Tag Archives: mom

The C word again

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I walked into the house, carrying a soda, a Gatorade, and a bag of new clothes, talking to Mike about school systems that suck and make parents of special needs children more stressed than they need to be. The bad news that I’d just heard weighed heavily on me, and all I could do was shake my head and rant about how ridiculous it was that a school does not understand special needs childrens’ problems.

We spent a few minutes saying hello to my mom and sister, and then my mom looked at me and motioned for me to sit down. In barely above a whisper, she said she had to tell me something. (She has a sinus infection too, which always means no voice for her.)

“Not more bad news,” I said, joking. Then I saw the look on her face, and I sat down.

“Noni found a lump on one of her lymph nodes, where she had the tumors removed from before,” Mom said. “She had a biopsy, and…”

I barely heard the rest, because I didn’t need to. “No,” I choked, and buried my face in my hands.

Not again, not again, not again.

My grandmother is a breast cancer survivor. Several years ago, when Popi was still healthy, was still working, she was diagnosed. She went into chemotherapy. It was hard, but she beat it. In fact, I barely remember the details of the day to day stuff, because I was so young, and they caught it so early. In my memory, it was over before it really began. I didn’t have time to be scared. I was too young to be scared.

Cancer has already taken away one of my grandparents. Even though there’s no reason to jump to conclusions here, I have already been fighting the fear that the people I love are slipping away. It’s been eight months since we lost Popi. In those eight months, the pain has not even slightly diminished. I have realized that it will never be any easier without him. Each event or holiday will always make me think, We’re doing this without Popi. (Hell, sometimes I even think, Oh cool, I’ll get to see Popi there. It’s like my brain is handicapped.)

Noni is going to have a scan to make sure the cancer isn’t anywhere else, so that they can get an idea of how far it has or hasn’t advanced. Then they will start treatment. All I can think of is that, in the beginning, things looked really optimistic for Popi. I’m trying not to think like that, but it’s nearly impossible not to. The fear of losing the remaining half of my NoniandPopi is crippling.

I hope my dad is okay. He’s never one to say much. He didn’t say much when we lost Popi, and he didn’t say much when we lost Brian (who was his best friend years ago). Then again, I haven’t said much (out loud) either.

I hope Biz Noni is okay, too. She’s eighty-seven. Noni is her daughter.

I can’t believe this is happening again.

Shit that pisses me off: Weird dreams and chronic pain edition

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I’ve always wanted to make a list of the shit that’s currently pissing me off, but never did because it somehow feels douche-y. Still, sometimes you just need to rant, so here we are.

I don’t understand why the new year starts in January. It’s confusing. It should start in March. Hear me out. We get winter starting at the end of the year, and it overlaps into the beginning of the year. So, if we want to refer to the winter of a particular year, how do we do that? If I say “Winter 2011,” am I talking about the winter in the beginning of the year, or the winter at the end of the year?

Our cats have been living together for over a year now and the fat one is still traumatizing my little one. After I spent the whole morning yesterday cleaning up puke, piss, and shit because Apollo wouldn’t let Squirt leave the corner to use the litter box, I felt like wringing his little neck. I told my mom when she got home from work. We said how we wished that the dining room door closed, and a little while later she rigged the dining room door with a bungee cord so that he can’t get in. She’s a smart cookie.

Since Mom rigged the door and we’ve been keeping the cats separated, I’ve seen a complete change in Squirt. She’s much more relaxed. She even purred at a normal volume last night when I was petting her. I also saw her use the litter box for the first time in a year without a hassle.

Apparently, pulling the bungee cord around the doorknob is too hard for my dad and sister, because they keep complaining about it. My dad also keeps complaining that this isn’t going to help them get along. They are never going to get along. It’s been over a year. If they were going to get along, they would have already started to. They are both the type of cat that has to be a single pet. Again, let me remind you that I cleaned up puke, piss, and shit all morning, and that every night they fight right over my head because her food is right near the head of my bed, and he doesn’t let her eat. If keeping the peace in the house means that we have to loop a bungee cord around the doorknob every time we go in and out, who cares? But I have a feeling that when I leave for Kaylene’s birthday party and then come home, the dining room door is going to be open and it’s going to be the same shit all over again because no one cares.

I don’t understand why we can’t all just be consistent. Aside from this, I’m the only one who ever punishes him for going after her. Mom puts him in the bathroom sometimes, but I’m the only one who sprays him with the water bottle and tries to teach him to listen to the word “NO.” It’s so frustrating.

I’m sick of being broke. I want to not worry about gas and lunch. I want to go out with friends I haven’t seen in a long time. I want friends who stopped inviting me out because I’m always broke to invite me out again. I want to pay off my bills and the debt that’s been stacking up. I want to start saving money for a place with Mike. I want to fix my car up so that it’s in top condition. I want to buy birthday presents for the birthdays I’ve missed so far: Kaylene’s, Lauren’s, and Mike’s mom’s. I cannot wait until March 4th, when I get my first full check.

