Tag Archives: whining

Fall is In the Air, and It’s Not What I Thought It’d Be

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My daily uniform

My daily uniform

While scrolling through my Facebook homepage, the title “Fancy Sweats” caught my eye. I clicked on the photo and sighed. The outfit worn by the model would be pretty much exactly what I would be wearing to class right now, minus the ugly Seventies print. Switch out the heeled booties for a pair of flat ones, though, and you’d have my daily college uniform. Right now, I’d be strolling across campus, books and coffee in hand, on my way to class. I’d be breathing in the scent of the weather changing while listening to a lecture about writing. And okay, even though I accept that the timing wouldn’t have been that great anyway, I still don’t like it.

Nothing is how I thought it’d be right now, and that bugs the shit out of me. Dammit, why can’t things go my way?! I hate to whine and throw a mini-tantrum, but here we are. Dammit, dammit, dammit!

I know things can’t always go my way. I’d like to think that I’m pretty flexible, but I also really just want to get my shit together. I’m twenty-three. I’ve really been trying here. Can I just have a break, please?!

The paradox is, I wouldn’t change the way things are now; I’m happily, happily, happily engaged — squee! — to the man I love, one of my best friends, and my partner in crime. That makes me pretty happy, to know that even though we’d talked about it a million times, he wanted to make it official, and now it’s actually going to happen.

But dammit I wish I were in school right now, working on the career that I now know I want. Why is it that when I finally figure out what I want, I have to wait?! (And yes, the “voice” in my head that is dictating this as I type it is totally whining like a teenager.) Grr! I could be having lunch with my sister right now, dammit, talking about stupid homework assignments that we have to do and the hot boys in her classes, and the ones in my classes that I can look at but can’t touch. ;)

Sigh.

Thanks for listening. It just hit me really hard when I saw that picture, you know? I’ll still be rocking my fall fashion — and speaking of, I have to laugh that my lazy style is now H&M’s push for the fall season — and I’ll still be walking around with a coffee in my hand, but there won’t be any textbooks. At least, not yet.

January really can’t come any faster.

♦

This is eerily fitting.

This is eerily fitting.

Updated 12:28pm: After publishing this post, I scrolled down my Facebook homepage a little further and found the above quote that Let’s Drop a Love Bomb posted. How’s that for fitting?!

Do I have to be bleeding to death to get morphine, or will they just give it to me if I cry hard enough?

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Remember how I said Tylenol was my new best friend?

HA.

I have been in pain all day, from the joints in my hands to my lower back to my knees to my shoulder… And if Tylenol worked at all, it was only for a couple of hours. Maybe I need to just swallow the whole bottle. I mean, I don’t need a liver, right? Right?

Okay, bad joke. I’m just tired and cranky and overworked and I don’t have any Tramadol. This is going to be one brutal night. I hope it’s not still rainy, chilly, and muggy all at once again tomorrow. This weather is torture, for serious.

How are you?

PS: This post has the longest permalink of all of my posts, because I was too lazy to shorten it.

PSS (which looks like PISS): I wonder if there’s a limit on how long WordPress permalinks can be? I should test that someday.

That health care change, Obama? We need it, like yesterday.

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In case you needed to know, I feel like a zombie that got ran over by a school bus about ninety times. I’ve got some kind of bug — or a really, really brutal sinus infection — and missed work and class today because I feel like crap.

To top it off, when I called my regular doctor (my primary care doctor, NOT the office where I see Pam the PA), they didn’t even seem to care. The receptionist just brushed me off and told me she’d have the doctor call in a prescription. Um, hello? You can’t just call in a prescription without seeing me! I could have swine flu or something, for all you know!! (Not that I have swine flu. I’m just sayin’.)

This was at 9:30 this morning. Two episodes of Dollhouse later, I still hadn’t heard back from them. So I called again, she brushed me off again, and told me the doctor just got in — apparently doctors don’t have to come in to the office until 11 am now — and that they would call me once he’d called in the prescription. I felt too shitty and dumbfounded to argue.

“Okay…” I said before she hung up. Hooray for health care.

Then I decided to call Pam the PA’s office. They can’t fit me in until tomorrow morning, so it looks like I’m going to miss another day of work (missed Monday because of the holiday), which means I’m going to have to use my vacation time (since I don’t get sick time). Either that or be broke, which I already am. (I’m a web designer and I’m broke. I still can’t figure that out.)

My primary care doctor’s office finally called me around 2 this afternoon. She said the doctor called in a prescription for an antibiotic and a cough medicine.

“Cough medicine?” I asked.

“You said you had a cough.”

“Yeah, from my allergies!” I then explained my symptoms again: low fever, sinus pressure, very sore throat, fatigue.

“Well, we don’t have to call in the cough medicine. We can just call in the antibiotic.”

I sighed. “Fine.”

I have yet to go pick up my prescription. I don’t have the energy, and how do I even know that I need an antibiotic? There are a lot of bugs going around right now, so I don’t want to just take some medicine if I don’t need it. Maybe I need a specific antibiotic. Of course, they wouldn’t know, because they couldn’t be bothered to see me.

Argh, health care.

Did I mention that my good friend, Chronic Pain, is here to visit today too? So on top of a sinus headache and a sore throat, I’ve also got achy legs.

