Tag Archives: weird

All the white noise can't leave the scene behind

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The first time that I remember it happening, we lived at the duplex.

I sat in the pink upstairs bathroom, doing my business. Suddenly, as if listening to a radio, I heard a woman’s voice. I couldn’t make out anything she said; most of it was static and crackling. I looked out the window. No one there. No one lived downstairs or upstairs from us, and to my knowledge no one was playing a radio in the house. As crazy as this sounds, the static came from inside of me.

(Note: I don’t hear voices. Promise.)

I got the hell out of the bathroom as quickly as possible.

It happened every so often after that, in the same pink bathroom. Same woman’s voice, washed out by static.

White noise.

Another time, I sat on Mommy’s bed in my parents’ bedroom while Mommy read to Lauren and I. The phone rang and Mom answered it. I could hear my aunt. While Lauren and I sat waiting for the conversation to end so we could get back to whichever Narnia book we were on, I heard the white noise again.

I looked frantically at my sister. She heard nothing. I looked at Mom and tried to tell myself it was just my aunt’s voice that I was hearing, but it wasn’t. I tried to tell myself it was some radio station crossed with the phone lines or something, but it sounded exactly like the same woman’s voice, all muffled and drowned out by static. No one else heard it, either.

I was definitely creeped out.

Luckily, I haven’t heard it in years.

Until last night.

I usually go to bed listening to some kind of music on my BlackBerry (it’s also an mp3 player) — especially if I can’t sleep, am stressed, or worried (which I am, all three). Last night I plugged in my headphones, stuck them in my ears, and heard weird noise.

Not headphone feedback.

White noise.

I can’t even really explain it, but I know it wasn’t just a regular headphone thing.

I noticed that I had accidentally turned my camera on (there’s a button on the side), so I exited it and the white noise stopped. A second later, it started again.

No woman’s voice, but it was definitely there, and definitely creepy.

“Lauren?” I didn’t want to wake her up because I knew she had to go into work for five in the morning, but I had to make sure I wasn’t losing my damn mind.

“Hmn?” She turned toward me.

“Listen to this.” I handed her the headphones. “I don’t have music playing. I promise. Just listen.”

I watched her face as she listened. Her eyes widened a little. “That’s weird.”

“Isn’t it? It’s fucking creepy. White noise,” I said, taking the headphones back and putting them back in my ears. I could still hear it.

I hadn’t even thought about the white noise I heard as a kid until this morning, when I was on Twitter talking to Kreshnik.

I’m trying not to think about it anymore. What are some weird things you’ve experienced but couldn’t explain? Leave a comment and share it!

Once upon a time, I married a woman and then I walked around downtown

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I dreamed a bunch of weird shit the night before last (and didn’t write about it until now because THE NOVEL is taking all of my writing time). I know normally dream posts are annoying, but seriously? They were so funny and weird that I think you’ll appreciate them.

In the first dream, I was getting married. I blame Jess and Sarah, because they were talking about wedding dresses on Twitter the other night. Anyway, in the dream, I wore this impossibly weird dress. It was made out of doily fabric that looked papier mached, and I have no idea how I got it on. The wedding was inside some house, and everything was ready. I walked down the aisle, and at the end, instead of Michael, was this chick.

She was pretty, I guess; the wedding veil didn’t really let me see her face. She wore the same kind of dress I wore, only quite a few sizes larger. I had no idea who she was.

We said our vows, and then everyone came to congratulate us. “Thank you,” I said. “I’m so happy. But I wish I’d married Michael.” Then people started getting ready for the honeymoon and saying that we should get ready. All I could think of was, I have to have sex with her? I don’t know her!

Just as I started to panic over that, the dream changed and I was in a kitchen with Sandy. We had to go to the hospital to go visit someone, so she and I left and started walking all over downtown. Except downtown was different, and we got lost. And chased by boys on bicycles. Who weren’t actually chasing us, you see. We ended up in an alley with these new, still drying concrete steps a few feet above our heads. Sandy jumped up to get to them, and since I’m a scaredy cat and don’t like to climb, I just stared anxiously up at her.

“Come on,” she said, and disappeared. I had no idea where she went. I grabbed a chunk of the wet concrete and the pieces of her journal from high school that she’d found, and went back to the house.

Her kids and a bunch of other kids were there, waiting for me, so I started rounding them up and brought them to a part of the house where they could play. There was this really small baby who could walk and talk, and then Sandy magically showed up.

“I went to the hospital,” she said when I asked her where she had gone.

Then suddenly I was standing outside of the house I’d gotten married in, wearing a normal dress and standing next to Mike, who wore a tuxedo.

“Your limo’s here,” someone said. “Enjoy your honeymoon!”

We got into the limo and rode off to our honeymoon, whatever that was.

And then I woke up* because I really had to pee.

I don’t know what happened to my new wife. I’m kind of worried that she might come after me for the whole $10 I’ve got to myself.

