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Off My Mind: Christmas, Careful Economics, and Crashing Appointments

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I haven’t been able to do much writing lately, and I think it’s because my mind is clogged with so much other crap, I can’t get into writing mode. I’ve tried making a To Do list of all of the writing things, but that just bogs me down more. Clearly I need to get some things off my mind.

My day job is starting to get kind of intense. I worked five days in a row, and two of those days were like being in the Twilight Zone. My normally nice coworkers kept snapping at me and giving me snarky answers to questions. I think it’s the holidays — Black Friday is around the corner and we have no idea what the sales are or what the associate schedule is going to be — but still. I’m relieved that I have today and tomorrow off.

I still really like my job, though. I never thought I’d actually like working in retail, but I don’t mind working there at all.

I’m probably going to be working a second job during the Christmas season. I may or may not be completely out of my mind. Only time will tell. My old boss from my very first job asked me if I would come back during the holidays. I’m broke, so I’ll pretty much do anything — “anything” including working at the mall during December. I am fully prepared to be a babbling heap by the New Year.

Thinking about Christmas shopping kind of makes me want to throw up. I wrote a whole article about budgeting for the holidays — it’s coming, get ready! — and while I’m actively doing all of the steps I’ve outlined in said article, I’m still nervous. Clearly I am a trustworthy source.

In all seriousness, I’ve given myself a budget of $25 per person, and I hate it. I want to give everyone on my list the world, but I can’t even afford everyone on my list. It comes down to this: I have twelve people I’d like to shop for, but can only afford eight of them. How do you choose?!

I tried to get Mike to agree to not get each other gifts, but he said he’s getting me something anyway… which, in all honesty, just makes me feel like I have to get him something. I know he just means that he’s excited — he loves Christmas shopping — but he just doesn’t realize how stressed I am about the whole thing.

I know it shouldn’t matter, because either way, I’m going to spend the holidays with the people I love, and that’s very precious to me. I wish Christmas was more like Thanksgiving (which is next week, and my belly is very, very excited); there’s no pressure to get things for people. You just have to bring yourself (and some food). Eating is very zen like that.

Of course, thinking about Christmas shopping just reminds me that I’m very broke. How I can justify buying things for people when my car is currently unable to go on the highway is beyond me. I should be putting that money toward the car, and car insurance, and my student loan repayment. I wish I could figure out some other sort of gifts so that I could put the majority of the money I’m saving for Christmas toward the car instead. But thinking about that might just collapse my already fragile nerves.

I am, however, saving for a few things. My savings account is currently the home of Operation Apartment. I am saving at least $10 a week, which is nothing at the time, but it adds up. Or at least, it does as long as I don’t touch it.

I’m also saving for a new computer. Specifically, a Mac. More specifically, a 15-inch MacBook Pro. Of course, I so don’t have $1,799 (or $2,199). I’ve calculated that, if I save $30 a week and save all of my pennies (quite literally), I can afford one in about a year. I’ve been drooling over the idea of getting a Mac for quite some time. I’m admittedly kind of attached to the PC I have because I’m sentimentally weird like that, but it’s way out of date — I can’t even play The Sims 3 on it, and that’s a fucking crime — and acts like a geriatric brontosaurus. I refused to even start looking at computers until this one actually needed to be replaced, though; I’m just not the kind of girl that needs the latest and greatest. My basic needs in a computer are: internet, word processor, and Sims (and pretty much in that order). I’m not a tech junkie or WoW gamer (Sims are way cooler than WoW, anyway). Quite frankly, I’m sick of Microsoft and Windows. I want to get as far away from anything Microsoft as soon as I can. I have very limited experience with a Mac, but if getting away from Microsoft means shelling out about $2,000 and learning a whole new computer interface, then so be it. (Besides, it’s really not that different. I worked at a web design shop a few years ago that used nothing but Macs, so I spent my days bouncing back and forth between a PC and Mac. If I hadn’t started my day on a PC at Job 1, switched to a Mac at Job 2, then went back to a PC for Job 3, I would have gotten the hang of it much faster.)

