Don’t be surprised if I start doing only vlogs! I’m loving it. I like my webcam much better than the regular Kodak, though. I hate that my Kodak auto-focuses and you keep hearing that weird sound as it does it.
I had a bad day yesterday. It wasn’t the whole day that was bad, though. It was more like a bad moment. I got into a big fight with my sister, over something really stupid, and it wasn’t until after that I realized what was wrong. I was (and still am) anxious about next Tuesday’s appointment with my rheumatologist, and hadn’t had a cigarette in a couple of days. I’ve been sick with a sinus infection, so I haven’t been smoking, and the night before last, I decided to try to just quit. Apparently it’s easier when you accidentally quit.
The anxiety from both was affecting my self-esteem, so I was overly sensitive to some things she said, and overly sensitive after the fight itself. I was also super angry, for no reason. I was literally seconds away from hitting her. I’ve never wanted to hit someone like that. Because I didn’t want to hit my own sister (especially over shoes that I’d tripped over), I left the house and went to the gym instead.
We were both immature, but I was not proud of myself for letting my emotions get that out of control. You probably wouldn’t have been able to tell by looking at me, but it took every atom in me to refrain from slapping her. I am not an angry person. Sometimes I’m super impatient, yes, but I’m not angry — and I’m not violent.
I realized something important: In order to be good to others, and to feel good on the inside, you have to be good to yourself. We all have some kind of demon, whether it’s depression, chronic illness, or something else. It’s important to care about ourselves and do little things… like dressing up the outside, to feel better inside! Today I woke up, took a shower, dressed, and did my makeup — even though I didn’t have any plans to go anywhere.
Feel good on the outside, and you'll feel good on the inside
Dress — Charlotte Russe, $10
V-neck tee — Forever 21, $3.80
Lace tights — Charlotte Russe, $2.99
Thigh-high socks — Charlotte Russe, $2.99
Boots — Charlotte Russe, $20
Bangles — Charlotte Russe, $4
Necklace — Target? I bought it a long time ago
Sanity — Priceless
I know I don’t look too excited in the picture, but I feel great.
I fucking love Bare Minerals.
I also used my new Bare Minerals makeup for the second time. I feel like this time I did it much better than the first. Dark circles and shiny forehead? Me? Don’t know what you’re talking about! (The eyeliner and mascara are Maybelline, I think.)
I bought a few skirts this weekend, as well. Since I don’t fit into jeans very well right now and refuse to buy another size up, I bought skirts (with stretchy bands), tights, and thigh-high socks so that I can wear them in this cold and still be warm. Just the small act of buying clothes I fit into makes me feel so good. I also bought a new bra, another size up, so now I don’t feel like I’m suffocating.
I’m still working on losing weight, yes, but now when it comes time to get dressed, I’m not seconds away from a breakdown because nothing fits. If you’re trying to lose weight, too, I found Elessa’s tips really helpful:
I especially find the tips on eating — such as imagining a line across your plate, and making your meal last twenty minutes — really helpful. I really love food, so when something is good, I will just swallow it down. I’ll have seconds and even thirds, whether I’m full or not. I also like the idea of getting a kids’ meal if you have to have fast food. We all know how much I love my Burger King cheeseburgers! And, I agree that you shouldn’t deprive yourself; if you’re having a craving, Elessa says to just have a little bit, instead of not at all and making yourself want it so bad that you overeat.
I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. I believe that every day is a fresh start. I’ve been trying to lose weight for a while. I’ll get serious for a bit, then fall back into old habits and complain about my clothes not fitting. I’m serious, this time. I’m creating new habits, and being good to myself. Anxiety can take a fucking hike.
How do you treat yourself?
I wish the holidays were over already. Aside from being super stressed out about projects for clients, and worrying like crazy about Popi, I’m now barely going to see Mike on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.
In years past, Toys R Us closed at like 6 on Christmas Eve and wasn’t open at all on Christmas Day. This year, they’re still closed on Christmas Day, but they’re open until 8 on Christmas Eve. Scratch that, as of today; Corporate sent an email at the last possible fucking minute and told everyone that they’d be open until 9.
