Tag Archives: rheumatoid arthritis

My nails are clubbing, and not the good kind

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This morning I noticed that my index fingernail looked kind of… weird. What the fuck did I do to it? I wondered. Shortly after, I realized that the same fingernail on my other hand looked the same — as if the nail had arched into an hourglass shape on its own. I looked at my other fingernails and they all looked fine… except for both of the index fingers’ nails.

My right index fingernail

My right index fingernail

The photo is kind of blurred — you can thank my Kodak software, which deleted the nice, clean photos Mike took, when I transferred them to my laptop, so now I just have the ones I took on my own with my BlackBerry — but you can still see the clubbing.

Fingernail clubbing

Fingernail clubbing

Okay, this one is clearer, and you can see it a lot better.

Anyway, when I first noticed it this morning, I tried to ignore it. I made it all the way to the end of my work day, and then I broke down and did some sleuthing on Google. It turns out that my fingernail “deformity” is a medical condition called fingernail clubbing. I only figured it out after Googling “nail deformities” or something like that, and found this slideshow. Obviously, my case is not as bad as the image they use, but the description fits. As soon as I read “clubbing is also associated with inflammatory bowel disease,” I went into SUPER GOOGLE MODE and Googled “nail clubbing.” I learned that:

  • nail clubbing is not painful (so at least there’s that)
  • it could be a whole lot worse than the case I have
  • it’s a definite sign of something going bananas in my body — most likely inflammatory bowel disease

Since Inflammatory Bowel Disease is caused by Rheumatoid Arthritis, I’m guessing that this is just a happy little chain reaction. I always knew that you could see your general health in your fingernails, but damn. As the day has done on, the clubbing has gotten worse, and is now in most of my fingernails. I have a feeling it’s going to get worse… but as sick as this might sound, I’m hoping it does; come Monday, if it’s still there, I’m calling out of work and calling my rheumatologist. I cannot wait until Thursday when I see my gastroenterologist. This could be a very important piece of the puzzle, though I might not like the final answer.

I’ve accepted that this is all my reality. For the past two weeks, I have been in nonstop pain (except, of course, when I take my medications). I have spent an awful lot of time laying in bed. Last night, I finally broke down in tears as I drove to pick up Mike from work. I’m tired, and I’m tired of being in pain. I’m tired of popping pills to try to alleviate said pain. I am on a 24/7 pill schedule (which I created through trial and error last weekend).

At 6:30am, I wake up to my alarm. It takes me almost ten minutes to get out of bed most mornings, because I’m so stiff. Usually, taking Tramadol and Tylenol Extra Strength the night before helps with the morning stiffness. (Please, please do not hold back your morning stiffness jokes in the comments. I could use the inappropriate giggles.) When I finally make it out of bed and into the bathroom, I take a Skelaxin. Skelaxin only works for the first half of the day (though I am still experimenting with the timing of the second dose). Later on at night, I take my Tramadol/Tylenol cocktail. If I take it too close to my last dose of Skelaxin, I get really fucking dizzy and physically cannot be vertical. (There’s a joke in there. I’m leaving it up to you, dear readers. Comment away!)

I go to sleep shortly after, and then I wake up in the morning and do it all over again.

It is fucking exhausting.

But here we are. I have finally accepted this as reality. My Mystery Autoimmune Disease is kicking my ass. I’m terrified that I’m going to end up unable to work a job where I leave the house and work in an office for eight hours. This entire last week has been hell. My feet have been too swollen to wear regular shoes, like sneakers, so I’ve been wearing my Nike sandals. I don’t know if it’s because the joints are swollen or what, but about an hour into wearing anything other than my Nike sandals, I have to get my feet the hell out of those shoes — as if I’ve been standing on them all day. Top that with intense joint pain 24/7, and fatigue, and the Inflammatory Bowel issues, and by the end of my work day, I’m completely spent. You wanna talk about being out of spoons? Every day this week, I’ve had two or three spoons a day. Today I actually felt good. I was still in pain, of course, and constipated, but the pain was a 3/10 instead of a 7/10 or 10/10 or 100/10 (like last night). Even then, eight o’clock smacked me in the face with a good dose of fatigue.

I have been trying for days to write about this, and kept hitting a wall. (Yesterday, I didn’t even try. I just laid in bed watching Batman Beyond.) This afternoon, while driving home, I accepted this as my reality. Like my mom said, tomorrow this flareup could be over and I could feel kinda normal. I hate to say it, but I feel like normal of four years ago is far behind me, and that the only thing ahead of me is illness — nail clubbing and all.