While my laptop is pretty outdated, though, I don’t really need a new one… yet. (But not being able to play TS3 or The Sims Medieval is kind of making me want to cry.) I do, however, need a new phone. My BlackBerry, bless its little chip, is pretty wonky, and even more outdated than my laptop at this point, even though the laptop is physically older. How’s that for the technology we have these days?! I abhor the BlackBerry’s track ball. My biggest gripe about this phone from day one is the track ball constantly getting stuck, or the screen moving up instead of down even though I am scrolling down, dammit. A little less than a year ago, I updated my BB’s OS so that I could have the new Twitter app at the time, but now the damn thing’s OS is out of date again. It’s a pain in the ass to do, though, and I’d rather not tempt fate (I was a little nervous about accidentally destroying my phone the first time around). Contrary to popular belief, I am not an IT. (Web designer =/= IT. I cannot stress this to my family enough. Sigh.)

Even worse, though, the thing keeps freezing all the time. I’m waiting for the day it just stops working completely. Realistically, it still makes phone calls, so it’s still serving its purpose — like I said, I’m more practical than techie, even though I really like shiny things — but I’d really like to come a little bit out of the dark ages and get a touch screen. My grandmother — Noni — has a touch screen, and I don’t. (She rocks at it, too.) The question is, though, which one? My mom told me she’d get me a new phone for Christmas. When my sister and dad got the HTC Evo several months ago, I started drooling over it. I figured I’d just get that. But now Sprint has the iPhone, and the iPhone 4 — not 4S, mind you; I don’t need my phone talking to me, thank you very much — is actually the same price as the Evo. How do you choose?!

I have a friend who has had and loved both, and even she doesn’t always give me the same answer. The iPhone’s battery lasts longer, she says, but the HTC survives more drops (unless you get the expensive plexiglass hard case for the iPhone). She also told me the HTC’s apps are cheaper (as in, usually free), but after some research I discovered the iPhone can be synced to your Mac, so all pictures you take or changes to documents you make on your iPhone instantly go to your Mac via iCloud. Since I know I’m getting a Mac at some point, this is a huge thing; I could put Pages (word processor) on my iPhone and Mac, and write away from my computer if I need to… and it would be on my computer instantly. Right now, if I’m away from my computer and get an idea for a story or book I’m writing, I pull out my BlackBerry, open up WordPress, and start writing. Then I send it as a draft and it goes to my WP site, and then I log in to my website, open up the draft, and copy and paste it into a Word document. If I take a picture on my BB, I have to connect it to my PC via USB, upload the photos to my computer, and then upload them to my website or whatever. iCloud cuts out those middle steps, and like I said, it’s a huge deal to me.

So I guess I’m leaning toward an iPhone. My mom told me to let her know whenever I decide. Hahaha, I guess there is a techie in me.

I should be coming into some extra money soon, so fortunately we may be getting our apartment and I may be getting my Mac even sooner. I don’t know if I wrote about my 401(k) woes here — and if I did, I can’t find the post — but I finally got it all straightened out. To make a long story short, the third party company that managed the retirement plans at the newspaper I worked at a couple of years ago took it upon themselves to move my 401(k) into one of their IRA accounts, instead of into an IRA account at my bank like I requested. I still don’t know entirely how it happened, but when they moved it into their IRA, they never sent me any access information, so I got locked out of it somehow. I couldn’t contact them, either, for similar reasons — you have to have a PIN to even get through their 800 number to talk to someone — so I ended up going through my bank yet again, the retirement plan company sent me some paperwork in the mail and I filled it out and faxed it, and I should be getting a check from them soon. That check is going toward the Operation Apartment fund.

Come January, I should be coming into more money, because I put a lot of extra money into taxes withheld while I worked at my full-time job as a Tee Shirt Terrorist. At the time, I made enough money to do so without even missing it, and figured it would be like a savings account I’d get to use on whatever I wanted down the road. Well, “down the road” is here, and I’m putting that money toward my Mac.