I wish some of my so-called friends would get serious about our friendship. We make plans, they break them. I try to get in touch, they don’t call me back. I need someone to talk to, they just talk about themselves. Something important happens to them, they don’t tell me. (But when something bad happens to them, oh, you can bet they’re calling or texting or BBMing or emailing me to cry or vent about it!) I can honestly only think of one friend right now who has always been serious about our friendship. That friend? Is a guy. Maybe I am approaching this whole friendship thing wrong, and need to only be friends with guys.

I dreamed about SEO last night, and kept waking up over and over thinking, “I’ve got to remember that!”, only to forget two seconds later. The night before, I dreamed about spiders crawling on me. Before these last two nights, I had a couple of good nights of sleep, but before that I wasn’t really sleeping at all. Sleep hates me. I think my body hates me. I don’t know why I dreamed about SEO last night. It’s not like I had to work today! Maybe I’m stressing out a little about work. I do feel some pressure, but I didn’t think it was bothering me that much. Ugh.

My neck and shoulders have been stiff and sore for a week now, and my lower back has been aching for three or four days. All of my joints have been joining this aching chorus, too. I guess it’s stress, but it’s driving me crazy. There’s only so much Extra Strength Tylenol I can take before I have to give it a rest. Plus, really, no one likes being in pain all the time.

I guess that’s it for now. I need to go get ready for my goddaughter’s birthday party. She turned six on the ninth. Time really flies!

What’s really pissing you off right now?

Meet my six-month-old To Do list

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A little over a month ago, I posted a list of things I’d been trying to get done for five months. While I got a lot of it done, I didn’t do it all — and it’s grown.

I’m going to try to get everything in purple done today, and everything with a * done this week.

UPDATE 02/08: I’m trying to get everything in blue done today (Tuesday).

UPDATE 02/09: Today is redrum.

UPDATE 02/10: Apparently trying to divide this list into days isn’t working for me, so from now on I’m just going to tackle this list like I did the last one: a little at a time.

  • Open IRA and transfer 401(k) to it*. My new job has 401(k), also, so I really want to get this moved as soon as possible.
  • Reorganize work area*. I organized most of my work area last month, but now that I’m not working from home anymore, I want to organize it so that it can be utilized solely for writing. The way I have it organized now, everything for work is within reach, and everything for writing… not really.
  • Pay back Mike. Poor Mike. He’s been keeping my nicotine levels stable and helping me out with anything else that he can. I feel horrible that I owe him so much money from Christmas and that he’s still helping me out. At the same time, it’s a nice feeling; like he says all the time, I’d do it for him. It’s so nice to be in a relationship like that.
  • Pay Mom for January, February, and probably March car insurance. More guilt ensues.
  • Put aside money for 2010 taxes. It’s a good thing I have until April, huh?
  • Edit first draft of Sade On the Wall and add chapters for second draft*. First, an outline!
  • Pawn sword*. I have a replica of a samurai suicide sword that an old boyfriend once bought me. At the time, I wanted to collect tons of sharp, pointy objects. It’s sat tucked between a couple of pieces of furniture for the last, oh, five or so years, because I’ve had nowhere to put it. Now that I’m older, I don’t even want to collect swords, nor do I want one in the house for when future Mini Liz and Mini Mike are roaming around. (Eek!) Plus? Hi, I’m broke! I’ve already tried one pawn shop but they don’t take weapons. I’m going to (try to remember to) try another one sometime this week.
  • Upgrade processor. I want a faster laptop, and I want to play Sims 3 without it crashing, dammit!
  • Edit “In the Darkness, It Waits” for Confluenza reading*.
  • Take car to Town Fair Tire to get tires checked out for leaks*.
  • Discuss final payment*.
  • Redesign personal sites. I’d like to redesign EKB Designs, Letters of Love, and my blog, so that when I’m ready to renew my hosting, I can launch some sexy-ass sites¹.
  • File tax return*.
  • Exchange Dad’s Christmas gift*. I am so late on this. Good thing the receipt lasts until March 31st.
  • Transplant dragon tree*. My poor little plant is way too big for the pot it’s in right now.

It never ends, I guess.

What’s on your To Do list?

¹All of my websites are still live at the moment, and my plan is definitely canceled. I’m starting to wonder if one of you were sneaky and renewed it for me. I’m thinking it’s a glitch on my host’s part, though, and while I’d love to be using my sites, I’m afraid that if I start using them again, they will get wiped and I’ll lose some data. Once I get back on my feet, I’m paying for three years in advance. It’s cheaper, and that way, I won’t have to worry about it again for quite some time.

*I want to try to get all of these things done this week!

I'm thinking about…

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I keep thinking about the education field¹. The idea of getting up at the ass crack of dawn to go to work doesn’t thrill me, but I love, love, love the idea of working with kids. I also love the idea of making a difference.

Recently, I found out that my city’s community college is offering an Applied Behavior Analysis certificate program. The certificate opens a lot of doors in the psychology and education fields; you can apply it toward a Behavior Analyst Board Certification — which is available to those with Bachelors and Masters degrees — and can also apply it to Associates or Bachelors degree programs. I’m interested in it because, with the certificate and an Associates, you can get a job at a school as a paraprofessional (special needs student aid). (Since I already have an A.S., all I need is the ABA certificate.)

