of a Wimpy Kid on Freaking Bookworm, so please go check it out and leave me some comments there!
  • I’m currently managing a really kickass social media marketing campaign, if I do say so myself.
  • I’m hustling this week so I can get a lot of things done so that I can take a week off in November. (NaNoWriMo, yay!)
  • Mike’s vacation is over, and he’s back on third shift. I can’t believe it, but I miss him being around all the time. He was getting on my nerves at times, and yet now I miss him.

So that’s my life right now. I kind of hate myself for allowing my workload to get this crazy, but when I stop to think about it, I really do need the money, so I shouldn’t complain. Some people don’t even have jobs.

I wanted to write a deeper post, about the college football player who got shot or how people who think gays “choose to be gay” make no sense, but yeah. This is my life right now.

I’m also avoiding my feed reader again… for now. I tried really hard to get back into the habit of reading everyone’s blogs every morning, but that’s turned out to be a huge gateway to mindless internet surfing, and therefore wasting a lot of time I could have spent on work things.

Leave me a comment and tell me what you’ve been up to!

<3