Tag Archives: noni

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I don’t really know how to say this, so I’m just going to say it: I found out yesterday that Noni’s tumor grew a little. I know that “a little” isn’t anything to freak out about, but I can’t help but think, “What the fuck? The hormones were supposed to shrink it, not let it grow.” I’m trying to stay positive and not freak out, but it’s bothering me. Her doctors are going to reevaluate the hormone treatment and see if they should try something else, or if she’s going to need surgery to have it removed like they originally planned, or what. I don’t have many more details than that. I think they’re going to do some more testing on the tumor. Honestly, I kind of went into this numb zone where I didn’t hear much else beyond “tumor grew a little,” and I’m kind of afraid to ask someone because I kind of feel like an asshole for missing most of the conversation.

Because I don’t really want to think or talk about that, I guess I’ll tell you about my second least favorite subject: My latest visit with my rheumatologist!

I saw him on on the 21st, and after waiting an hour like always, finally got into an exam room. I saw one of the nurses first. She took my blood pressure, asked me about medications, then went through a whole list of questions, like, “Do you have any joint pain? Headaches? Chest pain?” etc. Some of them were relevant, but most of them weren’t. I told her about my six-day headache, and she was kind of surprised. I forgot to tell her about my switch from oral birth control to the Mirena, so when my doctor came in I made sure to tell him about both the headache and the Mirena. He didn’t seem concerned about the headache, though. (It did, by the way, finally go away on the 23rd. I haven’t had one since, knock on wood.)

We talked about my Tramadol and how I’ve been on 25mg and how it’s radically helped my joint pain, and he seemed satisfied with that. He asked me if I’d started Tai Chi or anything like that and I told him I had planned to, but lost my job so couldn’t afford it. We also talked about my UTI symptoms. After telling me I needed to get a urinalysis done that day and get blood work done in two to three months, he asked if I’d followed up with my PA-C at my regular doctor’s. I hadn’t, and hadn’t even thought about it, so he said I should follow up with her… and also with Dr. Lichter.

Dr. Lichter is a Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation specialist. He’s the one who did several nerve conduction tests on me, all of which came back fine, and then told me to get a gym membership and sent me on my way. I didn’t have a problem with him until then. I have a huge problem with doctors dismissing health problems when they can’t quickly diagnose them. He might be a fantastic doctor, but he obviously didn’t know what to do with me and didn’t think he needed to try anything else. I know I’m a mystery. I’ve had countless doctors tell me that. My blood work is wily. Honestly, if I were a doctor, I might have reason to think I was a drug addict just looking for a prescription, or at the very least, a hypochondriac. Unfortunately, before my daily dose of Tramadol, my joint pain was very real and definitely not just a twinge here and there that I freaked out over. This shit kept me up at night on many occasions that I’d rather not remember. This shit interfered with my life on many levels. If I’m a hypochondriac, I’m a really good one.

Dr. Greco wrote my PA-C’s office and Dr. Lichter’s office on the “copy to” part of the blood work order, and told me he’d see me in six months, and to follow up with Pam (PA-C) and Dr. Lichter in the meantime. I know I don’t have to see Dr. Lichter. I’d definitely rather not waste the $40 copay. Hell, I can’t even afford any of my copays right now, so I’d really rather not waste it on a doctor I don’t like and don’t want to see. I’m going to make an appointment with Pam and see what she thinks. Honestly, I’m not sure what the next step is. My symptoms are, for the most part, finally being managed. I could just walk away and be content with taking several medications — Tramadol, Miralax, a slew of vitamins — for the rest of my life. At the same time, though, I still really just want to know what the hell caused all of this. It’s kind of hard to justify more sleuthing, though, when my symptoms are being managed.

I did my urinalysis that same day, and the next day got a call from Dr. Greco’s office. I have a bladder infection, and am on Cipro. I can’t even think of how many times I’ve had bladder infection or UTI symptoms, had my urine tested, and came back with nothing. I had it so bad one time, I was screaming and crying. (I think I may have even gone to the ER, but it was a long time ago so I’m not positive.) I’m shocked that something actually showed up this time. I’ve been feeling like shit for a couple months now.

