Today was an emotional roller coaster.

I’m still not sure how I feel.

I woke up a few times throughout the night and this morning, partially because of the medication I’m on for the thing on my face — it gives me the night sweats like crazy — and partially because of my good old bladder. When I finally gave up on sleeping, I looked at my phone and saw I’d missed a call somewhere during all of the tossing and turning and getting up to pee.

I listened to the voicemail. It was a nurse from my doctor’s office, asking me to call back.

Immediately, I was flooded with a nervous anticipation. I knew it was about my blood work results, and I knew they had found something. I could hardly stand waiting as they transferred me from person to person, and when I finally got to the nurse who had originally called me, I almost wanted to tell her to hurry up, this was it, gimme it already! Instead, I clicked my pen on and off.

The blood work that Pam and Deanna ordered.

“We’re still waiting for your ANA results,” she said, seeming to be shuffling through the paperwork. Impatiently, I clicked my pen on and off, on and off. “Dr. Mongelluzzo looked at your results… Your Double Stranded DNA is really high,” she said. “He’s thinking it could be Lupus, and wants you to see Dr. Cooper, a rheumatologist.”

She gave me the phone number for Dr. Cooper’s office, told me to call after lunch to schedule my appointment, and the whole time, my mind was reeling.

Really high DS DNA.

Lupus.

Dr. Mongelluzzo had read my results. You know, the doctor who owns the practice — the one I’d originally wanted to see because he’d diagnosed my aunt’s friend’s Mystery Autoimmune Disease, but couldn’t get in to see for two months, so I made an appointment with Pam instead. Dr. M read my results, when he’s never been involved with my care before. To me, this says that this high DS DNA thing is a big deal.

Dr. Cooper — another rheumatologist.

When I hung up, I leaned back in my chair, my head tilted back, closed my eyes, and tried to decide whether I felt like screaming, laughing, jumping up and down, or crying.

A few seconds later, Mike walked into the room talking about something, then stopped short and asked if I was okay. I still couldn’t decide how I felt, but as I told him what Yuri had said on the phone, the tears spilled over anyway.

The more I talked to him, the more I realized how much I dreaded seeing yet another doctor. Dr. Cooper will be my third rheumatologist. The good news is, the rheumatologist who told me to try a psychiatrist works for the same medical group and is in the same building, so if I do get a diagnosis out of this, I’m going to make sure I pay her a visit.

When I told my mom about the blood work results, she said she’d thought it might be Lupus when she’d seen the rash thing on my chin.

I’m still not completely sure how I feel. I guess I’m kind of anxious, kind of scared, kind of relieved, kind of curious… I’m definitely intrigued by the fact that I seem to get actual results in my blood work whenever I get it done during a flareup of some sort. My DS DNA was borderline the first time it was tested; it was enough to say, “Hey! I’m an autoimmune disease, but sorry, can’t tell you which one or how severe!” This time, it’s practically screaming, which also kind of says, “Guess what? Whatever is wrong with you is getting worse! Hahaha!”

I want a diagnosis… but do I want a diagnosis? What I really wanted was for the PA I saw on Friday to tell me that the thing on my face was just eczema. I wanted to believe that maybe all of these symptoms are just insignificant things, overamplified in my head to make it seem like it’s something, but really isn’t. I also wanted to be verified as a non-crazy person, with something actually wrong with me.

I am a fucking paradox.

I am also sorry that this is all over the place. It’s been a long day.

Also? I miss my Popi.