At least I get to watch Dollhouse.

Purging my cache

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At work, we use a content management system (CMS) called Town News. We have to purge the cache all the time because the CMS updates our website about as fast as those turtles on that high-speed internet commercial.

Sometimes I need to purge my cache, too. Here are some things that are really bothering me right now:

  • 50mg of Tramadol isn’t cutting it anymore. I guess I’ve built up a tolerance to it, even though I don’t take it that often. I had to take 100mg last night to cut my pain down to a dull roar, but this morning I’m still kinda feeling the medicine. Hopefully it wears off by the time I leave for work. I can’t afford to miss a day.
  • Someone very important to me is currently not talking to me. There was an argument and I was a little harsh, but I thought we’d talk it out the next day. Instead, this person has been ignoring me for the last two days, and I’m not sure how much longer it’s going to last.
  • I had a panic attack for the first time on Saturday. That same night I had a couple of breakdowns, and I had a couple other breakdowns yesterday and last night. My anxiety level is ridiculously high. It bothers me that I can’t handle much of anything anymore. I think most of it is because of all of this chronic pain drama. I can’t even handle a doctor’s appointment or getting off the wrong highway exit anymore.
  • I feel like a failure, quite often lately. I can’t seem to convince myself that I don’t suck. Every time I butt heads with someone, can’t get something to work, am in pain, or just feel down in general, I take it out mentally on myself. I guess it’s better than physically, but then again that’s coming next. That’s just the way it goes.
  • I think I need some me time, but I’m pretty sure I need to let work know two weeks ahead when I want to take my vacation. School starts in two weeks, so there’s really no point in a vacation if I also have to go to class. So much for taking a trip this summer.
  • And speaking of “in two weeks,” my 21st birthday is coming up (it’s the 28th, so yay for being able to go out and party on a Friday night)! I’m not very excited, though. Not with things the way they are right now. I could care less.

And there’s your bright and sunny morning blog post, brought to you by the always happy Elizabeth! Now enjoy this brief message from our sponsors, and I’ll be back with something less angsty — eventually.

All the things you didn't want to hear

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At the risk of grossing someone out, I’ve compiled a list of all of my symptoms. This is more for my reference than anything else, so that if I’m out and forget my yellow notebook I can just go to this page with my BlackBerry. I guess I’m also kind of hoping that someone will see this and go, “I know what’s wrong with you!” Sad, but true.

If you’re interested, I’ve documented everything from the beginning to now over at Scars Can Speak:

  1. Kill the Pain
  2. Kill the Pain: Doctor Soup
  3. Kill the Pain: More Doctor Soup
  4. Kill the Pain: Full Circle
  5. Kill the Pain: Suicide Watch

Arms, Hands, and Fingers

  • Dull and achy to sharp pain in arms, hands, and fingers
  • Jello, rubbery feeling in arms — It’s as if I’ve just spent the last hour working out or something
  • Weakness in arms and hands — I sometimes have difficulty opening bottles, jars, etc.
  • Numbness — This whole mess started when my left arm went numb from the elbow down
  • Swelling — My left hand will occasionally swell at the base of my thumb and the side opposite to my thumb. My thumb is always sore and stiff when this happens.
  • Itchy, sometimes painful, clear bumps — These appear on my palms and on my fingers. They usually take care of themselves after a few days, but they’re a real pain in the ass. They appear on my right hand more often than the left and they’re nearly as hard as a callous.

Legs, Feet, and Toes

  • Dull and achy to sharp pain in legs, feet, and toes — Occurs more often in my feet and toes, but occasionally occurs on the inside of my thighs.
  • Achy joint pain in my knees and hip — Occurs mostly on the right side

Other

  • Recurring styes — Usually multiple at any given time, in both eyes. I’ve never had this problem until a few months ago. Lately I can’t seem to get rid of them. Note: I rarely wear makeup.
  • Hemorrhoids and constipation — Again, something recent that I’ve never had a problem with. This scares me more than anything else; the fact that something that doesn’t normally bleed is indeed bleeding scares the fucking hell out of me
  • UTI-like symptoms — Every time I get a urinalysis for this, it comes back fine. And yet, every so often, I won’t be able to pee. I’ll pee a little and then feel like I have to pee again several minutes later. And the pain, when this happens? Unimaginable. There have been times where I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital.
  • Eczema — This started a few years ago. I get little patches of very dry, bumpy, almost scaly skin that don’t go away no matter how much lotion I use. Then, all on their own, they disappear. I don’t know if this is related or not, but hey.

My aunt says that all of these symptoms are because my body is eating itself, that they are signs of an autoimmune disease. She has Crohn’s Disease and rheumatoid arthritis. I’m not sure if I’ve been tested for Crohn’s, but I have been for rheumatoid arthritis several times and it’s always negative. Autoimmune diseases do run in my family, though, so it’s definitely a possibility.

There is probably more that I am not thinking of right now, but this is the gist of it. I don’t mean to gross anyone out. Believe me, I used to never like discussing my bowels with other people. But at this point? I’m all out of ideas. I’ll take any suggestions I can get.

Besides, you can’t tell me that you didn’t want to know all of these icky things! You know you did! :D