What. The. Fuck.
Why does this matter?
Let me back up. Initially, Mike was scheduled until 8. He was trying to find someone to switch with so he could come over my house and have dinner with Noni, Popi, Biz Noni, Mom, Dad, Lauren, Aunt Wendy, Uncle Lonny, and I, but couldn’t, so he was going to see if he could just leave early because they will probably be dead. Now that they’re going to be open until 9, his boss asked him to stay until they close.
And he agreed.
Trust me when I say he already knows how pissed I am about this.
I understand why he’s doing it. Right now, he’s on great terms with his boss and the district manager, and he really wants to keep those relationships positive in case any higher positions open up. I get that. But still, I had a perfect picture of how Christmas would go, and now it’s just not going to be like that. I can’t help but be selfish and want to have things go my way. So much has not gone my way these last couple of years: my own health, my grandfather’s health, my living situation… I know I should just shut the fuck up and be grateful for what I’ve got. I know that. So many other people have it worse. It just feels like I’ve had a shitty line of luck lately and I guess I was depending on the holidays to be perfect so it could all be better.
To make things worse, I have a huge project deadline for the end of the month that can bleed into the first week of January because of some crazy server issues, but the deadline is making me nauseous because with all of the holiday shit going on, I have barely had time to work on it. Add a whole lot of lack of motivation, and I’m pretty fucked. Fuck you, depression. You’re such a greedy asshole.
So it’s no wonder that I’ve (sort of) picked up smoking again. I made sure not to buy myself a lighter tonight when I picked up a pack of Marlboro Lights. I’ve only had one so far. I don’t feel like I need one now, which is good, I guess. Right now, it’s either smoke or kill someone. Or run away to Florida.
It’s hard to get in the holiday spirit when so much shit is all fucked up. I miss being a little kid, and having only one worry this time of year: Santa not knowing that I really want a Gigapet, or whatever toy. (One year, I asked him every night before bed during this season to bring me a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup. No lie. My love of Reeses started early.)
This year, Santa, all I want is to feel better. Actually, scratch that. I just want everything to go back to the way it was in mid November, when everything was better. When Daddy didn’t lash out every five seconds because he is hurting so badly inside. When I would go to the Barnes and Noble Cafe every afternoon to write with a Pumpkin Spice Latte at my side. When we looked forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas, not a care in the world. When I thought Popi might just have arthritis or a sciatic nerve problem, or something FIXABLE, dammit.
Right now, it feels like nothing in my life is fixable. I feel like I have no friends. I feel like I can’t rant too much to Mike because he is already stressed out enough and I know that by whining that he has to work late tomorrow night, I’m only making it worse. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around my whole family, because I don’t want to say out loud that shit, I don’t believe in god so I have no fucking clue where my grandfather is going to go when he dies.
Fuck.
There it is, guys. There it fucking is.
Remember how I graduated with an A.S. in Multimedia/Web Authoring from the community college I went to? For that degree, I had to take two college-level English courses: ENG-101 and ENG-112. ENG-101 was all about essay writing. We read a lot of different sources and then wrote very complicated essays. Some of the topics were pretty deep for a freshman level class, but I loved it. I learned a lot about how to write an essay, and a lot of the things my high school teachers had taught me got thrown out. (For instance, I could use the first-person when writing a paper.)
Then came ENG-112, which focused more on literature and writing in response to that literature. I enjoyed the stories, but my assignments weren’t as tough as they’d been in ENG-101. I sucked it up and finished, and then thought I’d never have to take another English course again; even though reading and writing are my strong points, I was excited to have crossed those off my To Do list for my degree.
When I graduated and then decided to transfer to the university I’m attending, I assumed both of those English courses would transfer over. How could they not?
Except, they didn’t. At least not completely. And I couldn’t explain it to you even if I tried, because I’m still not sure I get it.