*Cliche, because I save all of the not cliche for THE NOVEL.

Why birds shouldn't work in customer service

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Mr. Bluetooth stopped working. Suddenly. And forced me to actually use my hands to talk on the phone. Motherfucker.

After going without it for a week, I finally got sick of holding the phone and not being able to type at the same time as “listening” to Mike drone on about Ghostbusters, so I forcedinvited my mom and sister to take a trip to Best Buy with me. Our friendly, local Best Buy is about twenty minutes away — right inside of the much better and shopper-friendly Meriden mall. (The Waterbury mall? Sucks. It’s filled with nothing but GIT clothing, which is fine — if you’re into dressing like a GIT.) So we drove up to the wonderful land of Meriden to return my Bluetooth.

The Geek Squad, as always, was great. They all stared at my boobs (hooray for a self-esteem lift!) and gave memy boobs prompt and friendly service. (I don’t think any of them actually looked at my face, ha ha ha!) I walked out of there with a shiny new Plantronics bluetooth, a 500GB Passport, and a case for my Passport. (I won’t be dropping this one — promise!)

Next we decided to go to Borders, which is right across the way. Now, I’m not a Borders fan. I much prefer Barnes and Noble, for reasons I really couldn’t describe — until now.

I had seen, in a recent issue of BusinessWeek (yes, I get BusinessWeek), a book about marketing and PR on the web, The New Rules of Marketing and PR by David Meerman Scott. I’d been drooling after this book for weeks, and since I had a little extra cash in my business checking account I decided to pick it up. Since the nearest BN is in Waterbury, I decided to check and see if Borders had it.

First, I browsed the Computers & Technology section, because I’m a nerd. Won’t deny it. I wasn’t too excited about their section, and I wasn’t too thrilled with the way Borders pretended to have everything organized, but didn’t really care. I was in a bookstore, which is like heaven to me. Usually.

A little disappointed, I left that section and looked up the book I wanted on the computer kiosk to make sure it was in stock and to find out where it was. The computer said it was in stock and in the Business section, so I started to look for that section. Every other section had huge signs, but the Business section was completely hidden. I ended up standing in the middle of the store feeling a little like the new and very small kid on a football team of very beefy jocks.

Luckily, someone came running over to help me!

“Can I help you with something?”

“Um, well, I’m just looking for the Business section–”

“Anything in particular?”

“Just the new book by David Meerman–”

“Well, I have to help someone else, but I can be right over, or I can send someone over!”

I started to say that I didn’t need help, but couldn’t get a word in while she was talking. “Okay, well, if you could just point me in the general direction–”

“Oh, we don’t point, but I can send someone over!”

I took a deep breath. “Okay, well where is the Business section?”

“It’s over there,” she said, pointing to a small and nearly invisible section. “And I’ll send someone right over!”

I felt utterly violated as I walked toward the minuscule Business “section.” What had ever happened to BROWSING? Why had this woman forced her customer service on me when all I needed was someone to show me where the damn section was? Maybe I’m just used to my BN, but they ask you if you need help and if you don’t, they leave you alone and let you continue to peacefully browse.

I took another deep breath and started looking for the author. “I’ll just find it before someone comes over and I’ll get the hell out of here,” I told myself. So I looked. And looked. And looked some more. Just as I was about to leave the store in a flurry of frustration and many descriptive curse words, someone asked if they could help me. Someone with some kind of large bird feathers sticking out of the back of her pants. Like, female peacock or turkey feathers. Like, large and dark brown, very feathery feathers. Like, I seriously wish I had a picture for you (but my sister insisted that it would be mean, so blame her). They were even all fanned out. Some peacocks would be jealous.

My jaw started to drop, and then I recovered. “Uh, yeah. I’m looking for David Meerman Scott’s new book, ‘The New Rules of Marketing and PR.’” I didn’t even try to tell her that I didn’t need help. I considered running out of the store, cackling like a madwoman, but I sort of still had the hope that she might be able to find it. After all, I — a lowly non-Borders employee — would never be able to figure out the mess that was their method of organization.

“Hmn, Scott, Scott…” She said, briefly scanning the shelves and faking a Scottish — maybe British — accent. I wanted to die. Or run out of there like a madwoman.

She walked away. “Mmn, nope, we don’t have it,” she said from somewhere. Possibly the 5th dimension. “You’d have to order it online.”

“Uh. Okay? Thanks?” I stood there, half bent over staring at the other Business books.

Nothing. Not even crickets from her end. Not even an invitation to order it through them.

I stomped away from the section, determined to stop my sister and mom from buying something, but it was too late; Mom had already bought the new Dean Koontz Frankenstein book. I also tried to take a picture of her on the way out of the mall, but Lauren played Jiminy Cricket and sarcasmblocked me. Sigh.

The moral of this story? Stick with BN. You’ll have a lot less headaches, and plus they have good coffee.

What’s your strangest shopping story? Share it in the comments below!