I’m writing a graphic novel with Mike, Robbie, and Sean. This isn’t actually stressful, but it is on my mind (I’m super excited about it). A couple weeks ago, Mike and I were sitting around the house talking about how talented of artists Robbie and Sean are, and I said, “You’re getting really good, too, though.” He kind of just shrugged that off, and somehow the conversation led to me announcing that the four of us should make a graphic novel and get it published. “I mean, the three of you all draw, and I write, and it just seems like a crime to not take advantage of that and at least try to get something out there.” The original idea was for me to write, Mike to do the cover, and Robbie and Sean to do the inside art, but since then, Mike has been talking about cowriting it. I came up with some characters and then the story today, and am writing a short story that Mike and I will convert into a script later.

I need to set up some appointments with a few doctors. I missed my Mirena followup again when the power was out; the office didn’t have power on the date of the appointment, and it never got rescheduled. I also never followed up with my PA-C after seeing my rheumatologist a few months ago. (Oops.) I guess I’m just sick of the whole doctor thing. I have an appointment with my rheumatologist next week, I think, but I’m not sure if it’ll work out because the schedule for next week at work isn’t up yet for some reason, and they’ve also put up a notice saying that no one can request any time off until after the holidays. (This is normal, though, from what I remember from my previous retail days.) I may have to reschedule it for January or later; I kind of want to schedule an appointment at Yale first. I also need to see a different gastroenterologist. My GI issues are not improving, and I don’t feel that my current gastroenterologist is attentive enough.

I’m really sick of playing the doctor game. I don’t want to go all the way to New Haven every time I need to see a rheumatologist, but Yale is world renowned for its medical practitioners. They have an entire rheumatology building there. If they can’t figure out what’s wrong with me, I don’t know who can.

We are moving our things out of storage during the last weekend of this month. Our dressers are definitely coming up here, and most of the stuff is going into the cellar so that we can go through it little by little. I have to move the dining room around so that I can fit the dressers in here, but I’m not sure exactly how I’m going to do it. The roof/ceiling hasn’t leaked since that rain storm before Irene, but I don’t want to put anything important under that general area because it would kind of be like asking for the roof to collapse. Still, the only way I can think of to make that room work involves putting my bed right under where the leak is. I really want to move that room around, though, because Noni said I can use her desk that’s in there as a work station. I am seriously sick of working from the couch, even though it’s kind of comfy.

Still, I’m really excited about getting my dresser back.

I did something I thought I could never do this past Saturday. I really want to write about it, but it’s hard. I tried writing a poem about it, but so far all I have is a bunch of fragments that could be a poem. Still, I’m really proud of myself. I feel a lot better, and I’m not regretting my decision… which was one of my fears.

I need to create a writing schedule, but the thought of doing it kind of overwhelms me. I’ve even created half-assed schedules, and those overwhelmed me enough. It boils down to being afraid of actually doing it — “it” meaning making a living off of writing — or failing; whether I become successful or fail, I’ll still no longer have the goal of becoming a professional writer. It’s been my goal for so long that I am not sure how to be apart from it now that I’m actively pursuing it.

♦

I really do feel a lot better now that this is all off my mind. I even have a mini To Do list now:

  • write short story for graphic novel (goal: 5,000 words)
  • create article schedule
  • submit “Outlaw Love Story”

What do you wish you could get off your mind?

Why I’m Postponing Going Back to School (For Now)

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Have you ever been so unable to make a decision, you feel like you may have to beat yourself up?

I already know what my decision is. It’s simple: I want to write. Somehow I got it stuck in my head that I also needed to go back to school, and that I needed to go back to school immediately. There has to be a reason why I keep seesawing between ECE and English. The truth is, as much as I like kids, I don’t really want to teach them badly enough to go to school for another two years. I’d rather be writing. But it would be safer for me to have some kind of stable career while I build my writing career, so I keep pushing myself to do the ECE, which is only an A.S. Then I get caught up in how much I’d love taking literature and writing classes, and how it would help me improve my writing anyway, so I start leaning toward going for my B.A. instead, stable career be damned. Not long after that, I remember that I have no money, and to get my B.A. would mean several more giant student loans to pay off*. I remind myself that ECE is only a two-year degree, so I would be able to go with little or no out of pocket expenses.

And so it goes.