Cipro sucks. You can’t take it within so many hours of magnesium, calcium, or milk product, or with any of those things, so I am having a hard time remembering to take it. I take all of my pills in the morning after breakfast. I can’t take Cipro then because I usually have some kind of milk product; if I don’t have cereal for breakfast, I usually drink coffee with cream. It’s definitely annoying.

I’m also annoyed because I had a urinalyses when I had my annual at my gynecologist’s, and apparently the bladder infection didn’t show up. My symptoms then were worse than they are now. Speaking of my gynecologist, I missed my appointment today with her to check my Mirena. I completely forgot until I started writing this. The worst part is, their reminder machine called me yesterday, and I have it written down in my planner. I have completely lost track of my days.

Not having a job is killing me. I know I keep whining about this, but I’ve never had such a hard time finding one. At first, when I lost my job in May, I thought, Whoo, vacation! Now I am bored, a couch potato, have no life, and have no money. The bills are piling up. Most of them are medical bills, but I have to give my mom money for my car insurance next month, and then in October have to pay at least $50 toward my student loan. And if the school ever sends me my acceptance letter, I’ll need gas to get back and forth from New Haven. I’m only planning on taking one class (unless something changes drastically, like I get a work study at the school), but still.

I feel like I’ve been going through one of those really long rough patches, and I’m almost at the part where I’m going to get through it. It’s not just work related. It’s my health, family — everything. I feel like I’m on the edge, that I just have to keep swimming. It’s been a long, long rough patch, let me tell you. I cannot wait to get to the other side.

How did you get through a long rough patch?

Add another name to the list of people fighting the C word

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I just found out that my mom’s uncle’s wife, Martha, has stage three breast cancer. It’s the kind that isn’t receptive to hormonal treatments, and they’re having a hard time finding something they can treat her with, because so far she’s not receptive to anything they’ve tested for.

She starts chemo next week, and is going to the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston to see if they can some up with something.

Even though Martha isn’t blood related to me, I really like her. She can be kind of goofy, but in a good way. My sister and I used to have sleepovers at her and my mom’s uncle Paul’s house when we were little, and always had a blast. She’s also one of the few people on my mom’s side of the family who like and are nice to Mike, and she’s genuinely excited that we’re going to get married at some point. She’s so nice, in fact, that I used to sometimes wonder if she was an alien, but then I learned that there is a whole tribe of exuberant people spread throughout the world — sort of ambassadors whose only mission is to spread happiness. My friend’s girlfriend G is one of these people. I’m pessimistic by nature, so being around these ambassadors of happy used to be really hard for me.

Martha doesn’t deserve this, at all. How can someone so nice, someone so healthy get sick so suddenly? She had a mammogram six months ago and everything was fine. Now she’s got this aggressive breast cancer and facing a double mastectomy. I just don’t understand.

I also don’t understand how some cancers are easier to treat than others. Popi’s wasn’t one of these, but Noni’s is. Martha’s is one of the harder ones.

I just don’t understand. It seems like everywhere I turn, someone else is being diagnosed with some kind of cancer. It’s like a horror movie, but there’s no end to it, and I can’t pause or stop it. I told my mom that the next time I find out someone has cancer, I’m not even going to be surprised. It’s like suddenly the world is full of cancer; it feels like we have more cancer now than ever before, with no rhyme or reason to it.

I just don’t understand.

Tattoo #3: Fievel Mousekewitz

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Fievel, right after Sean finished him

Fievel, right after Sean finished him

My good friend Sean has been apprenticing at The Beauty Mark for a while, and just recently started tattooing. He’s still technically an apprentice, so he’s been trying to do one piece each day. I’ve been dying to get Fievel done, so when I saw Sean drawing this cute little grey mouse the other night when we were hanging out, I said I should have him do it. He said he could do it the next day, so we did!

An American Tail was one of my favorite movies growing up. I am surprised that the original VHS still works, because I watched it so often. Noni put it on whenever I came over, and most of the time we watched it together. Popi watched it with us, too, if he wasn’t at work.

Even now, as an adult, I still love this movie. Fievel is not only a symbol of one of my favorite movies, though; he’s also a symbol of my childhood, the days I spent at my grandparents’ house while Mom and Dad worked. Every time I look at him, I think of those days and I smile. (I also smile because he’s really freaking cute.)