But I’m not just going to give up. I might not be able to get better like you can with a sinus infection or the flu, but I can hold on to my dreams. I can hold on to the fact that I have a man who loves me so much that he will lead me to my bed when my medications overlap, tuck me in, and do everything I would normally do — like save my blog drafts before shutting down my laptop, move my comics to a safe place so that Squirt doesn’t mistake them for chew toys, and get my earplugs — so that I can avoid being vertical and falling over. I can hold on to the fact that my cat comforts me when I’m in agony. I can hold on to the fact that I have awesome family and friends (both off- and online).

I have to admit, I never thought this disease would take me to a day where I’d have to stay in bed, but I’ve found that this is my reality more and more. Fortunately, I have a nice collection of DVDs and books for those days when I just have to stay in bed.

On treatment and nose-picking

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I’ve been pretty quiet lately, in general. I’ve just been kind of… processing, I guess. To be completely honest, I’m very stressed, very depressed, and completely exhausted. My blood pressure is scientific proof. There’s so much going on, I can’t seem to catch up. But today I actually got some good news.

Well, okay, so it’s not actually news yet, but I think it’s a step forward.

I saw my rheumatologist today to follow up on last week. (I just realized that I haven’t posted the vlog I made about last week’s fantastical random health issue. The video below is from last Friday, and explains everything.)

I’m a bad girl and didn’t see my gynecologist, but mostly because the cream that Sandy gave me was helping, and I

It cleared up completely, and I’ve just been trying to get rid of the athlete’s foot now (which I didn’t mention in the video, but I’ve had it between my toes for weeks). It’s gotten a lot better, and even Dr. Greco said so today. After doing some thinking, I figured that my diaper rash actually was a diaper rash, from the back-to-back IBS issues lately. Even if it was a yeast infection, the Nystatin that Sandy gave me is also an anti-fungal, so I killed two birds with one stone. I can also use it on my athlete’s foot (which sounds grosser than “yeast infection,” by the way).

However, because my body likes messing with me, I had a new issue to discuss with my rheumatologist today. Since this Monday, I’ve had this burning sensation across my cheeks, as if I have a really bad sunburn. It’s not really red, but it is uncomfortable. When I’m in the sun, it feels worse — just like a sunburn would. I haven’t been in the sun enough to have a burn, and I don’t burn easy anyway, so it’s odd. I thought on Monday that I had a fever, but my temperature was only 98.9, which is like .3 degrees above normal — nothing that would make my cheeks feel like that. I did some research and thought that it might be a Malar rash, but Dr. Greco didn’t seem to be concerned, so I’m just going to hit the STOP BEING PARANOID button and ignore it, unless something drastic happens (like an actual rash appears across my face, or something).

He did however set up the referral for my gastroenterologist, for my IBS issues. He said that Inflammatory Bowel Syndrome can be caused by the same inflammation that causes rheumatoid arthritis, but he does want to double check that nothing else is going on. “If,” he said, “Dr. Zlotoff says that the bleeding is not an issue, I’m going to start you on treatment for Rheumatoid Arthritis.”

Treatment.

Rheumatoid Arthritis.

Those are two things I’ve been wanting to hear — treatment, and a possible diagnosis — for years.

In the meantime, he gave me a prescription for Skelaxin, which he said helps with musculoskeletal pain. I will see him again in about a month, and have to set up an appointment with my gastroenterologist as soon as possible. (I’m going to call in the morning.)

My fingers are crossed that Dr. Zlotoff finds no issue aside from hemorrhoids with my IBS bleeding, so that I can start treatment pronto. If treatment for RA works, that means it’s most likely what I have.

I just want to take back control of my health.

In other news, the nose is doing well. I asked my body piercings expert, Crystal, if it was okay to use saline nasal wash for my sinus infection with the fresh piercing. I figured it would be fine, but I wanted to make sure. She told me that it would be fine since she uses sea salt to clean all of her new piercings, so I decided to try sea salt, too. I don’t know about anyone else, but trying to wash and rinse the inside of your nose with antibacterial soap is a pain in the ass. I started cleaning it with sea salt, gauze, and Q-tips for the first time a few nights ago, and I instantly noticed a huge difference. I could actually turn the stud without hassle, could raise it a little to clean underneath it, and best of all, it was a lot less sore after using the sea salt.

I keep forgetting that I have it, though; every so often, I’ll think to myself, “Damn, I have a huge booger in my nose! I should get it out…” And then I’ll yank my hand away as it starts to move toward my face, mentally scolding myself for nearly forgetting.

Being me is a lot of fun.

I can has Crohn's Disease?

