Tag Archives: perpetual smile

Letting go and moving forward

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Sometimes, in order to move forward, we have to leave things behind. It’s never easy to leave these things behind, but by doing so, we become lighter so that we can hold more of what is just ahead.

That’s how I interpret the adage, “When one door closes, another opens.”

I’m sure you can guess where this is going.

I have been blogging personally for about ten years. Maybe more, but I feel old if I think about it too hard. I started off in Diaryland or My Own Journal or something like that, moved to LiveJournal, and then found WordPress and have been using it ever since. I’ve always written about my life and what I was going through in a physical, paper journal, but I found blogging to be more rewarding. I made a lot of friends while sharing my life, and met a lot of people going through similar things. It was comforting, knowing that there was always someone out there listening.

I used to look at my blog as a security blanket. I couldn’t go a day without writing in it. More and more, though, I’m finding myself going days without even thinking about it, and when I do finally think about my blog, I realize I have nothing I feel the need to write about. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time — even before I mentioned anything — and I’ve decided that it’s time to move on.

Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against personal blogging. I’ve just come to a point in my life where I have no use for having my own personal blog. I want to focus on the adventure ahead of me: going back to school for my B.A. in English so that I can read and write for a living. I want to spend my time reading and writing, and not worrying about updating my personal blog or Twitter account so that people don’t think I’ve fallen off of the planet. I want to spend more time nurturing Freaking Bookworm, because I’ve finally found my “niche” in the blogosphere.

I want to shed the things I no longer need or use so that I can make room for the things ahead. I want to simplify, instead of collecting.

I’ve felt lighter ever since I made this decision.

I’m not just shedding my blog, though. I’m cutting down on all of the domains I own. I’m not using more than half of them, so I’m letting them just expire. I’m letting go of my @elizawhat account on Twitter and just using @freakingbookwrm. I’m looking for someone to take over Letters of Love. I’m getting rid of all nine-hundred of my email addresses, and just using liz@freakingbookworm.com. I’m considering deleting my Facebook, too.

I feel so good about all of this, even though it does make me a little sad. There is so much ahead, though, that I don’t feel empty the way I would have if I’d made this decision a few months ago.

I’ve already set up my new email address, but I don’t have a definite date yet for when I’m killing everything else. You all know where to find me, though, and of course, I know where to find you.

It's time to get serious

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Just to let you know, I’ve password-protected the few stories I’ve posted here (as well as the poems and short stories I’ve posted on Perpetual Smile), because I’ve recently discovered that a lot of publishers won’t accept stories that have been published on a blog — unless they are password-protected.

In the future, if I post any stories here, they will be password-protected as well so that I can get some critique (because you guys totally rock at helping me improve my stories). As with any other password-protected post, just email me for the password. (:

How did we get here?

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Strolling down my memory lane, looking at all of the faces and the places, makes me proud to have known the people I knew. It warms my heart to see them now, see them living lives that maybe aren’t the same lives we planned on, but wonderful anyway.

There are some friends I wish I could have again, but knowing they’re doing well is enough for me, you know?

People I knew then now make lives, save lives, change lives. It’s interesting that our paths cross again and again, as though we aren’t quite meant to be the kind of friends who stand together throughout time, but the kind of friends who can pick up where they left off years ago, fill each other in on the now, and then part ways again.

Sometimes, it saddens me that I don’t have many Always friends. In fact, the only real Always friends I have at the moment are my sister and Mike. I know a lot of my other friends and acquaintances would be taken aback if they heard me say that, but these Sometimes friends are just that: sometimes.

For example, I have a wonderful friend named Jillian. I love her to pieces, and love every second of the time we spend hanging out. It’s one of those friendships where, when we finally check the time, we’re amazed that we’ve actually just sat talking and being silly for eight whole hours. Unfortunately, these get togethers only occur maybe once a month. We could easily be best friends, the kind of friends — Always friends — who hang out once or twice a week. For whatever reason, it doesn’t happen. The friendship borderlines Acquaintance and Best Friends Forever, though it’s always easy to pick up where we left off.