I think going back to school is just not the answer right now. I need to stop listening to the voices — whether my own or otherwise — urging me to go. I need to be honest with myself.

I want to write. So I’m just going to write. I don’t need to go to school to write.

I’m going to keep writing, and I’m going to find another part-time job, and then I’m going to write my ass off until I can call it a job, and then I’m going to keep writing my ass off until I can call it my full-time job.

At the end of the day, the person who has to be happy is me.

I still want to get my B.A. in English. Eventually. It’s just not financially possible right now. I’m lucky if I make $100 a week from my part-time job, and I haven’t made the slightest dent in repaying my student loan throughout the last year… even though I’ve never missed a payment. The interest is killing me, and the thought of piling more debt on top of that just makes me want to throw up. I know it’s “good” debt, but how can anything that stresses you out be good?!

So, I’m going to wait.

And, in the meantime, I’m going to write my ass off.

♦

*If I went to community college for ECE, chances are the Pell Grant would cover most of the expenses and I wouldn’t have to pay anything out of pocket, ever.

How Returning to Retail Changed My Life

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Sometimes, I really believe that things happen for a reason. In the summer of 2010, I quit my part-time job as a web designer for a newspaper, and began working full-time on my and a partner’s digital marketing business. That didn’t work out, for many reasons, and I found myself jobless in early 2011. It took me almost a month to find a new job as the marketing specialist at a tee shirt design company. Suddenly, I no longer had to worry about money, because I was making a salary of $30,000 a year — or $800 every two weeks — after Uncle Sam intervened. I worked eight-hour days and saved most of my paychecks. The job had its problems, but the paycheck was well worth the stress. Or so I thought until I got sick again.

When you have a chronic illness, you never know when another flareup is going to occur, or how long it will last. It’s even worse if you’re undiagnosed and don’t have any sort of treatment plan other than symptomatic relief. In less than a month, I became completely worn down. I could barely get out of bed, and limped from my bed to the bathroom every morning. I was twenty-two years old, but my body felt like I was eighty-two. My skin broke out in weird rashes and my ankles swelled up so much, I couldn’t wear anything other than flip flops. I had to leave early frequently for doctors’ appointments, and called out three times in three months on mornings when I really just couldn’t push myself. Throughout all of this, I talked to my supervisor, who pretended to be understanding but threw me under the bus later; after three months of working there, I found myself unemployed and still in pain.

It almost destroyed me. The side of the couch I sat on every day will forever be softer than the other side from the days I spent filling out job applications online and doing a lot of staring at my laptop screen. I decided to return to retail because of the flexible scheduling; I could still make doctors’ appointments, and could go back to school. Retail jobs are usually everywhere because people shop as often as cats bathe, but it took me almost four months to find one.

Even though I knew the scheduling would benefit me, I worried constantly about being on my feet all day. Previously, I’d only had desk jobs, which made it a little easier to crawl into work on those days when I could barely get out of bed. Still, I was beyond broke; the huge chunk of change I’d saved during those three months was gone after three and a half months of unemployment, and a stack of bills sat on my desk.

For the first few weeks, I came home aching every day. Even wearing sneakers instead of flats didn’t help the problem very much. I powered through, though, and after about a month, paid off all my bills. At the end of every week, though, I was broke again. As a cashier, I was only getting about fifteen hours a week, so I asked my supervisor if I could cross-train in another department, in the hopes that I could become a sort of Jack of all trades and get more hours because of my experience in multiple departments. Since talking to my supervisor, I’ve cross-trained on the floor in the clothing departments (folding clothes and assisting customers), in merchandising (putting away new clothes and organizing them according to the book), and in freight (putting away the merchandise that comes off the truck). I willingly volunteered for all of this, and yet in the back of my mind was terrified that I couldn’t do it… but I did do it.

It’s not easy. There are days when I limp through my shift. Sometimes my wrists give up on life. I most definitely cannot carry more than a few pairs of jeans at a time. (Who knew denim could be so heavy?) I usually come home with my back screaming, or at least with very achy, swollen feet. Sometimes while I’m working, I think, I can’t, but then I somehow find a way to power through. Slowly, the word “can’t” is disappearing from my vocabulary. Slowly, I am learning to work through my pain — literally.