Yesterday; all bruised and healing

Yesterday; all bruised and healing

I have to admit, that spot was a bitch to get tattooed. I used to roll my eyes when people said different spots hurt more, but now I am a believer. I am not afraid to admit that my forearm hurt more than my other tattoos (#1, #2), and that I had to bite down on my tongue half the time to distract myself. It also bruised up quite a bit, which Sean said is normal for that spot. Today it’s a lot more tender. I see cold compresses in my future!

I'm getting the hell out of here!

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Squirt is clearly only tolerating my annoying urge to take pictures together.

Squirt is clearly only tolerating my annoying urge to take pictures together.

Tomorrow I’m getting out of the city and into the country and fresh air for three beautiful days. I’m ecstatic. I’m still unemployed, and all of the stress surrounding the whole situation has been making me yearn to just get out. As long as Noni still feels up to it after her chemo today, we’re leaving for the lake tomorrow morning, joining up with Aunt Wendy, going to Aunt Wendy’s graduation tomorrow night, and then coming home sometime Friday. I get three days all alone with my grandmother and aunt — something that will probably never happen again.

I haven’t yet decided whether I’m bringing my laptop to do some writing, but I’m bringing two of the books on my summer reading list. I really want to leave my laptop behind, but I haven’t done any writing in a few days, so I might bring it and my Sade On the Wall first draft and notes. I don’t know. There’s something appealing about getting away from my laptop for three days… and there’s also something appealing about using those three days to get started on that editing I’ve been meaning to do (and procrastinating).

So yeah, as long as Noni still feels up to it in the morning, we’re heading off! Her chemo went well today, though. They started her on a different chemo, since she was reacting badly to the other one. The first time she had her treatment, she fainted and got pretty banged up. She also had a lot of joint pain. The second time, she had joint pain again, I think, so her oncologist decided to try a different medication. This one was a shot instead of an IV drip like the other one, and she did well on it today. All of her blood work came back perfect, too, and she and the oncologist even think the tumor might be shrinking.

I do feel kind of bad that I’m leaving Mike for three days, because not only is he getting a root canal on Thursday, but he has never spent that much time with my family without me around. I hope it won’t be too awkward for him. I mean, I know he’s known them all for about five years and has been living here for almost a year, but I’m sure it’ll be a little different, at least. It would be for me. Then again, the only thing he’s said about the whole thing is that he wishes I was going to be around after he gets the root canal, for comfort purposes. He’ll be fine, of course, but I wouldn’t be me if a small part of me didn’t worry a little.

She didn't think this was funny.

She didn't think this was funny.

Aside from going away and being unable to find a job even though I’ve applied to several places, I started taking 25mg of Tramadol every day on 06/02 — almost two weeks ago — and since then, my pain has decreased to only a small twinge here or there. Most days, I’ve had no pain at all. It’s hard to tell whether this is the medication, or just a period of remission. Either way, I’m enjoying it. If, by the time I see my rheumatologist again in July, I’m still not having that much pain, I’m going to just assume it’s the medication. And then I’ll have to celebrate, because holy shit! This low dose of Tramadol doesn’t make me feel like I just smoked a bunch of pot! Of course, it’s not treating that annoying fatigue that hits me like an eighteen wheeler sometimes, but I can deal with that if I’m not also in pain.

She hates me.

She hates me.

I’ve also been doing a lot of stuff for Freaking Bookworm, partially to keep busy but mostly because I love it. I created a book review bloggers directory inspired by the book review vloggers directory that my book blogging buddy Liz created. I also wrote an article on why it’s a good thing that teens read YA, which got quite a few tweets and Facebook shares. (When I say “quite a few,” I mean it’s quite a few for my little book review blog. :D ) I also read and reviewed Witch Doctor #0 and Beat, and created a summer reading list. And, even though I am not ready to share this over on Freaking Bookworm, I landed my first interview with an author, and got accepted to write book reviews for Blog Critics, the sister site to Technorati (which is like Google to the blogosphere). I have a lot more reviews coming, but this is what I’ve been working on lately. So, even though I lost my Amazon store, things are still going really well, and I’m having a lot of fun with this. It would be the best job in the world if I could find a way to make a living off of it. I will, someday.