I’m starting to realize that I really want to work in education. I have doubts about it, but I think it’s stemming from the fact that I dropped out after half a semester; I think I’m afraid of failing again. Of course, at the moment I can’t afford to pursue my Bachelors, since I’m still paying off my student loans from that half semester. Sigh. However, this certificate program only requires four core courses and an internship, which means that by the time I’m done with this certificate, I’ll probably have paid off my student loan. I can get a job as an aid, and start on my Bachelors degree in Elementary Education (again), but part-time this time.

I think in the long run I want to be a reading specialist¹ — you know, the person who takes the kids who are having trouble with reading one-on-one during the day and helps them strengthen their skills. This requires a Masters degree, which is ironic because I never even wanted to get a Bachelors².

I know I said that I didn’t know what I wanted to do with myself now and that I felt lost, but I can’t stop thinking about being a teacher. Of course, I have plenty of time to think about it some more; I want to be positive that I want to do this, so that I can commit to it fully, so that I won’t run away scared if it’s too hard or if I get hit with a flareup. I was also — at the time — committed to helping my aunt, and wasn’t sure how I should go about things. Although my friend Tammy just told me about a job opening at her company for a marketing manager³, I think I’d rather find a retail job, since it would be more flexible while I’m getting the ABA certificate. However, the program director at NVCC told me that all of the courses will be offered in the evening to accommodate teachers and parents, so I could still take the job. I’m fairly certain that if I applied for it, I’d get it. (My self-esteem has gone back up in the last couple of days; I’ve been working really, really hard at building myself back up. If I wrote about this a couple of days ago, I’d be a lot less optimistic.)

I guess I really want to be sure about everything and have a solid plan set in my mind before I make a move. I’m going to think about that job opening, and I’m also going to think about the ABA certificate. Part of me wonders if I’m being too heavily influenced by what’s going on around me: my mom is back in school for her Masters, my sister is in her second semester at a four-year university, and Mike’s little brother is supposed to have an aid with him at all times but doesn’t, and is suffering for it. I also had a conversation on Christmas Day with Mike’s sister Britt’s boyfriend Tyson’s mom, Debbie. (What a long description! Maybe I should just start calling his family my in-laws, since we’re definitely getting married at some point anyway. I always thought that was silly if you’re not married yet, but I’m starting to think it’s a good idea if you know you will be.) Debbie is a special needs advocate, and has been working in the field for thirty years, I think she said. We were talking to Tracy (Mike’s mom) about Tony and how his PPT* was coming up. Debbie was giving Tracy some advice about Tony’s IEP*. Eventually Debbie and I got to talking about how I’d been going to school for Elementary Education, and how I still do this day think of all the kids — especially the ones who were struggling. Debbie said that she thought I was the type of person who needs to make a difference with my career.

It got me thinking about being a reading specialist. For one, I love reading. I also love working with kids, and I can’t stand the fact that there are so many kids who don’t get the help they need and deserve. I also thought long and hard about what Debbie said, and it’s true. Sure, I was helping businesses get their names out there when I was a web designer and social media marketing consultant, but I wasn’t making much of a difference. It’s true that I am the type of person who feels the need to reach out to others. I get that from my mom.

However, I’m very, very afraid of feeling like I’ve failed at anything right now. I was already afraid of failure before I lost my job. I am going to think about it some more — like I said, I’ve got until the summer — but I did really want to share these things with you guys.

¹I’ve wanted to write about my plans so, so many times, but the fear of changing my mind kept me from doing it. I wanted to be sure before I started talking about it.

²Hell, I didn’t even want to go to college period, because I hated high school and had no idea what I wanted to do.

³My main responsibilities would be marketing the company through social media, which happens to be my specialty. :D It’s also a full-time position, with vacation and a couple of other good benefits.

*PPT (planning and placement team) is a meeting where the parent(s), teachers, and other people involved in the child’s education get together to discuss the child’s IEP — individualized education plan. An IEP usually contains goals for the child that the team tries to accomplish by the end of the year, such as: “Improve child’s speech,” “improve child’s mobility with physical therapy,” “improve child’s reading level,” etc. (See? I learned a lot in that half semester at SCSU. I really, really enjoyed it. I was just so overwhelmed… I wish I’d stuck with it.)

Christmas cookie bake day 2010

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Every year, my dad’s side of the family gets together to bake cookies. Yesterday, Noni, Mom, Biz Noni, Lauren, and I made peanut butter blossoms, gingerbread, chocolate chip, and oatmeal with macadamia nuts, cranberries, and white chocolate chips. We had a really good time.

Noni's Christmas village

Noni had her yearly Christmas village all set up.

Hot Arbor Mist Orchard Fruits Chardonnay with cinnamon stick

We drank hot Arbor Mist Orchard Fruits Chardonnay with cinnamon sticks

Boy and girl gingerbread people

And decorated boy and girl gingerbread people. Noni did these.

I didn’t get to do everything I wanted to do yesterday, but I’m glad I did this.