Tag Archives: squirt

My nails are clubbing, and not the good kind

Posted on by
5

This morning I noticed that my index fingernail looked kind of… weird. What the fuck did I do to it? I wondered. Shortly after, I realized that the same fingernail on my other hand looked the same — as if the nail had arched into an hourglass shape on its own. I looked at my other fingernails and they all looked fine… except for both of the index fingers’ nails.

My right index fingernail

My right index fingernail

The photo is kind of blurred — you can thank my Kodak software, which deleted the nice, clean photos Mike took, when I transferred them to my laptop, so now I just have the ones I took on my own with my BlackBerry — but you can still see the clubbing.

Fingernail clubbing

Fingernail clubbing

Okay, this one is clearer, and you can see it a lot better.

Anyway, when I first noticed it this morning, I tried to ignore it. I made it all the way to the end of my work day, and then I broke down and did some sleuthing on Google. It turns out that my fingernail “deformity” is a medical condition called fingernail clubbing. I only figured it out after Googling “nail deformities” or something like that, and found this slideshow. Obviously, my case is not as bad as the image they use, but the description fits. As soon as I read “clubbing is also associated with inflammatory bowel disease,” I went into SUPER GOOGLE MODE and Googled “nail clubbing.” I learned that:

  • nail clubbing is not painful (so at least there’s that)
  • it could be a whole lot worse than the case I have
  • it’s a definite sign of something going bananas in my body — most likely inflammatory bowel disease

Since Inflammatory Bowel Disease is caused by Rheumatoid Arthritis, I’m guessing that this is just a happy little chain reaction. I always knew that you could see your general health in your fingernails, but damn. As the day has done on, the clubbing has gotten worse, and is now in most of my fingernails. I have a feeling it’s going to get worse… but as sick as this might sound, I’m hoping it does; come Monday, if it’s still there, I’m calling out of work and calling my rheumatologist. I cannot wait until Thursday when I see my gastroenterologist. This could be a very important piece of the puzzle, though I might not like the final answer.

I’ve accepted that this is all my reality. For the past two weeks, I have been in nonstop pain (except, of course, when I take my medications). I have spent an awful lot of time laying in bed. Last night, I finally broke down in tears as I drove to pick up Mike from work. I’m tired, and I’m tired of being in pain. I’m tired of popping pills to try to alleviate said pain. I am on a 24/7 pill schedule (which I created through trial and error last weekend).

At 6:30am, I wake up to my alarm. It takes me almost ten minutes to get out of bed most mornings, because I’m so stiff. Usually, taking Tramadol and Tylenol Extra Strength the night before helps with the morning stiffness. (Please, please do not hold back your morning stiffness jokes in the comments. I could use the inappropriate giggles.) When I finally make it out of bed and into the bathroom, I take a Skelaxin. Skelaxin only works for the first half of the day (though I am still experimenting with the timing of the second dose). Later on at night, I take my Tramadol/Tylenol cocktail. If I take it too close to my last dose of Skelaxin, I get really fucking dizzy and physically cannot be vertical. (There’s a joke in there. I’m leaving it up to you, dear readers. Comment away!)

I go to sleep shortly after, and then I wake up in the morning and do it all over again.

It is fucking exhausting.

But here we are. I have finally accepted this as reality. My Mystery Autoimmune Disease is kicking my ass. I’m terrified that I’m going to end up unable to work a job where I leave the house and work in an office for eight hours. This entire last week has been hell. My feet have been too swollen to wear regular shoes, like sneakers, so I’ve been wearing my Nike sandals. I don’t know if it’s because the joints are swollen or what, but about an hour into wearing anything other than my Nike sandals, I have to get my feet the hell out of those shoes — as if I’ve been standing on them all day. Top that with intense joint pain 24/7, and fatigue, and the Inflammatory Bowel issues, and by the end of my work day, I’m completely spent. You wanna talk about being out of spoons? Every day this week, I’ve had two or three spoons a day. Today I actually felt good. I was still in pain, of course, and constipated, but the pain was a 3/10 instead of a 7/10 or 10/10 or 100/10 (like last night). Even then, eight o’clock smacked me in the face with a good dose of fatigue.