"Oh stupid human, are you done yet?"

"Oh stupid human, are you done yet?"

In unrelated news, I’m thinking about giving up personal blogging and focusing completely on book blogging. (I also have plans for another focused blog, as soon as I get back on my feet and can afford to spend the usually inexpensive $8.95 for a domain name. In the meantime, I’m setting up a WordPress.com blog to make sure I’m committed to the topic.) As much as I enjoy blogging, I just don’t see the point in publicly sharing my personal life and problems anymore. It used to be a way for me to vent, but I’m just starting to think of it as immature; I look back on many of my old posts and think, Why did I need to share that? I don’t see anything wrong with personal blogging in general, but I think I’m growing out of it. Don’t worry, though — you’ll never see me stop blogging! (Unless I die. But we’re not going to think about that. I like being alive.)

What’s new with you? I just caught up on blogs, but I still wanna know. Leave me a comment and catch me up!

Things I wanted to do this year… and things I’m going to do now

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May and June 2011 Goals

May and June 2011 Goals

I just found this in my drafts. I reread it, then published it for the date it should have been published. It was finished, but I’d never published it. Reading it again was weird. I know now that I didn’t publish it at the time because I didn’t really want to go back to school. Five months later, and I’m still not sure whether I want to go back to school. I’m not sure of much of anything.

I do know that, although I’m not where I thought I’d be, I did the best I could.

2011 Goals:

  • Pay off the remainder of my student loans by the summer. I’ve knocked it down from $3,807.75 (07/25/2010) to $3,382.74 (05/16/2011). That’s about $500. Since the interest kind of makes this an uphill battle, I think $500 is pretty good. I want to do better, though. I’m tired of this debt hanging over my head. I don’t think I’ll have it paid off within the next couple of months, though.
  • Re-matriculate as a junior at Southern Connect State University, apply to the Elementary Education program, and get in. Um… No thanks. I want to know that I want to go back to school, before I go back. (Translation: Before I make the commitment and rack up another expensive debt.)
  • Move into an apartment with Mike by the summer. This could still happen. I have a good chunk of money in my savings account. He has more dental work to get done, though, which is going to end up being a debt he’s going to have to pay off. (And I think it’s going to be about the same amount as my student loan!) We might be looking at the fall now… or another six months. It wouldn’t be so bad, but there are five of us crowded into this one bedroom apartment (Mom, Dad, Lauren, Mike, and me [and Squirt and Apollo]). I don’t know why it seemed like less people when it was Noni, Popi, Lauren, and me here.
  • Edit Sade On the Wall and produce a second draft. I’ve done a read through of the first draft… That counts, kind of, right? I know what I need to do to whip a second draft up. I just can’t seem to get myself to do it. That changes, starting today…

In January, I decided that my next steps were:

  1. Find and implement a better source of income, and
  2. Read through Sade On the Wall once and make a complete list of things that need to be fixed.

I actually ended up doing both. I found a $28,000 salary job, and I read through “Sade,” made some corrections, and made notes and lists of improvements for the second draft.

I’m proud of what I accomplished.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I’ve decided on what my goals for right now are — what my “what’s next” is.

May and June 2011 Goals:

  • Find a part-time job. I’ve decided that, if I’m really careful and budget well, I can make a part-time income work for me.
  • Write the second draft of Sade On the Wall. The other part of my time will be spent making those changes I found when I read through the manuscript.
  • Make $65 on FreakingBookworm.com. The third part of my time will be spent growing Freaking Bookworm and making $65 by October, to pay for my New York Comic Con ticket.
  • Submit “Outlaw Love Story” to another magazine. I’ve only submitted this story to one magazine, and it got rejected. I’m still excited that it got rejected, but now it’s time to get over the simultaneous disappointment, tweak it a little, and submit it somewhere else.

I’d also like to enter some kind of writing contest, but I’m not going to add that to the list of goals. Four is enough for now.

By accomplishing these goals, I’ll be officially done being a web designer. I’ll be a part-time writer, on my way to being a full-time writer. And, with the flexibility of a part-time retail job, I’ll be able to attend my doctors’ appointments without hassle and hopefully finally get a diagnosis.

I can do this.