A few of my friendships are like that. We’re great when we spend time together, but it’s rare.

Then, there are the friendships I’d rather keep strictly as acquaintances. These are the friends who I care about but can’t seem to relate to anymore, for whatever reason. Maybe I am too judgmental, too stuck up, but some people I used to respect now engage in activities I would have never saw them doing three years ago. I choose not to put myself in those environments, so I never call these friends. I keep them at arm’s length. I have a hard time telling them I disapprove because, at one point, I tried to mother a friend and the friendship ended up crumbling. We were both at fault, yes, but I will never treat a friend as though she or he is my rebellious child ever again. Once I recognized this self-righteous part of me, I smushed it, quickly. Unfortunately, I think it is still there a little, because I look down on the people I once knew who vehemently participate in the sex, drugs, rock and roll lifestyle, and I keep them far away from me.

I care about them, but I can’t allow myself to get mixed up in that scene.

Maybe that’s why I hardly have any friends. Maybe I’m too judgmental. I would like to be more open minded, but there is a line I draw.

Does anyone else feel this way?

I killed Perpetual Smile

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The plan was to move Perpetual Smile from one server to the other. I exported all of my posts and comments out of WordPress — or so I thought — and proceeded to change the perpetualsmile.net domain name to my new host’s nameserver. Apparently the evil troll that lives amongst the 0′s and 1′s of the interwebs and my computer decided to destroy my backup, so when I went to upload the WordPress file to my new WordPress installation on the new server, it yelled at me and declared that the file was empty.

And the file, indeed, was empty.

(Damn you, troll! Damn you!)

It took a while for it to sink in, but then it did: two years of posts were GONE.

First, denial.

“It’s lying! I’ll upload it again!”

Same error message from WordPress: “File is empty. Go to hell, stupid incompetent human.”

Then, musing.

“How could this happen? I should have double-checked the backup. No, I wouldn’t have had any way of knowing. Dammit, I should have moved Freaking Bookworm first, as a test. Those posts are less important!”

Suddenly, anger.

“Damn you, troll! Damn you! Damn you!”

Slowly, acceptance.

“They’re really gone. Two years. All gone.”

After that, action.

“Screw it. Guess I’m migrating to my new blog domain, the one I was going to move to way after this server move. The one that I couldn’t bear to move to because I was so attached to Perpetual Smile.”

But then, another wall!

“The hell? Why isn’t my nameserver changing for elizawhat.com? Why are you mocking me, digital gods? WHY?”

Panic.

“I don’t want to lose my readers. I need my blog, like Linus needs his blanket. Oh my Google, I can’t survive! The world is ending! Why won’t the stupid nameservers change?”

Desperation.

“Let me check it again, one more time… Oh! It’s there! On the new server! I can blog again!”

Too bad I can’t hug my domain. I’d be wrapping it in a koala-on-a-tree hug.

I’m still trying to accept that two years of blogging are gone. My favorite posts, my favorite comments — gone. Even the posts that made people come running to check me out that helped my little blog grow just a little more… are gone.

Enter Bugs Bunny: “Agony, oh, agony, agony…”

I know that I could still use Perpetual Smile, but the memories are gone. If I could get the stupid database backup that I downloaded to actually import correctly, I might be able to restore them, but I’m still going to make my new home here. This change has been a long time coming.

I think I may also have a backup of Perpetual Smile from a few weeks ago, so I might upload that if I do indeed have it. That way, at least my old blog won’t be so empty, and I’ll be able to look over most of my old posts.

Either way…

Rest in peace, Perpetual Smile.

Update: Perpetual Smile is back up — down to the latest post! When I downloaded the backup, for some reason WordPress gave me two files. One was empty and the other? Had all of my posts! I don’t know why WP did that, but I don’t really care now that I have all of my posts back.