I have been trying for days to write about this, and kept hitting a wall. (Yesterday, I didn’t even try. I just laid in bed watching Batman Beyond.) This afternoon, while driving home, I accepted this as my reality. Like my mom said, tomorrow this flareup could be over and I could feel kinda normal. I hate to say it, but I feel like normal of four years ago is far behind me, and that the only thing ahead of me is illness — nail clubbing and all.

But I’m not just going to give up. I might not be able to get better like you can with a sinus infection or the flu, but I can hold on to my dreams. I can hold on to the fact that I have a man who loves me so much that he will lead me to my bed when my medications overlap, tuck me in, and do everything I would normally do — like save my blog drafts before shutting down my laptop, move my comics to a safe place so that Squirt doesn’t mistake them for chew toys, and get my earplugs — so that I can avoid being vertical and falling over. I can hold on to the fact that my cat comforts me when I’m in agony. I can hold on to the fact that I have awesome family and friends (both off- and online).

I have to admit, I never thought this disease would take me to a day where I’d have to stay in bed, but I’ve found that this is my reality more and more. Fortunately, I have a nice collection of DVDs and books for those days when I just have to stay in bed.

Shit that pisses me off: Weird dreams and chronic pain edition

Posted on by
6

I’ve always wanted to make a list of the shit that’s currently pissing me off, but never did because it somehow feels douche-y. Still, sometimes you just need to rant, so here we are.

I don’t understand why the new year starts in January. It’s confusing. It should start in March. Hear me out. We get winter starting at the end of the year, and it overlaps into the beginning of the year. So, if we want to refer to the winter of a particular year, how do we do that? If I say “Winter 2011,” am I talking about the winter in the beginning of the year, or the winter at the end of the year?

Our cats have been living together for over a year now and the fat one is still traumatizing my little one. After I spent the whole morning yesterday cleaning up puke, piss, and shit because Apollo wouldn’t let Squirt leave the corner to use the litter box, I felt like wringing his little neck. I told my mom when she got home from work. We said how we wished that the dining room door closed, and a little while later she rigged the dining room door with a bungee cord so that he can’t get in. She’s a smart cookie.

Since Mom rigged the door and we’ve been keeping the cats separated, I’ve seen a complete change in Squirt. She’s much more relaxed. She even purred at a normal volume last night when I was petting her. I also saw her use the litter box for the first time in a year without a hassle.

Apparently, pulling the bungee cord around the doorknob is too hard for my dad and sister, because they keep complaining about it. My dad also keeps complaining that this isn’t going to help them get along. They are never going to get along. It’s been over a year. If they were going to get along, they would have already started to. They are both the type of cat that has to be a single pet. Again, let me remind you that I cleaned up puke, piss, and shit all morning, and that every night they fight right over my head because her food is right near the head of my bed, and he doesn’t let her eat. If keeping the peace in the house means that we have to loop a bungee cord around the doorknob every time we go in and out, who cares? But I have a feeling that when I leave for Kaylene’s birthday party and then come home, the dining room door is going to be open and it’s going to be the same shit all over again because no one cares.

I don’t understand why we can’t all just be consistent. Aside from this, I’m the only one who ever punishes him for going after her. Mom puts him in the bathroom sometimes, but I’m the only one who sprays him with the water bottle and tries to teach him to listen to the word “NO.” It’s so frustrating.

I’m sick of being broke. I want to not worry about gas and lunch. I want to go out with friends I haven’t seen in a long time. I want friends who stopped inviting me out because I’m always broke to invite me out again. I want to pay off my bills and the debt that’s been stacking up. I want to start saving money for a place with Mike. I want to fix my car up so that it’s in top condition. I want to buy birthday presents for the birthdays I’ve missed so far: Kaylene’s, Lauren’s, and Mike’s mom’s. I cannot wait until March 4th, when I get my first full check.