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Seriously. I want Crohn’s Disease. Do you know why? Because it would be a diagnosis, finally, and it would make sense; my maternal aunt has Crohn’s Disease with rheumatoid arthritis.

Things are about to get icky. If you’re not down with the icky, I totally understand if you leave right now.

Let’s compare my symptoms to those of Crohn’s (and if Firefox knows what’s good for it, it will stop telling me that I am misspelling Crohn’s).

My Symptoms:
These occur during a flare-up* of whatever the fuck autoimmune disease I have.

  • Bubbles inside of mouth
  • Dull aching to sharp aching pain in arms, legs, hips, back
  • “Patches” on my hands and fingers that feel as if they have been scraped when touched but there is no visible injury. I’ve had these invisible patches since I was a little kid. I always thought it was normal.
  • Little “cysts” on my hands and fingers
  • Blood in and with my stools, very hard stools
  • Little “cysts” on my asshole (told ya it was about to get icky)
  • Styes on both eyes

*I say flare-up because the symptoms are not always present. I can go hours, days, weeks, sometimes months without any symptoms, and then BAM! A few of them or all of them pop up at once. Sometimes, they only last a few hours. Sometimes, they last days.

Symptoms of Crohn’s Disease:
Taken from MayoClinic

  • Diarrhea, though I have heard of some people with Crohn’s who have the opposite problem — my problem
  • Abdominal pain and cramping — When I looked up the symptom’s for Crohn’s last night, I suddenly thought of all of the times I had severe abdominal pain and cramping. I’d always thought it was normal, just my body’s way of saying, “Time to go!” but now I’m thinking it isn’t. Should I add it to the list?
  • Blood in your stool — Hi. I’ve filled a whole toilet with blood on several occasions. Talk about being on the verge of passing out. That is so not normal.
  • Ulcers — Meaning, ulcers in the intestine and in the mouth, similar to canker sores. My little “bubbles” don’t hurt, but they’re there. I have no way of knowing if I’ve got ulcers in my intestines without going for a colonoscopy. I’m not very keen on doing that.
  • Reduced appetite and weight loss
  • Fever
  • Fatigue — Fuck yes. I’ve had a lot of late nights lately, but sometimes even when I’m getting what I think is enough sleep, I’ll get hit with this “bone tired” feeling that I’ve never, ever felt before.
  • Arthritis — Even though all of my arthritis tests keep coming back normally, I’m pretty sure my pain is arthritic. I know I’m not crazy. Then again, crazy people don’t know they’re crazy. Oh fuck, I am screwed.
  • Eye inflammation
  • Skin disorders — You can file styes and eczema under “Skin Disorders.” I’ve had eczema for years but never attributed it to anything. More and more I am finding out that things I’ve always dealt with are probably related to my Mystery Autoimmune Disease.
  • Inflammation of the liver or bile ducts
  • Delayed growth or sexual development, in children

So is it Crohn’s? Maybe not. But I need a damn diagnosis, before I go crazy. It would make sense for it to be Crohn’s, since my aunt has Crohn’s.

I go back to see my PA on Friday. I haven’t seen her regarding all of this in a while. I was seeing a rheumatologist for a few months, but he is either very absentminded or crazy, because every time I see him he has a different plan or take on things, and he also seems to forget what I’m there for. I want to update Pam (my PA) with all of my symptoms and pick her brain on the Crohn’s. If I’m going to test the Crohn’s waters, I’m gonna have to get a colonoscopy, which is totally not cool but probably very necessary. Last time I mentioned my potty problems to her, she said if they persisted I would have to go get one. I became very careful not to mention it again because the thought of anything touching me there or going inside there sends me into tears. I have a good, very personal reason for not wanting to get the procedure done, but the symptoms have not gone away. They seem to be in sync with the rest of my symptoms, all popping up around the same time and then relaxing a little.

I think it’s time to take the next, very scary but very logical step and arrange for the colonoscopy so I can either check Crohn’s off the list or adopt it as my official autoimmune disease, and definitely so I can make sure none of my intestines are damaged.

Either way, it’s time to get back to sleuthing. My life is pretty much on hold until I solve my own episode of Mystery Diagnosis. I want my life back, and I’ll take whatever comes with the Mystery Autoimmune Disease if it means that I can have a diagnosis and treatment plan. I don’t care about a cure at this point. I just want to be able to have the future I’ve always wanted: marriage, a family, continuing with my career and other projects, continuing with my writing. I definitely can’t have any kids until I know what is going on.

So, to the doctor I go (again)!

PS (01/28/2010): Just fixed a bunch of typos. Sorry about that.