There was a time when I would literally lay down and stop fighting when it hurt so much I wanted to cry and when I got hit with that fatigue that permeates my bones, but I’m learning to keep on swimming, and it has changed my life immensely. It’s changed my outlook, which has enabled me to do what I’ve always wanted to do, but never thought I could: write for a living.

I’m living my dream life, because I can.

I Did It, and Other Things

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I did it. I registered for ECE at the community college. I’m not matriculated just yet (because I’m a readmit and apparently there’s a specific period when they rematriculate readmitting students), but I submitted my readmission application, got my letter from the college saying they’ve received my FAFSA, and did all of this without having an anxiety attack of, “I CAN’T DECIDE, I CAN’T COMMIT.”

I did it.

And, I’m excited about it.

I’ll be able to register for my classes soon and then buy my books, and then I’ll officially be an ECE student. Last night as I was falling asleep, I thought, I’m going to get to teach kids how to talk! and that was the most exciting thing. The only thing that sucks is, I have to wait until January to start. It’s going to be 2012 before I’m officially in school again. That’s kind of a weird thought, even though it’s not actually so far away.

It’s probably a good thing, though, because I have plenty of time to get everything else in order. I’m looking for a second job, at least for during the holiday season. The one I have is only giving me an average of fifteen hours a week, which is nothing; every Friday, I pay a couple bills, and then I’m broke again. I have no extra money for gas or doctors’ copays, or vitamins, or anything. I keep asking for more hours, and they say more are coming or that they’re going to cross-train me in another department so I’ll have more hours that way, but so far, nothing. I’m only making $100-135 a week. If I were still a teenager, that’d be cool, but not so much now. I work my ass off at my job, and my manager — who is also human resources — is always commenting on how hard I work and how well kept the registers always are when I’m working, so you’d think I’d have cross-trained already or they’d at least through me another five hours a week, but no.

I’m not going to talk about that anymore, though, because it just frustrates me.

I’m still trying to come up with an idea for NaNoWriMo. Nothing appeals to me. At this rate, I might just use the time to finish Secondhand Mom instead of starting anything new. I don’t know, though; I hate the idea of not doing NaNoWriMo this year. I also hate that I keep talking and thinking about finishing Secondhand Mom, when all I have to do is just do it.

I bought a four-pack of Play Doh, because who said you have to be a kid to have fun? I haven’t opened it yet, though.

Speaking of fun, I discovered that my laptop has Windows Movie Maker on it, so I’m trying to come up with an idea for a video. I’m so glad I didn’t buy any video editing software. Someone told me I should have Windows Movie Maker but I couldn’t find it, so I’ve had my eye on some Sony video editing software for a while. I stumbled upon WMM the other day while digging through the Accessories section looking for I don’t even know what. Thanks for hiding that, Microsoft.

Maybe I’ll make a stop motion movie using my Play Doh.

Stop Thinking, Just Jump

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I don’t know why I keep going back and forth between new career ventures. Every time I start the process for one, I hesitate, have a mini freakout, go into an unmotivated, want-to-fly-out-of-my-skin frenzy, and then the next morning I wake up and wonder if I’m completely crazy.

Hi, I’m twenty-three and I’m having some kind of not-quite-quarter-life* crisis.

This has been happening to me regularly for the past year, maybe a little longer. The thing is, the longer I sit still and can’t decide, the more anxious I become about it.

I need to decide, for my own sanity but also because I really need to change the direction my life is heading in right now. I keep telling myself that this isn’t forever, it’s just for now, but I’ve finally realized that telling myself that isn’t helping. (Of course, thinking in terms of forever doesn’t help, either, so…)

When it comes down to it, I don’t even know why this is so hard. I can go to school relatively easily. I have oodles of financial aid at my fingertips. I might have to pay back student loans after, but that’s after.

Maybe this is just one of those hurdles I have to get over, and once I do, life will start falling into place. Maybe I need to just stop thinking and jump.

Have you ever been in this position? What did you do?

*Of course, it might actually be a quarter-life crisis if I don’t live to be one-hundred.