Alternate title: “What I spent 1,000+ words on, instead of working on my NaNoWriMo novel.”

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Somewhere in the last couple of weeks, I’ve developed a mystery allergy. I’m itchy — all over — with no hives, bites, eczema scales, or anything visible. I get so itchy, at times, that I scratch until I bleed. At first, I thought it was dry skin, but I’ve been using lotion and paying attention throughout the last week, and my skin isn’t actually too dry. (The palms of my hands, on the other hand*, are wicked dry. They don’t itch, though.)

Then I thought it might be the laundry detergent we’re using. I put a little bit on my arm, rubbed it in with a Qtip, and went outside for a cigarette. Aside from being very cold because I couldn’t wear a jacket over my detergent-arm, nothing happened.

I got a little worried because a friend of mine has neighbors with a flea/bedbug/cockroach problem, but I don’t have any bites or marks (other than scratches from scratching so much). My friend and her kids are all fine, though, so I don’t think I could have picked any of it up, either.

Tonight, as I was cleaning out my cat’s brush, it hit me: Maybe I have developed an allergy to my cats’ dander. It would make sense. I pinned down that my bathrobe was making me the most itchy. It is 100% polyester, but none of my other polyester or polyester-blend clothing makes me itch. However, my cat slept on it every night for about a week. I’ve since washed it in hot water, and although I haven’t worn it, I’m willing to bet that it won’t make me itchy anymore. I also washed my sheets, comforter, pillow cases, afghan, and fleece blanket — yes, I sleep with a lot of blankets — recently, and the itching got a little less itchy.

I hate to admit that I could be allergic to my furry little child, but it’s kind of looking like it. I’m having visions of having to give Squirt (my baby) and Apollo (my parents’ baby) a dander bath, and of Squirt clawing my face off because she hates water. (The one and only time we had to give her a flea bath — because the people who gave her to me let their cats go in and outside without ever giving them flea treatments — she was pissed. And this was when she was a kitten; I’d hate to see how she’d react now.)

Blaine — thank you, Blaine! — suggested I try an antihistamine. I need to refill my Claritin-D pretty badly, anyway, so hopefully that will do the trick. I cannot believe I may have developed an allergy to my cats, but I feel lucky that I’m not swelling up or anything.

The other alternative is that Mike is right and it’s dust mites, which creeps me out so badly that I’d rather be allergic to my fuzzball.

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I’m so ashamed, I’ve been so mean
“Simple Kind of Life,” No Doubt

This song is pretty close to summing up the last few days for me. I want to go back to Friday and slam my self-absorbed little head into the wall. Okay, so maybe I don’t want to hurt myself, but I’m pretty ashamed of that girl. That is not me, and I am disgusted at my own behavior. I didn’t mean it, at all, but I’m still ashamed.

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I’ve been writing like mad. I fell behind for a little bit, and honestly it was partly because I was too tired to write, and partly because I lost faith in my story. A handful of awesome people — Blaine, Jess, Becky, Sanya, and Veronica, to name a few — have been encouraging me to keep going, and have (just today) made me realize that I need to have faith in my story. I’ll be honest: for a little while there, I thought it sucked and that I should stop and do something else. I was afraid that I’d failed to create the strong characters I wanted to create. They’re still not as strong as I’d like them to be, but when Jess BBMed me tonight and told me how much she loved the story and the characters, how strong they are, I said to myself, “You need to trust your story and your own writing; you are doing better than you thought you were.” (I may have actually said, “I need to trust my story…” but most likely, this conversation took place in the third person. Sigh.)

Tonight — or, okay, this morning, apparently; it’s after midnight now — I plan on breaking 13,000 words, but it’s become less about the word count and more about finishing it** and then editing it, because holy shit, there are actually people reading who expect a new chapter every day. I was, in a daydreaming sort of way, entertaining the idea of self-publishing the edited, complete version, but at the time told myself that that would be putting the cart before the horse… Now, it’s still putting the cart before the horse, but it’s a lot less of a daydream and more of a thought; I’m really thinking about it now.

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I may be rich with word count and chapters, but I am broke. I just finished a client’s website and am starting a new one, though, and am expecting payment from another client soon, so hopefully in another week or so I won’t have to worry about my bills. I feel horrible that Mike is the only one putting gas into the car, and that I haven’t given my mom money toward our car insurance, and that two major bills are coming up — one of which I’m not sure I can afford at all; it will all depend on how soon I next get paid.

Honestly, I’m kind of thinking of getting a part-time job somewhere. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, to be honest, but there are a few things that hold me back. I definitely don’t think I could handle two jobs right now. I want to stick this self-employment thing out, really, but the longer I go in this position, the more I miss having that secure weekly or bi-weekly paycheck (among other things). Maybe I should give it until the beginning of the new year, and then decide.

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So what’s new with you?

**I especially want to finish this because it will only be the second novel I’ve ever actually finished writing. I still haven’t finished The Cure Program or Secondhand Mom. I really suck at finishing things; it has to be done right away, or it gets harder for me to come back to.