I wish some of my so-called friends would get serious about our friendship. We make plans, they break them. I try to get in touch, they don’t call me back. I need someone to talk to, they just talk about themselves. Something important happens to them, they don’t tell me. (But when something bad happens to them, oh, you can bet they’re calling or texting or BBMing or emailing me to cry or vent about it!) I can honestly only think of one friend right now who has always been serious about our friendship. That friend? Is a guy. Maybe I am approaching this whole friendship thing wrong, and need to only be friends with guys.

I dreamed about SEO last night, and kept waking up over and over thinking, “I’ve got to remember that!”, only to forget two seconds later. The night before, I dreamed about spiders crawling on me. Before these last two nights, I had a couple of good nights of sleep, but before that I wasn’t really sleeping at all. Sleep hates me. I think my body hates me. I don’t know why I dreamed about SEO last night. It’s not like I had to work today! Maybe I’m stressing out a little about work. I do feel some pressure, but I didn’t think it was bothering me that much. Ugh.

My neck and shoulders have been stiff and sore for a week now, and my lower back has been aching for three or four days. All of my joints have been joining this aching chorus, too. I guess it’s stress, but it’s driving me crazy. There’s only so much Extra Strength Tylenol I can take before I have to give it a rest. Plus, really, no one likes being in pain all the time.

I guess that’s it for now. I need to go get ready for my goddaughter’s birthday party. She turned six on the ninth. Time really flies!

What’s really pissing you off right now?

My first grownup job

Posted on by
13

Last night I was super anxious and the depression was hitting me again. In fact, I barely slept. After waking up for the millionth time at about 6am, I changed my alarm from 8am to 8:30am. I probably shouldn’t have done that (because I ended up getting slightly lost and was a few minutes late), but I couldn’t stand the thought of only (maybe) getting another two hours of sleep.

As tired as I was, the interview went well. I thought I looked pretty damn good, for someone who hasn’t been sleeping. Mike kept saying I’m hot, so I guess it wasn’t just me! Heh. I really enjoyed the interview. The guy who interviewed me was a lot of fun to talk to. It reminded me of when I used to work at the paper, and my old boss Dan and I would talk about code and social media and stuff. Even the owner was laid back and really nice. He asked me how I would handle my first full-time job, and when I said coffee, they both laughed.

I probably had my hopes too high, because I expected to walk out of there with a job. When I walked out of there with a “We’ll be in touch,” I felt good, but a smidgen disappointed. He had told me he was very impressed with my resume, but that they were in their strategizing phase of marketing, so I figured they wouldn’t be hiring me any time soon, if I did get the job. He called about an hour later asking for some references. I gave him three: my old boss, a recent (and very happy) client, and my friend Sandy. Sandy told me that he said he was very impressed, and that he told her he’d heard very good things from my other two references (and of course my bestest best friend gave me a rocking reference by telling him he “wouldn’t find any better”)!

After he called me for references, I literally kept checking my phone every ten or twenty minutes, knowing that he leaves work at 4:30 and hoping he’d call with a job offer before then. When five o’clock hit and my phone had nothing to tell me, I sighed and told myself, Maybe they’ll call on Monday.

I pretty much fell out of my chair when I checked my email a couple of hours ago and found a job offer from the owner. I’d expected them to call me, so I’d never bothered checking my email, even though most of our correspondence so far has been through email! The job is full-time, with beautiful pay and benefits. I get paid holidays, which I’ve never had, as well as regular bonuses and pay increases as long as the company meets its monthly sales goals. Did I mention that the pay is SWEET?!

Pay and benefits and bonuses aside… I have a job. I. Have. A. Job.

The only downsides are:

  • I don’t start until the 14th, and the pay is biweekly, which means… I won’t see a paycheck for quite some time, and
  • I won’t be able to go to my weekly writers’ group at the community college anymore, since my hours are 8:30am to 4:30pm. We’ve always met at 4pm, but recently we moved the time to 2:30. I love my writers’ group, and I hate that I have to give it up, but at least now I have a job. I’m definitely sad about it, though.

Obviously, I’ve emailed them back and accepted. This is a huge weight off of my shoulders. I am going to have to defer my student loan repayment, and it’s going to be a little longer before I can get my websites back online¹, but at least now I have something.

I do have one pretty major concern about working full-time, but I’ll write about that tomorrow.