Interview with Faiqa

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Faiqa is hot. Seriously. When I first saw her Gravatar on one of her comments I thought, “I have to be that hot chick’s friend.” I’m probably a whore or something, because all of my female internet friends are hot. (But you guys rock, too, so it all balances out!)

Anyway, Faiqa was recently interviewed by Sheila and asked if anyone else wanted to be interviewed. I’m really glad I volunteered now, because I feel so out of it that anything else I could possibly post would just be whinewhinewhine and a lot of random weirdness.

I could go on and on and talk about how my silly self didn’t realize I had to post the interview and emailed it back to her instead, but I won’t give Sarcastica any more ammo. ;)

  1. I was a total idiot when I was twenty. So, come on. You’re really 20? You can’t be 20. You really are? OK, then. Tell me, how does it feel to be the most mature twenty year old on the planet? Do you get along with people your age or do you have a lot of friends who are older than you?

    Yeah, I’m really twenty. And I’m always the baby in whatever group I’m hanging out in. Mike — my boyfriend — is four years older than me. All of my other friends — except like two of them — are older than me. I don’t really relate to people my age. I’ve always related better to people older than me. I used to think something was wrong with my brain, but if you’re saying I’m the most mature twenty-year-old…. Hmn. That could go to my head…

  2. Mike sounds hot. What does he look like?

    Mike IS hot. When I first met him, I thought, “wow, this hot guy really wants to hang out with ME?” Heh. He’s 6’2″ and has the most intense, smoldering blue eyes… He’s got a full beard and mustache and he likes to shop. He even carries my things when we’re shopping! I’m one lucky gal.

  3. How was the name “Elizabeth Kaylene” selected for you? If you’re named after Queen Elizabeth I, the Virgin Queen, I’m going to be intensely jealous.

    The name Elizabeth is sort of a family name. It was my maternal great-grandmother’s middle name, and I think it was even in the family before her. Initially my parents — particularly my dad — wanted to name me Kaylene, but I have a cousin named Katelyn so they thought it would be too close. (I have a feeling someone in the family bitched about it being too close, so my parents changed their minds to keep things smooth, but no one’s asked me!) So I got stuck with Elizabeth Kaylene. I like it now, but when I was a kid I got the worst nicknames. Lizardbreath, Lesbo… Yeah. If I’d been born a boy I’d have been named Nicholas.

  4. If you could meet three fiction writers, alive or dead, who would you choose? Why?

    I’d love to meet Stephen King, because he has one fucked up — ‘scuse my Italian — mind. I’d really like to see where half the stuff he comes up with comes from. I’d also like to meet Tess Gerritsen. She seems really nice. She has a blog that I keep forgetting to go check… She responds to comments! You don’t see that a lot. I really like her Maura Isles books. And, um, I guess I’d also like to meet Sylvia Plath. I know, that sounds SO cliche, but she really was brilliant and I think we have a lot in common. Not to say that I’m brilliant. I just mean that she knew what it was like to be suffocatingly depressed, and you don’t meet a lot of people who are THAT honest about depression. I think she and I would be good friends.

  5. Perpetual Smile? I’m dying to know how you came up with such a clever name. And do you have a perpetual smile? Even when you’re asleep?

    I came up with the name Perpetual Smile a long time ago, when my cousin and I had visions of grandeur and thought we were gonna start a band. She wanted to name this non-existent band Black Noise and I wanted Perpetual Smile. The name just always stuck with me, so when I decided to buy my own domain for a blog it was basically all I had. I’m actually pretty pessimistic, so it’s kind of a private oxymoron. Mike’s the one who’s perpetually sunny. Not me! A lot of people think I’m positive though. I think they’re all nuts.

So I guess I’m supposed to keep this going! If anyone wants to be interviewed, either comment here or send an email to elizawhat [at] gmail [dot] com. Thanks, Faiqa!

Updated @ 10:01pm: I will be writing about my chronic pain at Scars Can Speak from now on. The latest update is up: What long fingers you have! I’ll still write about it here, but I’ll be writing about it daily over at Scars Can Speak.