I keep thinking about the education field¹. The idea of getting up at the ass crack of dawn to go to work doesn’t thrill me, but I love, love, love the idea of working with kids. I also love the idea of making a difference.

Recently, I found out that my city’s community college is offering an Applied Behavior Analysis certificate program. The certificate opens a lot of doors in the psychology and education fields; you can apply it toward a Behavior Analyst Board Certification — which is available to those with Bachelors and Masters degrees — and can also apply it to Associates or Bachelors degree programs. I’m interested in it because, with the certificate and an Associates, you can get a job at a school as a paraprofessional (special needs student aid). (Since I already have an A.S., all I need is the ABA certificate.)

I’m starting to realize that I really want to work in education. I have doubts about it, but I think it’s stemming from the fact that I dropped out after half a semester; I think I’m afraid of failing again. Of course, at the moment I can’t afford to pursue my Bachelors, since I’m still paying off my student loans from that half semester. Sigh. However, this certificate program only requires four core courses and an internship, which means that by the time I’m done with this certificate, I’ll probably have paid off my student loan. I can get a job as an aid, and start on my Bachelors degree in Elementary Education (again), but part-time this time.

I think in the long run I want to be a reading specialist¹ — you know, the person who takes the kids who are having trouble with reading one-on-one during the day and helps them strengthen their skills. This requires a Masters degree, which is ironic because I never even wanted to get a Bachelors².

I know I said that I didn’t know what I wanted to do with myself now and that I felt lost, but I can’t stop thinking about being a teacher. Of course, I have plenty of time to think about it some more; I want to be positive that I want to do this, so that I can commit to it fully, so that I won’t run away scared if it’s too hard or if I get hit with a flareup. I was also — at the time — committed to helping my aunt, and wasn’t sure how I should go about things. Although my friend Tammy just told me about a job opening at her company for a marketing manager³, I think I’d rather find a retail job, since it would be more flexible while I’m getting the ABA certificate. However, the program director at NVCC told me that all of the courses will be offered in the evening to accommodate teachers and parents, so I could still take the job. I’m fairly certain that if I applied for it, I’d get it. (My self-esteem has gone back up in the last couple of days; I’ve been working really, really hard at building myself back up. If I wrote about this a couple of days ago, I’d be a lot less optimistic.)

I guess I really want to be sure about everything and have a solid plan set in my mind before I make a move. I’m going to think about that job opening, and I’m also going to think about the ABA certificate. Part of me wonders if I’m being too heavily influenced by what’s going on around me: my mom is back in school for her Masters, my sister is in her second semester at a four-year university, and Mike’s little brother is supposed to have an aid with him at all times but doesn’t, and is suffering for it. I also had a conversation on Christmas Day with Mike’s sister Britt’s boyfriend Tyson’s mom, Debbie. (What a long description! Maybe I should just start calling his family my in-laws, since we’re definitely getting married at some point anyway. I always thought that was silly if you’re not married yet, but I’m starting to think it’s a good idea if you know you will be.) Debbie is a special needs advocate, and has been working in the field for thirty years, I think she said. We were talking to Tracy (Mike’s mom) about Tony and how his PPT* was coming up. Debbie was giving Tracy some advice about Tony’s IEP*. Eventually Debbie and I got to talking about how I’d been going to school for Elementary Education, and how I still do this day think of all the kids — especially the ones who were struggling. Debbie said that she thought I was the type of person who needs to make a difference with my career.

It got me thinking about being a reading specialist. For one, I love reading. I also love working with kids, and I can’t stand the fact that there are so many kids who don’t get the help they need and deserve. I also thought long and hard about what Debbie said, and it’s true. Sure, I was helping businesses get their names out there when I was a web designer and social media marketing consultant, but I wasn’t making much of a difference. It’s true that I am the type of person who feels the need to reach out to others. I get that from my mom.

However, I’m very, very afraid of feeling like I’ve failed at anything right now. I was already afraid of failure before I lost my job. I am going to think about it some more — like I said, I’ve got until the summer — but I did really want to share these things with you guys.

¹I’ve wanted to write about my plans so, so many times, but the fear of changing my mind kept me from doing it. I wanted to be sure before I started talking about it.

²Hell, I didn’t even want to go to college period, because I hated high school and had no idea what I wanted to do.

³My main responsibilities would be marketing the company through social media, which happens to be my specialty. It’s also a full-time position, with vacation and a couple of other good benefits.

*PPT (planning and placement team) is a meeting where the parent(s), teachers, and other people involved in the child’s education get together to discuss the child’s IEP — individualized education plan. An IEP usually contains goals for the child that the team tries to accomplish by the end of the year, such as: “Improve child’s speech,” “improve child’s mobility with physical therapy,” “improve child’s reading level,” etc. (See? I learned a lot in that half semester at SCSU. I really, really enjoyed it. I was just so overwhelmed… I wish I’d stuck with it.)