Both times I met with an advisor to register for classes (I had to drop out the first time because I couldn’t afford it), I was told that my ENG-101 transferred but the ENG-112 didn’t because, at Southern, it’s part of my Communications requirement. Which made sense, because at NVCC ENG-112 was about literature. I didn’t protest because how could a second-level college English class hurt me?
Fast forward to last night, when I sat with my eyebrows crinkled. Why is he going over the essay rubric piece by piece now when we had to read it over for homework? I tapped my pen and began to jot down ideas I had for a new thesis. Suddenly, I sat up fast in my seat. The syllabus, I need the syllabus! I opened my folder and pulled out the syllabus.
The very first line said, “Please note that ENG-112 used to be ENG-101.” Now I knew why we were going through the writing process so slowly. I sat in shocked, frozen silence for a long time. How could they do this to me? Why, instead of moving forward with my college education, was I suddenly thrown not one, but two steps back? Why would they make a transfer student take the same beginner’s class again?
I tried to focus my attention on my open notebook and the new ideas I had scribbled on it, but my mind raced. Should I go to the temporary advisor I’d met with earlier this summer? Should I talk to my professor after class and see what he thought? Should I go to the Chair of the English Department and demand that something be changed for me? I envisioned running around chasing people the same way I had chased down the Dean of Academic Affairs when trying to graduate from NVCC when an advisor had told me to take the wrong class — and that wrong class eventually almost prevented me from graduating.
Okay, I thought. I can either drive myself crazy trying to get this fixed (and it probably won’t happen anyway), or I can just suck it up and deal with it. I can ask Will if I can change my thesis for this essay, and explain to him my situation, and see if I can make this work.
And just like that, I let it all roll off of me. I didn’t think I was even capable of such a thing, but I guess I am!
PS: I have not smoked a cigarette since my birthday, when I partied a lot and smoked a little (and decided that, even drunk, I no longer like cigarettes). I miss them a little sometimes, but mainly I’ve been doing just fine without them.
I’m on a bad luck streak. Ready? Set? Go!
Michael and I almost broke up this weekend. We got into several huge fights (which we’ve been doing a lot of lately), and I really thought it was over. Finally, his wit and good looks won me over again and I forgot why I was mad. I guess the old saying, “what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger,” is true. Every time we go through this we end up being closer and stronger. Not to say that I enjoy fighting with him. I’d rather play Street Fighter II and Castle Crashers together like we did last night.
Naturally, the video game spree didn’t last long. It feels like someone is grinding the bones in my hands together. I really wish this would just go away already. It seems to be getting worse, and it’s actually to the point where I’m so used to being in pain that for the most part it doesn’t even phase me anymore.
Things wouldn’t be so bad if I haven’t had my — sorry, guys — period for twelve days now. It was thirteen days late — yes, I keep religious track — and now that it finally came it won’t go away. I think it’s safe to say that I need to change my birth control. I’d apologize again, but it’s natural. Then again, natural for me is just four or five days, not two freaking weeks!
Of course, my phone had to crap out today. It’s been turning itself on over and over again lately — without turning itself off first, mind you — and I knew it was coming, but still. On top of everything else I have to buy a new phone now. It wouldn’t be such a big deal, since I didn’t always have a cell phone anyway, but I recently put my resume in with a freelancing firm and we’ve been playing phone tag. Now they have no way of getting in touch with me.
Speaking of web design, I still need to buy Adobe Creative Suite software so that I can work. And of course I need to finish fixing the Sunfire so I can get to work, and to get to the English class this summer that’s costing me over a thousand dollars.
So, obviously, you all need to send me checks with at least three digit amounts. It only makes sense. 
The good news is, I finally finished the redesign for the Letters of Love website. It still has a few bugs (especially in the Community), but it’s functional. So far it’s gotten a lot of praise, which makes me feel good despite everything that’s been going wrong lately. Go check it out and let me know what you think! And yes, this is shameless self-promotion. 
PS: I haven’t cheated on quitting smoking in two weeks!