Anyway, enough about me. What good things happened to you this week?

PS: Squirt — my kitty — is doing just fine. I still have human mommy guilt, though.

¹My hosting was officially canceled on Monday, and today all of my sites are still online. I wasn’t billed or anything, either. I’m wondering if they do maintenance all at the same time, on the same day. Otherwise, it’s pretty weird. I’m not using them, though, because I have no idea how long this little “glitch” might last. I know they do backups on Sundays, so maybe they delete old sites on Sundays, too. Still, you’d think that a canceled plan would automatically delete content. Eh. Oh well.

I am the worst human mommy ever

Posted on by
9
My little cat.

My little cat.

Laugh at me if you want, but I feel horrible. I just used this aerosol static eliminator for the first time. I didn’t think about it at all, and just sprayed it on my afghan. My cat was laying on my sister’s bed a few feet away. I didn’t think at all. After I sprayed the afghan, I capped the static eliminator and started to tuck the blanket into my bed, thinking I’d spray the comforter next. (We’re almost out of dryer sheets and I didn’t want to waste them on bedding.) The next thing I knew, Squirt started wheezing, like she couldn’t breathe. I panicked and scooped her up. She felt so stiff and small in my arms. I started carrying her to my mom’s room. I must have been saying something — maybe soothing the cat, I don’t know — because my mom met me halfway in the kitchen. The second Squirt was out of the room I’d sprayed the stuff in, she was fine. In fact, she saw Apollo and just started growling.

But oh man, I would have died if something happened to her — especially because of me. I won’t ever spray that stuff near her again. How thoughtless of me! I feel so, so bad. This human mommy is on a guilt trip, which means my little cat is getting away with murder for the rest of the night.

I know it might sound silly to someone who isn’t an animal person, but my cat is like a child to me. She’s my best friend. (Don’t worry, I have human BFFs, too.) Even though she’s okay, I still feel horrible. I keep looking at her every few seconds to make sure she’s alive. My poor baby.

My head split open, I threw up… and then I found my Christmas spirit

Posted on by
6

I found my Christmas spirit. I was laying in bed the other night, pretty much dying of a migraine, when I realized I have a lot of people who love me: my mom made me ice packs and stroked my hair while I cried like a two-year-old who has skinned her knee, Mike tucked me into bed before he went to work, my dad sacrificed the TV so that my brain would stop feeling like it was swelling, and my cat snuggled up with me as if to keep watch. With all of that love, who cares whether I’m broke! Sounds magical, right? There was also throwing up and screaming. Trust me, it was not up to Disney standards. It was only my fourth migraine, but I swear each one is worse than the last.

Definitely puts things in perspective.

Apparently I’ve also never mentioned them to my mom before, so she wants me to tell Pam (my PA for those of you who are new) next time I see her. It may or may not have anything to do with the Mystery Autoimmune Disease, but they could probably give me good drugs for the next one — and there will almost definitely be a “next one.” I spent from 4:30 Wednesday night to most of Thursday in bed; even though I woke up and only a small, threatening headache remained, I was completely exhausted and decided what I needed most was rest.

Then, last night, I risked having another massive headache by going out and getting completely sloshed with a bunch of friends for Sandy‘s birthday. (I am so grateful to her for buying my drinks. I’m definitely getting her an awesome birthday/Christmas present.) I was so drunk that, when I woke up this morning before the sun was even up, I was still drunk, and when I woken up again around eight, I was tipsy. I woke up again at noon and was fine, though, so I guess I’m pretty lucky. I’ve only been hungover once and I intend to keep it that way, but last night I guess I tried pretty hard to get one! I know my limit, though, and stopped after… five drinks and two shots: two orange juices with Peach Tree and vodka, two shots of raspberry chocolate wine, and three vodka collinses. Eep. Yeah, I’m pretty damn lucky!

Oh well. I figure, I’m twenty-two, and pretty much have to do this. I enjoy it and enjoy the company. Our group always has a blast.

So yeah, if you see a video of me singing “Wannabe” with a couple of hot chicks, don’t be surprised. I was way too drunk to say no when Jess suggested it!